Tuesday's SVU

The following is an actual call received on the Beverly Hills Police Special Victims Unit (SVU) phone line. (Editor’s note: in Beverly Hills, “special” means exactly that; the phone number special people call is “STAR-9-1-1”, because they are one!).

Caller: “Damn it! Is there someone there who can help! Help Me!”
Dispatcher: what is the problem madam?
C: “they are everywhere! They are stalking me!”
D: “Who is madam? Are these people trying to hurt you?”
C: “Yes! They are hurting me worse than bad ratings!”
D: “How are they hurting you?”
C: “I have good days, but then I have some bad days, too…they hurt me most on the bad days!”
D ”Are these people in your home with you?
C: “Yes!! Yes they are! They are everywhere! They are staring right at me, on the cover of “W”, “GQ”, and “Vanity Fair”.

(at this point a n SVU specialist is brought in to handle the crisis)

D: “AM I speaking with Jennifer Anniston?”
C: ”Yes! Yes you are!”
D: “ Jennifer, this is Tom Cruise, and I want to help you!”
C: “NO! No not you! You won’t offer me drugs to relieve my pain!”
D: “ Jennifer, or may I call you Rachel , you sound stressed- what is in your diet these days and how often are you working out? Have you heard of Scientology?”


D: “Hi Jenn- can I call you that, Jenn? This is Paula Abdul working the lines tonight and I am here to help you! I am going to buy you a cell phone so you can always reach me when you need help or drugs to help ease your pain! I am forever your girlfriend!”

(this call was soon terminated when several reports came in (falsely) that Aquaman was sleeping with the fish again….)