that explains the smile!

Mr. Potato Head in ecstasy bust

Upon opening the parcel, the officers were greeted with the smiling face of the popular children's toy, which features a potato-like head and removable facial features. But when they removed a panel from the back of the toy, the officers found 10.34 ounces of ecstasy in a plastic bag.

Bursting Bubbles One by One (sorry Glinda): stupid questions

On occasion, something, or someone, or something someone has said will hit me in a funny way; not so much a funny "ha ha" kind of way; more like a "WTF?" "that is so annoying" kind of way. It's usually nothing earth shattering like seeing Amy Winehouse eating at a McDonald's, or Courtney Love looking a hell of a lot like Michael Jackson; it's usually much more subtle in the "did anyone else catch that besides me" kind of way. Once I have noticed it, it can't be ignored, like a mosquito bite (but not a west nile one)- it keeps "itching" at me and my sensibilities (note: "MY" sensibilities, I'm taking some huge leeway here) and finally something has to give, and that's where this space comes in. Here's some venting space...

The first bubble I'd like to burst is the idiotic notion that there are, "no dumb questions." No dumb question? Kiss Mo'Nique's ass! And that's a lot of ass! I'm calling "bullshit!" You know it and I know it, so just quit saying it! Yes Virgina, there are, in fact, insipid questions!

Here's a sample: when some one wakes you from a nap and asks, "why are you napping?" or "did I wake you?" or when you eat something that tastes spoiled and they want you to tell them "does this taste bad to you?" Or, is Steven Seagal the best actor of our time...Is the world flat? Does Bush know what he's talking about? Does the war make sense...

Yep...the proof of the pudding is in the eating...chow down on dumb questions!

on my radar: career moves

Britney Spears is answering the call! No, she's not Broadway-bound to star in "The Vagina Monologues"; after a flurry of job interviews this past week (and a stop off at Kevin's with the kids) it has been announced by Britney herself (since she has fired everyone around her)that she will no longer pursue a career in drunkenness, debauchery, motherhood, or singing; she is planning on focusing her time and energy on nunnery (it was too hard to become a Scientologist). She has pledged to spend her time in the Sisterhood of the Traveling NoPanties Covenant and hopes to spread the word of God through animal sounds and rhythmic movements.

Inspired by a night out of partying and then endless viewings of "The Sound of Music", Britney truly believes she can be the next Maria von Trappe; she just needs more children to look after, and thus she shed her two tykes in hopes of gaining 6 more, slightly older, kids. Friends close to the musician, who question her mental stability believe she is more likely to become the next Mary Kay Leturneau before she becomes a saint. Just released court documents bolster those friends concerns, revealing that Britney had hoped to give her kids to anyone but Kevin Federline, with her preference being Maury and Connie, Paris and Nicole, and Sarah Silverman.

Now that's just crazy!

on my radar: odoriferous

Mariah smells up the place with her new perfume.

The assault continues- is no sense safe?

1. Sight: way too abused via MTV and BET, I used to envy Hellen Keller.

2. Sound: Even dogs hear the highest pitches- that's no fantasy!

3. Taste: always been bad!

4. Feel: nauseated by career spanning the 1999-2007 years and when seen pushing an ice-cream cart.

5. Smell: until now I could escape that one! Probably like thrown-up cotton candy at a state fair.

The Sixth Sense: I saw her career dead years ago, but the bitch won't stay dead! Can't she be more like Martika??

Common Sense: never had, never will; meltdown in 2002 now blamed on global-warming.

And what's up with that picture? Looks like she's lying in a pool of someone's blood (Beyonce's?) getting ready to fart!

Save yo ur money, buy a Febreeze candle instead!

Just my two cents....

on my radar: September

Holy Shit! Where did September go? Wasn't it only yesterday that Labor Day weekend started?
I have checked the calendar 3 times to make sure someone isn't fooling with me. Now I feel the pain of someone who has their stuff stolen and really wants it back ...I just won't pull a gun, knife, or anti-theft "the club" tool out to get it back! Sunrise, sunset...

I was astounded by the gossip that swirled around poor Miley Cyrus/Hanna Montana this past weekend! To think she might be "with child!" She's fourteen years-old for goodness sake! Come on, it's not like she's hanging out with Woody Allen or Kevin Federline (is she?) or Vanessa Hudgens!

"September morn. We danced until the night became a brand new day

Two lovers playing scenes from some romantic play

September morning still can make me feel this way" Neil Diamond baby!

on my radar: OJ

So I just didn't have the time to skip work and stand in-line for the new Halo 3 release, and I wasn't sure if it was really woth $60 bucks, so I made a game up instead, let's play "Where in the world is OJ's stolen shit?" Winners get the chance to steal OJ's Heisman trophy hidden somewhere in the world with Carmen SanDiego.
As a gamer you journey across America, flying from sunny Florida to Las Vegas, earning points by signing autograph's and not getting caught dumping bloody knives in the airplane bathroom. The more autographs you sign, the less guilty you feel. Earn more points upon your arrival to Las Vegas by locating a wedding party that consists of men carrying weapons who are willing to bust into a hotel room. Loss of points if one of the men is Kato Kaelin. Wearing any type of gloves, other than Isotoner's, or Bruno Magli shoes instantly lands you in court; lose freedom for a week. Rent from Hertz gains you points and speeds you through the check-out line. Successfully keep money hidden from the Goldman family buys you a lavish home in Florida. Write a tell-all book and lose all points. Continue to look for killer and stolen memorabilia on golf courses around the globe- end up wealthy and a free man. Get busted for acting like Walker Texas Ranger-priceless and lose your freedom- game over.

on my radar: whiter shade of pale

So I went into my local Sherwin-Williams store the other day, hoping to redo the walls of my condo. Do you know how many different shades of white there are? Holy Crap! Not only is there "eggshell" and "sandy beach", but there's "Mariah Carey" and "Barak Obama" right alongside "Martha Stewart" and "red-headed skin tone". Well, as much as I liked Obama, apparently he is just too white for my space, Jesse Jackson's too it appears!

This is just driving me crazy, how racist is it to tell someone they are "acting too white?" This is what Jesse called Obama over his "lack" of enough reaction to the "Jena 6" story. Are there white and black protocols I don't know about when it come to reacting to injustices done to people? If I, for one minute, were to say Al Sharpton is just being "too black" about how he's handling the whole thing, I'd be deemed racist, so why is it okay to say it in reverse? Will Jesse Jackson rename the President's house the Obama House or is that too white?

On a side note, when the President first heard about the Louisiana ordeal, he called Laura up to as why Jenna was down there having sex with six guys.

on my radar: criminal justice

God love the Constitution and the right to the freedom to speak freely, unless you are on Fox and have a point to make about the war...or just want to invoke the "non-offensive" (per FCC guidelines) expression, "goddamn"; you'll be censored, right Sally? Heck, even the ACLU is defending Larry Craig's right to a private conversation regardless of where it transpires, even if he doesn't support the ACLU's endeavors.

So what does it take these days to get busted? Ironically, for OJ, murder isn't what will get you locked up, but busting in to a hotel room, stealing your (or someone elses- it's not really clear) shit with weapons drawn and holding some sports memorabilia collectors hostage might do what a damn bloody knife and ill-fitting glove couldn't do...give him a life behind bars. Ain't that something! Poetic Justice?

The beauty of OJ's circumstance is the statement made by his lawyer, asserting that "it is only because of who OJ is that he is still behind bars, anyone else would have been granted bail and been released with in hours". No shit Sherlock! "Anyone else" hasn't been up for murder and tried to flee in a white Bronco...talk about a flight risk!

The perfect "lovely bones" twist to this crime would be a pan away from the incarcerated OJ and see Nicole Simpson's angel flying over the Nevada desert dumping the "missing stolen" goods!

Comedienne killed the videostar?

Anyone who watched the news today was reminded of the dreadful act that was committed on our country's soil 48 hours ago. Yes, it has been 48 hours since the Britney bomb went off, and General Petraeus couldn't be happier. Didn't Hilary Clinton say the Republicans would benefit from another bombing? She was right! While some news was dedicated to the Iraq report presented to Congress by Gen. Petraeus, a good portion of the news was still focusing on the aftermath of the debacle known as Ms. Spears.

Who to blame? The comedienne Sarah Silverman was the first target. Rep's claim Britter was so upset about the comedy act that was to go on after her, poking fun at her children, that Britney couldn't perform (boy that was obvious- even to Stevie Wonder!). Hmm, seeing how Sarah said no one knew her material prior to her delivery, I'd have to strike that one off the list. And we know Britney ain't a psychic or she never would have: left JT, had a 24 hour quickie marriage, starred in Crossroads, met KFed, 2 kids, party with Paris, shave her head or wear Lohan's stripper outfit to the VMA's), so she couldn't have known the material ahead of time.

Next best guess: a government conspiracy to distract us from the real news; a failing war report. I think it worked! My only damning proof is the eerily similar timing of another catastrophic bombing 6 years ago, the release of Mariah's "Glitter" CD. That bomb hit hard on Sept. 11th 2001, and 6 years later, we all still talk about where we were when that bomb was dropped.

Can someone open an X-File on this? Mulder? Scully?

on my radar: going nuts over football (ouch!)

Not for the faint -hearted....but too strange to be fiction

OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) -- To some Oklahoma football fans, there are things that just aren't done in the heart of Sooner Nation, and one of them is to walk into a bar wearing a Texas Longhorns T-shirt.
That's exactly what touched off a bloody skirmish that left a Texas-shirt-wearing fan nearly castrated and an Oklahoma fan facing aggravated assault charges that could put him in prison for up to five years.
The shocking case has set off a raging debate in this football-crazed region about the extreme passions behind a bitter rivalry. Some legal observers have even questioned whether this case could ever truly have an impartial jury.
"I've actually heard callers on talk radio say that this guy deserved what he got for wearing a Texas T-shirt into a bar in the middle of Sooner country," said Irven Box, an attorney in this city 20 miles from Oklahoma's campus in Norman.
According to police, 32-year-old Texas fan Brian Christopher Thomas walked into Henry Hudson's Pub on June 17 wearing a Longhorns T-shirt and quickly became the focus of football "trash talk" from another regular, 53-year-old Oklahoma fan Allen Michael Beckett.
Thomas told police that when he decided to leave and went to the bar to pay his tab, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn't let go, even as bar patrons tried to break it up. When the two men were separated, Thomas looked down and realized the extent of his injuries.
"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."
It took more than 60 stitches to close the wound, and police interviewed Thomas at a nearby hospital emergency room.

on my radar: effing bore!

WTF was up with Britney???

The VMA's started out like an old Lawrence Welk show...tediously slow, crappy music, and incredibly lame dancing. Oh wait, at least Lawrence's show had sparkle from the bubble-making machine; Britney was flatter than Shelley Duvall or three-day old champagne!

Was this her first day of sober dance rehearsals? She stepped like a pregnant cow, looked barely thinner than a hefer, and appeared horribly unprepared to do the number. Trista Sutter looked more certain of her dance step when she hoofed it on "Dancing with the Stars" (and she was the first to be eliminated in Season One). Mo'Nique could bust out more moves and look more graceful than B-list Spears! A real officer of the people should have pulled over this wreck of a performance and cited her with a DUI, "dancing un-inspired."

Apparently Brit's been so busy trying to remember her children's names that she didn't have time to learn the words to her own song! It probably didn't help her cause that she was up till 6AM partying Sunday morning with Diddy and just saying "no no no" to her rehab stint with grey goose and red bull cocktails.

And as for the "barely there" outfit; the only way that 2-piece looked good on her was if she was using a circus mirror or she did a 3-year time rewind-God that would be good for her!

If I could rewrite the lyrics they would definitely incorporate the words "what a bore, what a bore! Give me less, quit looking like a whore...." Anesthesia, Britney be thy name.

Kanye had it right when he bitched that she shouldn't open the show, she just about put it to sleep! She's just lucky Michael Vick wasn't in the audience with that dog of a performance!

on my radar: Fall

Farewell my summer love! Summer loving, had me a blast!

Dido and I must get the sand out of my shoe and head into Fall...after a week at the beach I'm a'peelin!

Have been beaching it...I will blog again!

on my radar: the "wide stance" defense

Shot to the heart and you're to blame,

Republicans are giving homosexuals a bad name!

Talk about a quandary! On one side you have these men (lately they've been high ranking Republicans: Larry Craig, Bob Allen, and Mark Foley) who spout hate and propose laws to oppress minorities but then get caught with their pants down in public restrooms (or chat rooms) with other men. These men deny any wrong doing, but are caught in the act of homosexual activities (the very same stuff they are writing laws against), most news watching people then determine these men are "closeted" gays and whitewash a whole segment of the population (the gay community) talking about "deviant behaviors", and yet these "exposed" men (save George Michael) don't profess to being gay...and so the people who suffer from the behavior of these men are the gays.

And thus you get to the other side of the issue; why does the gay community take a hit every time a Republican gets busted for inappropriate homosexual activity? It's kinda like an alcoholic Senator who pushes for prohibition and then gets caught drunk at a speakeasy...kinda.

My favorite quote from the story (from CNN) "When the police interviewed him later, the senator said that "he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom" and that was why his foot may have touched the officer's, the report said."

Stand back, he's got a wide stance!!!! Hate to know what's he's having for lunch...

on my radar: an act of contrition?

Lying beside you, here in the dark (prison cell)

Feeling your heart beat with mine

Softly you whisper, you're so sincere (they'll forget in a year)

How could our fans be so blind

We sailed on together (dog fighting ring)

We drifted apart (when the Fed's found out)

And here you are by my side (busted!)

So now I come to you (my fans, NFL, Arthur Blank), with open arms

Nothing to hide, believe what I say (this time around)

So here I am with open arms

Hoping you'll see what your love (money) means to me

Open arms (and I found Jesus, by the way...)

Living without you, living alone (no contracts or endorsements)

This empty (dog)house seems so cold

Wanting to choke you, wanting you near

How much I wanted you home (but not where the dogs were dug up)

But now that you've come back (don't call it a comeback!)

Turned night into day

I need you to "stay" (perform well or I will kill you!).

on my radar: "witch fight"

Apparently, it's still too hot in Georgia so the devil made a U-turn and high-tailed it to Salem instead; thus leading the locals into a "witch fight". No, seriously. Is this what happens when good witches go bad?

"SALEM, Mass. (Aug. 23) - A self-proclaimed high priestess of Salem witches and a second person were accused of tossing raccoon parts on the doorsteps of businesses, allegedly as part of a Wiccan community feud. Sharon Graham, 46, and a fellow Wiccan, Frederick Purtz, 22, pleaded not guilty Wednesday to charges of littering and malicious destruction of property. Graham also was charged with intimidating a witness. They were accused of putting a raccoon head and entrails on the doorsteps of Angelica of the Angels and the Goddess' Treasure Chest in May."

This reads like a low-rent version of the "Witches of Eastwick", just no cherry pits.

It's good to know that in this technological world of computers and reality checks, that witches still do exist...and that they use their powers not to heal the world, but to dismember nocturnal mammals and leave them on the doorsteps of their enemies, like a postal-wiccan Amway salesperson ; calling Dr. Bombay, come right away!

Someone get the Charmed Ones to help referee this magical Hatfield's-McCoy before they make Michael Vick look pet friendly! Witches fighting is so not fetch!

on my radar: W(why)TF????!!!!

Oh my eyes!!! They BURN!!!

Haven't we suffered enough?

First she bombed us on Sept. 11th, 2001 with her "Glitter" cd,

Next we had to run off to the pawnshop to offload her "Charmbracelet" at discount prices,

Then Universal Music Group records chose to Emancipate Mimi onto an unsuspecting crowd,

Now Willy is killing us all with a rumored duet...but this hits a new low

Stevie Wonder doesn't know how lucky he is to not have to see this sight! Someone protect the kids and the cow she's hiding....

on my radar: Hotel California

Well bust my buttons and ring all the bells...

The"Queen of Mean" is dead, or "the wicked bitch" if you're nasty!

Come out, come out, where ever you are, Mrs. Hemsely has left the premises for a location a tad more toasty! I wouldn't be so cruel, but she was! She was mean to everyone around her...nightmarish tales of abuse and ill-behavior that would make even Stephen King shudder! The horrible ways in which she treated her staff and her employees, you'd swear she was the role model for Naomi Campbell! And, as a business owner of hotels no less, to publicly denounce the patrons of your hotel while they are there....is crazy! And to throw in spicy derogatory remarks (at the gay tourists) just makes her the lowest of low class...hasn't she heard of the gay Mafia? She certainly was risking bad hair and make-up appointments for the rest of her life! But, by looking at her pictures, it looks like a few gay mafioso's got to her! Is it Leona or the Joker?

So it is only fitting to assume that she has passed out of this world and is now running the Hotel California in another...

on my radar: splitting (nappy) hairs

While reading the news today, I had a "Mirror Glass" moment that made me think I had stumbled through the paper and ended up in "Ally McBeal" land. No, this had nothing to do with too skinny people, it had to do with zany, frivolous lawsuits.

If I were to ask yo who Kia Vaughn is, who could answer? Anyone? Anyone?

Here's the answer:

Kia Vaughn is a member of the Rutgers women’s basketball team who is now suing Don Imus and CBS, claiming the radio personality’s sexist and racist comments about the team damaged her reputation. Vaughn’s lawsuit, believed to be the first by a player in the case, says Imus and his former co-host Bernard McGuirk, along with CBS Corp. and CBS Radio, are legally responsible for damage done to her character and reputation. There is no dollar amount listed in the suit

Excuse me? Me thinks a tad bit of ego and a lot of foolish advise has gone to her head!
How can someone, who 99/100 people have no clue who she is, better yet recollect and align Imus' comments to her specifically, claim defamation and damage to character? Who knows her character, and more honestly, who cares? And brutually, who follows Imus?

Did he say her specifically? I think not! She outed herself on Oprah as a spokesperson for the team, but that was after the fact; she the one who made herself a "face" for the team. Trust me, before they spoke up, outside of close friends and family, nobody knew who Rutger's players were.

Now, granted the comments were just stupid, but we all have a right to stupidity under the 1st Bush Amendment; and she has a right to stand up and call him out for his foolishness, but me thinks nobody ever took 2 cents to Imus' words and went out and treated any of the women, or Kia specifically, different than they would have before the comments were made. This just sounds like an ill-fated attempt to "get even"...hadn't most everyone all ready forgotten the whole thing? Could anyone outside of Rutger's remember what team Imus' referenced?

I wonder, does Kia have a dad who lost his pants at a dry cleaner in DC?

on my radar: fallen stars

It humbles me to admit (or is it a badge of pride) that I have never seen any of the follow-up movies to "Star Wars"; humbles me because it kinda takes me down a notch when I claim to be so on the know of most things pop culture. I would never claim to be "Stephen Kingly" connected, because he is just freakishly on the hook with everything, but I think I could pass a random quiz if I had to....just don't make me pick Star Wars categories.

So, I'm just wondering, since I didn't watch those other movies, did things get so bad for the evil empire: death star blowing up and all, Jedi's exacting revenge, making us (you, not me) deal with Jar-Jar, sending Sith's out to do a man's job, and attacking clowns (or was that a Judy Collins song?) that Darth Vader had to do his own shopping back here on Earth? I mean, even without a home planet, I could swear the technology they had could have atleast "beamed" something to him! How sad must it have been to crush galaxies, bust still have to wait in the 7-11 line? And what's with Coke? I so would have guessed him to be a Pepper!

Just another reason why Star Wars fans (geeks) get their arses kicked by Harry Potter people at the conventions!

on my radar: 756

Finally!

Why did the fool have to drag this damn thing on for so darn long?

It seems like "the chase" has been run longer than a Senate Filibuster! And just as boring!

The only reason to be thrilled that a cheater has now claimed the title (and I'm not talking about the Tour de France winner) is the hope that all the media surrounding "the event" will now cease and we can all get back to whatever was being preempted! No more split-screens like "The View"- that just gave me a headache, shutting whichever eye aligned to the half of the television screen that was suddenly forced to witness another "at bat" moment....there's a "Precious Moments" figurine that I doubt will be cast!

Hang in there Hank...I'm sure an asterisk will be inserted shortly!!

on my radar: guilty pleasures

Could the "KFC" trial in Texas simply be about folks who wanted a "KFC Bowl" and were told "No"?

I don't mean to make light of a ghastly crime, but that old tangential mind of mine started strolling the minute I saw those three fattening letters, "KFC", in the evening news; and where pray tell did I stroll? To the land of corn, mashed potatoes (buttered, of course!), chicken, extra gravy and heaps of fat; ah, the infamous KFCBowl!

Sure there is enough fat in one bowl to make Nicole Richie look healthy, but oh is that one tasty 3-meal replacement dish! You only need to run a marathon to burn off the calories!

The concept is so clever: mix everything you might ever want in a "comfort food" meal together in a bowl, try to market it in Sanjaya's (who?) hair, advertise it as complete dinner and viola; every lazy red-blooded American has just spoon feed themselves their next orgasm!

Next time you have sex, skip the cigarette and dig into "the Bowl"...and if you keep at it, soon you won't want (or get) the sex.

Screw being thin, this year, sin is in! And KFC has it by the bowlful!

on my radar: OZ

While I was wittling away the hours, consulting with the flowers...awaiting my plane
I caught a funny notion, that put my mind in motion and handly Bush's administration it did explain!
It had to do with people in the government arena
who make me wanna screama...

A recasting of "The Wizard of Odds"....
Dick Cheney as the man who lacks a heart
Alberto Gonzales as the man who lacks the nerve
And good old Bush as the one who lacks the brains
Condi can be the wicked witch

Sadly, we, lost in this administration, could all be Dorothy- just seeking to get home? Or is that the US soldiers?

And true to the story, in this version, there's no real wizard to help save the day...until November 2008 Or James and the Giant Impeachment!

on my radar: the truth about cats

There are dog lovers and there are cat lovers, and betwixt the two, the twain shall never meet!

I count myself amongst those most hallowed (and smart) of fellow pet people, I like dogs; and this damn cat, Oscar, has done nothing to change my mind, in fact, it has encouraged me to hold fast to my beliefs. Cats to me, and I know these be fighting words, are left best to Asian comics in "Hello Kitty" form and maybe for posters that say "hang in their baby", otherwise, I don't buy them!

So imagine my thrill when I learned that the Grim Reaper now masquerades as a furry pussy; proof, right there in a medical journal, that they are evil! Evil I say! Out damn Oscar, out I say!

Oscar hangs out at a nursing home in Providence, R.I., and then curls up with people who die within 4 hours...cheery cat; like that's what I want to be stuck with before dying, a damn cat! And, imagine how you might feel if Oscar wanders into your room; might as well up the morphine if Oscars comes slinking in! So much for having nine lives! Anybody ever suspect the cat might be a killer? They do that kind of thing to mice, maybe Oscar just snuck out of the Pet Cemetery and has a thirst for human flesh and blood!

I hope, since Oscar keeps killing his friends, that if and when it gets adopted, there is a owner disclosure about life expectancy!

"Don't fear the Calico reaper!"

onmy radar: the unbearable lightness of truth

~the lightning crashes, and a young man cries

his innocents falls to floor

the FCC opens it's eyes

the confusion sets in

before TV viewers change the channel once more~~

Damn! Damn I say! Who can you believe in these days when it comes to TV? What reality is reality TV? My frustration comes from the fact that the Discovery show I was getting hooked on has now been "Emporized", as in the Emperor's new clothes, being revealed to be nothing but a sham.

"Man vs. Wild", with host and survivor extraordinaire Bear Grylls, was created with a simple premise, dump Bear somewhere in the wilds and see how he makes it out on his own. I watched him drink his own pee, squeeze water from crap, eat salmon raw (kinda like sushi), and chow down on a host of bugs and nasty critters...all to save him and allow him to get out safely. The show strongly creates the impression (illusion I guess) of him on his own, camera crew not interfering, just out there till he can get to the roads of safety.

Now it has been learned that much of that is staged, with him staying in hotels some nights and eating during the breaks from filming! In the name of James Frey, what is going on here!!

This so bums me out! It changes the whole outlook of the show! Damn! Another one bites the dust! Next I bet there's never going to be a golden ticket in my Wonka bar wrapper!

on my radar: terminator tactics

Holy Crap!! That Lindsay knows how to kill her own career...ironic her new movie is titled, "I know who killed me?" Yes, we all know!

Was she gunning for the role of the Terminator? The way she was chasing down her ex-assistant's mom in an SUV it sounded like she was hunting down Sarah Connor!

And would ya look at that mug shot, "turn around bright eyes!"

She simply amazes me with the sad level of stupidity she has shown ( I don't want to be a stupid girl). I doubt Promises will use her as a spokesperson any time soon- and everyone was so singing her praises for being out and sober for the past 5 days...she makes Britney look like Mama Theresa!

I'd love to count the ways I find her amusing, but since she can't even get to twelve(steps) why start? Maybe I'll just keep it to .012 or.014, her breathalyzer results!

Carry on my wayward daughter...don't you drive no more!

on my radar: Cruella DeVick

Ironic how his dogs are treated:

"With dogs that don't win, it's not uncommon for them to be electrocuted, shot, hung or burned." But what troubles her even more is "the way the dogs are maintained, kept out in the mud on a short chain, a lifetime of that." That behavior to humans was outlawed with the Civil War!

Seeing how he has been a loser on the fields, should he be treated like his losing dogs?

Cruella De Vick, Cruella De Vick

If he doesn't scare you no evil thing will

To see his doghouse is to take a sudden chill

Cruella, Cruella

The curl in his lips

The ice in his stare

The innocent puppies better be ware

He's an NFL QB, a waste draft pick

Look out forCruella De Vick

At first you think Cruells is a devil

But after time has worn away the shock

You come to realize you've seen his kind of eyes

Watching you from underneath a rock

This vampire bat, this inhuman beast

He ought to be locked up and never released!

on my radar: aunty Emmy

Ask not for whom the Emmy tolls, it tolls for thee (Tony Soprano).

With my best prognosis, Emmy shall in just a few moment bequeath the nominations for the 2007 TV season. Shall the convulted finale of "The Soprano's "(he died!) carry the show to lead all nominations, or will something like "Tori and Dean's Inn Love" reality show rule the roost?

I place high bets on LOST, but fear for the first time, Emmy will award the best drama to a show that has ended it's run, "The Soprano's". The irony of that would be it's finale, which left most viewers dazed and confused and scrambling for answers and was so detested by most viewers, will be what get's it the nominations (and win).

on my radar: St Swithun's Day

Forget Milli Vanilli...there's now, officially, someone else to blame for London's wet weather: St. Swithun!

St. Swithin (or more properly, Swithun) was a Saxon Bishop of Winchester and legend says that as he lay on his deathbed, he asked to be buried out of doors, where he would be trodden on and rained on. For nine years, his wishes were followed, but then, the monks of Winchester attempted to remove his remains to a splendid shrine inside the cathedral on 15 July 971. According to legend there was a heavy rain storm either during the ceremony or on its anniversary.

Wow! That clears up a lot! I'm just left wondering, what kind of crappy Saint is that? Seems to me that the connection with rotten weather would be more likely attached to a sinner! Where's birds singing or nun's flying? Instead you get an Ark worthy bounty of rain? No wonder folks here lean to the Protestant's!

on my radar: d'l'eau!

With all respect to the French and Homer Simpson: d' l'eau! It's hella raining in London!
The rain in Spain has fallen mainly on jolly old England!
It's as if I found myself in Seattle, but everyone was speaking funny, and it wasn't Canadian! There is the comfort of a Starbuck's on every corner and the coverage of Beckham everywhere...and then all the rain. It's like I never really left Seattle. Maybe this is just a wet dream? The children, muggles every one of them, do have striking resemblances to Mr. Potter, and damn if this city is not atwitter as to the fate of the youngster!

I had the fortune to come into the city via Victoria Station...every tourist is smacking their head walking into Platform 9 3/4th...sadly these kids must not realize that they actually need to be at King's Cross Station, then they would get somewhere!

I'd much rather be running around with Rihanna or Mary Poppin's at this moment since she has the magic um-ber-ella! ella ella ella!

on my radar: glamour shots

Donald Trump announced today that all beauty contestants in the TEEN, MISS and Universe competitions will be forbidden from participating in any photo shoot, unless it is done by "Glamour Shots". Following the scandalous pictures that have plague contestants over the past few years, Trump has said enough. He believes by tightening the reigns on the shoots, he can stop the embarrassing leaks of photos that have tripped up Miss New Jersey, Nevada, and others. "If there are going to be lecherous people trying to make a quick buck off of these young ladies, then I want it to be me!", he said.

The decision to use Glamour Shots was a tough one, the final two candidates were Annie Lebowitz and GS, but after a short chat with The Queen, Trump realized there could be only one diva at the shoots, and that was him!

In other news, Donald Trump announced the purchase of all Glamour Shot stores and kiosk's today.

on my radar: code pink

Dear Mr. Chertoff,

The next time you have a "gut feeling" about possible terrorist activity in the USA, take some Pepto-Bismal and keep your mouth shut! How stupid was it for him to say, "I just have a gut feeling we might be attacked?" Poll the American population, virtually everyone thinks something will happen here, again, at some point....that ain't rocket science; that's called hedging your bets!

How much are we paying you for those brilliant, gov't funded hunches? Nostradamus did the same crap for free...and with a little leeway, everything he said can be interpreted to being correct. It's been 6 years since the last major attack, it would come as no surprise if another happened any day, but will Chertoff be dubbed a genius because he "felt" something might happen?

Why should the US spend millions (trillions) on all our "intelligence gathering networks"(and see how far that stuff got us) when we can just check to see if Chertoff saw his shadow to guess what will happen next?

Oh wait, I'm prognosing something...when the world series comes around, either an ALS team will win the championship, or they will lose it. Just a gut feeling...or is it bad gas?

Love,

Sybill Trelawney

on my radar: clone wars

Vapid is as vapid does.

Why does TV always seem to launch shows in pairs? Why isn't there an original idea out there that can be developed without another network offering virtually the same thing, at the same time? I am sitting here watching promos for this new show, "The Singing Bee" when I realized that Joey Fatone must have gotten "The Price is Right" gig because they have replaced him with another guy...one of the Wayan brothers (oops, it's a Brady)? But no, it's not "The Singing Bee" promo, it something about "remembering the lyrics".

Wow, two "Name That Tune" spin-offs in the same week...after about 10 years of nothing! What gives? Is music "hot" again? Why now, and why so eerily similar launches?

That got me thinking about the past few years of television where the viewing audience has been offered double dips of swapping spouses, alien invasions, medical dramas, and annoying kids...again I ask, how does this happen? I might need to call Inspector Gadget to help with this crime, because someone is ripping off someone. But next time big network executive, if you're gonna steal, steal the good stuff!

As I prepare for my jaunt to London, I can't wait to see how many of our TV programs are recognizable as replica's of British programming...Big Brother, American Idol, blah, blah, blah...

Blessed be Natalie Merchant for whom I butcher...
"they say I must be one of the wonders..." but let's stick to man's own creation and leave God out of it...and thus the "New" Seven Wonders were unveiled Saturday night; yes, on 07/07/07....a perfect wedding date for the millions of men who will now have no reason to forget their anniversary!

So after millions of votes, there are now a new group of seven wonders of the world; stuff like the Great Wall (I can build a wall), Petra, Pyramids, and statues all made the list...but I have a better list.

Here's my picks for true wonders, in no particular order(and easily debatable and changeable):

1. How to make authentic Thai coconut soup- I do something wrong every time!
2. The acting career of Nicolas Cage
3. The reunion of Van Halen (is it sponsored by Promises)?
4. Models marrying (not pretty) rock stars
5. W. Bush's second term
6. Pauly Shore
7. Soduko

on my radar: box of rocks

A slight lapse of reason found me watching "The Girls Next Door" last night. First off, they do not live next door to me...there's not that much peroxide and kaolin in the south to keep those 3 in their "natural color."

I think there are quarries of granite that have higher IQ's than these 3 put together, but obviously, smarts aren't their best attributes. Actually, two of them don't seem to be that dumb, it's just that one, Kendra, is so ABSOLUTELY dumb, she drags the others down, or, maybe she makes them look brighter...you choose!

So the "concept" is film the 3 girls Hugh Hefner dates and see what happens when women wear little or no clothes all day. I think that's about it. Oh wait, they pose for photographers and plan Hef's day...wow!!! How do they juggle it all and stay so blond? Oh, wait, Bridget showed her parent the striptease she had planned for Hef's 80th B-day. It was only SLIGHTLY creepy watching the girl's dad watch his daughter strip down to pasties and panties then clap enthusiastically. You gotta think there's something going through proud pops head thinking, "a man older than me is getting this...lucky SOB! Oh, that's MY daughter!"

Now Hef; there's someone who keeps Viagra's stock "surging". This show, in it's THIRD season (where have I been?) is like a train wreck, but so easy to gawk at! And the irony of it all...apparently the demographics skewer to a gay male audience, considering the ads shown during the episode were for gay men's chat lines...I guess I was supposed to be watching it all along!

on my radar: proud to be american

I usually don't wear adult diapers, but I'm glad I had a spare pair, otherwise I would have wet myself ! These days there's not a lot to be proud of when it comes to ringing the Liberty Bell of Americana; yes we have lots, but we are exporting too many jobs, our dollar sucks against virtually every other currency, our gov't isn't held in the highest esteem amongst world powers, and most of our cars are foreign, and run better.... so being all sentimental yesterday, I was certainly ripe for a John McClane "yippeekaiay" moment (NOT the Senator), and there it was!

Watching the "news" of the day, an American set a new record for eating hot dogs...66! In your face Japan! We rule! What a surge of pride (and vomit) I felt, thinking about 66 hot dogs being shoved down my larynx in just 12 minutes! One dog and bun eaten every 10.9 seconds! Linda Lovelace wishes she could be so talented! Funny though, somehow the single chicken burger I was eating became too much for me. Apparently Mr. Chestnut had acquired several people's appetites, while I'd lost mine.

And as the stirring sounds of the "Star Spanglish Banner" played I found my pride in being American...there may be things that we are lacking: recount processes, esteem from other nations, a proven health care and social security system, or even immigration reform bills, but there's something we've got that the others don't, and that's the pride that comes with a new role model for our children, "The Worlds Fastest Hot Dog Eating Champion"...and we wonder why we are fat!

on my radar: define "excessive"

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- The pro wrestler who strangled his wife and son and committed suicide last month bought injectable steroids excessively, according to court papers.

Which part of shocking is this to anyone?

on my radar: robots

Paralyzing thought of the day: How do i know if my boss is a decipticon or not?

Sometimes my workload feels evil and lacking purpose, but is it just because I didn't get enough sleep last night watching Conan or was it because I didn't go to an Ivy League school, or is it because my boss is really trying to take over the world, one boring spreadsheet at a time? She still has braces on, so I am leaning towards believing she is actually an evil mechanical machine....like the xerox! That damn machine is almost single-handly bringing down our whole department! No one can make colored copies and the collating function has never worked properly! I wonder if she is transmitting secrets via the fax machine? It never seems to work right, but it is always making funny noises...OMG! My department has been taken over by decepticons!!! And the leader of this movement...the Iphone! And their secret brainwashing network: "youtube". I used to think the WB was the source of all evil, except for "Charmed" and "Gilmore Girls", but I must revisit that thought and argue "youtube" is the evil network!

Or maybe the mastermind is Mr. Coffee, the coffee machine! Could it be spiking our beverages with extra doses of caffeine to make us work faster and sleep less? I'm beginning to know how Will Smith felt in "I Robot"!

I'd run for cover, but I am afraid the elevator will swallow me whole, like it did to Rosalyn in "LA Law"...such a great end to her character...but now I am a slave to these evil robots.

Maybe my boss is an evil fembot instead? Where is Jamie Sommers when you need her?

on my radar: save a lapdance for me

This Fourth of July, be loud and proud of your rights, do a lap-dance!

Apparently, under an intriguing interpretation of Oregon’s state constitution, the justice system ruled that lap-dances are protected as freedom of speech. Crap, Anna Nicole, might truly have been a Shakespearean scholar if we had just known how to interpret her speech patterns! Maybe she wasn’t just a money-grubbing floozy; she was a fluid conversationalist! Shake that bon-bon!

This brings on a whole new meaning to body language! It’s good to know that there are still sensible folks in judicial positions, what with Bush’s court leaning back to the Stone Age. With some of the recent ruling from the Supreme Court ya might just be expecting Wilma Flintstone to be a justice!

So go out and celebrate and remember to save a lap-dance for the one you love the most! Just remember, those dollar tips now mean you are helping to fund a children’s book!

on my radar: 56$K a day!

Who gets the last laugh now, beyetches?

Someone will have to amend the quote, "crime doesn't pay" to, "crime doesn't pay, but doing jailtime does!"
After adding up the purported price tags various media outlet will be paying for time with Paris post-jail, it is rumored that Miss Hilton will make approximately 56K for each day she was incarcerated!

Now what message are we sending to the youths of America? After decades of the message to rid neighborhoods of crime, suddenly there's incentive to get busted for doing something; I'm all about being a criminal if the payday is similar to Paris' (and no one gets hurt). And that I have a private cell (or atleast someone pretty). Imagine how much money the Titan's Pac-Man Jones could make if his felony charges stick! Maybe Michael Jackson could clear up his financial troubles doing some hard time!

So there's a lesson in here: who needs a high school diploma when the school of hard knocks pays better dividends?

on my radar: vengence

After realizing how difficult (and ugly) nightly news could be, Katie Couric goes after Meredith for her old morning gig....or is that bridezilla Star stopping by to say hi out of make-up?

on my radar: celebrity death-match

Welcome one and all to the latest round of celebrity death match!

Today's competition should be one of the most exciting challenges since Princess Diana was pitted against Camilla Bowles and a French Tunnel! We have decided to set the challenge in a most unique place, the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood, Ca.! Yes, that's right, we are bringing the action to Paris' summer home. Not only are we bringing the action to her, but she's going to be a part of the competition!

We didn't scrimp on the entertainment for this match, no sirree! We could have gone soft and thrown in Lindsey or Britney or Larry Birkhead or Anna Nicole (she should be down to about the 120 lbs. weight by now), but we wanted more bang for the buck, and so we went from one cellblock to another to find just the right contestant! Yep, that's right, today's challenger, fresh from his flight from Denver and a wee bit of surgery, is Atlanta's favorite lawyer and TB outpatient, Mr. Andrew Speaker!

It's hard to wager who will win this epic battle; Paris, already having found god, has him on her side, plus she has for years successfully managed to not be devoured by the wild paparazzi beast; a skill not even "The Hoff" can claim! But she'll no longer play dumb and that's gotta hurt her chances here! Mr. Speaker has avoided being run over by the ambulances he chases, but when it comes to handling the media he resembles a deer caught in the limelight; will he choke, or will he find that spark that drove him to be wed, humans be damned? This is a tough call!

Oh my! In what must be a most shocking turn of events, Miss Hilton has already seduced and strangled Mr. Speaker (with video tape no less!!!) before the opening bell could be rung. Wow!!! Paris certainly has learned fast from her days with Rick Solomon! That one tape will never make it to video! Paris wins! Or did she? While chatting with Barbara Walter post-fight, it finally struck Paris that she may now be infected with TB and will never leave this cell...I guess we all win in that case!

on my radar: babycakes

When did condoms go out of style?

I'm just a wee bit confused these days when you hear about the string of paternity situations that are, pardon the pun, arising. What's going on papa's? Did ya forget how babies are made? Yep, there's the pill to avoid pregnancy, but what about the guys taking some responsibility?

Let's start with Miss Anna Nicole Smith (rest her weary Trimspa soul): just how many guys stepped forward to claim they were the father, like 5 or 6? So for every guy who claimed they were the father, doesn't that pretty much mean they were having unprotected sex? Yuck! That thought might need a few beers to be rinsed from my brain! And not a one of them used a Trojan (even OJ!).

Shar/Britney: if the rumors are true (how much do we trust the National Enquirer?) K-fed is up to baby number 5 (Shar is supposedly preggers again). I don't get what they see in him, but at least zip-lock it! Why is it that the most fertile men are the ones that should be shooting blanks? Think Brit will take him back now that he's gone back to his former girlfriend?

Elijah Duke: a 22-year old baseball player for Tampa Bay, on to baby number 5 with mother number 4! He's going to need to play ball till he's 50 to afford his brood, and yet spending a buck would have been so much cheaper!

And let's not forget Tom Brady. When you're that hot and everybody wants to have your baby- protect yourself, because the others see dollar signs and diapers when they look at you.

So please, if you need to let your little red corvette out for a test run, don't take the wrapping off until you're sure you can afford the payments and the sitters!

Next week: baby skills 101: how to tie your child up properly when you want leave them in the car and eat in peace at the local Cracker Barrel; available on audio, narrated by Alec Baldwin.

Diary pt. 6: REM

I don't care what they say elsewhere, but it sure is hard in here for a pimp! Jail isn't cool!

I've been good to momma, why isn't momma being good to me? Oh yeah, because people are trying to make my family wait to come and see me- how stupid is that? They aren't the people who broke the law, so why shouldn't they receive preferential treatment?

I am not sure if it is the lack of REM sleep, but I found that losing my religion has helped me to find god! Amazing but true, the reason why folks can't locate him is because, just like love, they've been looking in the wrong places; he ain't in church's, mosques and such, he right here in jail! I'm just happy I found him early during my incarceration, thus I could fairly divvy up the work responsibilities between the two of us- I can't save everyone who askes for my help!

Time for my shower!

Diary of Rich White Inmate pt. 5: weekend plans

Are you there God? It's me Paris!

So this was my first weekend in jail:

Eat cereal, cry, eat bread, barely sleep, cry, find religion (pray that my spray-on tan, which I got during my "housebreak", that should only last 7-10 days lasts for a miraculous 45 days), cry, call mom, talk to Barbara Walters (I called her collect- I am so ashamed), cry, sleep some, eat cereal, see sis and Nic, give up trying to tan in my room because the bars cause horrible lines, sleep some, have an epiphany and become a changed woman.

Now what will I do with the next 30 days? Build an ark? Nope, I'm going to give up the "dumb blonde" act...seeing how this Loreal coloring won't make it through my incarceration I might as well turn over a new leaf and become a real role model to young girls who face a life of crime...like Bonnie Parker of Bonnie and Clyde fame!

DWRI:pt.4. I fought the law...

Boo Hoo!!!

I'm going back to jail, to jail, I'm going back to jail...heigh-ho!

This is a travesty of justice! I have been yank around more in the last 24-hours than Rick's penis was during our entire porn video!

Please friends and hired help, if you believe in me, clap your hands! Save me and Tinkerbell! And to all you bitches who wrote to complain about my reassignment, may you stay dirt poor and in Motel 6's! I bet 3 of the emails were from Britney and her kids!

Nicole, if you are reading this, run for the Canadian, Spanish or Mexican border while you can still escape! Okay, that was pretty funny- even in my emotional state....Nicole running ANYWHERE aint gonna happen...drive fast (but don't get caught or drive the wrong way)...I recommend a white Ford Bronco to getaway in!

I'm spent, no more writing for now!

DRWI: pt. 3: Confusion!

Hi Diary:

I am so confused, what swimsuit looks good with a ankle monitor?

3000 feet is sooo much better than 98! I have to see the judge again today- guess someone isn't happy with my early release (I thought only women experienced that disappointment with bad lovers!). I don't get what all the fuss is about- look at George Michael, he's been caught lots and still doesn't have to do jail time! Wouldn't that be cool if we were ruled by England? Then I wouldn't need that ugly passport picture to visit Spain!

Ok, I must get ready for the judge- do i do my hair up or not? make-up or not?

I don't want to go back to prison, it all ready taught me a lot.. maybe I can be on "Dancing with the Stars" and perform the Cellblock Tango!

"DRWI" pt.2- Gender Reassignment

Holy Smokes and Tinkerbell too!

After 5 (new math according to prison peeps) whole days behind bars I'm free!!

It's because of a nasty rash I got 6 days ago (from Seth Rogan) at the MTV Movie Awards, but it only began to show up yesterday- lucky (itchy scrathy) me! Hope I'm not "Knocked Up!" Now I'm gonna surf the net for Martha's tips on removing an ankle bracelet! Maybe I can slip it on Nicole and let her practice for her sentencing! We should really think hard about making a move about us, maybe something like "Dumb and Dumber" or "Legally Blonde" or something like that...that'd be hot!

They say they have reassigned my gender, or something to that nature...I don't know what that means, but since I get to be home, I don't care!

Diary of a rich white inmate pt. 1

I know why the jailbird sings...because it is so boring in here without my Bose speakers and ipod! Now I understand "Chained Heat"...girls could go crazy in a place like this!!

I have been incaptivity for almost 2 days and i can't imagine how a lion lives with this! At least zoo animals get food thrown at them, kinda like what people do to Nicole when she walks by in a bikini...:-)

Prison is so not like even aHilton Garden Inn or Doubletree or Embassy Suite (not like I have stayed at any of them, but I am told), not that we care what other countries embassy's are designed like, unless it's our in Iraq and someone (Lohan I bet) is posting the prints online, right next to pictures of her with knives...and she sucked in "Georgia's Rule".

Wow, too much thinking, I need a nap.

I

on my radar: Paris sings!

The Sweet Escape:

If I could escape,

I would, but first of all let me say

It's very hard to count down 23 days!

My cell smells like sour milk fell on the floor

My thin mattress is giving me bed sores

My blanket does nothing to keep away the cold

If I could escape

And recreate the world as my "Simple Life"

And I could be your favorite wife

Forever, perfectly together

Tell me Nicole, wouldn't that be sweet?

If I could be sweet

I know I've been a real bad girl

I dind't mean for Britney to get hurt

Forever, we can make your hair better

Tell me Brit, now wouldn't that be sweet?

Sweet escape!

I'm in a paper gown

I'm at my lowest paparazzi point

Come help me out

I need to get me out of this joint

Come on, lets flee

Counting on you to get me out

I need to get Tinkerbell out for a pee!

So baby, my lifes been a little crazy,

Drinking and driving got me a little hazy

Now I'm waiting for you to come save me

Why the world so angry?

By the way they treat me

Don't be so mean to me

I didn't fly around with TB!

If I could escape

And sleep in a bed, not a cot

And I could play in a porn movie

Forever, perfectly together

Wouldn't that be so hot?

on my radar: rosie

Just when you thought it was safe to revisit the Rosie-less airwaves...

Did "The View" go off the air? It just seems like there's no news these days without Rosie being splashed (or splattered, according to your "view") somewhere across a headline. At least when she was yapping, I could stay somewhat abreast of the current events and conspiracy theories that were making news. Now I feel so isolated and uninformed; once again I ponder, did "The View" go off the air? Does Elizabeth have anything to spar about these days or is she on maternity leave already? Now, you might scoff at this, but think about it, Rosie had put "The View" back into mainstream media awareness- you were ALWAYS hearing about something, now, less than 2 weeks after her departure, it's as if it never existed at all. It's like mr. Trump waved his magic wand and said, "View be gone", and poof! It was (just like his "Apprentice" and "Ms. Universe" ratings).

What has supplanted real news and Rosie? Crazy-assed baseball managers!! Managers (adult men) who are kicking, screaming, throwing bases and crawling on their bellies all in the line of duty! Could you do this at your work place and get away with it? Not even the ladies of "The View" ever got this bad, once Starr left. Maybe Rosie's next career move should be as a baseball manager- she'd be a perfect fit! Watch out Mr. Torre!

on my radar: decison-making skills

The NBA needs a make-over! The players need to remember proper pine floor etiquette, "thou shalt not fight with each other or the fans", their uniforms could be amended seeing how they currently take up enough material to clothe a small orphanage, and nobody seems to be able to stand behind a decision.

Making "wise decisions" seems to be a skill set of the past. I recall, in my days of yore and pre-Shrek, being taught the value of sound decision-making and the wisdom to keep your trap shut until you are ready to stand behind that choice. Not so much in the NBA. Lately, the skill to "thinking before you speak" seems to be a talent regulated to 4th tier status, right next to David Hasselhoff's acting abilities.

Kobe Bryant boldly states he's, "leaving the Laker's and there's nothing anyone can do about it", and yet a day later he's backing away from that statement and saying how he wants to remain a Laker till he retires. What's up with the change of heart? All he accomplished was to whine in public and then renege on his statement. Shouldn't he have just kept his mouth shut till he talked to the owners before making these statements? And now Billy Donovan announces his leaving of Florida to coach the Orlando Magic, and then has second thoughts. Again, why not think it through before opening your mouth? Is that asking so much? Or is it just something about being associated with the NBA that makes one wishy-washy? Heck, how many times did MJ retire? Or Barkley or Rodman threaten un-retiring?

In a sport that could use some good press as much as Paris Hilton could, can't someone stand behind a decision they make? Is that asking too much? Heck, at least Paris is following through. How many of us could get away with the reckless statements and actions that the NBA people continue to make and keep the jobs we diss?

Damn! I need to start working on my 3-point shot!

on my radar: TB or not TB?

Calling Marcus Welby! Come in Marcus Welby!

I have a feeling airfares might start to drop as the incredible story of "TB-Andrew" (a modern day Typhoid Mary if you will) continues to be played out in the media. All those references to the flights he took, and the diseases he might have spread on them, might have some folks rethinking their next travel plans if it calls for reserving a seat to go into the friendly skies!

Is there any irony in the fact that the gentleman who dashed across country borders and broke international laws to then sneak back to the USA is a lawyer (insert immigration and border control issues here)? Wait, take it one more step, Andrew Speaker is a personal injury lawyer! Imagine the lawsuits he might face for his conduct- hope he knows a good lawyer, or was he trying to create new business? Oh wait, even more, his father-in-law is a CDC'er who works on TB! And warned him of the health dangers! Don't call me Nancy Drew, but anyone think old pops may not have been fond of his daughter marrying a personal-injury lawyer? I'm just saying...

True, Andrew Speaker did travel for love, but is it really love when you are risking the health of others, better yet your to-be spouse's? I know there's that (rarely adhered to) line in most wedding vows that says "til death do we part," but I guess they may have rewritten that to say, " 'til TB do we part."

Of course, how this is being handled make me think, "wow, the gov't has come so far since FEMA and Katrina, NOT!" Since there's been suspicion about his health since early this year, why is the CDC only interested in people he flew with in May? What about all the folks he has been around since they first think he was ill? What about Atlanta? Riddle me that Joker!

Maybe Atlanta will have to be burnt again! Oh wait, we already have that (wild)fire going on!

on my radar: trauma (rhymes with drama!)

How do you solve a problem like trauma? How do you select a definition and pin it down? Trauma has jumped into the headlines, escorted no less by Miss Hilton, who appears to be suffering so severely from the “trauma” of her sentencing that she is incapable of testifying in further court proceedings. I say hogwash! Trauma was watching her in ‘The Simple Life”.

Now a sibling of mine is going through “first child trauma”, seems his impending daughter is putting him through racks of angst. Relax…mom had 10 of us, and look how well we all turned out! Trauma will be being a parent to a teenager!

Jerry Falwell’s death is causing him lots of trauma; I’m sure where he landed ain’t the “heavenly” place he expected, and the plates are mighty hot! But hey, you create trauma for others in one world, you dance through the fire of it in another! I wonder if somewhere in this world Tinky-winky is throwing his purse, ala "Mar Tyler Moore style" in celebration?

Real trauma is finding yourself thrown in jail and having to explain to the other inmates that the reason why you are there is not because of causing murder or mayhem, but for being caught stealing a truck full of Skittles! Skittles! Those tasty little bursts of tropical, extreme, or sour fruit-flavored candies! “Skitty little skittles are fun to chew, some for me and some for you!” Trust and believe, the trauma he’s going to get from “chasing (stealing) the rainbow” ain’t going to be pretty! I believe this thief is already trying to hatch a plan to get out of jail, code named, “the sweet escape”.

on my radar: coup de tat

Queen Elizabeth visits the US and decides to reclaim it for England!

After enjoying a week “across the pond”, Queen Elizabeth has requested that her out-going Prime Minister, Tony Blair, draft up a resolution to reclaim the US as a sovereign nation beholden to the Queen and England. “I had forgotten how lovely the people and places are, there in America”, she was overheard saying. Initially amazed by the stupidity (and his suggestion that she was here in 1776) of President Bush, she felt that the nicest thing that she could offer the average American citizen was a reprieve from his reign, and thus a non-militant coup plan was hatched. Seeing how the British have more troops at home, and at her disposal, the strategy seems brilliant. The state of Kansas is backing the queen’s claim. “It would be a relief to have some sort of military assistance to help with the clean-up of these twisters, and since our soldiers are in Iraq, why not bring in the British,” Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius said, “we need help here at home!”

The loss of the “British Crown Jewels (as the Beckham’s are being called these days)” also seems to be influencing the queen’s move, but she really couldn’t care less about Elton John or Fergie (the “real” duchess). “I love that crazy tattooed "playa" , and David , too,” the queen exclaimed! “I don’t want to lose Posh, or diminish any chances of a Spice Girl reunion by them moving abroad!”

Beyotch!

Man, sometimes life can be so cruel:

You could be born into the world of wealth and addicts if you are an Osbourne, Baldwin, Hasselhoff, Bush, etc...or, just plain poor to a crack-addled parent...I'm not quite sure which one is worse, but I'd rather not have my dad screaming at me about my cellphone or being video-taped drunk as Cooter Brown; I guess broke kids don't have to worry about all that, since they don't have that fancy equipment lying around the house, in harms way of an angry/drunk pappa.

Or, your doctor, like one in Britain, might be having an "off" bad day and misdiagnoses you with terminal cancer, thus leading you to quit your job and live out your days in luxury, spending your life savings on hotels, restaurants and holidays. Now that your money is gone, the hospital realizes you aren't dying, it was just pancreatitis. Yeah you're not dead, but crap I'm flat broke!

And yet another cruel twist o'fate from this thing called "life". Migraine sufferers are less likely to suffer memory loss later in life than those who don't get them. Well isn't that special! Not only do you **get** to endure migraines, but you don't get to forget about them! Ain't that grand!





Man, if there's a grand scheme for life, I'd certainly like to know where migraines, Hasselhoff, and hangnails fit in!





File under "annoyances w/no explanation!"

on my radar: whacked

Maybe you missed the headline, "couple robs mob and gets whacked"?

Perchance you read right past it (presuming people still read isn't rude is it- that would suck for this email if they don't), enticed by the salacious allure of the "did he cheat on Rachel Ray" query that's been tossed at her hubby, or that Mizz Hilton stands to do 45 days of penance for something most folks get off with a slight tap on the wrist, or reduced sentencing, to like a few hours (please your honor, when celebs are used to teach a lesson, no one takes notes!)?

Well, if ya missed it, during a trial here in the USA, a Gambino Mafia insider admitted to this "whacking" of the couple 17 years ago. Seems these New York citizens weren't the brightest bulbs to heist a joint; heck, the "Barbie Bandits" look downright like a diaper-wearing NASA rocket scientist compared to this couple! Under utilizing any sense of survival, these two people unwise(guy)ly robbed businesses (in Little Italy no less!!) that were chummy with the Mob- talk about choosing the wrong ("Titanic") ocean liner to cross the Atlantic in! Couldn't they knock-up a restaurant uptown? After a few embarrassing robberies, the mob had had enough and snuffed the folks one afternoon while they were driving through Queens.

If there is an upside to this, maybe it's the whole "Social Darwin" aspect of the case; the couple so stupid to rob from the mafia didn't have the chance to procreate and leave any kids behind, thus hopefully extinguishing that species; least they survived and had kids, its quite possible they could have "matured" to be Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger or Mommy and Daddy Lohan, or Federline...

Hhmmmm.....

on my radar: boredom!

And I looked, and behold: a dull gray horse emerged; after Death itself had strode out across the land, upon it's chloros-colored horse, none other were to appear, and yet, behold, there it was, a fifth horse arose; it was Boredom, and Nicolas Cage followed with him.

Why does he continue to have a movie career? Mr. Chronically Crappy Actor! Who did he sell his soul to (Ghost Rider or uncle Coppala) to guarantee a movie deal of at least one new movie a year? Couldn't that person be from Bollywood or somewhere else foreign so that we didn't have to have his movies play inside the USA??? You want a new punishment that will scare felons straight? make them watch a Nic Cage movie festival...that' would kill most of them mid-way through "Vampire's Kiss".

For a career that should have been gone in sixty seconds, he's managed to not act through over three dozen movies! I'd count them out for ya, but I fall to sleep just thinking about "Guarding Tess" and "Captain Corelli's Mandolin". When it comes to his acting chops, most of his talent resides in his sideburns; I have seen a better range of emoting displayed by Joan Rivers after she walked out of her plastic surgeons office!

Sure there might be one or two flukes of actual acting, but for every "Raising Arizona", there's "Windtalkers", "Wickerman", or "Next" to counterbalance it! Even handicapped children can hit a whiffle ball on a tee once in awhile...(I feel so bad slighting them in a comparison to Mr. Cage...sorry!).