An ode to a certain someone who landed community service (mowing lawns) for her crime:
Her overall’s are dingy grey
Her cold feet were a surprise
Is that the runaway bride in guise?
The lawn mower person’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.
She’ll turn on you
To marry here, you’d have to think twice
She been busted for lying
The lawn-mower person’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.
And she’ll tease you
She’ll unease you
All the better to confuse you
She’s precocious
Her stories are just a bluff
Even cut her hair off
The lawnmower person is in disguise
But she’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes…
She’ll run away from home
She a risk to flight
In a split second she’s gone
Running across the country in guise
She’ll take a tumble on you
Gambling on love is her fiancés vice
She went to Vegas too
She’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes
TV exposed her
When she snowed you
With the stories that she told you
She ferocious
All the stories she told were bogus
Even tho’ she pulls her hat down to disguise
We all see those wild Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Tuesday's SVU
The following is an actual call received on the Beverly Hills Police Special Victims Unit (SVU) phone line. (Editor’s note: in Beverly Hills, “special” means exactly that; the phone number special people call is “STAR-9-1-1”, because they are one!).
Caller: “Damn it! Is there someone there who can help! Help Me!”
Dispatcher: what is the problem madam?
C: “they are everywhere! They are stalking me!”
D: “Who is madam? Are these people trying to hurt you?”
C: “Yes! They are hurting me worse than bad ratings!”
D: “How are they hurting you?”
C: “I have good days, but then I have some bad days, too…they hurt me most on the bad days!”
D ”Are these people in your home with you?
C: “Yes!! Yes they are! They are everywhere! They are staring right at me, on the cover of “W”, “GQ”, and “Vanity Fair”.
(at this point a n SVU specialist is brought in to handle the crisis)
D: “AM I speaking with Jennifer Anniston?”
C: ”Yes! Yes you are!”
D: “ Jennifer, this is Tom Cruise, and I want to help you!”
C: “NO! No not you! You won’t offer me drugs to relieve my pain!”
D: “ Jennifer, or may I call you Rachel, you sound stressed- what is in your diet these days and how often are you working out? Have you heard of Scientology?”
D: “Hi Jenn- can I call you that, Jenn? This is Paula Abdul working the lines tonight and I am here to help you! I am going to buy you a cell phone so you can always reach me when you need help or drugs to help ease your pain! I am forever your girlfriend!”
(this call was soon terminated when several reports came in (falsely) that Aquaman was sleeping with the fish again….)
Caller: “Damn it! Is there someone there who can help! Help Me!”
Dispatcher: what is the problem madam?
C: “they are everywhere! They are stalking me!”
D: “Who is madam? Are these people trying to hurt you?”
C: “Yes! They are hurting me worse than bad ratings!”
D: “How are they hurting you?”
C: “I have good days, but then I have some bad days, too…they hurt me most on the bad days!”
D ”Are these people in your home with you?
C: “Yes!! Yes they are! They are everywhere! They are staring right at me, on the cover of “W”, “GQ”, and “Vanity Fair”.
(at this point a n SVU specialist is brought in to handle the crisis)
D: “AM I speaking with Jennifer Anniston?”
C: ”Yes! Yes you are!”
D: “ Jennifer, this is Tom Cruise, and I want to help you!”
C: “NO! No not you! You won’t offer me drugs to relieve my pain!”
D: “ Jennifer, or may I call you Rachel
D: “Hi Jenn- can I call you that, Jenn? This is Paula Abdul working the lines tonight and I am here to help you! I am going to buy you a cell phone so you can always reach me when you need help or drugs to help ease your pain! I am forever your girlfriend!”
(this call was soon terminated when several reports came in (falsely) that Aquaman was sleeping with the fish again….)
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Tuesday's Family Plan
It’s seems everybody in the business world is trying to jump onto the “employee discount plan”, where you get the same pricing that employees of the company receive.
Sure that makes sense in the automotive industry, but what would happen if you extended something similar to this to the airline industry? What if we all got to experience the same glamorous workday that a flight attendant lives through?
Imagine your day:
-you may, or may not, end up working- but you have to show up, regardless.
-you may, or may not, get on the flight you hope for
-the journey can start off very bumpy and never smooth out
-all day long you hear that incessant ringing of call buttons going off
-you get to meet the dumbest people on earth, over and over again, as you try to explain why they do not “own” the overhead compartment and why that oversized luggage won’t fit (hello, it’s too damn big!)
-you experience first hand the uncanny ability of adults being rude (you don’t just get that in a deli line) and/or childish
-lunch is one of 4 items: cheese and crackers, sunchips, peanuts, or animal crackers
-your beverage is a product of the coca-cola company
-your liquor cabinet at home has only mini-bottles in it
-you cheerfully face each day under the threat of bankruptcy or job-loss
-and you never know which face of crazy is going to show up at your work: be it drunk, angry, sad or otherwise
Ah, the glamour of the travel industry!
Sure that makes sense in the automotive industry, but what would happen if you extended something similar to this to the airline industry? What if we all got to experience the same glamorous workday that a flight attendant lives through?
Imagine your day:
-you may, or may not, end up working- but you have to show up, regardless.
-you may, or may not, get on the flight you hope for
-the journey can start off very bumpy and never smooth out
-all day long you hear that incessant ringing of call buttons going off
-you get to meet the dumbest people on earth, over and over again, as you try to explain why they do not “own” the overhead compartment and why that oversized luggage won’t fit (hello, it’s too damn big!)
-you experience first hand the uncanny ability of adults being rude (you don’t just get that in a deli line) and/or childish
-lunch is one of 4 items: cheese and crackers, sunchips, peanuts, or animal crackers
-your beverage is a product of the coca-cola company
-your liquor cabinet at home has only mini-bottles in it
-you cheerfully face each day under the threat of bankruptcy or job-loss
-and you never know which face of crazy is going to show up at your work: be it drunk, angry, sad or otherwise
Ah, the glamour of the travel industry!
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