Dear General Public (not the band, but asking for your tenderness, never the less),
It's Christmas time and there's no need to be stingy when it comes to donating to needy causes, that is why I am asking you to donate to my charity, the "Help Drew Peterson Fund". Yes, there is a war raging, children starving, and something in Darfur and a broken A/C in the polar ice caps, and they get attention year round, but what about those in need, here in the USA, during the holidays? No, not all those with subprime loans or MLB players named in George Mitchell's steroid report, I'm talking about me! Times (alimony) have been hard for me, as my four (three, two) ex-wives can attest to. Some may say I'm a lady killer; I think it's my moustache that oozes charm (like blood from a knife wound) that women can't resist (and if they do, well, lets not go there, or there, or into the garage without a search warrant).
A recent spurt of bad publicity has made it hard for me to work and now I need to ask for your help. Can anyone lend a hand (to help me move a few blue barrels from my garage), and donate a $100 to my bank funds? I promise, when my wife returns, I will pay you back (just as soon as I can).
Don't worry about me as a security risk (they took my passport), I am a sound investment( like a bank stock)! And I am smart (smarter than Kelli Pickler atleast) I have gotten rid of several wives and no one has caught me yet! I'm like a modern day OJ, misunderstood (and guilty as hell).
Please, won't you donate?
Cheers (and gone fishing),
Drew (not Scott) Peterson
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