Emergency procedures are being developed to reign in the mega star, Tom Cruise, who appears to be close to spiraling out of orbit.
Specialists who have watched Mr. Cruise’s behavior on recent talk show interviews believe that one of four things has occurred:
He slept at a Holiday Inn and now has divined the answers to everything in life and is not afraid to tell you- watch out Brooke Shields!
At age 42, he finally got some action (see antics of jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch)! He acts like a de-virginized 16 year old!
He really believes aliens are about to invade the planet (in the guise of Scientology members).
He looked at his checkbook and realized he had enough money to start acting like a crazy man, and get away with it.
Additionally, handlers of Katie Holmes are growing increasingly nervous as she continues to act like a “Stepford wife”. They are closely monitoring the whites around her eyes. If she begins to look too much like Jennifer Willbanks, she will be admitted for therapy. No one wants to have another runaway bride fiasco!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
Tuesday's Jackson Update
My LA motto: “shaken, but not disturbed”
LA- Reuters:
Jermaine Jackson, apparently the official mouthpiece (everything else on Michaels body is fake, so why not this too?) for Michael, announced that Michael just needs some rest and time to think about getting things back to normal. When was the last time he ever thought about being normal? 1973? Sources close to Michael (but none under 15 years of age) claim he is considering moving out of the country; he does have several open-ended tickets for Brazil at his disposal. His passport, which was taken from him months ago, was inadvertently returned to Latoya Jackson. Apparently, he no longer resembles the man in the mirror, or in the photo. Additionally, to “butch” up his image Michael Jackson enrolled in a military training academy. On his first day, when told to drop and do twenty, he refused, stating he never dates anyone over 16. After being expelled, he went home, went to his room, turned on the early warning sensors, drew a bubble bath and refused to eat anything but Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches (once the crust was cut-off by Bubbles). And then he thought about being normal.
In unrelated news, Atlanta police have begun stopping cars with tinted glass to ensure that the windows aren’t too dark. Using their new measuring device, dubbed the “Jackson-5 –meter” Police are ticketing those drivers who windows are too dark. Tint ratings are: “Jermaine” or “Tito” are too dark, “Janet” and “LaToya” are passing, while Michael is untinted.
LA- Reuters:
Jermaine Jackson, apparently the official mouthpiece (everything else on Michaels body is fake, so why not this too?) for Michael, announced that Michael just needs some rest and time to think about getting things back to normal. When was the last time he ever thought about being normal? 1973? Sources close to Michael (but none under 15 years of age) claim he is considering moving out of the country; he does have several open-ended tickets for Brazil at his disposal. His passport, which was taken from him months ago, was inadvertently returned to Latoya Jackson. Apparently, he no longer resembles the man in the mirror, or in the photo. Additionally, to “butch” up his image Michael Jackson enrolled in a military training academy. On his first day, when told to drop and do twenty, he refused, stating he never dates anyone over 16. After being expelled, he went home, went to his room, turned on the early warning sensors, drew a bubble bath and refused to eat anything but Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches (once the crust was cut-off by Bubbles). And then he thought about being normal.
In unrelated news, Atlanta police have begun stopping cars with tinted glass to ensure that the windows aren’t too dark. Using their new measuring device, dubbed the “Jackson-5 –meter” Police are ticketing those drivers who windows are too dark. Tint ratings are: “Jermaine” or “Tito” are too dark, “Janet” and “LaToya” are passing, while Michael is untinted.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Tuesday's Beleaguered Bull Syndrome
Dear Old MacDonald,
Do any of the following descriptions apply to your current cattle?
Unhappy Holstein?
Bad-mood Bovine?
Cranky Calf?
Grumpy Grazer?
If you said yes to any of the above you may have an “Elsie” just a few frayed nerves away from Mad Cow Disease! But have no fear, help is near! Before you find out that you have more than just a “bummed steer” send your cattle to the new stress reduction course developed by McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s (mad-cows make bad beef!), “Anger Management for Cows on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown”. This class is highly recommended by the USDA and is considered a Top Choice!
Symptoms for cows on the verge can be:
- sour milkshakes that don’t bring any boys to the yard
- hostility shown during the round-up, also known as “round-up rage”
- mooing that almost sounds maniacal (bad “moo’s” is bad news for business!)
- curdled cottage cheese
- constant cud chewing (it’s a nervous tick!)
So, before it’s too late and the beef can’t be saved, rattle your cattle to the call of the bad beef battle! “Anger Management for Cows on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown”…watch for it, it’s coming to a farm near you!
All failing cows are sent to finishing school at McDonald’s University.
Sincerely Yours,
The Chic-fil-A Folks!
Do any of the following descriptions apply to your current cattle?
Unhappy Holstein?
Bad-mood Bovine?
Cranky Calf?
Grumpy Grazer?
If you said yes to any of the above you may have an “Elsie” just a few frayed nerves away from Mad Cow Disease! But have no fear, help is near! Before you find out that you have more than just a “bummed steer” send your cattle to the new stress reduction course developed by McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s (mad-cows make bad beef!), “Anger Management for Cows on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown”. This class is highly recommended by the USDA and is considered a Top Choice!
Symptoms for cows on the verge can be:
- sour milkshakes that don’t bring any boys to the yard
- hostility shown during the round-up, also known as “round-up rage”
- mooing that almost sounds maniacal (bad “moo’s” is bad news for business!)
- curdled cottage cheese
- constant cud chewing (it’s a nervous tick!)
So, before it’s too late and the beef can’t be saved, rattle your cattle to the call of the bad beef battle! “Anger Management for Cows on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown”…watch for it, it’s coming to a farm near you!
All failing cows are sent to finishing school at McDonald’s University.
Sincerely Yours,
The Chic-fil-A Folks!
Monday, June 13, 2005
Monday's Wacko Jacko Extra!
Call it clichéd, but we all seem to walk with a song in our heart…
Now, as Michael walks along that lonely road (say hi to Charles Manson), far far away from Abbey Road or Neverland, I can only imagine what songs he was singing:
He will need to raise cash for his defense fund, so he is making a greatest hits/duets cd to help get the cash flowing again. Currently, his song selection is:
Side A:
Boulevard of Broken Dream (Green Day)
Oops, I did it again (Chaotic Britney)
Guilty (Babs Streisand)
Love is a Crime (Anastacia)
Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Joan Jett)
I Touch Myself (The Divinyls)
Maneater (Hall and Oats)
Jailhouse Rock (Lisa Marie Presley)
Dangerously in Love (Beyonce)
SIDE B:
Beat It
Smooth Criminal
Free Bird
I’m Free (Soup Dragons)
Living on a Prayer (Bon Jovi)
(I Am) An Innocent Man (Billy Joel)
Innocent World (iggy Pop)
Keep it in the Closet
Now, as Michael walks along that lonely road (say hi to Charles Manson), far far away from Abbey Road or Neverland, I can only imagine what songs he was singing:
He will need to raise cash for his defense fund, so he is making a greatest hits/duets cd to help get the cash flowing again. Currently, his song selection is:
Side A:
Boulevard of Broken Dream (Green Day)
Oops, I did it again (Chaotic Britney)
Guilty (Babs Streisand)
Love is a Crime (Anastacia)
Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Joan Jett)
I Touch Myself (The Divinyls)
Maneater (Hall and Oats)
Jailhouse Rock (Lisa Marie Presley)
Dangerously in Love (Beyonce)
SIDE B:
Beat It
Smooth Criminal
Free Bird
I’m Free (Soup Dragons)
Living on a Prayer (Bon Jovi)
(I Am) An Innocent Man (Billy Joel)
Innocent World (iggy Pop)
Keep it in the Closet
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Tuesday's Answer for the Summer Sportsfan
Ah yes, it’s that time again…summer is about here and pressure to play for the company softball team is starting to gain momentum…
Or is tennis the sport you love to play alone?
Do friends recommend you play on Jerry Lewis’ golf team?
Are sports just not your thing, but you can’t escape them?
Or are you just tired of always losing to someone better than you?
NO PROBLEM!!! Let us do the dirty work for you at the”TONYA HARDING CENTER FOR OPPONENT NEUTRALIZATION”
That's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim,dismember, paralyze or even kill that person or persons whoare blocking your path to athletic success.Check out our price list (I doubt Wal-Mart can beat these prices, unless Jeff Gillooly is working for them!):
Blow to the knee $ 99.95
Blow to both knees (a better buy) $149.95
Blow to the head $124.95
Knife in the back (tennis players only) $ 49.95
Kick to the groin (male athletes only) $ 9.95
Poking out one eye $ 49.95
Poking out both eyes (three stooges style) $ 79.95
Gun shot to the knee $199.95
Gun shot to both knees $299.95
Gun shot to the head $499.95
Impalement in a public place $999.95
Remember WEDNESDAYS are bonus days. Order one act of violence and receive another at 50 percent off!
With every order over $300.00, you automatically receive a collapsible hard-plastic baton personally signed by Tonya herself - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.
Order now and receive absolutely free the Lorena Bobbitt Home Castration Kit. Sex-crazed husband not included.
To order, call toll-free at 1-800-JUST-WIN.
Tonya Harding Center for Opponent Neutralization is an equal opportunity employer.
Or is tennis the sport you love to play alone?
Do friends recommend you play on Jerry Lewis’ golf team?
Are sports just not your thing, but you can’t escape them?
Or are you just tired of always losing to someone better than you?
NO PROBLEM!!! Let us do the dirty work for you at the”TONYA HARDING CENTER FOR OPPONENT NEUTRALIZATION”
That's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim,dismember, paralyze or even kill that person or persons whoare blocking your path to athletic success.Check out our price list (I doubt Wal-Mart can beat these prices, unless Jeff Gillooly is working for them!):
Blow to the knee $ 99.95
Blow to both knees (a better buy) $149.95
Blow to the head $124.95
Knife in the back (tennis players only) $ 49.95
Kick to the groin (male athletes only) $ 9.95
Poking out one eye $ 49.95
Poking out both eyes (three stooges style) $ 79.95
Gun shot to the knee $199.95
Gun shot to both knees $299.95
Gun shot to the head $499.95
Impalement in a public place $999.95
Remember WEDNESDAYS are bonus days. Order one act of violence and receive another at 50 percent off!
With every order over $300.00, you automatically receive a collapsible hard-plastic baton personally signed by Tonya herself - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.
Order now and receive absolutely free the Lorena Bobbitt Home Castration Kit. Sex-crazed husband not included.
To order, call toll-free at 1-800-JUST-WIN.
Tonya Harding Center for Opponent Neutralization is an equal opportunity employer.
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