on my radar: starlets secret pact

Hollywood shook, like Amy Winehouse "two days sober", yesterday when a secret pact between 17 of Hollywood's up and coming starlets was revealed. Noting a rather alarming rate of young Hollywood actresses NOT becoming pregnant in the last few years (note: Jamie Lynn Spears and a botoxed Denise Richards don't count) famed sleuth "Fred", of the infamous Scooby gang, took it upon himself to slip out of the Mystery Van and do a little solo investigation work. "As much as I love my team, I just couldn't risk Daphne, aka "danger prone", jeopardizing my work," Fred stated.
Rumors are rampant that none other than the "big cheese" is footing the bill for the exclusive report and is planning a 3rd Scooby sequel (and a ton of scooby snacks) as a way to smooth over the ruffled feathers of "the gang".

The report itself, due to be released mid-sweeps, is said to contain damaging evidence that proves that these 17 young women all agreed to actually abstain from sex. Dakota Fanning has spoken out, vehemently denying the accusation and implying that on many occasions she has tried to sleep with the Jonas Brothers, only to end up with Dylan Sprouse, aka Zack, from "The Suite life of Zack and Joey". Abigail Breslin might have spilled the beans on what really transpired with these "'tween chicks", "we just wanted to apply ourselves to our schooling, and while in pursuit of our GED's, we quit having unsafe sex, and thus a lower pregnancy rate became the by-product, it's not like we meant to quit sleeping around; we all still really look up to Jamie Lynn! There was no secret pact!"

on my radar: living the lohan loca!

Dina, Lindsay and Ali
On a routine attention-grabbing excursion
One of the greatest celeb-family disasters ever known
High on whatever they were on
It struck their feeble egos
and plunged them to the lowest of lows

To the land of "Living Lohan"
The land of the "Living Lohan"
The land of the Lost!

What a bunch of crap that show is! Why isn't DFAC's watching this show and then getting the kids away from this ill-equipped single parent household? I thought prostitution was still illegal in most places, and pimping your kids out for money seems to qualify for prostitution! The mere fact that Dina would let a camera crew shoot pictures of a dog (one of 5 in the house) on the dinner table shows failure of judgement! What does Dina do to support her kids? Oh, she is the "star" of a reality show that pays her to be a mother driving a second daughter towards fame and stardom-because the first one turned out so well! Dina's parenting skillz are strictly from the world of hyena's ("I will eat my own to survive")and seem to be closer to the witch that tried to eat Hansel and Gretel than Fran Drescher's "Nanny" (and that's not saying much!); Tommie Lee and Pamela (round #801) create a more stable environment for kids than Dina does! If only they could make Spencer and Heidi babysitters, you'd have one heck of a show, but seeing how Speidi's rates for appearances are "delusional", I guess all Dina can afford is Nana. The sad part about the show is it appears that Roseanne and Anne Welles were role models for Dina; Dina just doesn't comprehend that Anne ended up strung out on painkillers and Roseanne's world isn't real-of course, neither is the world Dina roams.

at least someone admits it...

This is an excerpt from a news story. Read it and weep. Clinton was bashed about receiving votes from racist white people and publicly urged to refute them...

WASHINGTON (AP) — Black conservative talk show host Armstrong Williams has never voted for a Democrat for president. That could change this year with Barack Obama as the Democratic Party's nominee.

"I don't necessarily like his policies; I don't like much that he advocates, but for the first time in my life, history thrusts me to really seriously think about it," Williams said. "I can honestly say I have no idea who I'm going to pull that lever for in November. And to me, that's incredible."

Just as Obama has touched black Democratic voters, he has engendered conflicting emotions among black Republicans. They revel over the possibility of a black president but wrestle with the thought that Obama doesn't sit beside them ideologically.

"Among black conservatives," Williams said, "they tell me privately, it would be very hard to vote against him in November."

on my radar: hold the tomatoes

If it wasn't hard enough to get kids to eat tomatoes in the first place, along comes an outbreak to scare everyone away! We need our lycopene! I guess the "love apples" must be experiencing feelings somewhat akin to how Tonya Harding felt after that nasty bout of jealousy! The rational side of me says, "hey, just in time for beach season- a small bout of salmonella will help me fit into that damn suit!" But the Lauren Hutton side of me says, well...the Lauren Hutton side of me says crazy-ass crap that makes no sense but somehow includes guacamole and guac has tomatoes in it so that must be what's gone to her head! She needs sleeps! I get the impression she woke up (like 4 days ago) on the Sean Young side of the bed!

Me thinks it's about time Mr. McMahon puts his own name into the "Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes" drawing...it's hard to muster ANY sympathy for someone who is struggling to make the payments on a $7.5 Million dollar home; sell the damn thing and get out from under it already, or stark hawking more Breathe Assure and quit divorcing so many women!

I'd recommend that maybe Miss Hutton, Mr. McMahon and Miss Heigl should go on a PR tour to do some spin control, but I'm afraid people would just throw tomatoes at them! I know three people who could use a pocketful of sunshine right about now!

on my radar: Career Moves

One woman's loss is a choreographer's gain.

Not letting the recent election-bid failure stop her bigger than life aspirations, Hillary Clinton has announced her next career move. It appears that the beltway's loss is going to be the Great White Way's gain. Yes, it is true, Hillary will now be stumping for votes while singing her way through "Positive" and "So Much Better", vying to be the next Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, the Musical. This magic moment is almost as historic as when one guy's peanut butter ran into another guy's chocolate!

Think of the parallels of these two icons: Elle Woods, fighting to get into law school then kicking ass in Chanel and the courtroom- that could have been Hillary just a few decades ago! So why can't Hillary now be the woman "portraying that younger Rodham"? There ain't nothing some stage make-up and lighting can't do to make Hillary look mid-20's again! Heck, look what it does for Nathan Lane and Kim Catrall!

This may not be the career option many of you would have guessed she'd pursue, but did you really think she'd just go home an start watching "Martha" and learn to bake cookies? Or start swilling Cosmo's (although it would make for a better photo op than that whiskey shot picture) with Liddy Dole, Pelosi and Laura Bush, doing their version of the "Political Golden Girls in DC?"

So start tuning into "The Search for Elle Woods" and vote as frequently and often as they did in American Idol, with a little help, we can keep Hillary in a job...as Tim Gunn might say, "get Hill work!"

And given her penchant to "keep fighting", if Elle doesn't work out, she's got auditions planned for "American Gladiators", "Dancing with the Stars", and "Trading Spouses"- in no particular order.

on my radar: don't pop the top!

I've got the fever for the flavor of a Pringle!

Not willing to go down without a revolution, the inventor of the Pringle's can died recently, and, per his wishes, was partially entombed in...a Pringles can! So proud of his invention, Dr. Fredric J. Baur requested that he be cremated and half of his ashes were to be buried inside of his invention.

"i've gotta Pringle's can, a Pringles can full of sunshine, oh, oh, oh, oh"

So the $64,000.00 question is, "If you were to be buried in a Pringles can, which can would you be?"

"With a can can can! Everybody can-can!"

Just imagine how business would have been different for the Fisher clan if Six Feet Under was all about selling small cylinder cans! I think I'd like to order one that says, "RIP Hillary's 2008 Presidential campaign." Of course, once ya pop one Pringle, you just can't stop- me thinks Hillary has the same notion.