I’m throwing my pointy hat (NOT to be mistaken for a klan hood!) into St. Peter’s ring (anything to get away from the “Emancipation of Mimi”—she’s back!).
Vote for me for Pope! I promise my reign would last longer than Jane Pauley’s talk show!
All this media coverage about the Pope just has me in the mood! Not that mood! I’m not trying to be a Bishop!! It only takes a simply majority of votes from the College of Cardinals to win. Since there are only 118 qualifying Cardinals, I only need to convince 60 to vote for me. I have fewer skeletons in my closet than they do (counting the Basilica tombs)! Voting starts April 18th, so I only have a limited amount of time to campaign! My platform is simple: “keep selling Pope on a rope soap to increase the coffers and reduce the lawsuits”! So next week, when you see smoke and hear bells, don’t stop, drop and roll or pull over to the side of the street, just know they’ve elected a new Pope.
Seeing how I probably don’t stand a chance, even though one doesn’t have to be a Cardinal to be elected, I’ve created “Pope Match 2005”: we’ll keep them competing till we have a winner.
Here are the preliminary challenges:
Camilla Parker-Bowles vs. Madonna (the singer, not “the Mother” that wouldn’t be fair!)
Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Anniston
Bono vs. Bob Geldoff
Desmund Tutu vs. Nelson Mandela
Lance Armstrong vs. David Beckham
OJ Simpson vs. Scott Peterson (sinners can repent!)
Oprah vs. Martha Stewart (they said Jesus broke the law)
Desperate Housewife (Terri Hatcher) vs Desperate Housewife (Marcia Cross)
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