Chinese Democracy

Guns-N-Roses forces Nebraska to rewrite their safe-haven laws.

With Guns-N-Roses finally releasing their 14 years in the making "Chinese Democracy" CD/album/8track, state legislators in Nebraska moved swiftly to change a controversial safe-haven law by restricting the age under which unwanted crap in the making music teenagers could be dumped left at hospitals without parents facing prosecution.

"This is a case where moving swiftly has most-likely kept us from having to house millions of unwanted CD's", said one unnamed critic who has heard the CD and wished he hadn't. "We can't take away the harm from those exposed to this, but we can hope to stem the damage by not allowing it in the first place! And who would want to be responsible for Axl Rose anyhow?"

Another person said that the G-N-R CD should help pave the way for abortion-rights activists in the future, "As if The Spaghetti Incident wasn't bad enough, talk about something that should have been aborted a long time ago... well, this and Paula Abdul and MC Scat Kat collaborations!"

Mo' money, mo' problems

As if chronicling the "desperate for publicity housewives of Atlanta" wasn't enough to scare common-sensed people off from pursuing the "elite" lifestyle that the Atlanta women claimed to be a part of, Michael Jackson rears his ugly-head (and I say "ugly head" only in jest since his masks don't allow one to be critical of his real appearance), dogged by yet another legal issue surrounding money, to remind us just how costly fame can be.

It must be difficult to live in a world where you can't tell the difference between a business loan and a gift- to the tune of $7M! Seems to me it should be pretty "black and white".

Who lives in this kind of world? Dr. Seuss, Daddy Warbucks and Big Poppa? How can one not know the difference, a $7 million dollar difference, between a gift and a loan? That is simply mind-boggling! Was a birthday card presented and inside it said, "Sorry Michael, I couldn't think of what surgery to get you, I hope you can forgive me for just gifting you $7 million dollars. Love, the Sheikh."

Sadly, Michael claims to be too ill to travel to London for the lawsuit- it'll be interesting to see how this one plays out; I doubt a new cd will emerge from the ashes of this business venture, Mr. Sheikh. Perhaps the Jackson lad's financial troubles could become part of the bailout plan? A new way to save Motown!

But seriously, how the heck is this man solvent? I've watched the "TLC" VH-1 story on how to go broke (poor lefty eye) and cried along with Toni Braxton (unbreak her bank account) while trying to keep her Grammy awards from the IRS. And yet MJ still has some Benjamin's to roll with? Maybe he should be the one dispensing those $700 billion bucks to save the USA! Or make a charity record, "We R the Brokedown World" USA4USA! Oh wait, that's where this whole $7million dollar issue started- making records!

too much time on one's hands?

I've been slightly busy lately: shopping for Sarah Palin's concession speech outfit and all is no easy task...what, she hasn't yet quit running? Nevermind. OK, busy helping Barack Obama measure the drapes and try and get the smear stains out of the carpet- what does get them stubborn stains out? Retooling the image of Britney Spears just about wore me out; I was ready to shave my head at times! I just finally had to wash my hands of the "Publicity Desperate Houswives of Atlanta" after several of them couldn't grasp basic math and spelling; talk about trying to teach bitches a new trick! And then there's the $700 billion I have been asked to spend for America (okay, you got me, so I've only spent that infamous $150,000 so far) but not tell anyone how I am doing it- stealth shopping is hard work! Probably shouldn't spend it on a foreign car purchase huh?

So here's someone who obviously has too much time on his hands...amazing, though!

Just caught this great little invention- why didn't i think of it? And just in time for Halloween! This would have helped growing up in a large food obsessed (possessed) family!

Waldo...

Of course I am traveling the week cold and rain permeate the the city...
Might have to hold off on my Bill Ayer's seminar and ACORN rally I keep hearing about- it's like you can't answer the phone without fear of another call. Just think how big Jesus could have been if he had "robocalling!" Perhaps I'll just hunker down with Oprah or read Sarah Palin's book of the month, "Are u there god, it's me Caribou Barbie, trying to put lipstick on a shitty campaign but Colin Powell keeps smearing it off"...



...or not.

What really caused Nancy to fall...

The Real Whore-able Wives of Atlanta

"Five women doing more damage to Atlanta than Sherman did on his March to the Sea!"

Atlanta, a city developed because of the trains that went through the city, seems the most aptly located of the "Real Housewives" series because they are in fact, a horrific train wreck; in the words of Shirley and Company, "shame! shame! shame!"

The women wealthy enough to "qualify" for this faux-ensemble go from dreadful to do-well, with the cast a bit heavier on the dreadful.
First up is "ILoveNewYork"- I swore last we saw Tiffany she was heading to LA to make it big, but apparently she wasn't on someones guest-list and landed in Atlanta instead. Irony number one, "guest lists"; these women would be nothing without one, because they just aren't that important (to anyone but themselves), bemoan the need for one and then use them to feel important. Not content to be embarassed at a party she (shows up to Flava-flav's pad,) oops I mean goes to sons college and embarrasses him to no end on tour of campus visit, DFCS calling.
"She-Devil in Shoes", character number 2 (who couldn't break herself away from her shoes long enough to help her daughter open a car door- I hope a DFCS rep and her ex's lawyer is watching!) throws herself a party with a strict guest list then mumbles the next day about all "the randoms" she had in her house- nice touch, bitch; ILOVENYC couldn't get in but randoms could...

Then there's tragic "Trisha Yawnwood", sadly having to grow-up "middle class" and hoping her kids don't suffer like she did (guess Obama won't get her vote), so she throws an 18K party for her(self), 11 year old daughter. DFCS action number 2: Mom leaves squealing little girls in hotel room while hitting the bar by 2pm. Irony number two: only mommy needed the expensive party to feel self-important, her daughter wishes "not everything was such a big deal" but spending money means she is loved, so spend Mommy must (note: has a sugar-daddy off-screen taking care of her till she makes it big in country music...she's close to making it big in something, but I wouldn't say c-o-u-n-t-r-y...maybe drop a letter or two.

"Charity Lady" seems pretty cool and grounded, one of two who seem to pull their own weight and do something besides spend other's money. She can't seem to hire well and might be inflating her ego a tad with the "high profile" label she puts on her family. Yeah the hubby is in sports, but so are like a thousand other men; unless your last name is Bryant, Hill or Brady...your not that high profile. And her assessment about "making it" because with their wealth there aren't racial issues of whites and blacks- wow. Irony number 3. The color that speaks is green baby. Don't fool yourself into calling it acceptance; money wouldn't matter if it were true acceptance- but apparently, at their level, it still does.

"Ivana" is the best of the group, pulling her weight, selling real estate and letting her hubby take care of her when she's sick; Have I not seen her drop a dime so far? Wow! Irony #4- not spending and still on the show!

What Bravo is introducing the rest of the world to is A-town's unique form of trash, bruised and sour peaches all made up, but ugly underneath, and infanticide, mothers who will eat their own for TV time and shoes, they make the Kardashians look classy...bless their hearts.

Blame it on Paris

You know, she's pretty damn good at taking... a joke.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

bumper sticker

Regardless of political affiliations, this bumper sticker made me laugh...

One little issue with the debate: Riddle me this Gwen, why can Sarah talk about her past record as an indication of her future success, but Biden can't discuss McCain's past record without being deemed "stuck in the past?"

Can-Canned

Dear Kim,

It appears your ass is bigger than your star; back to Beverly Hills for you my dear! Perhaps cable reality tv will be kinder to you than broadcast network audiences- where's Ryan and Reggie when you need them most? And, if the rumors are true, this ain't what you should act like an inconsolable loser over, save that drama for your sisters and the next fight you get in with them on your own show.

Perhaps you should take notes from Sarah Pallin; she has set the bar so low for herself, she can't help but beat expectation tomorrow. You aimed high and fell low- good thing ya got a lot to fall back on...

Paso doble right past ya...
Cloris

Color me surprised!

Wow! When I heard this news my face must have revealed as much shock and surprise as Joan River's does after a trip to botox land! REEEAAALLLYYYY.

I'm experiencing more emotions (dread) over the new Pussycat Dolls cd, "Doll Domination" than I can muster for Aiken's true confessions.

What next? Lindsey Lohan admits to dating a girl???? Golly, is it Friday already because it sure is freaky! What next, reveal Sarah Palin has no real foreign policy experience?

Hey "People Magazine" how about doing something crazy and cutting edge, like printing the winning numbers to a lottery before it's played, not like a year after the ticket was bought...next!

The World (created by McCain)

For those purist in theology, God made the world in 7 days; apparently that is too slow for John McCain. McCain has decided to quit toiling in the garden of Eden so as to recreate the world (economy) in just 4 days. Who really cares where most of the Middle East ends up on the map, so long as you can see it from your house(s) front porches? And just do away with China and Russia, pesky foreigners, just give us your oil!

It's freaky to think that Mr McCain, a self acknowledged "weak on economy" candidate, wants to stop Halloween, Day Light savings, creation of the blackberry, resolving the feud between Lauren and Heidi and suspend (buy time for Palin) his campaign until he completes a rehaul of the US economy...over the weekend. Did he pick up "Economics 101 for Dummies" and now feels more competent in solving this financial fiasco than all those people who do study the economy on a regular basis?

Does anyone out there really believe anyone on Capitol Hill knows what to do? Will $700 billion be all it costs to patch-and-fix the economy's blow-out?

Given that the two Senators angling to be be the next Prez. have been out on the trail and not present in day-to-day activities in the Senate for quite some time, what makes either think they can do any good now?

I think the dudes from "The Big Bang Theory" should be called in to resolve this mess and not "The House-husbands of Capitol Hill".

Is it sad to note that the only bailout for us from the non-stop campaign of 2007-2008 is a collapse of the economy- why couldn't it have happened sooner?

Now where's Paris when you need her economic savvy?

on my radar: Heart 101

An article on the web caught my attention, it asks how much do you know about your heart.

Heart 101:
Over a 70-year lifetime the average heart will beat 2.5 billion times. Each day the heart pumps out 2,000 gallons of blood through the body. Diet, exercise, blood pressure and genetics all play a role in keeping this hard working muscle in tip-top shape!

My interpretation:
Heart 101: band from Bellevue, Washington, led by sisters Anne and Nancy Wilson- big in the 80's and 90's with hits like "Crazy on You", "Alone", "All I Wanna Do is Make love to You"- with the popular video that promotes male-date rape and keeping children from knowing who their daddy is, and currently unhappy with McCain (and un-Able) for using "barracuda" as a theme song at the RNC.

Over a 70-year span the average heart will beat 2.5 billion times, unless you are Edward Cullen, have met Buffy the Vampire Slayer or are named Dick Cheney (there's no valid proof he has one). 2,000 gallons of blood a day? Where does it all come from? Given that a gallon of water weighs 8+ pounds...that means that about 16,000 pounds of blood moves through you a day! Imagine what it must be like for Drew Carey!
Diet, exercise and blood pressure keep it in tip top shape? How ever is Hulk Hogan still alive? And I thought Angelina Jolie was the hardest working muscle around!

Evil abrewin'

All was quiet this dark and cloudy evening at Hogwarts, but the silence did not equate to innocence and slumber, for not all were sleeping this night.
Evil had threatened this sanct and hollowed learning ground for young witches and wizards, and where, in the past, evil got so close to winning, good still prevailed- but make no mistake, evil was still abrewin'.

Here at Hogwarts it has always been believed that the "strength of good" buoyed the children through those dreadful years, but in the camps of some (mostly the House of Slytherin), murmurs were heard that it was simply the act of "praying the bad away" that brought prosperity; truly an irony (that Slytherin would be praying) not lost on those who lived through the years of "He Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken", aka "Dick Cheney (or Dan Quayle)".

But on this night a silence was enveloping the grounds, a silence that betrayed its self, so deafening were the awkward pauses. Slight was the breeze, but on it rode a few light whispers, whispers that would have sent chills down the spine of Professor Trelawney had she heard them and recalled her visions from years prior. But her mind is now murky and only a few pieces fall into place, "The one with the power to vanquish approaches...the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives..." and so Trelawney goes forth, not knowing, but sensing, an evil emerging once more. What is for certain is that this evil speaks with the parsfaltongue...

The Republican Party Surprise

What's a party if there isn't a surprise thrown in?

While eagerly awaiting the speech of Sarah Palin, Republican delegates were feted with a lavish feast: pasta, veggies, wine, bread, pork loin and a guest appearance/performance by Lindsay Lohan. Despite failing to hit the same "public awareness" that Chris Crocker achieved on youtube by requesting that we "leave Britney alone!", it seems Lindsay's blogging about leaving Jamie Lynn Spears, oops, I mean, Bristol Palin, resonated with the McCain party planners and they invited her. The surprise? The pasta was delivered by a Pizza Hut employee, none other than Bristol's husband to be, Levi Johnston.

I'm hoping Heidi and Spencer are somewhere there filming their experience for use on a show at some later date, then I won't have to miss the Williamses tennis match and catch the highlights in a few months when it runs on MTV.

Explain to me how "kids are off limits" and yet the whole damn clan is pranced out in front of the media?

Other than uncommonly long lines at the men's restrooms, and no signs of Larry Craig, delegates have had few issues to complain about- outside of their candidate.
And the Bush video conference and Cheney's presence.

Oh yeah, and the crab grass.

Politically Incorrect Olympics

So the "Bay-Jing" Oly's have come to a close and all of China is now sleeping and nervously calculating how to pay for the $44B games, perhaps they will sell off Tibet or annex Japan?

As I sat riveted to the 17-day coverage, fleeting moments of humor would flash through my brain as I contemplated, furrowed brow and curled-up lip, on how I could compete in the trampoline or race-walk events; 18 years of bouncing on a bed or 39 years of walking has to come in handy at some point in my life, why not as an Olympic sporting event?

The other thought that managed to escape the Chinese mind-meld of coverage in my brain (was I turning into the "NBC-Tiananmen Candidate"?) was, "if I created my own "Dream Team" what and who would it be?"...thus my VERY politically incorrect Olympic Dream Team was born...stop now if you don't want to be offended...

Open Ceremonies: Heidi Montag entertains
Any throwing contest: Naomi Campbell (she doesn't appear to ever miss a target)
Boxing: DaBrat
Fencing: University of Miami officials
Sailing: Natalie Wood
Equestrian: Christopher Reeves
US Rowers: anyone living in Flordia after Fay
Shooting: Dick Cheney
Steeple (and Evangelicals) Chase: John McCain
US women's 400 relay: Hillary's campaign team (dq'd for dropping the baton)
Gymnastic Judges: Discredited Clayton County (GA.) school officials
Tug-of-War: Russia vs. USA and Georgia
Chinese Gymnastics Team (women): my niece's day care class

Closing Ceremonies: Amy Winehouse to accept the Olympic flag going to London.

...more like 'ho's!

The leaking of the probable "Dancing with the (D-list)Stars"
has me rethinking the TV show's name!

Several celebs rumored to be on the show:
Susan (All My Tangoes) Lucci
Mark (I just wanna look fly) McGrath
Lance (I kissed a boy) Bass
Brooke (does TJ need a Hooker) Burke

and...

Kim (oh my god, becky, look at her butt, it's so big and round) Kardashian

tick-tock tick-tock...time is running out on the show with this cast!

My Sport- GO USA!

Once every four years an amazing thing happens- people are exposed to, and appreciate, sports where the players have to make a living doing a "real" job to afford their passion. How mighty it is to have a swimmer so applauded amongst all the highly-over paid professional athletes. Kinda like a happy David and Goliath story, if you're into that kinda thing. As a long time swimmer and water polo player I welcome the Olympics like MTV does the return of "The Hills"...

Go USA water polo!

I've got to imagine out there somewhere, a trampolinist is saying the exact damn thing!

Bush to protect Atlanta during the invasion of Georgia

George Bush has been in town all week trying to secure the withdrawal of Russian troops from Georgia. Twice he has been in Centennial Park and has yet to see a single troop come through the city. He is raving mad- the Russians are not following the peace treaty that they signed over the weekend.

I am proud of Bush's commitment to the South, and his efforts to free us all and to influence swing votes for McCain come November. He was quoted saying that, "never again will Atlantans starve as god is his witness" and that he will do "all he can to prevent Putin and troops of re-enacting the March to the Sea that Sherman did to Georgia back during the American Revolution." It is his belief that cities should not be taken over and destroyed frankly because someone doesn't give a damn (as long they are outside of the Middle East).

Bush also said Peachtree Street would stay free of troops and traffic as long as he was in-charge and went on to compliment the designers of the city and their very sneaky way of confusing invading troops (and tourists) by naming 37 different street some form of "Peachtree"- that must be why he hasn't seen any Russians- they are lost and may be close to invading Birmingham instead.

Beijing Hostage Crisis

Can't tear away from the Olympics...
thank god for pre-packaged foods, microwaves and online watching.
After tomorrow, when swimming and tennis are done, the whole shebang is about over in my world...then I hope to be released from this bondage (no, I'm not wearing one of the new LZR swimsuits...).


Why do I watch?