Tuesday's with Harriet Miers

“Harriet Miers chose Coke over Pepsi (and marijuana when she partied late into the night with George W.) when she took the Pepsi Challenge in 1978!”

More shocking revelations have come from the Senate floor where Harriet Miers has been making her rounds and getting down to win votes!
Looking quite hung over, Ms. Miers met the press this morning, discreetly trying to hide BC Powder and Gatorade, two staples from the Dean Martin Emergency Survival Kit!, in her oversized Cheryl Ladd designed purse. “I don’t know how the hell Ruth or Sandra did this”, she was quoted as saying between dry heaves. “I grew up partying with W. and thought this would be easy; no one said anything about having to do shots with Edward Kennedy!” she bemoaned.

Ms. Miers, seen wearing a “jail Delay” t-shirt bought online at moveon.org, has been repeatedly grilled by the Senators about her stance on key court issues, and, having not sufficiently answered their questions, has brought increased scrutiny onto her past. Other tidbits that have been uncovered: she believed in the tooth fairy until seven, was twice sent to the principles office for daydreaming during home ec. classes, never really got the hang of latch-hook rugs, and she was turned away from the debutante society because she dressed too much like June Cleaver when Jackie O was all the rage. What still remains a mystery is her position on many controversial issues such as: boxers or briefs at sleep-overs, did Clinton inhale, what the REAL meaning of Christmas is, and where exactly in the world is Waldo? Senator Orrin Hatch said that, “until she is more forthright in her answers about theses and other critical questions, we will only approve of her for an ambassadorship position in Sudan or the UN”.

Tuesday's Intelligent Design Trial

Once again the debate rages…
From the dirty South to the dust bowls of Oklahoma to the ash covered islands in the Pacific.
The question that just won’t die! Not even Jesus was resurrected this many times!
The fiery feud that has torn house holds apart (the REAL reason Jennifer and Brad split!!!) and has put high school history text book editors on edge…
The war that continues to divide a nation now FINALLY seems ready to be heard by the Supreme Court (of Merry Maids)…


Which vacuum works better: Bissell or Dyson? One is designed with your needs in mind, while the other one, heavily marketed by a very pompous man (James Dyson), claims you need to know 4 things before you can even buy a vacuum cleaner. Which would you buy? You already know you have a nasty house to clean, so are you going to get the one that knows you have a house full of dirt, dust, and sordid secrets (those carpet stains don’t come up so easily), or the one which took 12 years to design and now says “YOU”, the consumer, need to have more knowledge before you can by a vacuum? Go with the Bissell! Mr. Dyson ought to be selling cars or high-end jewelry! At least with a Bissell you can get the job done; Dyson’s commercials will put you to sleep prior to completing your chores!

I say back the Bissell! And then pass your dutchie on the left hand side…

Tuesday's Virus Alert

The often unexplainable and usually erratic antics of Charlie Sheen have finally been diagnosed. The CDC confirmed today that Charlie Sheen has indeed contracted a computer-virus. The research, lead by Doctors Norton and MacAfee, came back conclusively after Mr. Sheen continuously failed to respond to commands and was finally unlocked when “CTL + ALT +DEL” was typed into his DNA. Doctors have been worrying for quite sometime about the communicability of these highly destructive keyboard transferable diseases. Regarding Mr. Sheen, medics paint a worst-case scenario with Mr. Sheen actually surviving this virus and going on to produce several more seasons of “Two and a Half Men” and 2 more children (not from Denise Richards). Now the medical world is trying to learn just when and where Mr. Sheen first contracted the virus. Early investigations have focused on late night visits to on-line porn sites and Heidi Fleiss. Despite her horrible acting skills and poor selection in husbands, doctors do not believe Mr. Sheen has passed the virus onto Ms. Richards. Doctors have simply diagnosed her as “a bad actress and being stupid”.

Tuesday's with William Bennett

William Bennett, riding his controversial statement around reducing crime by aborting all black babies to new popularity heights, was fed to the lions today during a civil rights rally at the New York Zoo. No one could really ascertain if any crime had been committed or if in fact it was done by anyone black. It was believed that his last words, (possibly a quote from Adolf Hitler???), were, "I don't think people have the right to be angry, if they look at the whole thing. But if they get a selective part of my comment, I can see why they would be angry. If somebody thought I was advocating that, they ought to be angry. I would be angry." Ah, it all makes sense now. If only Mr. Bennett could have made that statement with Kanye West present. Several old-school Roman’s in the crowd remarked how nice it was to get back to the good old days like when Jesus was still around”.
It was not yet clear if President Bush realized the finality of Mr. Bennett’s death, seeing how he had mentioned that Bennett might be a possible Supreme Court Judge nominee.
“Billy has done quite a job of cleaning up crime in America, much like the job Mr. Brown did for FEMA before he quit”, the President was quoted as saying at a puppy pound opening in Ohio. “I’d like to see him on the high court overturning affirmative action laws!”, George W. giggled to the group of 10 year old kids who had gathered for the pet store opening.
The president went on to say (under his breath so that Laura couldn’t hear him) that, “although Sandra Day O’Connor was a hot chick in that black robe, she didn’t seem too really like dressing up for work, I’ll bet she’ll be happier at home barefoot and in the kitchen.”