An Amber Alert has been issued for a male and female who disappeared sometime during the summer movie season. Initial estimates place the couples disappearance somewhere between “Kingdom of Heaven”, “Herbie: Fully Loaded”, and “The Island”.
The female is a brunette, a little bit taller than the male, maybe a hundred and twenty pounds if thrown into Dawson’s Creek (and add an extra 2lb or 3lbs if she has THAT cold sore on her lip!). When last seen she was fighting against evil along side of Batman, sporting a hefty engagement ring, and whittling away at her “best-friends” list. There were sightings of her in Paris, London and any other place where her movie could be promoted. She is not considered dangerous (or very bright), simply “impressionable”. If Olive Oyl was a real person, she would capture most of her essence. But, due to the erratic behavior of her male traveling partner, any attempts to contact her should be done with holy water and mace and through HIS publicist!
The male is quite a bit older than the female and is prone to fits of freaking out, lashing out, and acting holier than thou. The male does not react well to being squirted with water, questioning his sexuality, asking about his religion, acting outside of very limited range of expression, or being left around furniture while on national TV. He was last seen wearing a t-shirt stating “I’m Complex!”, blue jeans, and a chip on his shoulder the size of Lindsay Lohan.
Anyone who has any information to the whereabouts of this couple is asked to call the Church of Scientology immediately! But please don’t notify the press- we don’t want to see them!
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