**hum along to "golddigger"**
They’ll break your heart when you’re in need
Yea they’re trifflin’ damsels indeed
Oh they are gold digga’s all over Disney
That digs on we
Now I ain’t saying Disney fronts for gold diggers
But they aint earning their keep workin’ with sharp scissors
Now I aint saying Disney pimps out gold diggers
But they aint earning their keep working with scissors
Get down girl go head get down
Get down girl go head get down
Get down girl go head get down
Snow White the vixen
Met her wandering along
Carrying her heart in Louis Vuitton
Up under her arm
She asked the dwarves for a rock
She used her charms
End up in bed with Doc
I could tell by her charms and white arms
There was evil lurking but she was the one
The bad witch trying to see her
The mirror told me she was white like blow
Flaky like snow, banished from the castle she gots to go
Trouble followed where she go
7 dwarves just had to know
They shut the door and told her NO!
Now I aint saying Disney endorses a gold digger
But she ain’t working with no broke scissors
Now I ain’t saying Disney supports a gold digger
But she ain’t cleaning the place for visitors
Get down girl go head get down
Get down girl go head get down
Get down girl go head get down
18 years, 18 years
Sleeping Beauty slept for over 18 years!
Another evil witch come and try to steal a king’s kid
This bitch Maleficent took what was his
You could see her on any given Sunday
Sleeping away Tuesdays thru Mondays
A prince was to come and wake her with a kiss
But the charming prince wasn’t down with this
Brokeback Mountain is where he missed
But Disney won’t discuss stuff like this
So Shrek filled in and blew a fat kiss
Now Sleeping Beauty is married bliss
If he aint no punk Shrek sez he wants Prenup!
Shrek wants prenup!
It something you need to have
Cause Princess Aurora might not give him half
She slept for over 18 years
And when she awoke all the castle was hers!
Get down girl go head get down
Get down girl go head get down
Get down girl go head get down
Cinderella it’s been said was a gold digger with needs
Stuck cleaning pots, not paid enough for a weave
She can’t eat out, just smokes weed
She snuck out one, met a prince, then he leaves
But while she’s washin’ the princes catches a clue
Comes to wondering does her foot fit the shoe?
He sees that sparkle, that look in her eyes
This gold digger found her next prize
Damn that shoe! it’s the right size
For the rest of his years he works with burger and fries
But he stays right girl
But shoulda left her for a nice girl!
Get down girl go head get down
Get down girl go head get down
Get down girl go head get down
Monday, January 23, 2006
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Tuesday's Stumbling out of 2005
With 2006 kicking into gear, I thought it might be nice to take a look back at several of the top stories that captured print and news space in 2005 (whether or not they earned it)
Avian bird flu: The Avian bird flu appears to have reached the USA in 2005, it’s just most people have failed to diagnosis it correctly. The flu struck the NFL this year. In the waning days of the 2005 season, all but one bird team stumbled through 16 weeks of the professional football season and ended up with even or losing records; talk about lame ducks! The bright spot…Seattle Seahawks!
Tsunami’s: Giant waves of protest crashed ashore near Crawford, Texas this year. Growing unrest and doubt with the war in Iraq lead mothers and protesters to squat at the Bush family compound- if only they could have kept him there!
Mother Nature: Like her or not, we are stuck with her! If the religious right is to be believed, and what happened to New Orleans (never mind all the other people and places impacted) is payback for the decadent lifestyle embraced in the Crescent City; I would hate to see what mamma has in store for Vegas!
Michael Jackson: If a jury of someone’s peers can’t convict him and throw him in jail, then we got the next best thing…after his trial he moved out of the country! A bunch of nitwit jurors claimed that they knew he was guilty; they just chose to declare him innocent! Of course, what good would it do for their proposed book deals if he didn’t walk?
Steroids in Sports: the juice is loose and is coursing through the veins of an athlete near you! Those who deny it the loudest are simply suffering from “’roid rage”! What the world needs now is more Bode Millers to tell it straight!
Stuucks: “Bennifers”, “TomKats”, “Brangelina’s”, and my favorite, “Nicka” ( this almost caught the essence of Nick and Jessica…in the way of nincompoops!) Whoever started the contracted names of dating Hollywood folks needs to stop! I have just two words for the person who started this trend “stuuck”.
Avian bird flu: The Avian bird flu appears to have reached the USA in 2005, it’s just most people have failed to diagnosis it correctly. The flu struck the NFL this year. In the waning days of the 2005 season, all but one bird team stumbled through 16 weeks of the professional football season and ended up with even or losing records; talk about lame ducks! The bright spot…Seattle Seahawks!
Tsunami’s: Giant waves of protest crashed ashore near Crawford, Texas this year. Growing unrest and doubt with the war in Iraq lead mothers and protesters to squat at the Bush family compound- if only they could have kept him there!
Mother Nature: Like her or not, we are stuck with her! If the religious right is to be believed, and what happened to New Orleans (never mind all the other people and places impacted) is payback for the decadent lifestyle embraced in the Crescent City; I would hate to see what mamma has in store for Vegas!
Michael Jackson: If a jury of someone’s peers can’t convict him and throw him in jail, then we got the next best thing…after his trial he moved out of the country! A bunch of nitwit jurors claimed that they knew he was guilty; they just chose to declare him innocent! Of course, what good would it do for their proposed book deals if he didn’t walk?
Steroids in Sports: the juice is loose and is coursing through the veins of an athlete near you! Those who deny it the loudest are simply suffering from “’roid rage”! What the world needs now is more Bode Millers to tell it straight!
Stuucks: “Bennifers”, “TomKats”, “Brangelina’s”, and my favorite, “Nicka” ( this almost caught the essence of Nick and Jessica…in the way of nincompoops!) Whoever started the contracted names of dating Hollywood folks needs to stop! I have just two words for the person who started this trend “stuuck”.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Tuesday's with the Almighty
Apparently God is listening in!
After centuries of questioning if God really exists, God has chosen now as the time to reveal that not only does he exist, but in fact he is a “LOST” and “Desperate Housewives” fan!
Beginning with the tsunami of last year, and the horrible ravages of Mother Nature this year, many believers foretold the second coming of Jesus, but with all this commotion about “Christmas” versus “holiday”, George W. using his name for political gains, and religious groups shutting down churches on Christmas Sunday, Jesus has asked his father to step in.
God was not very forthcoming about any prior, existing, or scheduled disasters, but he was willing to not only prove his existence but to also show his hipness to American radio when he flexed his powers and afflicted Ashlee Simpson and Bo Brice with maladies that have now kept them from being able to perform at the Radio Music Awards. Instead, one of his favorite bands, the Goo-Goo Dolls, will now be performing.
When asked about his musical preferences and befalling the two performers with illnesses, God said, “(regarding Bo Brice) what did I say about worshiping false idols?” As for Ashlee Simpson, “Heck, anyone can tell crap when they hear it!”
After centuries of questioning if God really exists, God has chosen now as the time to reveal that not only does he exist, but in fact he is a “LOST” and “Desperate Housewives” fan!
Beginning with the tsunami of last year, and the horrible ravages of Mother Nature this year, many believers foretold the second coming of Jesus, but with all this commotion about “Christmas” versus “holiday”, George W. using his name for political gains, and religious groups shutting down churches on Christmas Sunday, Jesus has asked his father to step in.
God was not very forthcoming about any prior, existing, or scheduled disasters, but he was willing to not only prove his existence but to also show his hipness to American radio when he flexed his powers and afflicted Ashlee Simpson and Bo Brice with maladies that have now kept them from being able to perform at the Radio Music Awards. Instead, one of his favorite bands, the Goo-Goo Dolls, will now be performing.
When asked about his musical preferences and befalling the two performers with illnesses, God said, “(regarding Bo Brice) what did I say about worshiping false idols?” As for Ashlee Simpson, “Heck, anyone can tell crap when they hear it!”
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Tuesday's Shocking Break-Up!
Say it ain’t so! I feel so violated and naïve! Who ever would have thought that they weren’t going to make it!
Yes, it is true, after only a short month-long engagement, Talan and Kimberly Stewart have called off their wedding. I’m finding this hard to accept! I just won’t be able to watch Laguna Beach anymore!
Something else you might not have missed:
Jessica Simpson announced nothing newsworthy today- thus bringing her streak of non-newsworthy press conferences to a rousing 63 for the year; barely out distancing Michael Jackson and President Bush. Jessica did want to remind everyone that Thanksgiving is traditionally celebrated in her household whenever she, her sister, or her husband don’t make the cover of a gossip or weekly tabloid magazine. After her “non-announcement” she seemed to think there was something else she was supposed to tell the press, but apparently couldn’t remember what it was. When “egged on” by the press about her relationship with Nick Lachey, she simply said that the two of them were still happily married and looking forward to celebrating the holidays apart, again. One reporter then queried the “blonde” singer about her own press report announcing the split between her and Nick. Jessica replied that she doesn’t read what people write about her, nor does she believe her own press.
If those two had not parted ways, then my hunch is that the following, “ripped from the headlines” story, might have been about Nick…”man beat family to death on Thanksgiving”.
Yes, it is true, after only a short month-long engagement, Talan and Kimberly Stewart have called off their wedding. I’m finding this hard to accept! I just won’t be able to watch Laguna Beach anymore!
Something else you might not have missed:
Jessica Simpson announced nothing newsworthy today- thus bringing her streak of non-newsworthy press conferences to a rousing 63 for the year; barely out distancing Michael Jackson and President Bush. Jessica did want to remind everyone that Thanksgiving is traditionally celebrated in her household whenever she, her sister, or her husband don’t make the cover of a gossip or weekly tabloid magazine. After her “non-announcement” she seemed to think there was something else she was supposed to tell the press, but apparently couldn’t remember what it was. When “egged on” by the press about her relationship with Nick Lachey, she simply said that the two of them were still happily married and looking forward to celebrating the holidays apart, again. One reporter then queried the “blonde” singer about her own press report announcing the split between her and Nick. Jessica replied that she doesn’t read what people write about her, nor does she believe her own press.
If those two had not parted ways, then my hunch is that the following, “ripped from the headlines” story, might have been about Nick…”man beat family to death on Thanksgiving”.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Tuesday's with Mike in Kitchen
Mike Tyson has finally retired from boxing, again.
Following in the footsteps of George Foreman, Mike Tyson is venturing off into a new career opportunity in the kitchen. Mike Tyson will be hosting a cooking program! Just when NBC cancels Martha Stewart and her television show, “The Apprentice”, another rogue with run-ins with the law steps up to take her place. No longer will you have to read about him pushing away those unruly camera men, unless they get too close during his crème brulee segments!
Some of the recipes intended to be highlighted on his show come from his mother, his sister, the guy that was two cellblocks down while Mike did time in prison, and a few inspired by his career in boxing. Given his propensity for cannibalism, it is expected that Mike will debut a tasty hors d’ oeuvres recipe made entirely from bits from Evander Holyfield’s ear; dipped in a spicy guacamole sauce, who could resist? Also expect to see the secret ingredients to his “Hansel and Gretel” soup. Plucked fresh from the arms of Lennox Lewis (no easy task to do!) you simply drop Lennox’s children into the same vat of hot water that Mike usually found himself in. After coming to a nice rolling boil- like Mike did so often in his career as a fighter, you set the dish aside to chill, for about 3 years, at your local prison. Serve with a dollop of sour cream…ooh la la! What Robin Givens wouldn’t give for a bowl of this!
Again, like Mr. Foreman, Mike Tyson also plans to launch an appliance to help get some of you most difficult work done easily; he’s calling it: “Mike Tyson’s 12 pack ice cube tray”. Because honesty, that’s about the only recipe he can ever get right, as long as it is 12 cubes or less…
Following in the footsteps of George Foreman, Mike Tyson is venturing off into a new career opportunity in the kitchen. Mike Tyson will be hosting a cooking program! Just when NBC cancels Martha Stewart and her television show, “The Apprentice”, another rogue with run-ins with the law steps up to take her place. No longer will you have to read about him pushing away those unruly camera men, unless they get too close during his crème brulee segments!
Some of the recipes intended to be highlighted on his show come from his mother, his sister, the guy that was two cellblocks down while Mike did time in prison, and a few inspired by his career in boxing. Given his propensity for cannibalism, it is expected that Mike will debut a tasty hors d’ oeuvres recipe made entirely from bits from Evander Holyfield’s ear; dipped in a spicy guacamole sauce, who could resist? Also expect to see the secret ingredients to his “Hansel and Gretel” soup. Plucked fresh from the arms of Lennox Lewis (no easy task to do!) you simply drop Lennox’s children into the same vat of hot water that Mike usually found himself in. After coming to a nice rolling boil- like Mike did so often in his career as a fighter, you set the dish aside to chill, for about 3 years, at your local prison. Serve with a dollop of sour cream…ooh la la! What Robin Givens wouldn’t give for a bowl of this!
Again, like Mr. Foreman, Mike Tyson also plans to launch an appliance to help get some of you most difficult work done easily; he’s calling it: “Mike Tyson’s 12 pack ice cube tray”. Because honesty, that’s about the only recipe he can ever get right, as long as it is 12 cubes or less…
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Tuesday's Love Letter
The Washington Post has issued a retraction today regarding a story they broke last week.
Last Thursday news broke that purported that access to emails, that the former FEMA chief Michael Brown (“Brownie” if you’re the President) wrote to other FEMA employees during the midst of Hurricane Katrina, had been obtained by a congressional investigative committee. These emails contained statements like, “Can I quit now?”, “can I come home now?” and “I’m trapped, please rescue me”. Quite damaging when you realize how flippant and aloof these comments were in such a time of crisis…but now, under further investigation, the Washington Post believes that Michael Brown does not appear to be the person who actually wrote these emails; it appears these comments were actually attributable to either Harriett Miers or the President himself.
In other news, it appears that George W. Bush, recognizing a lame duck president when he looks in the mirror, will nominate himself for the post of Supreme Court Justice. He was heard saying to Dick Cheney, “heck, if a couple of girls can do it, why can’t me?”
And finally, ultra-conservatives have adopted a new motto that espouses their commitment to Jesus and politics. “Love The Man, not His word” .
Last Thursday news broke that purported that access to emails, that the former FEMA chief Michael Brown (“Brownie” if you’re the President) wrote to other FEMA employees during the midst of Hurricane Katrina, had been obtained by a congressional investigative committee. These emails contained statements like, “Can I quit now?”, “can I come home now?” and “I’m trapped, please rescue me”. Quite damaging when you realize how flippant and aloof these comments were in such a time of crisis…but now, under further investigation, the Washington Post believes that Michael Brown does not appear to be the person who actually wrote these emails; it appears these comments were actually attributable to either Harriett Miers or the President himself.
In other news, it appears that George W. Bush, recognizing a lame duck president when he looks in the mirror, will nominate himself for the post of Supreme Court Justice. He was heard saying to Dick Cheney, “heck, if a couple of girls can do it, why can’t me?”
And finally, ultra-conservatives have adopted a new motto that espouses their commitment to Jesus and politics. “Love The Man, not His word” .
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Tuesday's Family Secrets
Janet Jackson announced today that she couldn’t remember if she had a daughter or not.
“I’m not sure why theses stories are coming to light right now, I have no new album to promote or perfume to market”, she quipped to a local reporter.
Janet’s ex-husband’s brother ignited the flames of this story by claiming that Rebbie Jackson is raising Janet’s 18-year old daughter. All this really goes to show you is if you can’t sing in the Jackson family, you’re gonna get stuck with the kids! Census workers have been brought in to count heads in the Jackson household, but fear they won’t be able to get an accurate number because they can’t keep track of all the kids in Neverland Ranch; are they family or dates? Speculation is growing that President Bush, in order to shore up the waning support of his presidency, will name a special prosecutor to oversee the investigation. “The question of whether or not Ms. Jackson (when she is nasty) has a child appears to be of more public interest than anything I have been doing lately”, Bush was quoted as saying. With nothing to do, and 3 more years to do it in, it is widely believed that Mr. Bush himself will lead the investigation.
“I’m not sure why theses stories are coming to light right now, I have no new album to promote or perfume to market”, she quipped to a local reporter.
Janet’s ex-husband’s brother ignited the flames of this story by claiming that Rebbie Jackson is raising Janet’s 18-year old daughter. All this really goes to show you is if you can’t sing in the Jackson family, you’re gonna get stuck with the kids! Census workers have been brought in to count heads in the Jackson household, but fear they won’t be able to get an accurate number because they can’t keep track of all the kids in Neverland Ranch; are they family or dates? Speculation is growing that President Bush, in order to shore up the waning support of his presidency, will name a special prosecutor to oversee the investigation. “The question of whether or not Ms. Jackson (when she is nasty) has a child appears to be of more public interest than anything I have been doing lately”, Bush was quoted as saying. With nothing to do, and 3 more years to do it in, it is widely believed that Mr. Bush himself will lead the investigation.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Tuesday's with Harriet Miers
“Harriet Miers chose Coke over Pepsi (and marijuana when she partied late into the night with George W.) when she took the Pepsi Challenge in 1978!”
More shocking revelations have come from the Senate floor where Harriet Miers has been making her rounds and getting down to win votes!
Looking quite hung over, Ms. Miers met the press this morning, discreetly trying to hide BC Powder and Gatorade, two staples from the Dean Martin Emergency Survival Kit!, in her oversized Cheryl Ladd designed purse. “I don’t know how the hell Ruth or Sandra did this”, she was quoted as saying between dry heaves. “I grew up partying with W. and thought this would be easy; no one said anything about having to do shots with Edward Kennedy!” she bemoaned.
Ms. Miers, seen wearing a “jail Delay” t-shirt bought online at moveon.org, has been repeatedly grilled by the Senators about her stance on key court issues, and, having not sufficiently answered their questions, has brought increased scrutiny onto her past. Other tidbits that have been uncovered: she believed in the tooth fairy until seven, was twice sent to the principles office for daydreaming during home ec. classes, never really got the hang of latch-hook rugs, and she was turned away from the debutante society because she dressed too much like June Cleaver when Jackie O was all the rage. What still remains a mystery is her position on many controversial issues such as: boxers or briefs at sleep-overs, did Clinton inhale, what the REAL meaning of Christmas is, and where exactly in the world is Waldo? Senator Orrin Hatch said that, “until she is more forthright in her answers about theses and other critical questions, we will only approve of her for an ambassadorship position in Sudan or the UN”.
More shocking revelations have come from the Senate floor where Harriet Miers has been making her rounds and getting down to win votes!
Looking quite hung over, Ms. Miers met the press this morning, discreetly trying to hide BC Powder and Gatorade, two staples from the Dean Martin Emergency Survival Kit!, in her oversized Cheryl Ladd designed purse. “I don’t know how the hell Ruth or Sandra did this”, she was quoted as saying between dry heaves. “I grew up partying with W. and thought this would be easy; no one said anything about having to do shots with Edward Kennedy!” she bemoaned.
Ms. Miers, seen wearing a “jail Delay” t-shirt bought online at moveon.org, has been repeatedly grilled by the Senators about her stance on key court issues, and, having not sufficiently answered their questions, has brought increased scrutiny onto her past. Other tidbits that have been uncovered: she believed in the tooth fairy until seven, was twice sent to the principles office for daydreaming during home ec. classes, never really got the hang of latch-hook rugs, and she was turned away from the debutante society because she dressed too much like June Cleaver when Jackie O was all the rage. What still remains a mystery is her position on many controversial issues such as: boxers or briefs at sleep-overs, did Clinton inhale, what the REAL meaning of Christmas is, and where exactly in the world is Waldo? Senator Orrin Hatch said that, “until she is more forthright in her answers about theses and other critical questions, we will only approve of her for an ambassadorship position in Sudan or the UN”.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Tuesday's Intelligent Design Trial
Once again the debate rages…
From the dirty South to the dust bowls of Oklahoma to the ash covered islands in the Pacific.
The question that just won’t die! Not even Jesus was resurrected this many times!
The fiery feud that has torn house holds apart (the REAL reason Jennifer and Brad split!!!) and has put high school history text book editors on edge…
The war that continues to divide a nation now FINALLY seems ready to be heard by the Supreme Court (of Merry Maids)…
Which vacuum works better: Bissell or Dyson? One is designed with your needs in mind, while the other one, heavily marketed by a very pompous man (James Dyson), claims you need to know 4 things before you can even buy a vacuum cleaner. Which would you buy? You already know you have a nasty house to clean, so are you going to get the one that knows you have a house full of dirt, dust, and sordid secrets (those carpet stains don’t come up so easily), or the one which took 12 years to design and now says “YOU”, the consumer, need to have more knowledge before you can by a vacuum? Go with the Bissell! Mr. Dyson ought to be selling cars or high-end jewelry! At least with a Bissell you can get the job done; Dyson’s commercials will put you to sleep prior to completing your chores!
I say back the Bissell! And then pass your dutchie on the left hand side…
From the dirty South to the dust bowls of Oklahoma to the ash covered islands in the Pacific.
The question that just won’t die! Not even Jesus was resurrected this many times!
The fiery feud that has torn house holds apart (the REAL reason Jennifer and Brad split!!!) and has put high school history text book editors on edge…
The war that continues to divide a nation now FINALLY seems ready to be heard by the Supreme Court (of Merry Maids)…
Which vacuum works better: Bissell or Dyson? One is designed with your needs in mind, while the other one, heavily marketed by a very pompous man (James Dyson), claims you need to know 4 things before you can even buy a vacuum cleaner. Which would you buy? You already know you have a nasty house to clean, so are you going to get the one that knows you have a house full of dirt, dust, and sordid secrets (those carpet stains don’t come up so easily), or the one which took 12 years to design and now says “YOU”, the consumer, need to have more knowledge before you can by a vacuum? Go with the Bissell! Mr. Dyson ought to be selling cars or high-end jewelry! At least with a Bissell you can get the job done; Dyson’s commercials will put you to sleep prior to completing your chores!
I say back the Bissell! And then pass your dutchie on the left hand side…
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Tuesday's Virus Alert
The often unexplainable and usually erratic antics of Charlie Sheen have finally been diagnosed. The CDC confirmed today that Charlie Sheen has indeed contracted a computer-virus. The research, lead by Doctors Norton and MacAfee, came back conclusively after Mr. Sheen continuously failed to respond to commands and was finally unlocked when “CTL + ALT +DEL” was typed into his DNA. Doctors have been worrying for quite sometime about the communicability of these highly destructive keyboard transferable diseases. Regarding Mr. Sheen, medics paint a worst-case scenario with Mr. Sheen actually surviving this virus and going on to produce several more seasons of “Two and a Half Men” and 2 more children (not from Denise Richards). Now the medical world is trying to learn just when and where Mr. Sheen first contracted the virus. Early investigations have focused on late night visits to on-line porn sites and Heidi Fleiss. Despite her horrible acting skills and poor selection in husbands, doctors do not believe Mr. Sheen has passed the virus onto Ms. Richards. Doctors have simply diagnosed her as “a bad actress and being stupid”.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Tuesday's with William Bennett
William Bennett, riding his controversial statement around reducing crime by aborting all black babies to new popularity heights, was fed to the lions today during a civil rights rally at the New York Zoo. No one could really ascertain if any crime had been committed or if in fact it was done by anyone black. It was believed that his last words, (possibly a quote from Adolf Hitler???), were, "I don't think people have the right to be angry, if they look at the whole thing. But if they get a selective part of my comment, I can see why they would be angry. If somebody thought I was advocating that, they ought to be angry. I would be angry." Ah, it all makes sense now. If only Mr. Bennett could have made that statement with Kanye West present. Several old-school Roman’s in the crowd remarked how nice it was to get back to the good old days like when Jesus was still around”.
It was not yet clear if President Bush realized the finality of Mr. Bennett’s death, seeing how he had mentioned that Bennett might be a possible Supreme Court Judge nominee.
“Billy has done quite a job of cleaning up crime in America, much like the job Mr. Brown did for FEMA before he quit”, the President was quoted as saying at a puppy pound opening in Ohio. “I’d like to see him on the high court overturning affirmative action laws!”, George W. giggled to the group of 10 year old kids who had gathered for the pet store opening.
The president went on to say (under his breath so that Laura couldn’t hear him) that, “although Sandra Day O’Connor was a hot chick in that black robe, she didn’t seem too really like dressing up for work, I’ll bet she’ll be happier at home barefoot and in the kitchen.”
It was not yet clear if President Bush realized the finality of Mr. Bennett’s death, seeing how he had mentioned that Bennett might be a possible Supreme Court Judge nominee.
“Billy has done quite a job of cleaning up crime in America, much like the job Mr. Brown did for FEMA before he quit”, the President was quoted as saying at a puppy pound opening in Ohio. “I’d like to see him on the high court overturning affirmative action laws!”, George W. giggled to the group of 10 year old kids who had gathered for the pet store opening.
The president went on to say (under his breath so that Laura couldn’t hear him) that, “although Sandra Day O’Connor was a hot chick in that black robe, she didn’t seem too really like dressing up for work, I’ll bet she’ll be happier at home barefoot and in the kitchen.”
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Tuesday's with Kate Moss
“Get higher baby, and don’t ever come down”
Kate Moss gives supermodels around the world reason to just keep their mouth’s shut! Ok, if you have happened to watch Tyra’s new talk show (I was wide awake at midnight...but not for long!), you’ll know there are at least 2 reasons. Note to Katie “unemployed drug-user” Moss: telling the truth just doesn’t pay! Oh sure, what she admitted to doing is illegal, but hey, these days, who is really getting stuck on the formalities of laws, rules and other bothersome things that need only apply to the common people (and Tara Reid, just because!). You know I wonder, them ladies being “Super” models and all, (as opposed to, say, “average” or “okay” models) I wonder if there is like this Lancome or MAC counter set aside for “SuperModels” in every major shopping mall…kinda like the Justice League of America was there for super-heroes to sit around and B.S. when they weren’t saving the world…only for these “highly gifted” and “special breed” of models the make-up counters would allow them to DISCRETELY powder their noses, inside or outside, smoke cigarettes and drink coffee with out having to go find a stall or something, or ever having to mingle with the perfume samples people.
Oops, back to my point. Kate, just lie like a government official or Martha Stewart! Who cares what the true is? Who ever said the truth shall set you free was a damn good liar! Look at OJ- it wasn’t the truth that set him free (stupid gloves)! And, why ya doing that stuff anyhow? You’re already thin enough to pass as the Corpse Bride- just a little less animated.
One last thing…Riddle me this Ms. Moss: if you’re gonna break the damn law doing them white lines (don’t do it!) why would you ever let someone take a picture of the said illegal act on their cell phone camera? In the words of the Black Eyed Peas, “no no no no baby, no no no no”. Some what of a poetic justice, eh, that a picture ruins a model’s career? Appears that will be the last photo op you get! Pity, if it was a fancy key you were using maybe the car dealer would hire you…or Bic pens.
And when Naomi speaks, this is what she says…”Kate Moss is my friend ... I think it's like everybody is being bad to her," the 35-year-old supermodel told a news conference Sunday. Models should not let models speak. Period (see my opening sentence)." Everyone being bad? Who? The agency who made her wealthy? Her parents for having her? The dealer who fed her habit? Or, could it be Kate that was bad and needs to learn a little lesson called “a-c-c-o-u-n-t-a-b-i-l-i-t-y”?
Kate Moss gives supermodels around the world reason to just keep their mouth’s shut! Ok, if you have happened to watch Tyra’s new talk show (I was wide awake at midnight...but not for long!), you’ll know there are at least 2 reasons. Note to Katie “unemployed drug-user” Moss: telling the truth just doesn’t pay! Oh sure, what she admitted to doing is illegal, but hey, these days, who is really getting stuck on the formalities of laws, rules and other bothersome things that need only apply to the common people (and Tara Reid, just because!). You know I wonder, them ladies being “Super” models and all, (as opposed to, say, “average” or “okay” models) I wonder if there is like this Lancome or MAC counter set aside for “SuperModels” in every major shopping mall…kinda like the Justice League of America was there for super-heroes to sit around and B.S. when they weren’t saving the world…only for these “highly gifted” and “special breed” of models the make-up counters would allow them to DISCRETELY powder their noses, inside or outside, smoke cigarettes and drink coffee with out having to go find a stall or something, or ever having to mingle with the perfume samples people.
Oops, back to my point. Kate, just lie like a government official or Martha Stewart! Who cares what the true is? Who ever said the truth shall set you free was a damn good liar! Look at OJ- it wasn’t the truth that set him free (stupid gloves)! And, why ya doing that stuff anyhow? You’re already thin enough to pass as the Corpse Bride- just a little less animated.
One last thing…Riddle me this Ms. Moss: if you’re gonna break the damn law doing them white lines (don’t do it!) why would you ever let someone take a picture of the said illegal act on their cell phone camera? In the words of the Black Eyed Peas, “no no no no baby, no no no no”. Some what of a poetic justice, eh, that a picture ruins a model’s career? Appears that will be the last photo op you get! Pity, if it was a fancy key you were using maybe the car dealer would hire you…or Bic pens.
And when Naomi speaks, this is what she says…”Kate Moss is my friend ... I think it's like everybody is being bad to her," the 35-year-old supermodel told a news conference Sunday. Models should not let models speak. Period (see my opening sentence)." Everyone being bad? Who? The agency who made her wealthy? Her parents for having her? The dealer who fed her habit? Or, could it be Kate that was bad and needs to learn a little lesson called “a-c-c-o-u-n-t-a-b-i-l-i-t-y”?
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Tuesday's Amber Alert
An Amber Alert has been issued for a male and female who disappeared sometime during the summer movie season. Initial estimates place the couples disappearance somewhere between “Kingdom of Heaven”, “Herbie: Fully Loaded”, and “The Island”.
The female is a brunette, a little bit taller than the male, maybe a hundred and twenty pounds if thrown into Dawson’s Creek (and add an extra 2lb or 3lbs if she has THAT cold sore on her lip!). When last seen she was fighting against evil along side of Batman, sporting a hefty engagement ring, and whittling away at her “best-friends” list. There were sightings of her in Paris, London and any other place where her movie could be promoted. She is not considered dangerous (or very bright), simply “impressionable”. If Olive Oyl was a real person, she would capture most of her essence. But, due to the erratic behavior of her male traveling partner, any attempts to contact her should be done with holy water and mace and through HIS publicist!
The male is quite a bit older than the female and is prone to fits of freaking out, lashing out, and acting holier than thou. The male does not react well to being squirted with water, questioning his sexuality, asking about his religion, acting outside of very limited range of expression, or being left around furniture while on national TV. He was last seen wearing a t-shirt stating “I’m Complex!”, blue jeans, and a chip on his shoulder the size of Lindsay Lohan.
Anyone who has any information to the whereabouts of this couple is asked to call the Church of Scientology immediately! But please don’t notify the press- we don’t want to see them!
The female is a brunette, a little bit taller than the male, maybe a hundred and twenty pounds if thrown into Dawson’s Creek (and add an extra 2lb or 3lbs if she has THAT cold sore on her lip!). When last seen she was fighting against evil along side of Batman, sporting a hefty engagement ring, and whittling away at her “best-friends” list. There were sightings of her in Paris, London and any other place where her movie could be promoted. She is not considered dangerous (or very bright), simply “impressionable”. If Olive Oyl was a real person, she would capture most of her essence. But, due to the erratic behavior of her male traveling partner, any attempts to contact her should be done with holy water and mace and through HIS publicist!
The male is quite a bit older than the female and is prone to fits of freaking out, lashing out, and acting holier than thou. The male does not react well to being squirted with water, questioning his sexuality, asking about his religion, acting outside of very limited range of expression, or being left around furniture while on national TV. He was last seen wearing a t-shirt stating “I’m Complex!”, blue jeans, and a chip on his shoulder the size of Lindsay Lohan.
Anyone who has any information to the whereabouts of this couple is asked to call the Church of Scientology immediately! But please don’t notify the press- we don’t want to see them!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Tuesday's FEMA Efforts
Late Sunday night Washington DC emergency response teams received a frantic call from a tourist who had been near the White House.
Two other calls were received by DC’s 9-1-1 call center within minutes of the first one. Conflicting reports have made unraveling this story difficult, but what is clear is that all 3 reports claimed to have seen suspicious activity and unusual people in, and around, the White House. Each caller gave similar descriptions as to the person they saw lurking about on the White House property. White House Security was able apprehend the suspect and turned him over to the police for arrest. It took over two hours for Laura Bush and Dick Cheney to realize that George W. had been missing. It seems no one is used to seeing him at work, or at the White House.
In related news: although much press has been made about the recalling (and the subsequent resigning) of FEMA Director Browne, from New Orleans back to Washington, the truth of the matter is simply that given the way that the Bush administration has responded to the disaster in the South, there was obviously more need for emergency work back in DC than there was in New Orleans. Director Browne was just going to where emergency response crews were most needed; a Bush cabinet meeting.
There is no truth to the rumor that FEMA will be deployed to salvage Britney Spears’ image or career- they just don’t have enough resources for a rescue mission of that magnitude.
Two other calls were received by DC’s 9-1-1 call center within minutes of the first one. Conflicting reports have made unraveling this story difficult, but what is clear is that all 3 reports claimed to have seen suspicious activity and unusual people in, and around, the White House. Each caller gave similar descriptions as to the person they saw lurking about on the White House property. White House Security was able apprehend the suspect and turned him over to the police for arrest. It took over two hours for Laura Bush and Dick Cheney to realize that George W. had been missing. It seems no one is used to seeing him at work, or at the White House.
In related news: although much press has been made about the recalling (and the subsequent resigning) of FEMA Director Browne, from New Orleans back to Washington, the truth of the matter is simply that given the way that the Bush administration has responded to the disaster in the South, there was obviously more need for emergency work back in DC than there was in New Orleans. Director Browne was just going to where emergency response crews were most needed; a Bush cabinet meeting.
There is no truth to the rumor that FEMA will be deployed to salvage Britney Spears’ image or career- they just don’t have enough resources for a rescue mission of that magnitude.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Confessions from the Jury Box
Free at last!
It appears that men aren’t the only ones who lie about length and duration; the government does it too!
After being selected for jury duty and being told it would only take 3-4 days, we just wrapped the cases, 3 weeks later!
Tuesdays have come and gone, and come and gone again, and yet there I was, still listening to a case that really hammers home the lesson, “leave your ex’s alone and don’t come to their home…or someone is gonna die!” Hhmm, I don’t remember that as one of the lessons in “Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” but it is a good one to remember! Maybe I should petition public schools systems to add that “nugget of learning” into the 5-grade sex ed. curriculum!
With the case decided, I can share that it was a murder case (and what “an honor it was” to be selected foreman and have to say “guilty” four times). If only we could have had Jessica Fletcher or Jonathan and Jennifer Hart present I am sure it would have gone faster- they always seemed to be able to solve crimes in a nifty 60 minutes. After witnessing the whole process first-hand, I realized that when people “in the know” refer to the “wheels of justice going ‘round”, they are actually talking about Fred Flintstone’s feet! That’s how fast things moved! Even F.E.M.A. acts faster!
So, my lesson learned was, pick the county you live in wisely! If you ever end up on the wrong side of the law, that ex-drug-dealing granny who lives down the street just might be deemed “your peer” and show up in the jury box, deciding your fate! Sleep well with that fact!
See ya on Tuesday!
It appears that men aren’t the only ones who lie about length and duration; the government does it too!
After being selected for jury duty and being told it would only take 3-4 days, we just wrapped the cases, 3 weeks later!
Tuesdays have come and gone, and come and gone again, and yet there I was, still listening to a case that really hammers home the lesson, “leave your ex’s alone and don’t come to their home…or someone is gonna die!” Hhmm, I don’t remember that as one of the lessons in “Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” but it is a good one to remember! Maybe I should petition public schools systems to add that “nugget of learning” into the 5-grade sex ed. curriculum!
With the case decided, I can share that it was a murder case (and what “an honor it was” to be selected foreman and have to say “guilty” four times). If only we could have had Jessica Fletcher or Jonathan and Jennifer Hart present I am sure it would have gone faster- they always seemed to be able to solve crimes in a nifty 60 minutes. After witnessing the whole process first-hand, I realized that when people “in the know” refer to the “wheels of justice going ‘round”, they are actually talking about Fred Flintstone’s feet! That’s how fast things moved! Even F.E.M.A. acts faster!
So, my lesson learned was, pick the county you live in wisely! If you ever end up on the wrong side of the law, that ex-drug-dealing granny who lives down the street just might be deemed “your peer” and show up in the jury box, deciding your fate! Sleep well with that fact!
See ya on Tuesday!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Tuesday's who's that girl?
An ode to a certain someone who landed community service (mowing lawns) for her crime:
Her overall’s are dingy grey
Her cold feet were a surprise
Is that the runaway bride in guise?
The lawn mower person’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.
She’ll turn on you
To marry here, you’d have to think twice
She been busted for lying
The lawn-mower person’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.
And she’ll tease you
She’ll unease you
All the better to confuse you
She’s precocious
Her stories are just a bluff
Even cut her hair off
The lawnmower person is in disguise
But she’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes…
She’ll run away from home
She a risk to flight
In a split second she’s gone
Running across the country in guise
She’ll take a tumble on you
Gambling on love is her fiancés vice
She went to Vegas too
She’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes
TV exposed her
When she snowed you
With the stories that she told you
She ferocious
All the stories she told were bogus
Even tho’ she pulls her hat down to disguise
We all see those wild Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.
Her overall’s are dingy grey
Her cold feet were a surprise
Is that the runaway bride in guise?
The lawn mower person’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.
She’ll turn on you
To marry here, you’d have to think twice
She been busted for lying
The lawn-mower person’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.
And she’ll tease you
She’ll unease you
All the better to confuse you
She’s precocious
Her stories are just a bluff
Even cut her hair off
The lawnmower person is in disguise
But she’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes…
She’ll run away from home
She a risk to flight
In a split second she’s gone
Running across the country in guise
She’ll take a tumble on you
Gambling on love is her fiancés vice
She went to Vegas too
She’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes
TV exposed her
When she snowed you
With the stories that she told you
She ferocious
All the stories she told were bogus
Even tho’ she pulls her hat down to disguise
We all see those wild Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Tuesday's SVU
The following is an actual call received on the Beverly Hills Police Special Victims Unit (SVU) phone line. (Editor’s note: in Beverly Hills, “special” means exactly that; the phone number special people call is “STAR-9-1-1”, because they are one!).
Caller: “Damn it! Is there someone there who can help! Help Me!”
Dispatcher: what is the problem madam?
C: “they are everywhere! They are stalking me!”
D: “Who is madam? Are these people trying to hurt you?”
C: “Yes! They are hurting me worse than bad ratings!”
D: “How are they hurting you?”
C: “I have good days, but then I have some bad days, too…they hurt me most on the bad days!”
D ”Are these people in your home with you?
C: “Yes!! Yes they are! They are everywhere! They are staring right at me, on the cover of “W”, “GQ”, and “Vanity Fair”.
(at this point a n SVU specialist is brought in to handle the crisis)
D: “AM I speaking with Jennifer Anniston?”
C: ”Yes! Yes you are!”
D: “ Jennifer, this is Tom Cruise, and I want to help you!”
C: “NO! No not you! You won’t offer me drugs to relieve my pain!”
D: “ Jennifer, or may I call you Rachel, you sound stressed- what is in your diet these days and how often are you working out? Have you heard of Scientology?”
D: “Hi Jenn- can I call you that, Jenn? This is Paula Abdul working the lines tonight and I am here to help you! I am going to buy you a cell phone so you can always reach me when you need help or drugs to help ease your pain! I am forever your girlfriend!”
(this call was soon terminated when several reports came in (falsely) that Aquaman was sleeping with the fish again….)
Caller: “Damn it! Is there someone there who can help! Help Me!”
Dispatcher: what is the problem madam?
C: “they are everywhere! They are stalking me!”
D: “Who is madam? Are these people trying to hurt you?”
C: “Yes! They are hurting me worse than bad ratings!”
D: “How are they hurting you?”
C: “I have good days, but then I have some bad days, too…they hurt me most on the bad days!”
D ”Are these people in your home with you?
C: “Yes!! Yes they are! They are everywhere! They are staring right at me, on the cover of “W”, “GQ”, and “Vanity Fair”.
(at this point a n SVU specialist is brought in to handle the crisis)
D: “AM I speaking with Jennifer Anniston?”
C: ”Yes! Yes you are!”
D: “ Jennifer, this is Tom Cruise, and I want to help you!”
C: “NO! No not you! You won’t offer me drugs to relieve my pain!”
D: “ Jennifer, or may I call you Rachel
D: “Hi Jenn- can I call you that, Jenn? This is Paula Abdul working the lines tonight and I am here to help you! I am going to buy you a cell phone so you can always reach me when you need help or drugs to help ease your pain! I am forever your girlfriend!”
(this call was soon terminated when several reports came in (falsely) that Aquaman was sleeping with the fish again….)
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Tuesday's Family Plan
It’s seems everybody in the business world is trying to jump onto the “employee discount plan”, where you get the same pricing that employees of the company receive.
Sure that makes sense in the automotive industry, but what would happen if you extended something similar to this to the airline industry? What if we all got to experience the same glamorous workday that a flight attendant lives through?
Imagine your day:
-you may, or may not, end up working- but you have to show up, regardless.
-you may, or may not, get on the flight you hope for
-the journey can start off very bumpy and never smooth out
-all day long you hear that incessant ringing of call buttons going off
-you get to meet the dumbest people on earth, over and over again, as you try to explain why they do not “own” the overhead compartment and why that oversized luggage won’t fit (hello, it’s too damn big!)
-you experience first hand the uncanny ability of adults being rude (you don’t just get that in a deli line) and/or childish
-lunch is one of 4 items: cheese and crackers, sunchips, peanuts, or animal crackers
-your beverage is a product of the coca-cola company
-your liquor cabinet at home has only mini-bottles in it
-you cheerfully face each day under the threat of bankruptcy or job-loss
-and you never know which face of crazy is going to show up at your work: be it drunk, angry, sad or otherwise
Ah, the glamour of the travel industry!
Sure that makes sense in the automotive industry, but what would happen if you extended something similar to this to the airline industry? What if we all got to experience the same glamorous workday that a flight attendant lives through?
Imagine your day:
-you may, or may not, end up working- but you have to show up, regardless.
-you may, or may not, get on the flight you hope for
-the journey can start off very bumpy and never smooth out
-all day long you hear that incessant ringing of call buttons going off
-you get to meet the dumbest people on earth, over and over again, as you try to explain why they do not “own” the overhead compartment and why that oversized luggage won’t fit (hello, it’s too damn big!)
-you experience first hand the uncanny ability of adults being rude (you don’t just get that in a deli line) and/or childish
-lunch is one of 4 items: cheese and crackers, sunchips, peanuts, or animal crackers
-your beverage is a product of the coca-cola company
-your liquor cabinet at home has only mini-bottles in it
-you cheerfully face each day under the threat of bankruptcy or job-loss
-and you never know which face of crazy is going to show up at your work: be it drunk, angry, sad or otherwise
Ah, the glamour of the travel industry!
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Tuesday's Payola Scam
Here is your $10 million question:
If I don't buy it, and you don't request it, why does Jennifer Lopez's music still get played?
The answer:
Because SONY BMG pays dj's to "spin" her records on the radio!
Sony is now paying a $10 million dollar fine for this payola scam. Shouldn't this become a class action lawsuit?
Who hasn't been harmed by the tunes: "Get Right", "Jenny from the Block" (...don't be fooled by the airplay that's been bought...she's as talented as a blood clot....) or "Play"? Hasn't the conscience of the American public been stunted by her? I think I might try for reparations for the damage she has caused me: loss of hair (from pulling it out trying to "get" her popularity), damage to my vocal cords (attempting to hit the same off-notes she does at karioke night at "The Sizzler"), my therapists/plastic surgeon bills (but I think my ass is too small...I want one as big as Jenny's!), and so on...but what I really will need help doing is sleeping at night. Now all I do is lie awake and wonder: "who else has designed from the J-lo line of "the emperor's new clothing".
Who else was I right about? Who else has no talent but is being falsely made into a star?... Britney Murphy? Tara Reid? Wilson Philip? Pauly Shore? Charlie Sheen?....gosh....this list could go on and on.....
If I don't buy it, and you don't request it, why does Jennifer Lopez's music still get played?
The answer:
Because SONY BMG pays dj's to "spin" her records on the radio!
Sony is now paying a $10 million dollar fine for this payola scam. Shouldn't this become a class action lawsuit?
Who hasn't been harmed by the tunes: "Get Right", "Jenny from the Block" (...don't be fooled by the airplay that's been bought...she's as talented as a blood clot....) or "Play"? Hasn't the conscience of the American public been stunted by her? I think I might try for reparations for the damage she has caused me: loss of hair (from pulling it out trying to "get" her popularity), damage to my vocal cords (attempting to hit the same off-notes she does at karioke night at "The Sizzler"), my therapists/plastic surgeon bills (but I think my ass is too small...I want one as big as Jenny's!), and so on...but what I really will need help doing is sleeping at night. Now all I do is lie awake and wonder: "who else has designed from the J-lo line of "the emperor's new clothing".
Who else was I right about? Who else has no talent but is being falsely made into a star?... Britney Murphy? Tara Reid? Wilson Philip? Pauly Shore? Charlie Sheen?....gosh....this list could go on and on.....
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Tuesday's with Dick Cheney
Dick Cheney went in for his routine medical check-up this past week. Although for the most part he was given a “clean bill of health”<> for a man his age, a few things did show up that his doctors refused comment on; fortunately, Karl Rove was there, and so we have the report:
-a slight irritation around his heart initially puzzled the doctors because it had been widely speculated that he, in fact, had no heart, just a lump of coal left over from the last energy shortage. They were able to determine that most of the cause of the irritation stems from the democrats and their constant desire for doing things, ”the democratic way”.
-a slight rash around his calves is apparently from the endless chafing he receives from pulling cowboy boots on and off when goes out to Crawford, Texas, to explain policies to George W….who is out on the ranch “riding horsies”.
-bruising along his right arm is from trying to ram a failed Iraq war policy onto the Iraqi people. The swelling should come down as soon as he creates an exit plan for the US military.
-and finally, the burn marks on his buttocks resulted from the spontaneous combustion of the jeans he was wearing. The technical diagnosis is “liar liar pants on fire” syndrome.
There is, however, no truth to the rumor that he is going to go to Canada for insurance purposes and to receive his prescriptions at a cheaper rate than those given to politicians here in the US.
-a slight irritation around his heart initially puzzled the doctors because it had been widely speculated that he, in fact, had no heart, just a lump of coal left over from the last energy shortage. They were able to determine that most of the cause of the irritation stems from the democrats and their constant desire for doing things, ”the democratic way”.
-a slight rash around his calves is apparently from the endless chafing he receives from pulling cowboy boots on and off when goes out to Crawford, Texas, to explain policies to George W….who is out on the ranch “riding horsies”.
-bruising along his right arm is from trying to ram a failed Iraq war policy onto the Iraqi people. The swelling should come down as soon as he creates an exit plan for the US military.
-and finally, the burn marks on his buttocks resulted from the spontaneous combustion of the jeans he was wearing. The technical diagnosis is “liar liar pants on fire” syndrome.
There is, however, no truth to the rumor that he is going to go to Canada for insurance purposes and to receive his prescriptions at a cheaper rate than those given to politicians here in the US.
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