Today President Bush signed an agreement to create an investigative committee to look into the ongoing failure tabloid magazines to break really good gossip. 'We all hate them, but we all read them," he mumbled on his way to Camp Crawford, his playground away from the press and reality."I just don't get how all of a sudden Lance Bass is gay and no one was saying that before; this has really been tearing up Jenna's heart," Bush continued, "she(Jenna) was so into them during the "No String's Attached" days.
The President said, "It's not like we all didn't see the Star Jones thing a mile away, and when I'm not stuck watching the middle east reports, I've watched Oprah enough to know she's gonna say she ain't dating Gayle (we all know Condi is, though...), so that's not news, but where was the tabloid paparazzi when Lance is kissing and fighting with Reichen? Are they too busy filming "bad parent" Britney driving poorly or almost dropping the baby? Those shots are a dime a dozen these days..."
"I know how to eavesdrop on a nation and get away with it, laws be damned!" Mr.Bush concluded, "so why can't the National Enquirer or US Weekly figure it out! That's why I am creating this committee!" Once I get to the bottom of this, I'm going to invade Paris and take on the Tour De France!
Friday, July 28, 2006
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
on my radar: drama queens
Carson Kressley: sashay aside.
Elton John: you’ve been demoted.
Tom Cruise: don’t bother.
Seems like there’s a new crop of drama queens on the scene and they’ve landed in the most unexpected place (besides the new edition of Merriam’s dictionary, along with unibrow and mouse potato for starters): major league sports. No, this ain’t your run of the mill whiner, this is classic grade “A” bad acting, injury faking, scene-stealing, and “dive” taking that can only be found in one place, but oh how common it is in this location, the soccer field. I finally know why a soccer field is dubbed a “pitch”, because once you step onto it, you are almost 100% likely to pitch a fit within the next 90 minutes of regulation play!
The last time I saw someone fake emotions as well as the soccer players faked injuries was when I was watching Michael Jackson kiss Lisa Marie on MTV (and trust me, no one bought that either!). Having just been exposed to World Cup play, I never realized how much acting goes into playing; you can’t get away with that in football (American, that is)! When’s the last time you saw a football player get loaded onto a stretcher only to jump back off it and get back into the game? It was downright amusing to see how these people worked the system to: slow the game, stop momentum, or just get a water break, by way of faking a foul.
Maybe I can try that at work sometime when I am afraid of missing a deadline. I can see it now, I’ll just crumple over and cry till I get an extension. If not, I could always headbutt the person and receive an extra “vacation day”. Good way of getting out of the work.
Other things I learned by watching World Cup: I need to take my clothes off more when I celebrate. Hugging men is okay if done in a sports arena. Tailgating ain’t nothing compared to what soccer fans do. Soccer’s one of the true sports where you have to be in-shape to play. They still have funny rules. Size doesn’t always matter (little countries can pull big upsets)!
Elton John: you’ve been demoted.
Tom Cruise: don’t bother.
Seems like there’s a new crop of drama queens on the scene and they’ve landed in the most unexpected place (besides the new edition of Merriam’s dictionary, along with unibrow and mouse potato for starters): major league sports. No, this ain’t your run of the mill whiner, this is classic grade “A” bad acting, injury faking, scene-stealing, and “dive” taking that can only be found in one place, but oh how common it is in this location, the soccer field. I finally know why a soccer field is dubbed a “pitch”, because once you step onto it, you are almost 100% likely to pitch a fit within the next 90 minutes of regulation play!
The last time I saw someone fake emotions as well as the soccer players faked injuries was when I was watching Michael Jackson kiss Lisa Marie on MTV (and trust me, no one bought that either!). Having just been exposed to World Cup play, I never realized how much acting goes into playing; you can’t get away with that in football (American, that is)! When’s the last time you saw a football player get loaded onto a stretcher only to jump back off it and get back into the game? It was downright amusing to see how these people worked the system to: slow the game, stop momentum, or just get a water break, by way of faking a foul.
Maybe I can try that at work sometime when I am afraid of missing a deadline. I can see it now, I’ll just crumple over and cry till I get an extension. If not, I could always headbutt the person and receive an extra “vacation day”. Good way of getting out of the work.
Other things I learned by watching World Cup: I need to take my clothes off more when I celebrate. Hugging men is okay if done in a sports arena. Tailgating ain’t nothing compared to what soccer fans do. Soccer’s one of the true sports where you have to be in-shape to play. They still have funny rules. Size doesn’t always matter (little countries can pull big upsets)!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Travel tips for Dallas Austin
Traveling tips for hitmaker Dallas Austin:
When traveling to Dubai to celebrate Naomi Campbell’s birthday in the United Arab Emirate’s skeikdom, remember that it’s Kate Moss who likes cocaine! And if you are dumb enough to travel with cocaine, and it’s not going to be given as a present, use it up before entering the country!
If you opt not to follow the directions offered above, pack a few extra clothes! One weekend “blow” out equals two months of jail time (minus a 4-year sentence when pardoned by the ruler).
When apologizing for being caught with cocaine in a foreign nation, realize that when you apologize and say, “I did not mean to break the rules of this country”, drugs are virtually illegal anywhere you might ever visit! And, it’s good to know that although you broke Dubai’s strict drug laws, possession also breaks the US drug laws…but I’m sure he knew that.
If you visit Pakistan with drugs, and get caught, and get thrown into jail, beware: you may wake up with a light bulb in your rectum (true story- not mine!).( Reuters) Updated: 4:40 a.m. ET July 3, 2006, MULTAN, Pakistan - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass light bulb in his anus. No telling how many people it took to screw it in…
If you visit North Korea, stay away from bomb jokes while going through security.( North Korea defends its missile tests and promises more to come, but U.S. officials tell CNN there are no signs that Pyongyang is preparing to launch another long-range Taepodong missile.
If you visit Russia, make sure your belly is clean if you meet with President Putin (he may try to kiss it) (MOSCOW, Russia (Reuters) -- Vladimir Putin's decision to stop a small boy as he walked through the Kremlin and kiss his stomach was prompted by a desire to "touch him like a kitten," the Russian president said on Thursday.
And just in general, don’t hang out with “freebird” Lil’ Kim (although jail time has certainly made “lil” somewhat of a misnomer). Your momma would tell you that much!
When traveling to Dubai to celebrate Naomi Campbell’s birthday in the United Arab Emirate’s skeikdom, remember that it’s Kate Moss who likes cocaine! And if you are dumb enough to travel with cocaine, and it’s not going to be given as a present, use it up before entering the country!
If you opt not to follow the directions offered above, pack a few extra clothes! One weekend “blow” out equals two months of jail time (minus a 4-year sentence when pardoned by the ruler).
When apologizing for being caught with cocaine in a foreign nation, realize that when you apologize and say, “I did not mean to break the rules of this country”, drugs are virtually illegal anywhere you might ever visit! And, it’s good to know that although you broke Dubai’s strict drug laws, possession also breaks the US drug laws…but I’m sure he knew that.
If you visit Pakistan with drugs, and get caught, and get thrown into jail, beware: you may wake up with a light bulb in your rectum (true story- not mine!).( Reuters) Updated: 4:40 a.m. ET July 3, 2006, MULTAN, Pakistan - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass light bulb in his anus. No telling how many people it took to screw it in…
If you visit North Korea, stay away from bomb jokes while going through security.( North Korea defends its missile tests and promises more to come, but U.S. officials tell CNN there are no signs that Pyongyang is preparing to launch another long-range Taepodong missile.
If you visit Russia, make sure your belly is clean if you meet with President Putin (he may try to kiss it) (MOSCOW, Russia (Reuters) -- Vladimir Putin's decision to stop a small boy as he walked through the Kremlin and kiss his stomach was prompted by a desire to "touch him like a kitten," the Russian president said on Thursday.
And just in general, don’t hang out with “freebird” Lil’ Kim (although jail time has certainly made “lil” somewhat of a misnomer). Your momma would tell you that much!
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