Testing my patience

For a society that, on the whole, seems to abhor anything close to standardized testing (whether it be the SAT's, ACT's, IQ, blood, who's your daddy, Chlamydia, or emergency broadcasting systems) there sure are a helluva lot of tests you can take on Facebook- and people are not only taking them, but they are sharing their answers with everyone...and thinking you should take the same tests too!

How keen is it that the city we both should live in is Phoenix (ouch, that hurts!)
or that my closest "Sex in the City" persona is Carrie (yeah, we type about the same number of words per minute) or if I were a superhero I'd be the Flash (the red spandex and spanx are quite fetching!)?

Maybe it is because I was that "one of those" people who rather enjoyed taking tests through out school that I have such a disdain for the random crap that is such malarkey and has no foot in reality or value. "Like I'm really closest to Julie on the Love Boat" and my best pet should be a turtle"!

So the latest, and close to lamest, test to wander down the pike has to be, "If you were a Jonas Brother, which would you be?" I quickly answered, "the one without the ring..." but when the answer came back, "Eric Dane" I realized maybe there was something to this...

Does a rose smell as sweet?

"What about the smell?" is all I keep thinking of when I hear that Michael, THE Michael, has yet to be laid to rest.

I mean, do they have him secured in a human-size Ziploc baggy or something?
I know how a pair of feet can smell in a day or two with no washings, but add armpits (he still did have those, right?), decaying skin and musty death-breath and you got some major funk going on! If CSI has taught me anything, it's that dead bodies can create some major Febreeze moments! If he thought Diana was dirty, imagine what she's saying about him, right about now!

Lay the poor man to rest already! You know anything that has to do with MJ is still going to be a 3 ring circus, so have with it and move on to all the legal disputes that will go on infinitely. It's not just the music that will make MJ immortal, it's also the litany of lawsuits that will stretch from here to the end of time.

Memoirs of an Imperfect Angle

I hate wrapping Christmas presents!

No, we are not anywhere near the season of church-driven giving (it ain't charity sweetie!), but I figured I might as well get that rant off my chest during the dog days of summer when everyone is a bit grouchy because of the darn heat and humidity; complaining just seems to blend better during summer's muggy-ness than in winter's chills. Like how smoking a cigarette seems more chic in winter when those tendrils of nicotine-exhaust waif out of your mouth, than during the 100 degrees days of summer where it looks as enjoyable smoking as it does wearing a gas mask jogging.

I know that there were people who, while growing up, belonged to certain ("DECA, DECA anyone?") high school groups that would not only teach you how to wrap presents in a manner that would make you look like an expert, but that would also then hawk those skills at the local malls for a few bucks to help your said school organization. This skill wasn't for me. I was too busy doing sports and learning real life talents, like integers and chemistry equations. I preferred to wrap my presents like I wrapped my text books, place them in a bag; VIOLA!...or if I went fancy, I cut that brown grocery bag open and wrapped the book up with a new surface for future doodling.

Fast forward to the future...

Now I am a broken man, embarrassed by the sad displays of perverted colored origami (that I paid dearly for at the local Hallmark store) molesting a box, trying to pass it off as eclectic wrapping talents. I typically acknowledge the "blooming skills" of my young children who wanted to "help daddy". That only gets awkward when gift recipients realize I have no children. The thing is, when it comes to wrapping, I can't get a darn angle to work with me! I fold one side too short, the other was cut wrong and I end up with something as disheveled as Oscar Madison from the Odd Couple! And what's worse? My partner is an EXPERT at this shit (not that I am competitive about these things...). Every gift he wraps not only looks commercial ready for Tiffany's or Bloomingdale's (even Martha needs to step back!),he even nails the darn ribbons...that he makes! I sit there sticking on as many of those pre-made puppies as I can, to hide the paper tragedy, and he's there making his own....and they look good. I silently curse paper cuts on him that just don't come while I fiddle with yet another crappy angle of wrapping paper to finesse into something more than it will ever be, like Tonya Harding's dreams of making it into the big time.

My closing thought on this, "Thank you for gift bags..."

Hughes? Hughes? Hughes?

For many, the day "the Earth stood still", was merely a month ago when Michael Jackson was declared dead (and not the Keanu movie remake), as I have made clear, that day was not so tragic in my eyes- he'd been a ghost of himself for over a decade; but the news today, of another 80's icon passing, did bum me out.

During a walk in Central Park, director John Hughes suffered a fatal heart attack.

If MJ provided the music to many people's childhood, John Hughes provided the movies. Growing up with the Breakfast Club (and desiring to start my own, only not detention-themed), the fear of being forgotten on my sweet 16, left home alone while the family vacations (I guess there's a plus for staycations) or crashing my father's car after skipping school (like I got to drive!), John Hughes wrote and directed the movies my generation was raised on. Too bad he had "Curly Sue" as his last effort, but where would "The Office" be if JH hadn't helped find Steve Carroll?

At least his efforts will forever (don't you worry about us forgetting about you, don't don't don't) be available via Blockbuster Netflixs.

Perhaps fitting, what came to mind when I heard of his death, were lyrics to an old OMD song from "Pretty in Pink", "If You Leave".

"...We’ve always had time on our sides
Now it’s fading fast
Every second, every moment
We’ve got to, We’ve got to make it last..."

Thanks for the movies, Mr Hughes...

I Learned it from Reality TV

Everything important in life, I learned from TV.

ok, more precisely, i learned the real critical stuff from reality tv

My lesson of the summer is two-fold; "don't mess with the big balls, just take a time penalty" and "men don't leave". Ladies, I hope you are taking notes! You ought to be taking notes!

So the "nothing to watch on Monday nights" complaint is finally over, now that "True Blood" repeats Sunday night's episode at the much more friendly hour of 8pm.
But I did get mildly hooked on the Bachelorette (finally concluding this week)- it's such a well written show! The plot lines are quite addictive.

After watching this hapless woman narrow down her suitors-to-be, I found myself asking, are (straight) men always this way? Not once or twice, but three times now men have left, just to show back up...and twice they were asked to leave. What's up with the "men don't leave" mentality? I can't imagine this translates well with future possible mates who have observed these guys not being able to take directions. I hope those who have to deal with men learn to lock their doors and change locks frequently! There's nothing more pathetic than a guy who's been dumped coming back for more...can I get an amen (and a restraining order)?

Years ago Jessica Lange has a movie about this phenomena, but I thought Lorena Bobbitt helped put an end to this; apparently not.

As for the big balls...well, that just goes without saying.

I Survived A Senate Hearing Gameshow

"dim all the lights (sweet darling) and cue the audience."
"placards in place to tell when to hoot and whistle and cheer and boo."

bring out the contestants

"stock the challenge booth with lots of water and ginseng, to help refresh the person and their memories."

First question, (for a potential seat in the big courthouse), "what EXACTLY did you mean, when 22 years ago, you said, "damn, he's hot!"

"To the best of my recollection, while watching a "6 Million Dollar Man" rerun, I noted that, while saving a disabled person, the actor, Lee Majors, looked hot in his t-shirt."

"Could you please clarify that statement? The American people have right to know where you stood on the appearance of Lee Majors (20 years ago), and if, by claiming he "was hot" did you discriminate against a lesser handsome person and trample over someones rights to non-discrimination based on appearance? So you believed Lee Majors to be hot?"

"At the time I thought that was an appropriate response. Yes."

"And do you still feel that way?"

"No."

"So you have changed your position on something you said just 22 years ago?"

cue the boo and hiss cards

Nothing further, next contestant please...

HP6: Magically Delicious!

Hip-hip-hooray!

I caught a premiere showing of Harry Potter last night and thoroughly enjoyed it!
Yes, this is from the same person who is enjoying this seasons Bachelorette, but don't hate on that! I know it's just fluff! It's not rocket science like Wipeout!

To help set the record straight, I didn't wait up past midnight to catch it, I got a sneak peek- and the only reason why I clarify that is to help prove I am impartial; as much as I may like Madonna, I'm not afraid to call out her in Body of Evidence, Shanghai Surprise , Who's that Girl, Speed the Plow her movie choices SweptAway. I'm not one of the crazy ones who dress up and and wait for hours/days in line to catch the Half-Blood Prince at the striking of midnight, or counted down the days till the final book came out.

Ok, getting the Deathly Hollows, at Waterstones, in London, on July 20th, 2007, way past midnight, on what is otherwise known as "opening night of sales" is a totally different story! (Tom) Riddle me this...Where were you when the final book came out?

Anywho...the movie is great, but advice for the book lover, don't brush up on the storyline before you go- there are some deviations from the book that may disappoint some of the "true hearts". But taken as its own movie, it's a wonderful adventure and has you primed for the final two installments...2010 and 2011 can't come soon enough!

Re-Joyce!

Nothing screams, "MOVE THAT BUS!", like a bad mug shot!
The latest entry into the "I'm a drunk celebrity- get me an extreme makeover" is none other than the lovable and laughable Janet. What she wouldn't do to have Mr. Roper bail her out of this one!

"well yeah, Three's Company was on 3 decades ago, but hey...who's counting?" Apparently, neither Joyce nor the Regal Beagle bartender, but the Breathalyzer certainly was!

There really should be someone running a "GlamorMug Shot" service to the stars- they'd certainly stay in business. Given how TMZ is all over everyone's shit before the cops are, perhaps they could add it to their line of services. At least then someone might agree to an interview or regard them somewhat favorably.

Here's hoping Joyce DeWitt pulls that mug back together, it's way too close to looking like Norman Fell!

Is that it?

Beggars can't be choosers, but I felt this action was just the tip of the iceberg.

Given the crap that we as a radio listening audience have had to put up with over the years, I would think Mimi could have been a bit longer in her apology. Yes, it is a great first step towards acknowledging the s&$t she squatted out and dumped on the world, but it makes me think that she doesn't realize that is how she always sounds!

And, while she is apologizing, what about the dress she wore...?

So I have seen the dessert, "Death by Chocolate", on many a fine restaurants menus, but after reading this I just kept thinking about poor Augusta in Willy Wonka. This is not the way I want to go. MJ is my new role model for going out quick and easy, but with a big splash! Just no Mariah, please!

Stealing Salutations

Merry 3rd of July to all and to all a good fireworks show!

Something as big as the USA's birthday deserves more than just a mere day to celebrate (and who couldn't use another day off work), so I'm pushing to get a "4th of July Birthday Eve" added to our grouping of federal holidays. Note, that is "grouping", not "groping"; one needs not wait for a federal holiday to be groped, if you're lucky! Hello, separation of church and state? We "technically" aren't a religious country, but Jesus gets an "eve" thrown his way (and it's not even the real birth date, if you follow those things), so why can't Uncle Sam? Let the debate begin!

So Michael is dead and now he's a saint; funny what death can do to an image. Perhaps Perez should take note? Bet he's glad June is over! It's almost blasphemous now to refer to MJ as "wacko jacko", but less than two weeks ago he was irrelevant, bizarre and losing Neverland Ranch, again. Strip away his music credentials and he was a creepy man who would most likely have been locked up for a variety of reasons, least of all the cavorting around with a monkey. But now...need I say more?

A tribute to the Governor of South Carolina

A little ditty about the Governor of South Carolina...to the tune of the Black Eyed Peas, "where is the love"...

What's wrong with SC mama?
Daddy's living like aint got no mamas
I think politicians are addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas travellin'
Not explaining where he's been
Claims he's been hikin'
On the Appalachian
But it's frontin' for another woman
Yet marriages he will support to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's the lies he perpetrates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all

People cheatin' people lying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the Gov?(where is the Govx3)(the Gov2x)

Now the wife already sez he's changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Then trips to Argentina don't belong
Now the Governor drops a bomb
For months it's been going on
Away on Father's Day
What do you have to say
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy Argentine lover
Disappeared with the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the Gov y'all?(I don't know)
What's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the Gov y'all?

People cheatin people lying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the Gov?(where is the Govx3)(the Govx2)

Quote of the Day: anti-Twilight (again)

39-year-old actor Stephen Moyer, who plays Bill Compton, a 173-year-old Southern vampire on HBO's True Blood had this to say about Twilight's Robert Pattinson,

"He's a pussy! He's the Slim-Fast, Diet Coke of vampires."

It's hilarious, vamps dissing one another. I wonder what Spike or Angel would have to say? I bet Drusilla would like the young one and so would Eric.

Dear Stephanie...

Dear Stephanie Pratt,

I am so sorry to hear about your weight challenges while on The Hills. Given what being on that show did to you, it makes sense you've moved on. Your health is most important!

Oh, but you haven't moved on.

So who is to blame? You say the show, i say, "Why blame just one show when you could blame the whole city of L.A., the entertainment industry or the state of California? Go big or go home!"

Oops, bad advice. I'm sure that's something like what they said, "get big and go home! We only like reality stars that look thin, not real!"

I'm not sure if just being on a show can actually make you thinner.
NEWS FLASH...you may have had something to do with it; call it bad eating habits, drinking habits, always filming at a bar or coffee shop habits, binging habits, puking habits, smoking habits, coffee habits...or your stupid brother's habit of stressing you out.

The Usual Suspects.

I'm not a believer that being on a skinny-girl show creates your osmosis of bulimia to be skinny. I have watched plenty of America's Funniest Home Video's and never found Bob Saget to be funny. Anna Paquin doesn't have ESP in real life and Heather Locklear is no sharp shooter ala TJ Hooker!

I'm not saying, I'm just saying...

FINALLY!

And it ends so perfectly...!

Not Necessarily the News

Ann Curry did a great job interviewing somebody on Monday- but you'll never hear much about it. Instead, we are being fed, ad naseum, information on the Roker-Speidi interview feud...that no one wants to care about but everyone keeps reporting on it (chalk one up, make that 12, up to the Speidi's for hanging around in the media spotlight waaaayyy tooo long- some things are best left in the jungles of Costa Rica).
A country is close to toppling it's old-time government by virtue of a recent election, and about the only reason you will know about it is the fact that there has been blood shed during the riots that have taken place since the elections were completed. Otherwise, the only turmoil that is generating any coverage is the one between Palin and Letterman and that's about as ridiculous a topic to debate over as Sarah's pedicure (oh yeah, that's getting coverage too...).

Any one hear a good North Korea joke lately? They are about to be a huge threat with their recent advancements in arms development, but you wouldn't know much about that because John skipped Kate's birthday celebration, and that is the war everyone is googling to learn more about.

The way things are headed, about the only way Obama will get any attention paid to health care reform is to have Miley Cyrus tweet about it and "missing someone" (who died from a lack of health care). Fortunately, we the audience won't be duped, we've been told by every media outlet already she's just upset about a Justin/Jonas issue.

Perhaps Nero fiddled why Rome burnt because he was unable to distinguish between the music and the emergency? or he had TMZ on too loud? Oh, no, it was just that Adam Lambert was the lead story...

Making Mountain People Proud

Seems these days everybody is chatting about what exactly they want to do before they die, so here is a truncated list of things I hope to experience:

Being the Pope (non-religious).
Winning the Lotto (as long as it is over $20M, otherwise, it's just not worth it).
Attend all four tennis Grand Slams (half way there).
Appreciate Chaz Bono as much as his parents.
Enjoy the fervor of what was the Macarena craze.
Live in a city when it wins a major sports championship.

So, just a few of the things I hope to accomplish at some point before traipsing into the Elysian Field of Dreams. Some may say, oh, that's the bucket list, but I am not calling it that, because I think that movie (of the same name) looked REALLY stupid and would hate for my aspirations to be maligned to anything Jack Nicolson did pretty much since 2000. Is his only job these days to just show up at the Oscars and Lakers games? Please note that this list is not in order, just train of thought.

Well, all that changed this week. The pinnacle of my strength and focus is now on achieving this amazing feat!

Who wouldn't want a Girl Scout patch made in their honor? And who better than Dolly?

A California Fable

Off they went, a merry band of travelers, some might say, but I likened them more closely to a motley crew of pirates. Their destiny, and those who ventured to cross their path, was as unclear as a Sarah Palin speech, yet they set out with a song in the heart (probably Pitbull's, "I know You Want Me" since it has a nice beat to walk to), a slight sense of fear in their collective psyche and a vague sense of direction.

Not knowing exactly where they were headed was uncomfortable for Carrie. After a rocky few months on the pageant, and speaker series, circuit, and a recent decrowning, she was tired of others controlling her, but at least there had been a plan. Now she was having to rely heavily on her own wits, tits and lashes- the sashes were gone! If only she could understand the LA freeways she could relax.

Perez, on the other hand, loved the unknown, glib or vague facts of life (and gossip). He could handle this journey, he just wasn't sure he could trust his traveling team. He and Carrie had pulled off the coupe of the century with the Miss USA contest fiasco. Both had garnered more publicity than either could have hoped for, and no one had guessed they had planned it all along- genius! He just wasn't sure if the "third" member of the gang could be trusted, given their propensity for stealing the spotlight and hogging all media.

"Speidi" was the rogue member, now that they had escaped the jungles of Costa Rica- barely! To the rest of the world (okay, a very small NBC viewing audience) they are still there, but those few in the know realize that it's their "Dollhouse" fembots that are actually still there, malfunctioning constantly with glitches of "desiring to quit", that have allowed the real couple to join up with the others. They could hardly relax, fearing their disappearance from the jungle will be soon discovered- fortunately for them, no one is watching.

The journey wasn't far, Sacramento to be exact, but the road was a tough one- reading road maps was no ones forte. They desired to help fix California, by way of recreating a third political party, "The No(sp) Nothings". They hoped that when they arrived at the capitol, the Terminator would grant them audience and their request for a brain- just one, to share amongst them and the recognition of a legitimate third-party.

Carrie dreamed of the ticket of Prejean-Palin ("too (sp) beauty queens in politics"), Perez hoped to emulate, and attach himself to, his hero, Rush Limbaugh. Heidi was holding out for a reunion with LC. None of them realized that they'd have to run against each other, but so was the ignorant bliss of the "No Nothings".

Ass-inine

There has been so much discussion about "accidental" asses fly around this week I thought it was already 2012 and Gingrich and Limbaugh were on the campaign trail; good to know it was just about Bruno and Eminem.

It's been a while since the MTV Movie Awards Show was (and I will use the term loosely) relevant or noteworthy. How long has it been since we saw the skeleton and Elvis' kin do that fake kiss and then discuss it? Truth be told, when's the last time anyone watched MTV for more than a "Hills" episode (and haven't we all given up on that (the ratings would seem to agree)? Yeah, MTV was once a powerhouse of social influence, but I'm placing money in the dead pool that MTV is about to be planning a wake.

Given the death of MTV, what's the new Muse? I read an article somewhere that Muses are fading like the Golden Girls; slipping away fast and you're dating yourself if you know who they are). I blame the calamity of the Muses on that atrocious fiasco of an actress, Sharon Stone, and her movie, "The Muse". That mythology has gone to Hades since she tried to channel one! But in this technologically savvy age, I guess the logic must be if you can't Twitter or Facebook, are you really there?

I wish we could get Judy Blume back- I'm pretty sure she isn't dead, so what gives?
Can't somebody resurrect her career (like Susan Boyle) and lead our new youth past vampires and LC and direct them to the new Superfudge? Or will they be lead by false/fallen angels and hail Bruno as the second coming of Borat? Talk about calamities!

So what gives, Jesus is in the dumper, LC is off the Hills, Twilight is fading (maybe too hopeful too soon) Madonna is verging on statutory rape (again) and the radio is full of GaGa....who will be the next leader?

Panic at my disco!

What to do?

I have 3000 songs on my Ipod (that all sound the same- "but there is SUCH a difference between the Aude remix and the Leger remix"), so now I am out of memory.
Now, when I say out of memory, that's a technical term, not an Izzie type of short-term thing that may be indicative of a death coming up because I have been so difficult to deal with on the set, for the past season, but I digress...

Given the vast array of songs that I have downloaded, but probably not even listened to, BUT MUST KEEP, how does one go about the delicate task of uninviting artists to squat on my pod? How do I know that I may not need Shakira in a moment of uninspired jogging to remotivate my ass? Or that Fleet Foxes will win me style points with the person sitting too close to me on a bus (not that I ever ride one...it is really more about those annoying individuals who linger too close in any of life's settings, where they shouldn't be sitting so close to me!) And to that point (and if they aren't cute...), I've got to keep some Rob Zombie or Twisted Sister loaded just so I can kick it up real loud to chase them away.

Curses on this faulty memory!

I have attempted to waterboard the damn thing in hopes of recapturing long ago downloaded musical memories that may otherwise not be recollected, but that hasn't gotten me too far. I guess you can put Ipods right up there next to Nancy Pelosi under the category of "things that don't hold up well under examination." Funny, under a hair dryer, I might be able to revive my Ipod, but Nancy may not survive her own hot air...

Talk about a Sophie's Choice dilemma...NKOTB or NSync?

Where's Solomon when I need the wisdom on how to cut the baby??

Suddenly Single

Single again...

"I was just a boy, sitting in front of a TV show, no longer loving her"


What would once be met with a joyous uproar now barely gets a "meh" from moi.
A barely audible response of indifference was my reaction when I heard that "The Hills" had been renewed for MTV. Who gives a rip for season 5?

Yes, I have outgrown my relationship and I have ended the long time love of my Monday nights...I broke up with The Hills.

Well, like, who hasn't? The ratings are sinking like Lady Gaga in front of a line up of naked sailors. Yep, it's gotten down and dirty fast! Even the queen bee has chosen to walk away- Lauren Conrad has left the Hill...the rest will soon come tumbling after. Maybe she can now give more time to her clothing line before it....ooops, too late.

Its not to say we didn't have a nice run for awhile; I was so hot and heavy into everything Lo, Audrina or Brody had to say or wear. I was a quoting fool of all the best Justin Bobby lines (ALL of them), and when it came to Speidi- nobody loathed them half as good as me (besides David Letterman)...I was the consummate fan.

Maybe it was the trip east, for Whitney, that was my last straw. Like a fan of Destiny's Child feels once Beyonce has left and only reunites for charity singles; it is just not the same. I suddenly found myself cheating on the gang- switching over to watch other shows on Monday nights- and liking them! Liking them more than the plots of The Hills even! Okay, maybe that is stretching the concept of a plot too much, but even Dancing with the Stars became more engaging (and quite a good lot of eye candy to boot scoot boogie with).

So, it's over. Done. Finito.
R.I.P. "The Hills" may the sun finally set on you soon...

I'm moving on, Lauren's moving on, Whitney has left, the sex has gone as stale as a Speidi fight; why stay around any longer?

The Hills is starting to resemble a 14 year old dog, half-blind, half-deaf and with only 3 working legs...won't somebody put it out of it's misery?