Sticks and Stones

While the controversies over the use of the "n" and the "f" words continue to gain mainstream press coverage, apparently, there are a few other offenses that are being dished out; did you miss them?

A commercial being shot for the SuperBowl was scrapped after people complained about the content; apparently, the use of K-Fed as a fast-food employee was perceived as such a slam against the thousands of those who actually make a living in the industry, that the ad has been killed. When your image becomes so synonymous with "loser" that people balk at you depicting them, that's got to hurt! I wonder if K-Fed could get away with being cast as a car dealer?

But what's even crueler is the following:

"A Fox News spokeswoman, Irena Briganti, said CNN was mainly looking for publicity in attacking its higher-rated rival. Of Mr. Cooper’s comment, she said, “Yet another cry for attention by the Paris Hilton of television news, Anderson Cooper.”

OUCH!!!

Atlanta* has a whorehouse in it!

Atlanta has a whorehouse in it, lord have mercy on our souls!

I'll be damned if we can't buy booze on Sunday, but we can rassle up some loving on the Sabbath!

The Sugarloaf Madame should have kept a quieter henhouse and all would have been fine, but noise, parties, and men coming and going (no pun...) at all hours drove the 'hood to complaining.

She says there was "nothing dirty going on", maybe not dirty, but Naughty Nikki was serving up something to afford that million-dollar mansion and I have a feeling it was more than just her scrambled eggs!

Loosen our bible belt and the pants fall down!

*Gwinnett to be exact.

Cruise on a Cross

To each generation, a religion is born, one that will gradually lay a claim of Supremacy to all others. The Christians have been hanging tough for a few centuries, but watch out, the Scientologist are trying to make a move towards the front of the herd, and they've made Tom Cruise the Grand Marshall of the UFO-themed parade. Correction, they've elevated him to the "Christ-like" figure of the L Ron Hubbardites. The Jews served up Jesus on a cross, the Muslims won't show us Muhammad and Jenna Elfman and Kristie Alley promote "Maverick" on a stick! If there is a sign of an impending Armageddon, this might be it! Apparently, it was just a simple misinterpretation of a "world war" being nascent to the end of times, with Cruise's crappy "War of the Worlds" signaling the demise of mankind. Oops! Yo Moses! You say "Reed Sea", people misinterpret it as "Red Sea".

Can you imagine what people will think centuries from now when they view the "body of Tom's work" in reverence to his "deitiness"? "I never noticed the hidden meaning of life in "Legends," or how was I to know that "Risky Business" was a theological masterpiece masquerading as a comedy?" Was Mimi Rodgers Mary Magdalene or was that Nicole Kidman? Is Oprah a modern day Judas, betraying Mr. Cruise with a couch? So many questions maybe I should call my local Scientology branch for some answers!

Funny, while Delta aims to remove references of god from it's movies, another company hopes to make movie stars into their gods...

"Idol" thoughts

There's a fine line between pleasure and pain: "American Idol" auditions exemplifiy both those feelings. I just keep asking myself, "What looney bin was dumped out on the Fox lot prior to this season's auditions for "American Idol"? The rejects from "Temptation Island" and "So You Think You Can Dance"? These people are crazy! "AI" is a great argument for why lithium is still available in this country! "AI" peels back the veneer of sanity and shows that we've got so many crazy's spread across the country ("from sea to shining sea") that if someone wanted to hold a successful "Hands Across America", all they'd need to do is call up the "AI" rejects! They've got them by the truck full!

Beyond the sheer insanity of the show's contestants ( like the NYC chick who wants to be an Idol but doesn't sing- go figure!), pray tell, what family tortures their child with the heavy expectations of winning this competition (ok-only 5 families can claim this success)? These kids who are told "no" act is if the Child Catcher from "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" is waiting in the wings to ship them off to the prison cells of Vulgaria. You wonder why today's youth or so poorly behaved, just look how they respond to the word "no". Are the expectations really that high? If so, why don't these parents just give them a tennis racket and tell them they need to learn to play in order to save the family name and farm? Aren't the odds for success about the same? Crazy I say!

Fly the quieter skies

AirTran may have just won over the hearts of millions of new customers- if it plays it cards right:

"ORLANDO, Fla. (Jan. 23) - AirTran Airways on Tuesday defended its decision to remove a Massachusetts couple from a flight after their crying 3-year-old daughter refused to take her seat before takeoff. "

BRAVO!!!For every traveler who has endured the tireless tirade of twerps, how refreshing it is to hear that someone finally did something!

AirTran could rush new marketing slogans to capitalize on this:

"The No Cry-High club!"

"Cry-babies Rn't US"

"Shut-up and Sit down!" service

"If you're crying you're not flying"

"The rain does not fall in the plane"

"Cry once more and you're out the door"

"Don't cry on us or we'll leave ya"

Lady Sings the Blues (and misses gold)

Go on with your bad-ass self Miss Be*yotch*once!

If you wanna stike some gold, get back to Miss Foxxxy Cleopatra, but don't be dissing the J-Hu this Oscar season! "Dreamgirls" racks up the Oscar nom's, but read between the lines (of coke Eddie snorts)...Mrs. "Z-2-B" gets no loving: Best Picture-nope!, Best Actress-nope!, credit for best songwriting-nope! Sorry, there's not a single reason for her to step one foot onto the stage to accept an award (but she will sing during the show, TRUST and believe!), all the high profile glamor goes to Jennifer Hudson; and if any of the gossip rags have half of the story right, this has the whole Knowles Clan in a twist. I couldn't be happier! Seeing how Destiny's Child is a virtual updated "Dreamgirls" saga, the snub must leave Beyonce feeling like Farrah or LaToya when they dropped the "Survivor" cd! Here's a thought, next time Beyonce wants to channel Diana Ross, aim for "Lady Sings the Blues", it a solo gig and she got the Oscar nomination- but more than likely, "Miss Independent" will land "Mahogany."

CHA-idi-OTIC!

Somewhere between learning how to SMS somebody (what does that stand for?) and re-uploading lost music from my i-pod, I must have missed a new hybrid of speed-dating etiquette that requires the two parties attempting to hit it off to announce when the dating doesn't work. Phew! Follow all that? Dating is hard work! See, it appears that Britney has announced that she has "split" from one of the guys she been photographed with a couple times (that's about all the acknowledgement he deserves). How exactly do you "split" from a 3-day dating bender? Shower and go home with each agreeing to drive home in their own cars? Do they split the final check? Do any incurred debts and gifts get split, like phone numbers on napkins and hotel bills? Does Britney have a "pre-date" agreement (she won't wear panties if you don't shave?)? What is the proper amount of time to "see" someone to then require an announcement that you are no longer seeing that someone? Making it onto 4 tabloid news covers? Be seen once wearing ugly matching clothes? Gosh, how will Brit's kids do losing their new papa?

Ah, Hollywood kids these days, it makes me yearn for the simpler times of a drunk Drew Barrymore and pothead Adam Rich.

A clue in a shoe?

Shortly before George W. Bush decided to take the U.S. into war with Iraq-Al-Quaeda-Bin laden-Afghanistan-Hussein it has been uncovered, through recently declassified government documents (apparently it's not just phone and banking records that anybody can access these days), that a pair of blood-red shoes landed in the Rose Garden, nearly hitting Jenna Bush square in the ass, as she lied, passed out in the dirt.

It is anyone's guess where these size-7 shoes, slightly chewed by a dog, and having some funky green junk on the heel of one, might have come from. An unnamed White House staffer believes that the discovery of the shoes explains why Condi Rice was seen running through the West Wing of the building, barefoot, just a half hour before. Others speculate that they were forgotten there by Monica Lewinsky's and Jenna was too drunk to realize she fell down next them, instead of vice-versa.

A far more ominous explanation was given by the Interior Secretary (and former attache' from Munchkinland) Dirk Kempthorne. "These shoes mean that a blasted little girl is about to overthrow our government and reign havoc on our foreign policies and totally disrupt our ability to function as a country. Storms will destroy us! Animals will attack (especially flying monkeys and lions)! And the housing market will come crashing to earth!" He was promptly rushed to Walter Reed Hospital for "exhaustion and evaluations."

Most now believe the shoes were simply discarded for flip-flops by one of the women players when the USA Women's soccer team paid the White House a visit, but with Senator Clinton's presidential bid announced, some people believe Sec. Kempthorne might still be right...

An Open Letter

Dear (obtuse, stupid, detached from reality) airline (Airtran) passenger (NFL quarterback),

Long ago (about 6 years ago), in a galaxy far far away (NYC), an evil empire (Fox News, Al-Quaeda, Trump) struck out at the USA. They behaved very badly: blowing up planes and crashing them into buildings; thousands of people were killed in these acts of violence (or millions have been numbed by the televised stupidity that is presented as "fair and balanced news"). Maybe you heard about this? No? Maybe your helmet blocked the noise and has kept you from being aware of the ensuing events that have impacted nearly every American (election) for the past several years and has lead to crappy foreign policies(war) and new regulations at airports. No? Oh, maybe you were too busy getting your STD's checked out at the lab? Well, whatever the case, it is important for you to understand that, under current Federal regulations (think "the government referee's") it's a no-no to carry any liquid (water or perhaps Gatorade?) through security checkpoints. So, if you are going to try to say, smuggle drugs in a water bottle (hypothetically speaking- do you know what hypothetical means? Yes, you do! You went to college!- wait, did you graduate?) doing it at an airport wouldn't be a good idea (play) since no one can bring liquids through security (like have a defensive line no running back can get through)! This is one tackle you couldn't break free from!

Cheers-

A thoughtful ex-fan (one of the many that you flipped off).

ps...like ya can't get your stash in ATL? Yet another insult to this fine city!

Tick-tock

Condi checks her doomsday watch and decides now is the right time for peace (or a new time piece). Apparently, at no other time during the past 60 years has peace really been an appropriate option for the MiddleEast, but this is the right time. Oh wait, damn it, Condi always screws up daylight savings time, she set her watch back an hour! Maybe next year we will work for peace; "on with the nukes race and threats to attack Iran!", Mizz Sec. of State cries out, creating some of the worst wind storms Europe has seen in years.

A Lohan parking job?

Alas, Mother Nature has stepped up her vigilance in taking care of the planet.

If Disney won't quit putting out those darn "Herbie, the Love Bug" movies, damn it, then she will! Of course, Lindsay Lohan was nowhere near the vehicle at the time of the accident (I guess that twelve steps program really has made the streets safer with her off them or was this park job what got her to rehab?), much to that fat walrus (aka Brandon Davis) that Paris hangs out with's chagrin.

So what can be learned from this? Cars don't kill trees, trees kill cars? Don't park on tree-lined streets? Always valet? I'd say, vote for Al Gore and don't piss off 'Mo Nature!

Pot! Kettle! Red, White and Asphyxiated-blue

Here's the press story: "President Bush on Tuesday criticized the handling of Saddam Hussein's execution, saying it looked like "kind of a revenge killing" that had eroded the American public's faith in the Iraqi government."


After receiving criticism from Bush about their handling of the execution of Saddam Hussein and his brother, Iraq's leadership responded with the following statement:

"Talk to the non-severed hand, Mr. USA! Of course it was a revenge killing! It's what you told us to do- you said no one would notice, just like claiming we owned the non-existent weapons of mass (Iraqi) destruction! Now, once you can fix the war and oil prices, stabilize our government, get your troops out of our country then you can bitch about how tight we tie our ropes! At least we follow through with our death penalties in a timely manner!"

Oh yeah, fix your (brother's Florida) execution problems before you complain about ours! and shouldn't you be worried about Americans faith in your government?"

Cheers- Iraq

PS...how are those oil stocks performing?

A game we can all win!

The new television gameshow "Straight, Gay or Married" is billed as "the game you already play." How right they are...contestant number one. Can we pick more than one answer?

Clap 101

Did Paula steal Cher's outfit?

Paula Abdul is getting her own Bravo TV show! Now it can be said that there really are two boobs on TV: Paula on "American Idol" and Paula on Bravo! Gitmo's prisoner's beware, she's going to be haunting you till you break, no more punishment of sitting in front of Judge Hatchett!

The Bravo show will follow Paula around and take us behind the scenes into her arduous life and daily schedule; you can see how Paula practices her unique clapping style for hours infront of a mirror, learn how she files a lawsuit against a dirty nail spa's, see how she gets the numbers of the cute males auditioning for "AI" and see what personal favors she can assist with.

Don't delay, catch the first few episodes, because there probably won't be many more if there is a "Evan Almighty" in Hollywood!

"Boratted"

"B-o-r-a-t-t-e-d": to be duped or mislead in a comedic way, to create a false impression that entices others to act stupid. To be sued multiple times for embarassing people dumb enough to do things on film that they wouldn't normally do sober or among a "mixed crowd."

Riddle me this Batman, how do you get rewarded for doing nothing? Welfare and unemployment checks not withstanding (or Kato Catelin), it seems Borat has been able to, once again, dupe unsuspecting fools; this time it is the Writer's Guild of America, which has just nominated the film for "Best Adapted Screenplay."

The following is the press release for the 2006 WGA Screenwriting nominee's:

"For Cohen's film, fully titled "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan," the WGA nod gives greater legitimacy to a work heralded by many as a breakthrough in the satirical "mockumentary" genre popularized by such films as "This Is Spinal Tap." Chronicling the exploits of the title character's cross-country U.S. road trip, "Borat" is driven by Cohen's largely unscripted, improvised encounters with ordinary people who become his unsuspecting foils."

If "Borat" is "largely unsripted and improvised", how exactly does "Borat" qualify for a writing award? Someone has some 'splaining to do! Is Ashton Kutcher or Borat behind this?

Just in time for Valentine's!

Ever find yourself scratching your head, wondering what to give that certain special someone who cheats at everything? You know you can't give them anything too fancy, or they will just go and hawk it, but you still want to give the gift that says, "yeah, we know and we're telling the world".

Here's the gift for: Tonya Harding, Charlie Sheen, Floyd Landis, Richard Nixon, Barry Bonds, FSU football team, and Anna Kornikova, just to name a few. Okay, you got me on Anna, bless her pretty little tennis charm-bracelet, she didn't ever win a damn thing (but sponsorships and Enrique), If only she knew how to cheat like Sharapova or Henin-Hardienne! Buy these now, or forever regret your procrastination (unless you steal one from someone)!

The evil that men do...

You'd think the label of "man's best friend" would have it perks: walks around the park, someone to feed you, someone to pick up after you, leather collars (if you're into that stuff), and warm fires to lie in front of on wet cold nights. So who the @#$@! decided to punish this poor puppy? Don't it's eyes say everything, "late one night, when you are fast sleep in your bed, I will plod up to your room, hop ontop of that over-stuffed mattress, and shove this damn thing down your throat! And, when you try to run, the first thing you will feel is the ooze of puppy-poo between youe toes! Don't ever put clothes, like a jester's collar on me again, and then take me to the dog park, jackass!"

LISTEN!

History will prove that George W(hatever) Bush was deaf.

"I have heard the people," he says...but yet he continues to not listen.

"I have talked to Generals," he claims, but fails to comprehend what they are saying.

"The voters have spoken. Gosh, sucks for them because I don't like what they have to say!"

Beyonce belts out the tune, "Listen" at her pivotal moment in "Dreamgirls" and it resonates with her decisions that follow. I wish someone would hit up Mr Bush with the same intensity (Ms Sheehan perhaps), but sadly, it probaly won't matter, because he just wont...

Rescue Me!

Madonna cuts through the fray and learns how to save a life, her good friend Roise's. Give the English lady her due- after all this feuding, finally someone calls it like it really is.

Madonna simply stated, "Basically, I mean, she's a stand-up comic. I think all stand-up comics talk about provocative things in their monologues before shows, and I think that's a commonplace thing."

"I don't know exactly the content of what she said," she continued, "but I have a feeling that if every stand-up comic was penalized for saying politically incorrect things or provocative things, I think they'd all be hung in the public square."

Now get back to the recording studio- and don't bring the leg warmers!

"Out damn 'CATS'", I say!

Forgive the confusion, but I want someone to clarify for me, just how many ways are there "to skin a cat"? I hear that there's more than one way, but who really knows? Who is counting? And, I would imagine of most concern, who is trying out all these various methods? A Korean chef? Oh! If a cat has nine lives and is skinned in 4 different ways, does that count separately, or are they collective and still representative of just that one cat? I really need to know who is in charge of keeping track of this statistic! Does the ability to, in obviously more than one way, "skin a cat" spring forth innately once "the cats in the bag"?

Well, one person who has found a way to skin his own "CAT(S)" is Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber, who just this week surpassed his own Broadway record, for longest-running musical (was "CATS") with "The Phantom of the Opera". Now that's something to purr about!

"Pills"-bury Doh! Boy

Here's a shocker, Barry "I've never failed a drug test" Bonds just last season failed a Major League Baseball amphetamines test, and initially blamed it on a teammate. Which is more surprising, that the puffy steroided-mess lied, or that, once again, Bonds tried to finger someone else for the crime? Think about it, a guy who is under the constant glare of scrutiny for being juiced "just randomly borrows a substance from a teammate?" Not very smart- but no one said he was.

Now It Makes Sense!

I rue the day when we have to look back on the year 2006 and discover how ahead of the times Ms. Spears, Lohan, and Hilton were...and that day is almost at hand!! The National Climatic Data Center (I don't think it has anything to do with porn) has just released preliminary data that indicates that 2006 is the warmest year on record for the U.S....

So that's why they weren't wearing panties!

"it's getting hot in herre, so take off all your clothes. I am getting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off"

Uh-hum! A recount, Mr. Blackwell, PLEASE!!

Nicole, is that you?How on earth did Mr. Blackwell overlook all 86 pounds of this fashion suicide?

Maybe because she was standing sideways when he looked? I say, if this was Ms. Ritchie, I think she might have actually peaked at 82 pounds (and not an ounce of taste on her).

An Inconvenient Truth!

President-elect Gore, you're fat!

Yes, global warming is occurring, but before you'll ever get to seeing that last polar ice-cap melt, you'll be more than six feet under, if you don't quit picking up those double patty-melts! Block your door now, the true terrorists who will threaten your well-being are on the way! That's right, the Girl Scouts and their ever so popular (but no trans-fatty= blah) cookies! You need to get a little more Jane Fonda in your day and become a little less fond of trees! Mr. Gore, I have seen "Jared", I've watched countless "Jared" commercials, Mr. Gore, you're no "Jared"- get that ass into Subway, mach schnell! And, if you're really good, maybe this time next year, on Oprah, you can strip down to a speedo! A leaner you and a slighter "milkshake" might bring more environmentalist to your yard! That's right, it's better than yours!

2 out of 3 ain't bad!

1. Ripped Body: check

2. Oral Hygiene: check

3. Face and Hair Product: oops!

Matthew just hates it when Jake G. does the overnight packing, even Lance A. remembers to pack Matt's razor and hair conditioner!

OUCH!

All those damned needles tracks and nothing to show for it! Is this how Courtney Love used to feel?

Oh No! Mr.Bill!

Quick! Who is this? Ok, no, it's not a horrified Ohio State Buckeye fan; there'd be more tears and regret and it's not Yoko's painting of John Lennon. It's the latest salvo in the feud that refuses to die (unlike "The Apprentice", which didn't fare well in the ratings...). I say, beware of an angry lesbian who takes time to make a rendering of you in her art- we all know how much Rosie loves her arts and crafts, and if she's taking the time to paint Trump, I'd guess there's a vodoo doll being crafted somewhere!

on my radar: Scents and the City

NEW YORK (CNN) -- New York officials evacuated a number of buildings and shut down some trains after a mysterious gaslike odor was reported Monday.

Based on the play of the two NYC "professional" football teams, the Giants and the Jets, over the weekend, early suspicions focused on either of those NFL clubhouses as the cause of the stench, but neither panned out.

Also confounding authorities is that neither Rosie nor Donald Trump are currently in New York City, which many had also speculated as the possible origin of the odor.

Meteorologist might have discovered the answer. They noted severe wind gusts were occurring in the greater metropolitan area and that what many local New Yorkers were initially identifying as "foul air" might simply be actually fresh air that's been blown in to the city and has temporarily replaced the cigarette and exhaust smoke that is so familiar to midtown Manhattanites.

One person wondered aloud, "is this what moral decay smells like?" Too which another person piped up,"nope, I've been to New Orleans and it smells nothing like this!"

Let's just agree to blame New Jersey!

Hussein says, "American football, I Want You!"

Saddam Hussein, fresh from his execution, hopes to play football for the Dallas Cowboy's next year! A startled, but excited mourner, upon seeing Saddam resurrected, asked the dictator what he planned to do next. Noting the continued failures of the Texas football team in post-league play, Hussein answered, "play American football; death hasn't ended the careers of Tupac, Elvis, or those Olsen Twins, so why should it stop me?" he asked. "Obviously Tony Romo shouldn't be the ball holder for field goal attempts, he said, after overcoming a few heavy coughs that were no doubt caused by a very sore throat. I think there could be a spot for me on that team, plus, if Terrell Owens stays (with the Cowboys), I won't be the most hated player in Dallas!"

Trump says, "she's a fat bitch!"

Certain to keep their feud in the headlines, Donald Trump sent Rosie a box of Slentrol, the recently FDA-approved weight loss drug for obese dogs. He was quoted as saying, "it's perfect for her, why didn't they just name it Rosientrol?"

Good War Hunting

The "thinking man's president" stuns the press core by easily explaining, in his native tongue of guffaws and gobbliegook, how increasing the number of troops in Iraq will help us win the war, with the simple belief that "i've made up so much of the war, why can't I make up this theory for success?"

Banish the Electoral College(even though admission standards are low)!

Watch the show and then vote for your favorite!

This is the niftiest thing since hanging-chads were discovered in Florida! Why can't our government take a page right out of NBC's playbook and hold auditions for the presidency?

Since we can't trust our votes at the ballot box, let's give them over to AT&T to be heard! Maybe I can download "Hail to the Chief" for my new ringtone!

And since we can't trust our own votes, let's enact term limits, too!

Oh yeah, since England did this reality-show idea already we could give them credit for helping found our government!!

Saving all my crap for you!

You can be sho' the devil ain't never gonna be caught wearing this!

Thank you Mizz Houston for airing out your dirttty laudry again! Thankfully, this time, we can pick and choose as to what we bring home...not like I'd want any of that junk in my trunk!

This sale must truly be the greatest love of all for your stylist! Now he/she can go back to dressing "Jason and the Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat" cast. These clothes should put to rest any rumors about Whitney being a lesbian, ain't no girl gonna go out in any of that shit and think she's gonna get laid by another woman; sadly, a man might find these things attractive (explains the whole Bobby Brown thing= lack of taste). I've never seen Oprah wear crap like this!

It just a shame to think that she'd been (not) paying to keep these things stored, does she plan to wear them again? Or does she lie around her house in this stuff? If she does, somebody ought to be call Child Protection for Bobbie Christina!!

Now I know why Baby (Bobbie Christina) cried the day the circus came to town- she was having flash backs!

The rattle of the cattle of a new year!

Like a moth to a flame, a lemming to a cliff, or Wacko Jacko to plastic surgery...

people migrate to January first with high hopes of new habits in hand.

And by January 21st, were back to being the "new" old Christine, only we might have also found ourselves a few pounds heavier and a gym membership poorer.

And so, with so much at stake...I proudly march forth from the pack to reveal my resolves...

1. Not to go along with the group

2. No sweets after midnight

3. Wipe my feet more often before breaking and entering (thanks CSI!)

4. Read more, but recall less (I think that's what I wrote...)

5. Do laundry more often

6. Fold clothes sooner

7. Dot my "i's" and cross my "t's"

8. Don't sweat the small stuff

9. Make no resolution until I mean it- and I'm serious about this one!

10. Have fun (and not always at others expense- I can chip in sarcasm for free)

Can this relationship workout?

The belt says "no", it's too heavy of a burden to bear!...(so is a 41-14 whooping from LSU!)

I wasn't sure if this was a character from the new Tim Burton live action film "The Webbles" or one severly strained belt crying out for help!

on my radar: american icons

Happy New Year!

Alas, it seems that 2007 is looking a lot like 2006 as we kick things off: Rosie and Trump are still at it; it must mean he's got a show to promote or a new casino to bankrupt; Britney, nothing more needs to be said about her since it can all be seen on film or "Youtube". My one question, when is the last time anyone (besides Liza Minelli) ended up "out" on the floor at a party because they "fell to sleep"? Let's hope at some point someone gives them all resolutions to be a bit less visible....which leads me to...

Over the weekend a couple icons were rolled out in front of the television viewing audience; one had no option, the other probably had no idea. How they were handled gets me to wondering, what becomes of a semi-legend most and how should we salute our icons as they age?

When your husband, a former US President passes away, it won't matter how bad off you are looking, you will be shown on TV! Bless that poor Betty Ford, who's getting along remarkable well for 88! She looked like she could crumble at any moment during Gerald's funeral processions- she probably walked more in these past couple days then she has in the past 2 years combined! Kudos' to those who kept her going! And for all that she did in her time; what I wouldn't do to see Laura Bush kick back a few drinks and be interviewed by Barbara Walters (just don't let her drive)!

On the other hand, dressing up Muhammad Ali and literally (golf) carting him onto the football field to kick off the Orange Bowl was a travesty, unless you are making an argument for why boxing shouldn't be allowed ("Rocky's" 2-6 are another good reason). I was hoping to call Lee Iacocca to see if he'd help fund another landmark restoration project! For being only 65, Ali was a sad sight to behold and it's arguable if he even knew what was going on...Betty Ford might have been able to KO him if they'd been together! Ali's legacy might be better served if these appearances were kept out of the media!

It just me shudder to think in 2050 they might be dragging Britney or Rosie out there...

Theme weddings to show you Car(ri)e.

What happens when tradition binds you to pay for something you don't support, like say, the guy your daughter wants to marry? How about expressing your thoughts through a theme wedding? Inspired by the book and ripped from the movie, "Carrie, The Wedding".

What guest won't know your true feeling when this delicious cake is brought out for the ceremonial cutting? You can just stand back and smile, in that Piper Laurie way that says, "yes she's crazy, and I know he's a devil spawn, but what can you do, shoot knives at them?"

And if your point is somehow lost in their marital bliss, want not, for you can also send them "dirty pillows" for their wedding gift!

on my radar: 2006

It's a week before Christmas, oh crap what to do?
(If I were in the Seattle Airport challenged by a Jew
I'd take down the trees and not get sued!)
But me, I'll procrastinate more whilst I consider 2006 in review.

Mel Gibson, hung over, caught on a Malibu road
He's not anti-Semitic, except for what the TMZ.com video told.
Michael Richards struggled with a few jeering heads,
Unleashing a racial tirade, helping confirm his career is dead.

Nancy Pelosi, brimming with good cheer,
Santa came early to her house this year.
On the TV there arose such a clatter,
I turned on "The View" to see what was the matter.

Britney with no panties, across the web she was flashed,
With, or without, K-Fed, she still acted like trash.
Even Linsey was in on this show,
All the world had been show their bare "objects below".

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,
Dick Cheney jumped out with his firing stick,
And shot off a few rounds at who must be St. Nick.

More rapid than nukes from North Korea troubles came,
All around the world more conflicts were named:
Thai coups, the middle east, Afghanistan all need fixing
Yet the headlines are dominated by Angelina, that vixen!

Ted Haggert fell and Rep. Mark Foley cried,
They both wanted Lance Bass, who told Reichen, "Bye, Bye, Bye"
Anna Nicole, now what's that girl to do?
A birth, death, and marriage all in a week, or was it two?

And then, in a twinkling, Madonna tried to adopt
Paperwork, protests, and legalese is where she got caught.
A bundle of e coli was spread through the land,
In spinach, lettuce, strawberries, and Taco Bell brands.

The next time I'm told to eat healthy I'll jeer,
"Why, do you want me to croak before next year?"

And so the year has come to an end; like Castro, Rumsfeld, Anniston and Vaughn,
Much of the news just made me yawn.
But I heard Bush exclaim as 2006 flew out of sight,
I'm staying in Iraq, and maybe in 2007 I'll get it right!

on my radar: christmas carol's

Ah, it's the most wonderful time of the year! Not yet December and I'm already sick of Christmas carols! As I was frantically reaching to twist the dial before another rendition of "White Christmas" could escape the woofers and tweeters, I found myself reinterpreting the lyrics to the classic, "Do they know it's Christmas?"...with a "current events" spin...

"It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid (unless you are an 88 year old woman in ATL or a groom-to-be in Queens, NYC).
At Christmas time, we let in Democrats yet Kerry's 2008 hopes fade
And with Iraq's bounty of oil, we can spread a smile of joy, as gas prices soar at Christmas time!

But say a prayer (cuz Britney's single again)
At Christmas time it's hard when your war has come undone
There's a world outside your window (for orphans being whisked from Malawi)
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of Falcon's fan tears
And the Christmas bells that ring are Kid Rock's wedding bell blues
Well tonight thank God it's Pamela Anderson instead of you!

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time (it's all in Seattle)
The greatest gift Iraqi's will gets this year is life
Where nothing ever grows (but our budget deficit)
No rain or rivers flow (except for in Seattle)
Do Borat's relatives celebrate Christmas time?

Here's to Clay raise a glass (and clean hand) for everyone
Here's to Kelly wondering where it's been
Does Rosie knows it's Christmas time at all?

Feed Nicole Richie
Feed the supermodels

Feed Nicole Richie
Let them know it's mealtime again!"

on my radar: oprah's favorite things

Just in time for the holidays!

Every year new behaviors emerge, some take hold, like expecting a crappy "big name musician" to sing Christmas carols and steal the 10 bucks that it costs to buy the sucker (if you haven't downloaded it already) or suing "Borat" and become traditions, but some just never get the foothold to become a tradition like "cranberries and stuffing" flavored soda to be served with thanksgiving dinner or Justin Guarini becoming a music star, and wither away after just one season.

Older-aged white woman everywhere, Michael Richards, and a few minorities (but not rap artists) mark the end of November as that most Oprah-rific tradition time of the year, when "The Lady O" dons the guise of all three wise-people and imparts the gift of expensive gift giving ideas (but no Hermes scarves!) to her audience around the globe.

This year, Gayle's missus even out did herself, rolling her favorite things episode with her book club recommendation into one crazy show..."Oprah's favorite book and gifts suggestions" show.

Oprah stunned the crowd when she not only announced her new book, but also introduced the author, live on TV, OJ Simpson and his psuedo-biography "If I did it"; "take that James Frey", OJ said a he entered the studio.

After gushing about how "imaginative" OJ must have been to write this book, Oprah introduced, and gave each member of the audience (no Goldman or Brown family member were able to claim prizes. If you can't receive the civil judgement award, why get Oprah's?) "her favorite things" as selected by OJ and featured in the book, such as:

Bruno Magli shoes
leather gloves that don't fit
bloodstained clothes
White Broncos
support letter from Michael Jackson
and some clumps of hair and blood stuck on a knife

When wrapping the show, OJ hinted that this was just the start of a book series he will be writing called..."If...." with future titles like, "If I shot Lincoln", " If I kidnapped the Lindberg baby", If I shot Jack Ruby", and most compelling "If I ran the Zoo" and "If I told the truth".

All featured items can be found on Oprah's website, "Giving OJ wings network".

on my radar: wonderbread

~Save the music, reject the whitebread~

There are countless things in life I don't get; if I had to keep track of them, I'd say I'm nearing the two thousand mark, give or take a few hundred. See, I look up stuff if I don't understand it and I read lots of nerdy things that helps me, more or less, keep my "finger on the pulse" of things, but then I spent several years at Backstreet and that wipes out some of my knowledge, and in a pinch, I make things up, which then may be catalogued as fact in my brain when it's really just a "Bush or Rumsfeld-ism", so when it's all said and done (phew) my math (old math- just fingers and toes) puts me somewhere near the 2,000 mark. Oh yeah, tangents can also distract me from fully counting up to the actual number of things I don't get...one thousand three hundred four, one thousand three hundred five, one thousand...LaLinsey just called Paris a what???!!! Damn, where was I?

See, I just get so damn distracted, but my point is, and I'll starting the counting over again...points 1 and 2 of things I just don't get...John Mayer and (gasp) The Dave Matthews Band (DMB- whatever). No need to defend them, their music pukes for itself.

They say Wonderbread has no value..."Save the Music, reject the whitebread".

on my radar: a fable

Her blood-red nails strummed rapidly against her expansive chin; powdered and overly made-up, her look created a reaction that encouraged others to stay away, thus creating yet another layer between her and the world around her. But what need did she really have for this world? It's not where she belonged; she resided here to find the acceptance she could never obtain from her own people and to defeat the nemesis that refused to be destroyed.

Thus she struggled to fit in: the surroundings, the industry, and chiefly, her skin. She was bothered this night and you could tell. Her glare could melt the flesh of another if she didn't break away her gaze. How tempted she was to unleash that power on the twit that just took her trophy. She felt the rumbling in her stomach; a hunger that had been fed a steady diet of gin and regrets all-night, tempered only by the bitter salty tears that she drank in to quench her thirst and quell her appetite. She was hungry for revenge- she didn't like people taking what she thought was rightfully hers.

With the commercial break over and the audience beckoning, she began the transformation, shifting her shape to fit the image they all still saw, the image she believed would get her the reward she sought, the Grammy. But the spell was breaking, more of her true self was showing, she hoped they'd all just chalk it up to weight gain... Ursula (queen of the world under the sea) once again transfigured into Mariah.

on my radar: the republican way

This week it appears the Democrats are scoring one of their "best weeks ever"; Republicans, not so much. If I may borrow from my sweet Celia, about the only Bush supporter who came out better on Wednesday was Britney Spears; not only did she fight against the Defense of Marriage Act, she now will only use UPS for her shipping needs, seeing how Kevin is now the Fed-ex (sorry Todd).

Other scuttlebutt to deal with since the elections: the White House will only be serving vodka (but none to Laura if she's in a driving mood, or the girls!) now that's there's no more Rummy.
The elections also put a few more (non-Congressional) people out of work, namely liberal comedians. The Daily News was considering switching to Rush Limbaugh (yet another sad attempt to become relevant, seeing how taking on Canadian's with disabilities didn't go over too well) but the honchos figured the Democrats will do enough stupid things to keep John Stewart busy and "Rush" really isn't one without his oxycotin supply (and no one can find that maid to get it filled for him).

And well hey, while talking about winning and losing contests, here's Faith Hill with her tips for losing gracefully while on camera....oops, wait, where'd she go?

on my radar: OEDIPUS RETCHES

Why does Alabama get such a bad rap?
Alabama teen charged with raping his mom

So few words are needed after seeing the headline...YUCK!!!

The key points to this story:
2 brothers are fighting over a girl.
One brother decides to get back at the other brother
He heads home to the trailer park
49 year old mom is passed out drunk on couch...
She wakes up
he's not done
she struggles
he finishes

police are called...

yuck...I need to go wash my typing fingers.

on my radar: pact with the devil

Assessing the landscape of current events and pop culture it appears that there is a new Dorian Grey in our midst's, or is it better to reference this person as the Faust of our day? He can, seemingly, do no wrong and yet everyone who has been around him and left his company, can do no right; one might become suspicious that the devil might be at play with this young'ens career (no, I'm not referring to the creator of Ugg's or a certain "adopted" Malawian child). Has Justin Timberlake sold his soul to the Prada wearing devil for a golden career?

Justin Timberlake seems impervious to misfortune: he's got a hit song and cd, has a hot $20 million-dollar babe of a girlfriend, has several movies coming out, a clothing line, and can even start imitating Wacko-Jacko and not be ridiculed!!! What gives?

Let's look at the facts, while he thrives, his ex's barely survive:

Britney, now with K-joke, enough said.
NSYNC? Where they go? Out of step I'd say.
Lance Bass: first he can't get a shuttle ride to the moon, now he's gay (not that there's anything wrong with it) and stuck with money/publicity hungry Reichen.
And let's not forget Janet (although much of the world appears to have...) On public TV he gets to second base with her and now she can't even get a hit. While Justin has the world singing "Sexyback", Janet's wishing someone would help get her career back.

So you tell me, is it all coincidence, or is there devil's play in God's country?

on my radar: shopping trips

Theologians across the country are watching the criminal proceedings in Utah this week, observing if further erosion of church versus state will occur in the Redd vs. Redd charges.

The accused, Julia and Leumel Redd, parents of the plaintiff, Julianna Redd-Myers, have been charged with the kidnapping of their daughter on the day before her wedding. Mrs. and Mr. Redd fooled Julianna into believing they were going shopping and instead kidnapped her and drove to Colorado in hopes of stopping her from marrying Perry Myers.

The Mormon family has cited freedom from criminal persecution under the division of church and state; they claim there is a little know verse in the book of Mormon that justifies their actions and thus they should be free from the criminal process. The passage, 'thou shall not do stupid things", as interpreted by the Redd's includes kidnapping of-legal age children to enforce their own will. Julianna, 21, capable of making her own decisions has also interpreted the verse and has pressed charges against her parents, stating, "I hope they will get help".

In unrelated news, George H. and Barbara Bush, noting the recent polls, have decided to make a surprise visit to Washington, DC. and visit their son George W.. They say they'd like to take him on a little shopping trip...

on my radar: wham's rap

Rep. Mark Foley denies having written any emails to George Michael. This comes after claims that George Michael was simply awaiting a text message back from Rep. Foley when he fell asleep at the wheel of his car, in a suburb of Northern London last evening; never mind the fact that this is the fourth occurrence of this erratic behavior in the past 8 months. Friends of George Michael secretly fear he is desperately trying to win the role of James Dean in an upcoming Hollywood biography, and thus continues to emulate scenes from Dean's last moments alive. Reality: no such movie is being made.

Regardless of the circumstances of these incidents, Mel Gibson has reached out to George Michael to find out what exactly he has been taking that allows him to go for a drive and then fall asleep before the police find him.

Note: it would have been way too easy to title this "George's friend urge him to wake up before he go-go's."

on my radar: spinach!

Farmer's who grow spinach have decided to repackage their product with a picture of Popeye stating the tag line, "what doesn't kill ya only makes you stronger". Dallas Cowboy's player Terrell Owens had been up for the spokesperson role, but seeing how doctors have just confirmed that his last night's dinner recipe was a spinach and ambient casserole, they have thought better of it. There's currently no proof that the casserole was made by none other than Donovan McNabb's mother; although an empty Chunky Soup label was found in the garbage can at T.O's home.

In other news, the Bush Administration has sent over tons of spinach to Venezuelan President Chavez's and to Fidel Castro, wishing them both good healthy and speedy recoveries

on my radar: the revenge of suave

Long ago, in a decade far removed from this one, suave roamed the land. Suave was everywhere, it could be seen in Miami, Milan, NYC, LA, and Rome; but then one day, like TANG, the pet rock craze or Paulie Shore's popularity, it was gone. Silent tears were shed down the faces of linguists everywhere; teenage girls, confused with the marked similarity in names, threw themselves at Rico Suave believing him to be the new suave messiah. Alas, they were wrong (thank god). Where had all the suave gone? Some though it had just relocated into hair care products, but It was so much more than just a brand name shampoo! Suave was a lifestyle word gone awol! So where did it go? What happened to suave?

Police today discovered a bunker out behind Justin Timberlake's backyard. It seems suave was kidnapped somewhere in the early 90's and has been living off of Swanson frozen dinners and Jell-o packets ever since. As best the investigator's can tell, Justin has been plotting and scheming to bring sexy back (also lost for awhile after Rod Stewart's flame extinguished) since leaving the Mickey Mouse Club and Britney Spear's. And by taking suave out of the picture, nothing but bootylicous was gonna stop him

Well, sexy is back, but now that suave has been rescued, Justin's got one pissed suave ready to pounce! And don't be surprised if it shows up in a shopping center near you! Suave does what sexy does, for half the price!

on my radar: busted!

Rocked by yet another celebrity arrest, Hollywood is bracing itself for the purported secret-video tape and audio that were filmed during the Paris Hilton DUI pull-over last Wednesday night.

Suspecting the heiress to be under the influence, police administered a sobriety test. Upon placing the breath analyzer tube into Ms. Hilton's mouth she began to rant and rave about the shortcomings of her previous boyfriends. Police attempted to calm her down and get her to unclench her teeth from the tube, but she wouldn't relent. One of the officers at the scene said she looked just like she did in her home video "One Night in Paris", only more sober. Video tape (leaked onto the internet) shows the police finally resorting to force to get her to let go of the tube in her mouth; they sprayed her with water. Climbing on top of the hood of her vehicle, ala her Carl's Jr. hamburger commercial, Paris, drenched, finally spewed the tube from her glossy lips and started into a profanity-laced tirade.

The targets of her attacks were croc shoes and Mel Gibson movies. "Those damn bright red shoes remind me of a naked Linsey Lohan!" she shouted. "Croc's are a crock of fashion crap! No one sane would ever willingly wear them!" she huffed."And all of Mel Gibson's movies suck more than I even do, except for the "Mad Max" and "What Women Want", " she was also quoted as saying.

There have been some rumors that Nicole Richie was seeing driving by and waving to the police, snapping pictures of Paris in cuffs.

Lesson learned for a simple life: stars may be blind, but they best not drive drunk!

on my radar: trade talks

After months of hush-hush negotiations, it appears a deal has been made to resolve the long standing debts of Michael Jackson. Joe and Katherine Jackson announced from their home today that they have just concluded a deal that would trade Michael Jackson, what's left of his music catalogue, and all his debt and legal issues to the Timberlake family in exchange for accepting Justin as their new son.

Rumors have been rampant about some sort of trade in the works; initially it was believed to be a Lance Bass for Michael swap until Reichen showed up on the scene. Insiders have noted that Justin's increasingly eclectic way of dressing, falsetto hitting notes, and tanned skin have made him a shoo-in for the trade. In fact, during Justin's latest photo shoot, in which he wore a hat and polka dotted cravat, many gawkers believed that, having finally achieved the skin bleaching success he has always desired, they were watching Michael, not Justin!

Katherine Jackson couldn't be more pleased, she said, "with Justin in our family, we'll have a new generation of screaming boys playing in our house!"

The only dissenting vote came from LaToya, who moped around, whining about "needing another bleaching and nose job to stay the whitest". Janet couldn't be immediately reached, but her press secretary said it does make the Super Bowl incident feel "a little more normal, now that Justin is family, we've always been tight-knit".

Jermaine is just happy that someone is finally bringing sexy back into the Jackson family!

Don't be surprised if the Cruise-Holmes child is next!

on my radar: snacks on a plane

Do you suffer from any of the following maladies:

-the terror of stale peanut butter crackers and peanut allergies
-the immobilizing panic from broken Sunchips
-Biscoff packaging that can not be broken open by anyone over age 5
-anxiety over what will be left on the tray when the attendants get to row 45

If you said yes to any of the above conditions, then you most likely suffer from airline induced, "snacks on a plane" phobia.

Initially identified in the late 80's with seasoned business travelers, this increasingly diagnosed phobia appears to be striking virtually all airline passengers by 2006. Symptoms can include: growling stomachs, bitchy attitudes, light headedness, and frequent inquiries as to "are we almost there", "is there anything to eat", and "is that all" and the ever present concern of starving before reaching one's destination.

Currently, the only cure appears to be packing a non-liquid meal before you go, fasting in silence, driving your own happy-ass to wherever you need to go, or Samuel L. Jackson being on your flight and demanding to be brought "more m@!*%!f----- snacks on his m-*@-f----ing plane!"

on my radar: drug testing

The International Federation of Political Performance Reviews (IFPPR) has reversed its earlier decision to not drug test US Sec.of State Condelezza Rice over her recent performance during the Middle East crisis. "This should not come as a surprise to anyone," Dr. Uri Taint'd said as he met with journalist earlier today. "Usually every major politician is tested when they perform within the arena of international politics; regardless of the outcome of their performance. Just because Ms. Rice has failed to make any significant improvement to the situation does not preclude her from being under the influence of (political) performance enhancing drugs," Mr. Taint'd said. President Bush has balked at the testing, stating, “Condi hasn’t done a single thing (to warrant testing)!” Recent US polls tend to support him on that assertion, with most American’s agreeing, “..she hasn’t done a single thing…”.

The last known, and uncontested, positive drug-test dates back into the early Sixties when during a stellar performance of pounding his shoe on the podium during a UN meeting, Mr. Khrushchev's blood was found to be way over the legal limit of political testosterone. Because of his failure to pass the drug-test and the mounting cold war between Russia and the US, the US was granted one political coup, which was quickly used less than a year later, during the Cuban Missile crisis, when the US successfully enforced an embargo of Cuba by Soviet ships.

on my radar: fashion

The devil may wear Prada, but does he look good in it?

Just because Prada makes a $350, non-waterproof, square cut swim suit, does it really mean it should be worn at every aquatic/sunbathing social function? Me thinks not! Or the southern equivalent: owning a cowboy hat is one thing, wearing it all the time is a no-no! And to combine the two “styles” into one look…Edith Head is rolling over in her grave! Thou shalt not dress with a “devil may care” attitude! Fashion waits for no one, she barely explains herself, and rarely does she fit!

There's a huge difference between owning fashion and knowing fashion! I see those Olsen twins on the sidelines of the catwalks all the time, but when they go walking about town wearing grannies handmade afghan blanket as a shawl, it don't make it right! And even if you stuck a Marc Jacobs label on it, thou shalt not make it vogue! Lil' Kim (or, more appropriately Mo'Kim) is a fixture at FashionWeek, but like trying to place a magnet onto enamel, fashion sense just don't stick to her- about the only thing that does are pasties and gangsters. She has pushed fashion backwards in the same way that Calista Flockhart pushes her chair away from a buffet.

So with all this turmoil about what the devil is wearing, just remember,” what looks good to one may not look good on another”…case in point alligator; so ugly in the wild, but so chic on a catwalk…

on my radar: gossip

Today President Bush signed an agreement to create an investigative committee to look into the ongoing failure tabloid magazines to break really good gossip. 'We all hate them, but we all read them," he mumbled on his way to Camp Crawford, his playground away from the press and reality."I just don't get how all of a sudden Lance Bass is gay and no one was saying that before; this has really been tearing up Jenna's heart," Bush continued, "she(Jenna) was so into them during the "No String's Attached" days.

The President said, "It's not like we all didn't see the Star Jones thing a mile away, and when I'm not stuck watching the middle east reports, I've watched Oprah enough to know she's gonna say she ain't dating Gayle (we all know Condi is, though...), so that's not news, but where was the tabloid paparazzi when Lance is kissing and fighting with Reichen? Are they too busy filming "bad parent" Britney driving poorly or almost dropping the baby? Those shots are a dime a dozen these days..."

"I know how to eavesdrop on a nation and get away with it, laws be damned!" Mr.Bush concluded, "so why can't the National Enquirer or US Weekly figure it out! That's why I am creating this committee!" Once I get to the bottom of this, I'm going to invade Paris and take on the Tour De France!

on my radar: drama queens

Carson Kressley: sashay aside.
Elton John: you’ve been demoted.
Tom Cruise: don’t bother.

Seems like there’s a new crop of drama queens on the scene and they’ve landed in the most unexpected place (besides the new edition of Merriam’s dictionary, along with unibrow and mouse potato for starters): major league sports. No, this ain’t your run of the mill whiner, this is classic grade “A” bad acting, injury faking, scene-stealing, and “dive” taking that can only be found in one place, but oh how common it is in this location, the soccer field. I finally know why a soccer field is dubbed a “pitch”, because once you step onto it, you are almost 100% likely to pitch a fit within the next 90 minutes of regulation play!

The last time I saw someone fake emotions as well as the soccer players faked injuries was when I was watching Michael Jackson kiss Lisa Marie on MTV (and trust me, no one bought that either!). Having just been exposed to World Cup play, I never realized how much acting goes into playing; you can’t get away with that in football (American, that is)! When’s the last time you saw a football player get loaded onto a stretcher only to jump back off it and get back into the game? It was downright amusing to see how these people worked the system to: slow the game, stop momentum, or just get a water break, by way of faking a foul.

Maybe I can try that at work sometime when I am afraid of missing a deadline. I can see it now, I’ll just crumple over and cry till I get an extension. If not, I could always headbutt the person and receive an extra “vacation day”. Good way of getting out of the work.

Other things I learned by watching World Cup: I need to take my clothes off more when I celebrate. Hugging men is okay if done in a sports arena. Tailgating ain’t nothing compared to what soccer fans do. Soccer’s one of the true sports where you have to be in-shape to play. They still have funny rules. Size doesn’t always matter (little countries can pull big upsets)!

Travel tips for Dallas Austin

Traveling tips for hitmaker Dallas Austin:

When traveling to Dubai to celebrate Naomi Campbell’s birthday in the United Arab Emirate’s skeikdom, remember that it’s Kate Moss who likes cocaine! And if you are dumb enough to travel with cocaine, and it’s not going to be given as a present, use it up before entering the country!

If you opt not to follow the directions offered above, pack a few extra clothes! One weekend “blow” out equals two months of jail time (minus a 4-year sentence when pardoned by the ruler).

When apologizing for being caught with cocaine in a foreign nation, realize that when you apologize and say, “I did not mean to break the rules of this country”, drugs are virtually illegal anywhere you might ever visit! And, it’s good to know that although you broke Dubai’s strict drug laws, possession also breaks the US drug laws…but I’m sure he knew that.

If you visit Pakistan with drugs, and get caught, and get thrown into jail, beware: you may wake up with a light bulb in your rectum (true story- not mine!).( Reuters) Updated: 4:40 a.m. ET July 3, 2006, MULTAN, Pakistan - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass light bulb in his anus. No telling how many people it took to screw it in…

If you visit North Korea, stay away from bomb jokes while going through security.( North Korea defends its missile tests and promises more to come, but U.S. officials tell CNN there are no signs that Pyongyang is preparing to launch another long-range Taepodong missile.

If you visit Russia, make sure your belly is clean if you meet with President Putin (he may try to kiss it) (MOSCOW, Russia (Reuters) -- Vladimir Putin's decision to stop a small boy as he walked through the Kremlin and kiss his stomach was prompted by a desire to "touch him like a kitten," the Russian president said on Thursday.

And just in general, don’t hang out with “freebird” Lil’ Kim (although jail time has certainly made “lil” somewhat of a misnomer). Your momma would tell you that much!

on my radar: who's that girl?

The enigma of Britney:
Can she be that stupid? Doesn't she know better? Will she ever learn? Is a man's character ok because, "he's got a good heart"- even when he's proving to be an ass over and over?

Like any daytime soap opera, Britney continues to keep you guessing what she'll do, or say, next...it's just alluring enough to keep track of her, but you certainly don't want all the details! Skimming "US" or "People" while you wait in the grocery store line is sufficient reading and engagement of your thoughts while you wait, but god forbid you be caught buying the rag!

Maybe the real reason we seem to still pay (some) attention to her so called life is that she reminds of us of someone; her antics and mishaps touch close enough to home that she reflects what we see in her to that person we know; the one that baffles us as to how they can still be breathing and functioning (and chomping down on that gum!). She's past "our" point of help, but you still watch, wondering if she's going to get it right and pull herself together (and NOT drop the baby!). And yet she just doesn't get it...she acts like she's still in high school, but she's an adult (with a child; best momma plans now for therapy later!)!

And slowly we lose faith(?) and interest in her; you realize money can buy a lot, but it can't buy what she so desperately needs most, "common sense and maturity".

But like she says (while driving with a baby in her lap)..."we do things this way, we're from the South"...and the whole South collectively shudders..."...one more time".

on my radar: hannah and her walnuts

The 50 foot woman attacks a 40 foot walnut tree and everybody wins!

Darryl Hannah, direly seeking a hit film, or ounce of publicity, makes a “Splash” as an eco-activist (or more literally, a tree-hugger) in L.A..
Development, once again, has threatened an “urban garden” in the City of Angels (and devils); to protest against the planned destruction, Ms. Hannah deftly climbed into a walnut tree located on the said property and refused to be ‘toppled’ down until she finished her Starbuck’s latte.

Police, fearing another bad rap for how they have handled criminals, agreed to allow Ms. Hannah’s hair and makeup people to attend to her, prior to her arrest. Unique to the rest of the world, but old hat to folks in L.A. was the ability for the semi-star to submit her own glamour shot for her police mug shot. Additionally, her agent was on-hand, “just incase anyone wanted to drop off scripts to the actress”. Her handcuffs will be available on Ebay as a collector’s item shortly.

Of course, this all begs the question, “if a bad actress falls out of a walnut tree and no press is there to capture the footage, does anyone really care?”

Sadly, we will never know

on my radar: hurricane season

Hurricane Season: Does this refer to:

A) Carolina’s Hurricane’s going for the Stanley Cup?
B) Fans of U of Miami cheering on football’s spring training?
C) Something FEMA dreads?
D) Something to do with something not sports or weather related.
E) Happy Hour in New Orleans

The answer is C.

While the rest of the world was basking in the glow of the golden child (Shiloh Pitt) or rooting for their World Cup team, something snuck up the west coast of Florida. No, it’s not Katherine Harris in a new makeover, it Alberto, the first named storm of the 2006 season! This is what puzzles me more than the career of Lindsay Lohan; after such a nasty season last year, hasn't anyone learned how to better predict storms? How does a storm go from not even being called a storm (just a depression- how sad!) yesterday to a virtual hurricane less than 24 hours later? The folks at the Weather Channel seriously doubted that the depression would even reach storm status yesterday…now they are flying the red flags.

Wouldn't it be nice if all of our jobs allowed for the same type of variance when it comes to getting our work done accurately: the realtor who sells you a small condo when you have five kids, the doctor who amputates the whole finger to get at that nasty hang nail, the maintenance man who claims the hotel hot tub was just cleaned and you find a hairball in the drain, or the florist who sends the wrong flowers to wrong address. Why do we have to be so exact? Why don’t they? Is their pay on a sliding-scale based on accuracy?

I've always loved meteors, maybe I should look into becoming a meteorologist!

on my radar: ancient ruins

Archeologist are celebrating the discovery of the remains of what appears to be a 3000 year old Roman noblewoman.

Funny, last night I was able to simply turn on CNN and discover the remains of two people who out date the Roman find: Larry King and Elizabeth Taylor. Geologist have confirmed that Larry King is in fact still alive and not related to an ancient dinosaur known as "a relevant reporter". Oprah Winfrey has been rumored to have taken a hit out on the old fella, claiming he is cutting into her main demographics, hip-hop artists and elderly white women. Oprah was quoted as saying, "something has got to give, and up to now, it has been his seven wives...and his memory". Ms. Taylor on the other hand (and some 15 marriages between the two) was confirmed by the American Gemologist Association (and Tom Shane) to be "as old as her Hope Diamond, and just as sparkling!"

It was sad to note that during their interview Larry King made it known that he had no idea what a tiara was (does he even know where he is???). I guess that means he's going to have to start watching Anderson Cooper!

on my radar: nobel oprah?

There is a push to get Ms. Winfrey the 2006 Nobel Prize for Peace.

That's nice and everything, but unless she can film the ceremony for a TV special, to be aired at a later date, on ABC, and NOT be bumped for a presidential speech, I don't think it will be a go. Would Halle Berry star as Oprah?

She could invite musical guests (and past nominee's) Bono and Bob Geldoff to serenade her, but don't think for a moment that Fiddy cent, Ice Cube, or Ludarcis will be there in the audience- those seats will be saved for the, "rich white older ladies that she caters to.." or so the latest hip-hop rumor goes. And actually, it'd be Rachel Ray who'd do the catering.

The real question is, does Oprah deserve it? Kristie Alley, live from her newly remodeled home (and Jenny Craig body) says yes! All those folks who have driven away in new car say yes! Dr. Phil says, "now wait just a minute...err, Yes!" Infact, outside of hip-hop stars, Texas beef cattlers, and Hermes employees, all the world says yes! Get off the couch Tom, we see you support her.

Screw "The Color Purple" Tony nominations, just give Oprah the Nobel Peace Prize!

on my radar: keith richards

It's taken a coconut tree to do what no other drug has been able to do: slow Keith Richards down.

The Rolling Stones deny that Richards has suffered any brain damage from his fall. True, I am sure it all happened years before he fell out of the coconut tree. While he is under doctors care, and legal medication (for once), I hope they search to find out what has grown in in the place of his kidney and liver; those organs took a hike a long time ago.

There's no truth to the rumor that during his physical doctors help sedate him by diluting his IV with Jack Daniel's; it was definitely tequila. Doctors did discover the Nelson twins residing in his hair when they were finally able to wash and run a comb through Keith's mangy mane.
Ozzie and Harriet can now rest at ease knowing their grandchildren have been found.

bird flu plans

The government is looking out for you when it comes to bird flu; yes, this is the same government that has you covered when disasters happen, so, I feel about as safe and secure as a Mississippi homeowner who lived in the path of Katrina…and is still waiting on assistance.

It is interesting to note that FEMA, the department that is supposed to plan for and react in emergencies, was not the agency that developed the bird flu guidelines. What are they doing these days, trying to hang the ‘Mission Accomplished” banner across the Gulf States?

Regardless, Georgie wants you safe, and so he’s doing something about it! His first efforts to stave off the avian flu are to reduce the number of birds in America; all condors, spotted owls, and bald eagles are off the endangered species list. Additionally, because influenza is so high communicable, he will no longer allow birds to be show in theaters or on television; Daffy Duck, Foghorn Leghorn, Tweety, and Big Bird have all been quarantined till further notice. Government watchdog groups have are also keeping an eye out to see if “W” tries to erase any historical/political references to Dan Quayle’s bungled service under his fathers time in office.
Finally, it is to be noted that the president “really wants the Republicans to win” in the Fall elections or else he will become a lame duck president and be more susceptible to catching the flu.

In related news, the president’s approval ratings have gotten so low that now more people are willing to catch the bird flu than those who approve of the presidents job performance (Laura wasn’t polled).

Can this marriage be saved?

I’m going to bat and I’m using the Defense of Marriage Act as my weapon of choice.

The Bush Administration has to stay together! The Republicans keep fighting to make it harder to get out (or in) of a union, so why not apply that stringency to their own alliance? Why can’t we force the team that’s now got a 33% approval ratings to stick it out? Why are we letting Scott McClelland just cut bait and run? Why not put Brownie back on the dole?

The White House shake-up is ruining the lives of millions (or already has….); think of the children! How many kids are straddling that thin line between life and death; worried about what their two daddy’s and one mommy are going to do (talk about Big Love!)? No fears troops, Pops Rumsfeld and Ma Rice are still hanging with the main “W” homey! For now…

Donny Rumsfeld should be moved in to shore up the press and keep an eye on just who gets journalist credentials. What’s up with Paula Abdul going all postal on Bush and Hu Jintao at the big Chinese greeting yesterday? She had to be off her meds to mistake them stiff suits for Randy and Simon! She sure looked crazy and sounded like she was speaking in tongues; see what working next to Simon can do to you!

Oh, for extra credit, could Laura (or Jenna or Barbara just for kicks) please explain the difference between Taiwan and China to someone at the White House before the next egg roll on the front lawn?

Anyhow, these Republican’s need to keep it together…it’s so much easier to hit a moving (faltering?) target when it’s bigger!

on my radar: katie!

Katie Couric is everywhere.

The Homeland Security head even debated raising the threat level to a red at the announcement of Katie’s departure from NBC. “Initial fears that Bryant Gumbel would return to replace her made us briefly consider bringing out the National Guard”, Chertoff was quoted.

In related news, Iran has confirmed it’s capabilities of creating low-grade nuclear energy. Their minister of defense claims that (Iran) is acting within its rights as a sovereign nation to protect itself against the perceived threats from the influences of western culture, namely, Katie Couric. “If you (the US) can’t contain her to early morning TV, why should Iran have to fear for its nightly news?” the Ayatollah asked.

And in other related news, sadly, the White House continues to claim “it never saw this coming, and we know wire tapping!”

on my radar: March Madness

Underachievers and slackers alike bemoan March Madness, version 2006.

For those who have never really amounted to much, the NCAA “dance” allows them to feel like an athlete for 3 weeks without the slightest of efforts. It’s their chance to shine, but not sweat. It’s that month of glory that enables geeks to say, ‘I too can read a sports page and act like I know sports and put a bracket together.”

With the right guesses and ample bottles of beer in the fridge, millions of has-beens can once again feel like a winner without ever having to heed the urge to aim higher, run faster, or go further; all these weekend warriors need is just a little luck (much like the George Mason Patriots). The only irony here is that the little team that could (the George Mason Patriots) has wiped out virtually everybody’s brackets, and now, for all those couch potatoes who dreamt that their bracket choices could turn them into the “3-6-Mafia” of March Madness, instead finds themselves in the shoes of Dolly Parton- a shoo-in as a winner, yet nothing to show for it!

My Coke Rewards

Curiosity got the best of me...
If you've been watching March Madness, Coca-Cola has been running ads for their website that links you to "coke rewards". This website, "mycokerewards.com", permits loyal buyers to go and see if they have won instant prizes hidden under the caps of their soda.

When I went to "mycokerewards.com", this is what I found:

The grand prize links you to an ebay account where John Delorean is selling one of his automobiles.

Runner-up prizes include:
1. A copy of Kate Moss's cancelled modeling contracts
2. A signed bankruptcy fore closure notice from Tom Sizemore
3. A list of all of Robert Downey Jr.'s movie credits (two from "Less Than Zero"!)
4. Boy George's frock with "surprise baggies in the pockets"
5. A roster of the NBA and each players police report, courtesy of "thesmokinggun.com"
6. A glass pipe with Whitney Houston's lipstick streaked on it
7. A bloody Kleenex from Axl Rose

Ah, these rewards are "the real thing!"

Domestic Disputes

Although the government seems to have extracted itself from turbulent waters (or ports to be more exact) in the last few days, there still seems to be an alarming rise in domestic disputes going on.

No one blinks when you hear about Bobby Brown being arrested, AGAIN, these days. The fact thats he's got more mug shots of him than a 4A high school has of students is what should be disturbing! The question about his latest incident is how in the world could he go for over 14 years from the time of the crime to finally being arrested for it? He's not Houdini, he's not low profile, and he doesn't play off as being all that bright; so is it the police we blame? If it's the police, and they can't even catch up with Bobby Brown, how do we expect them to sniff out terrorists? Suddenly I don't feel so safe any more! Thank you very much Bobby!

And what about Yanni? I had to read that twice! "Yanni held in a domestic violence dispute". What did he do, abuse her with boredom and pan flutes? Is playing too much elevator music in the kitchen akin to assault with a dull object? Why do I see throw pillows, long wavy white shirts, and smoldering incense candles as part of the crime scene?

And then you get news that David Hasselhoff is at it too! What did he do, make his wife watch "Baywatch" and listen to his cd's? Did he snap when she mixed his red life guard shorts with her whites and turned everything pink? Or did she just tell him he was lame and he couldn't handle it?

Maybe the new line of thinking is, "if Cheney can do it, why can't I?...I mean, I didn't use a gun.