on my radar: celebrity death-match

Welcome one and all to the latest round of celebrity death match!

Today's competition should be one of the most exciting challenges since Princess Diana was pitted against Camilla Bowles and a French Tunnel! We have decided to set the challenge in a most unique place, the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood, Ca.! Yes, that's right, we are bringing the action to Paris' summer home. Not only are we bringing the action to her, but she's going to be a part of the competition!

We didn't scrimp on the entertainment for this match, no sirree! We could have gone soft and thrown in Lindsey or Britney or Larry Birkhead or Anna Nicole (she should be down to about the 120 lbs. weight by now), but we wanted more bang for the buck, and so we went from one cellblock to another to find just the right contestant! Yep, that's right, today's challenger, fresh from his flight from Denver and a wee bit of surgery, is Atlanta's favorite lawyer and TB outpatient, Mr. Andrew Speaker!

It's hard to wager who will win this epic battle; Paris, already having found god, has him on her side, plus she has for years successfully managed to not be devoured by the wild paparazzi beast; a skill not even "The Hoff" can claim! But she'll no longer play dumb and that's gotta hurt her chances here! Mr. Speaker has avoided being run over by the ambulances he chases, but when it comes to handling the media he resembles a deer caught in the limelight; will he choke, or will he find that spark that drove him to be wed, humans be damned? This is a tough call!

Oh my! In what must be a most shocking turn of events, Miss Hilton has already seduced and strangled Mr. Speaker (with video tape no less!!!) before the opening bell could be rung. Wow!!! Paris certainly has learned fast from her days with Rick Solomon! That one tape will never make it to video! Paris wins! Or did she? While chatting with Barbara Walter post-fight, it finally struck Paris that she may now be infected with TB and will never leave this cell...I guess we all win in that case!