on my radar: lumps of coal

The annual phenomena known as "accounting for one's behavior" hits a frenzied pace as the minutes tick closer to midnight (of Dec. 24th). The next few hours will be the crucial litmus test that will clearly identify if one's actions were really appreciated by others, or if you have been sadly misunderstood; yep, them lumps of coal lets you know that you, and only you, found more good, and less evil, in your actions, then anybody else. How nice would it be to feel "got"?

So the awkward shape in my stocking gave me a moment's pause- surely Santa knew when I was (and wasn't) joking. Could he really discern my sense of humor at anything Britney Spears related this year and not mistake me for a mean spirited Perez Hilton or TMZ? Was I to be the recipient of coal for lack of another's understanding (wow, my very own Isaiah Washington moment)? Consider for the moment getting a lump of coal; if I had a heating bill issue I might find the gift rewarding, but seeing how I'm electric, coal was not a good omen.

After pondering the shape of the object in my stocking for another minute, with dread building inside, I took the plunge (like a child being coaxed into it's first dive into the deep end of the pool) reached my hand into the stocking and pulled out the present.

And what to my wondering eyes did appear, but a gift, no longer gift-wrapped with fear. I could tell right away that this was no ordinary lump of coal, in fact, it wasn't coal at all! I rejoiced and relaxed, knowing my Christmas would be saved, because Santa "got" me and didn't bequeath to me twelve new months of generosity and groveling to make the point for Xmas 08, in the shape of coal. Instead I was handsomely rewarded with... a nose?

Swaddled, like nothing but the baby Jesus, lay a nose, tightly bound in gauze. What the hell was this I found; explain to me why this is what I was given! But wait, this nose was distinctly familiar to me- I had seen it before, on TV, if my total recall was intact. Yes, I know this nose! More clear than the pictures of Britney's vagina was my new appreciation for the humor of Santa. With this nose I learned that not only did Santa have a sense of humor, but he was also a regifter!! This was not a random nose that was cut off despite it's face, this was the old nose of Ashley Tisdale!

My humor was able to remain intact and my spirits quickly lifted,
all because Santa regifted.

Christmas 2007 was saved by a nose!

on my radar: Christmas Cheer

Happy Holidays!

on my radar: Christmas sing-a-long

As traditional as uneaten fruitcake and bad Christmas sweaters, it is once again time to whip up your hair in a Sanjaya kinda way, strike up the choir (go team LaBelle!) and sing out loud, this year to the tune of "Grandma got run over by a reindeer"...

Jamie Lynn got knocked up by her boyfriend
Playing doctor late one Friday eve
Momma Spears may say she's a great parent
But Disney and Nickelodeon don't believe!

She'd been drinking too many Frappachino's
She should have just said "No!"
And she didn't use protection
Now a baby bump is starting to show

When she confessed the other morning
Ah, the media did attack
So much pushing and shoving for a photo
Auntie Britney growled, "Y'all get the "effe" back!

Jamie Lynn got knocked up by her boyfriend
Playing doctor late one Friday eve
Momma Spears may say she's a great parent
But Disney and Nickelodeon don't believe!

Now were all proud of the paternal grandparents
Admitting the news has left them less than thrilled
They just shook their heads and wondered
Where were the condoms and the pill?

It's no surprise about the baby
"Zoey 101" is about to fade to black
And you just can't help but wonder
Can anything ever get the Spears clan back on track?

Jamie Lynn got knocked up by her boyfriend
Playing doctor late one Friday eve
Momma Spears may say she's a great parent
But Disney and Nickelodeon don't believe!

Now the bun is in the oven
Only 6 more months to go
And the gossips begin to wonder
Is there any lower this family can go?

Nickelodeon warned its friends and neighbors
Better talk to your kids
They should never use the Spears as role models
Or they'll be singing, "dang y'all, oops, look what i done did!"

Jamie Lynn got knocked up by her boyfriend
Playing doctor late one Friday eve
Momma Spears may say she's a great parent
But Disney and Nickelodeon don't believe!

on my radar: Run Zoey Run!

Thank heavens for the Spears family! I look at them and feel even more proud of the children my mother had, realizing how thing might have gone. I feel sorry for the state of Louisiana, though; darn if that family isn't setting the state's reputation back even further! If I were the Governor I'd offer the whole lot of them one-way tickets to Alabama or Oklahoma or North Dakota, where it wouldn't be so easy to sneak back into town.

Where the hell was Nanny McPhee when she was needed to beat the crap out of Lynne Spears all those years ago? Those damn au paires just aren't reliable to shake the right children theses days! Guess that book about parenting that Lynne Spears was authoring is going to have to be written by some other, better, Hollywood parent; right now David Hasselhoff, Michael Jackson and Momma Winehouse must feel a slight sense of opportunity!

So I'm just wondering, what 101 class was Zoey taking? Apparently it wasn't Sex Ed, or she is following, in her barefeet, after her sister and flubbed it royally! What is Nickelodeon to do, start running Public Service messages warning that their 16 year old star got pregnant and you can too? Maybe they should adapt their biggest hit, "Spongebob Squarepants" to this new audience as "Bob, the Sponge."

Hey y'all, I'm pregnant! That's just how we do things in the South!

on my radar: Mitchell's List

Boy do I feel like an amateur not making "George Mitchell's List" (Like "Schindler's" only more salacious, less fatal)! Just when I thought I was big time, I was deflated, like Barry Bonds, 2 weeks after his last injection!

What is interesting to note is what else was mentioned in the report that somehow has been overlooked by the media:

On the 13th day of December, George Mitchell told me (there were):

12 former presidents were found to be adulterous
11 Golden Globe nominee's were shooting up
10 Striking writers freelancing
9 candidates still in the running whose names nobody knows
8 is still enough
7 (of ten voters) thinking Obama is black enough
6 World Wide Wrestling Women with more testosterone than OJ
5 rings of coke on Amy Winehouse's nose
4 Osmonds in rehab
3 sports unions still denying steroid problems (NFL, MLB, NBA)
2 "Dancing with the Stars" champs still living life in spandex
1 still really messed up BCS selection process

on my radar: charity

Dear General Public (not the band, but asking for your tenderness, never the less),

It's Christmas time and there's no need to be stingy when it comes to donating to needy causes, that is why I am asking you to donate to my charity, the "Help Drew Peterson Fund". Yes, there is a war raging, children starving, and something in Darfur and a broken A/C in the polar ice caps, and they get attention year round, but what about those in need, here in the USA, during the holidays? No, not all those with subprime loans or MLB players named in George Mitchell's steroid report, I'm talking about me! Times (alimony) have been hard for me, as my four (three, two) ex-wives can attest to. Some may say I'm a lady killer; I think it's my moustache that oozes charm (like blood from a knife wound) that women can't resist (and if they do, well, lets not go there, or there, or into the garage without a search warrant).

A recent spurt of bad publicity has made it hard for me to work and now I need to ask for your help. Can anyone lend a hand (to help me move a few blue barrels from my garage), and donate a $100 to my bank funds? I promise, when my wife returns, I will pay you back (just as soon as I can).

Don't worry about me as a security risk (they took my passport), I am a sound investment( like a bank stock)! And I am smart (smarter than Kelli Pickler atleast) I have gotten rid of several wives and no one has caught me yet! I'm like a modern day OJ, misunderstood (and guilty as hell).

Please, won't you donate?

Cheers (and gone fishing),

Drew (not Scott) Peterson

on my radar: A-town and 77 degrees!

Atlanta is warm and dry this 10th day of December; way too warm and way too dry, neither being a good thing considering the drought! Where there should be tens of feet of water in the lakes that feed our water supply we are currently barely ankle-shallow in agua to keep the city hydrated, and now we get temperatures in the upper 70's! As smashing as a tan looks in December, this tropical spell isn't going to help keep the water around! Apparently all those prayers got lost somewhere in the stratosphere or god just said no.

I wonder if god applies a triage policy to all of his incoming calls? Maybe Huckabee needed the boost to his campaign more than Atlantan's need water? Dogs across the metro area must have some pull with the powers that be (is god a dog person?) seeing how Michael Vick got a nasty 23month sentence today- although it would irk me a little bit if PETA is so well connected!

Whatever the case may be, and as lovely as this weather is, if you are there god, it ain't Margaret calling, just me- but don't you know that already (prayer ID or something like that)...how about just cooling the weather down 10 degrees or so...and a smattering of rain, (and a Seahawk super bowl, and a 8 win UW football season next year)...cheers!

No, this just doesn't feel right. Those are not my top requests...yes to the Seahawks and UW football, but could ya do something to get Sherri Shepard off the air, end the writers strike and make Bush and the war go away? Cheney too! That's more realistic.

on my radar: tornadoes

Since we aren't the government and don't have easy access to destroying evidence we prefer not to be accountable for, wouldn't it be nice if we could have the power to drop down a tornado (or two) amongst our messes in life and tidy things up for us, so to speak? Wysteria Lane got one in just the nick of time, writer's strike be damned! (I want to know who died!) Now we can clean up those messy little plot points that are going nowhere, and storylines that drive us crazy, with a little help from the ultimate desperate housewife, Mother Nature! How convenient is it for Gabby that her enraged husband just happened to be impaled by a picket fence? Done with that boring plot line! Whoosh! A big suction of air and Sylvia is sucked out of the house and Katherine's life forever!

Of course weather in the real world is never so tidy as it is on tv- funny that! TV makes it looks so g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s (oh the flossy flossy) and easy to clean. Somehow I think Wysteria Lane will be back in business (sans that crappy metal fountain and tree house) faster than New Orlean's Orlean Parrish.

So, if I ran the weather, or happened to be Storm, I would target "The View", aiming squarely at Sherri Shepard. She is an affront to (educated) people striving to make ends meet! How did this idiot get to where she is? Stupid and ignorant; two of the most dangerous "competencies" for someone on the air! First she doesn't know if the world is flat or not, and now she believes "nothing predates Jesus." Hullo? Ever heard of time referred to as "BC"? How can she be so stupid?

Sadly, there are people who just blindly follow the crowd and never even question what they are doing ("incisioned-people" in the "Golden Compass" world), to the point they are ignorant to basic facts. I would aim a tornado at them next! One doesn't have to be smarter than a fifth grader to know life existed before Jesus Christ, or that the world is spherical. Look at the Grammy's...Justin Timberlake again? Nice "follow the crowd" mentality! What else would explain the snub of Annie Lennox's cd in the grammy nominations? Lemmings I say! Funnel cloud headed their way, too!

And if I got one more, I'd aim it towards DC and see if the gov't could be cleaned up...ha ha...where's FEMA now?

A HILL-arious spoof!

on my radar: ode to my appendix

It's been 7 hours and 15 days,
Since they my appendix away
They took it out and I slept all day
Since they took my useless organ away
Since it's been gone I can't do whatever I want
I can't see whomever I choose (damn awful daytime tv)
I can't eat in a fancy restaurant
But something
I said something that takes away the blues
Vicodin...
Nothing compares to you!

My intestine's so lonely without you near
Like Tara Reid without a thong
Nothing can stop my "daytime tv doldrums" tears from falling
Tell me Drew Carey where did I go wrong
I can't put my arms around anybody I see
It only causes me pain
I went to my emergency room and guess what they told me
Guess what he told me?
He said boy, it's gotta go
No matter what you do
But that's not cool
'Cause nothing goes
Nothing will go, to where my appendix grew!

All the white blood cells I acquired, mama
In my insides
All died down when it went away
I know that living without you is no big deal
And i don't have to cry
But nothing makes me sadder
Unless they next go for the equally useless gallbladder!

on my radar: bu-bye doll face

Dancing with the Stars just handed down it's 5th season champion, and the Republicans ought to be taking note!

It appears the Mormon vote isn't that threatening in the end, seeing how a hispanic and a black were able to oust the Osmond (I'm a doll designer!) contender. This should bode well for a Obama/Richardson ticket!

on my radar: tidbits of trash

You make the call. Is the picture:

a real life imagining of the ugly stepsister/barmaid in Shrek 3, a drunk Las Vegas groom's nightmare, Larry Craig at his wedding or a terrorist trying out "what it feels like for a girl?" No, that's not Keanu! It's a fleeing insurgent who's about to become very popular during the cell block tango!

Recently, Larry King officially "saw it all" when Dr. Jan Adams walked off of the "Larry King Live" set. "Hello? Larry, could you pick up the phone, line one, Vanity is calling and she won't hang up until you quit!" Just because he's old and tired doesn't make him an expert on everything and just because a tree fell in his forest, doesn't mean we all heard it. The real reason Dr. Adams walked off the show was because he heard that Oprah might be one of the callers; James Frey ring a scaredy cat bell to anyone?

Puerto Ricans are getting vicious when it comes to beauty pageants, spiking make-up and dousing a contestant's gown with pepper spray in order to cause her to break out and be forced to quit (almost sounds like just another day at Pageant Palace). Too bad; although the stuff caused hives, the contestant stayed in and won the damn competition, Drop Dead Gorgeously! Investigators plan to look into the crimes and expose the conspirators, who will then hopefully find employment doing the same work to the ET crew! See ya Mary Hart and Donnie Osmond!

on my radar: rewriting history

The possibility of newly discovered picture of President Lincoln arriving at the stage for the Gettysburg address had historians buzzing this week. Previously it was believed that only one photo image from that era existed, the addition of a second photo is a huge especially considering the significance of that day.

There are four reasons why this photo is so important:

First, it proves for once and for all, if the image is of Lincoln, that he arrived at Gettysburg on horseback, NOT in a Pinto car. Clearly, his stovetop hat would not have been able to fit inside the Pinto- heck, the Pinto barely withstood "Cujo" a century later, how ever would it have withstood unpaved roads? But, if the evidence is only supported by the stovetop hat, might that be Frosty the Snowman?

Secondly, it shows that a chicken, not a turkey was the meal of choice for those wanting to celebrate special events- thus fueling the debate as to what the Pilgrims really ate two century's prior when they broke bread (and spread sexually transmitted diseases) with the Cleveland Indians. Maybe next year it'll be chicken and stuffing for Thanksgiving.

Thirdly, and most importantly, Kodak regains bragging rights over Fuji film for "Best photo from the 1860's" (up till now it had been a pastoral image of Texas' first cattle drive with Laura Bush's great grandmother trampling her boyfriend during the ride).

Fourth, and less significant than the other points, it confirms that Lincoln, sans daisies or roses, was the inspiration for Neil Diamond's song " You Don't Bring Me Flowers."

on my radar: Osmond's go home!

The Osmond clan is everywhere these days- why?

We've got Mit Romney running for President, "Big Love" is an HBO hit and Jeffer's is in jail; in other famous words of Tina Turner, "we don't need another Mormon!" Okay, not another Mormon without some merit, at least!

Donnie and Marie have become as ubiquitous as "Umbrella" was during the summer months, but at least that song was ferschizzle! The Osmond's reappearance into the media world is about as welcome as a pair of high heels in Ellen's shoe closet! Somehow Donnie was shanghaied for ET(exploitation television) and now they are stuffing him down our throat as THE "Dancing with the Stars" expert. Blah Blah Blah! I wish Oprah was eating more, she could have scarfed down half of the family on her special show and still barely made a dent in the numbers!

My special hope is that Marie gets voted off the show and then, **poof** they are gone, but...given the Mormon Nation, she's gonna win...a foreshadowing of the Republican nomination?

Ever since they voted off Sabrina (the real winner) I have been in a most Scissor Sister's mood about the show and Donnie and Marie everywhere has only exacerbated it..."I don't feel like Dancing, no sir no dancing today!"

on my radar: Using My Religion

It has been pretty well documented that there ain't been many rainy nights in Georgia this year, despite what some songs may imply. So what is a state to do when ya love a rainy night but you just don't have any thunder or lightening lighting up the skies? Gov. Sonny Perdue has taken the lyrics of Tina Turner to heart and has determined to, "break all the rules" which essentially is to eliminate any perception that there is such thing as a "separation of church and state" in the South and has scheduled an interfaith "pray for rain" assembly meeting. While the local media is teaching us how to conserve, the Governor has decided to bring on the rain by telling us all to pray(not like it has worked for Alabama).

There's all types of wrong with this approach- far be it from me to point them out, but I do wonder if any rain dancers were invited. If I were to believe that praying and chanting for the cause would work, I would hope Native American rain makers were thought of- I think they would be the most likely to succeed!

What I find interesting, if you buy into this logic, is the simplicity of the answer is what MaDonna, an unlikely beacon of religion, has always preached; wants some rain? It's like a prayer!

Where is St Jude when ya really need him?

So, if you are like that, say a little prayer for rain and keep the devil of a dryspell from staying down in Georgia! Or vote for a new Govenor...either action will have about the same logical impact on our weather!

Is praying for rain on the days the weather forecast includes possible precipitation "praying fair?"

on my radar: childish behavior

Cartoon's and children's stories were thrust into the limelight today when Stewie from the "Family Guy" was caught in the act with 2 of the "old woman who lived in the shoe's" daughters and Old Mother Hubbard's dog leash, in the pantry room, naked and singing "Gimme More."

As expected in most cartoon crimes, the details coming in are a bit sketchy.

A source close to the investigation, who would not go on record with his identity, has told police that although Stewie has had past problems with booze, he has had no prior documented sexual activity and commented, "I think his fingers are just too small to unpin his diapers to really get anything going." Police are still searching for a motive and plan to interview his former baby sitter, Britney Spears, as soon as she gets out of her own court hearing.

In somewhat related news, Ms. Spears has filed a police report charging that someone stole her three Aqua Dot necklaces when she baby sat the other night. There are no current leads.

on my radar: curses!

Hocus Smocus
Let's bring this rumor into focus! 'Dancing' Curse Strikes!

The latest, in a string of recent tragedies, has struck the "Dancing with the Stars" family. Once again it's the Osmond's taking the fall...(every pun intended); sadly, Marie's pops passed away. This comes on the heels of her collapse, Jane Seymoure's mother passing away, Jennifer Lopez having to go bedside for a family member and Gloria Estefan scrapping plans to be on the show for an ailing mother. So everybody is talking about there being a curse for those appearing on the show. Duh! No shit Sherlock! Of course there's a curse, they are on "DWTS" for crying out loud! If they weren't cursed their careers would have kept them as far away from the show as possible! DUH!

You want to talk curses, lets talk about the clothes they make them wear...Real curses, in my humble opinion, are more like: Harry Potter to Voldemort; that's some heavy cursing going on (with a hex or two to boot!)! Hang around a ship full of sailors- you'll hear curses galore.
You want a real curse, be born to Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards- that's some serious bad mojo and a life of therapy! Or Heidi marrying Spencer! As for "Dancing with the (falling)Stars", the current cast might cry"cursed" because: the Peach Pit shut down, depression struck, Dr Quinn quit doing house calls, Ginger called it quits (for a few years) or a flat tire ruined a race. Not one of these mishaps achieve a real cursed standard!

What viewers will be faced with shortly is the worst of all curses, a "Dancing" spin-off show!
They shoot spin-offs, don't they?

on my radar: croc-oh-die! flops

With this news coming in today, I'm certainly rethinking my belief in a god.

Crocs Shares Plummet on Results - AOL Money & Finance

Hallelujah! I was so sure that one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse was the invention of these shoes(along with Demi Moore giving birth to a soulless child, of course); their demise might just be the thing that makes me feel safe again! Could it have been that their indestructible rubber lost them repeat customers? Might the "garish shades of yuck" finally been found to only flatter clown apparel? The only thing that could have ever brought these shoes any lower in my eyes was if Britney might have been wearing them while waltzing into her local Malibu Starbucks and and lost one of them amongst the throng of the overzealous paparazzi and been handed it back by a TMZ reporter. That's pretty low!

I dub these things a "croc o' shitty taste!"

on my radar: 2012 end of days

Quick Janet, hide, here come the Roper's; Jack got a date! Chrissy, you explain to them he's gay...

Insipid is as insipid does and once again the world believes a farce of "Three's Company" proportions...

...as the world shudders with the frightful predictions of that long ago patron saint of doom and gloom (not Larry King), Nostradamus. How fricken stupid must people be to believe this crap? Oh, that's right, people once thought Liberace was just flamboyant and another Bush presidency was all the country needed. Well, going oh-for-two ain't so bad (just ask the Colorado Rockies) until you realize there is something riding on it. Why are people giving any credence to the (Y2K anybody?) predictions of this guy? He wrote these prophecies in such broad sweeping strokes that even a midget (hey New York!) t-baller could get a hit off of his pitches. And, if at first you don't succeed, just keep predicting; he's predicted the end of the world in '84, '99, '00 , and now 2012. Sooner or later he'll get it right, heck, even Ricky Martin can find a hit once in awhile.

"Nosty", as I affectionately refer to the old guy, is just damn lucky he ain't alive today to face the media and their scrutiny regarding his predictions (side note, did he predict his own death correctly?). How could he ever get a Starbuck's coffee and get back into his car with the throngs of paparazzi screaming at him about the end of the world? Got to admit, that Britney sure is talented in that department; she may hit reporters and cars and drop her children, but she never spills a drip of her frappichino! Of course, the ace up Nosty's sleeve (did he have sleeves or just toga's?) would be to look the reporters in the eye and say, "you're gonna die today...is this how you want to spend your last hours?", and watch them all scramble to find Lohan. What paparazzi in their right mind would die covering Nosty when they could be covering Lindsy?

My parting salvo...I loved the interpretation of "fire from the skies"from one of his earlier predictions; everyone thought it was 9/11 foretold. EXCUSE me? There was never fire in the sky if I recall correctly. Didn't the fires happen when the planes crashed into the buildings? There was no flying ball of fire- maybe the real interpretation of a ball of fire was the fiery remains of the Van Halen reunion tour!

on my radar: flatlining

Trivia time...

What do these all have in common?

1. The Roman Empire

2. 2007 Cleveland Indians

3. The ratings for Viva Mclaughlin

4. Britney's hope for custody of her children

5. Minneapolis Bridge

6. Marie Osmond

What are famous collapses?

It seems that collapsing is all the rage this week, whether it be the cancellation of CBS's "Viva McLaughlin" after just two episodes and flat ratings, the epic fold on the ball diamond that has many wondering if the Cleveland team seems better poised to be relocated and renamed "the Minneapolis Bridges", the inability of Ms. Spears to take note of her court appointed overseer, leaving the appointee to claim she was treated like a "house plant"; too bad for Britney, this plant is about to become a nightmare cactus prickling her right in the ass (as in cu"ass"tudy of her kids) and flatten her hopes at getting the kids back, or the "dance till ya drop" philosophy that Marie Osmond took literally on Monday's "Dancing with the Stars", collapsing after her performance, on live TV.

What to do about this nasty trend? Go to the movies and support your Hollywood stars! The past two weeks have brutal for the big names (yes, a collapse at the box office started it all...) and it's as plain as the supenders on Larry King's pants that what happens in Hollywood spreads to everywhere...so go see a movie to stop the demise of all that is still standing...

on my radar: scattered smothered and booked

Kid Rock helps perpetuate the fabled Waffle House chain restaurant’s reputation as “the low-rent roadside café featuring waffles” after being arrested early Monday morning, in Atlanta, after an altercation at the restaurant. Who better than Kid Rock (Rick Solomon maybe) to help reinforce a low-rent image? Perhaps Waffle House might want to sue for “The Kid” for defamation of character? Right now Gladys Knight is breathing a big sigh of relief (oops, a southern reference to her “Chicken and Waffles” joint in A-town) that her place closes early on Sundays!

Apparently, the fight broke out in the restaurant and then carried over into the parking lot after a customer insulted a groupie hanging with Mr. Rock. With neither Pamela Anderson nor Tommy Lee present, police were baffled at whom the “other party” might be. Initial reports, that spread faster than a California wildfire, indicated that the fight revolved around hash browns being requested “smothered”, but being served “covered and capped.” It was only later clarified that the fight was, in fact, over a woman hanging with the band and that the references to “smothered” “covered” and “capped’ were purely sexual in nature and recently performed on the bus on the way to the restaurant; it is not know if Paris or Britney were on the bus at that time.

Cementing the ringing endorsement of the restaurant, it appears Kid Rock did his best to salute the chain with his mug shot, appearing “scattered” “all the way.”

on my radar: gun sales

Since when does Walgreen's sell machine guns without offering a coupon?

Atlanta's an exciting city these days: "drought of ages" (Def Leppard song maybe?), BET Awards, Trump Towers being built and FBI activity daily, but there is one place that's just hopping in the "City of Peachtree Streets" and that's the Walgreen's at Piedmont and North. Just days ago, Rapper TI was arrested attempting to purchase machine guns and silencers in the parking lot in front of the Walgreen's. What the hell!!!

I could see it happening at a Walmart or Costco, where you'll always find low prices or volume discounts, but a Walgreens? How un-hip is that for the "King of the South" to be doing "the drop" at a Walgreens? My friendly neighbor Carol Wright sends me coupons weekly to go out and give my hard earned dollars to local merchants, but even she doesn't promote Walgreen's; maybe she will now.

Is there mailing list, or FBI list, that gets me access to machine guns? Can I find silencers on eBay, or must I post on Craig'sGunList? I'm just wondering and trying to keep my shopping options open; I hate having to give all my business to Walmart when I can go elsewhere, or at least shop around. Maybe I will ask TI how he heard about the sale...

It is reassuring to know that machine guns and silencers are still easy to come by...

Anyone able to answer me how a Columbine or VTech massacre can happen?

on my radar: hindsight

How many New Yorkers would give me a hug if I was screaming at them on Broadway? Would anybody, anywhere, bother to give me anything but the finger or tell me to shut up or just call the cops? As tragic as the death of Carol Anne Gotbaum was, I find it sad that her husband has chosen to say all she needed was "some tenderness, a hug instead of handcuffs." You are from New York buddy- who in their right mind is going to give someone the time of day, better yet a hug, when they are acting all Anne Heche circa 2001? Sure it's a simple cure, but it ain't going to happen. Hell, A-Rod can't catch a break, why would she?

Hindsight says that "tenderness" would have been the right panacea, but if she went all postal and stabbed, bit, or otherwise attacked anyone who approached her, who'd be the fool? And in this day and age, those behaviors are about as likely to happen as a celebrity's going to rehab or jail.

Think what her agitated mental state was at the time of the incident...ponies coming at her from the sky, not a drink for days, no plane ride for her....not the person I'd think to say, "Can I give you a squeeze?" without her treating me to a "Monster's Ball" dance with bruises.

Yes, her death, while in custody at the Phoenix Airport, is quite bizarre and tragic, but to wish it away with trips to Fantasy land wont make things better and only create a false sense of blame and delay the healing.

that explains the smile!

Mr. Potato Head in ecstasy bust

Upon opening the parcel, the officers were greeted with the smiling face of the popular children's toy, which features a potato-like head and removable facial features. But when they removed a panel from the back of the toy, the officers found 10.34 ounces of ecstasy in a plastic bag.

Bursting Bubbles One by One (sorry Glinda): stupid questions

On occasion, something, or someone, or something someone has said will hit me in a funny way; not so much a funny "ha ha" kind of way; more like a "WTF?" "that is so annoying" kind of way. It's usually nothing earth shattering like seeing Amy Winehouse eating at a McDonald's, or Courtney Love looking a hell of a lot like Michael Jackson; it's usually much more subtle in the "did anyone else catch that besides me" kind of way. Once I have noticed it, it can't be ignored, like a mosquito bite (but not a west nile one)- it keeps "itching" at me and my sensibilities (note: "MY" sensibilities, I'm taking some huge leeway here) and finally something has to give, and that's where this space comes in. Here's some venting space...

The first bubble I'd like to burst is the idiotic notion that there are, "no dumb questions." No dumb question? Kiss Mo'Nique's ass! And that's a lot of ass! I'm calling "bullshit!" You know it and I know it, so just quit saying it! Yes Virgina, there are, in fact, insipid questions!

Here's a sample: when some one wakes you from a nap and asks, "why are you napping?" or "did I wake you?" or when you eat something that tastes spoiled and they want you to tell them "does this taste bad to you?" Or, is Steven Seagal the best actor of our time...Is the world flat? Does Bush know what he's talking about? Does the war make sense...

Yep...the proof of the pudding is in the eating...chow down on dumb questions!

on my radar: career moves

Britney Spears is answering the call! No, she's not Broadway-bound to star in "The Vagina Monologues"; after a flurry of job interviews this past week (and a stop off at Kevin's with the kids) it has been announced by Britney herself (since she has fired everyone around her)that she will no longer pursue a career in drunkenness, debauchery, motherhood, or singing; she is planning on focusing her time and energy on nunnery (it was too hard to become a Scientologist). She has pledged to spend her time in the Sisterhood of the Traveling NoPanties Covenant and hopes to spread the word of God through animal sounds and rhythmic movements.

Inspired by a night out of partying and then endless viewings of "The Sound of Music", Britney truly believes she can be the next Maria von Trappe; she just needs more children to look after, and thus she shed her two tykes in hopes of gaining 6 more, slightly older, kids. Friends close to the musician, who question her mental stability believe she is more likely to become the next Mary Kay Leturneau before she becomes a saint. Just released court documents bolster those friends concerns, revealing that Britney had hoped to give her kids to anyone but Kevin Federline, with her preference being Maury and Connie, Paris and Nicole, and Sarah Silverman.

Now that's just crazy!

on my radar: odoriferous

Mariah smells up the place with her new perfume.

The assault continues- is no sense safe?

1. Sight: way too abused via MTV and BET, I used to envy Hellen Keller.

2. Sound: Even dogs hear the highest pitches- that's no fantasy!

3. Taste: always been bad!

4. Feel: nauseated by career spanning the 1999-2007 years and when seen pushing an ice-cream cart.

5. Smell: until now I could escape that one! Probably like thrown-up cotton candy at a state fair.

The Sixth Sense: I saw her career dead years ago, but the bitch won't stay dead! Can't she be more like Martika??

Common Sense: never had, never will; meltdown in 2002 now blamed on global-warming.

And what's up with that picture? Looks like she's lying in a pool of someone's blood (Beyonce's?) getting ready to fart!

Save yo ur money, buy a Febreeze candle instead!

Just my two cents....

on my radar: September

Holy Shit! Where did September go? Wasn't it only yesterday that Labor Day weekend started?
I have checked the calendar 3 times to make sure someone isn't fooling with me. Now I feel the pain of someone who has their stuff stolen and really wants it back ...I just won't pull a gun, knife, or anti-theft "the club" tool out to get it back! Sunrise, sunset...

I was astounded by the gossip that swirled around poor Miley Cyrus/Hanna Montana this past weekend! To think she might be "with child!" She's fourteen years-old for goodness sake! Come on, it's not like she's hanging out with Woody Allen or Kevin Federline (is she?) or Vanessa Hudgens!

"September morn. We danced until the night became a brand new day

Two lovers playing scenes from some romantic play

September morning still can make me feel this way" Neil Diamond baby!

on my radar: OJ

So I just didn't have the time to skip work and stand in-line for the new Halo 3 release, and I wasn't sure if it was really woth $60 bucks, so I made a game up instead, let's play "Where in the world is OJ's stolen shit?" Winners get the chance to steal OJ's Heisman trophy hidden somewhere in the world with Carmen SanDiego.
As a gamer you journey across America, flying from sunny Florida to Las Vegas, earning points by signing autograph's and not getting caught dumping bloody knives in the airplane bathroom. The more autographs you sign, the less guilty you feel. Earn more points upon your arrival to Las Vegas by locating a wedding party that consists of men carrying weapons who are willing to bust into a hotel room. Loss of points if one of the men is Kato Kaelin. Wearing any type of gloves, other than Isotoner's, or Bruno Magli shoes instantly lands you in court; lose freedom for a week. Rent from Hertz gains you points and speeds you through the check-out line. Successfully keep money hidden from the Goldman family buys you a lavish home in Florida. Write a tell-all book and lose all points. Continue to look for killer and stolen memorabilia on golf courses around the globe- end up wealthy and a free man. Get busted for acting like Walker Texas Ranger-priceless and lose your freedom- game over.

on my radar: whiter shade of pale

So I went into my local Sherwin-Williams store the other day, hoping to redo the walls of my condo. Do you know how many different shades of white there are? Holy Crap! Not only is there "eggshell" and "sandy beach", but there's "Mariah Carey" and "Barak Obama" right alongside "Martha Stewart" and "red-headed skin tone". Well, as much as I liked Obama, apparently he is just too white for my space, Jesse Jackson's too it appears!

This is just driving me crazy, how racist is it to tell someone they are "acting too white?" This is what Jesse called Obama over his "lack" of enough reaction to the "Jena 6" story. Are there white and black protocols I don't know about when it come to reacting to injustices done to people? If I, for one minute, were to say Al Sharpton is just being "too black" about how he's handling the whole thing, I'd be deemed racist, so why is it okay to say it in reverse? Will Jesse Jackson rename the President's house the Obama House or is that too white?

On a side note, when the President first heard about the Louisiana ordeal, he called Laura up to as why Jenna was down there having sex with six guys.

on my radar: criminal justice

God love the Constitution and the right to the freedom to speak freely, unless you are on Fox and have a point to make about the war...or just want to invoke the "non-offensive" (per FCC guidelines) expression, "goddamn"; you'll be censored, right Sally? Heck, even the ACLU is defending Larry Craig's right to a private conversation regardless of where it transpires, even if he doesn't support the ACLU's endeavors.

So what does it take these days to get busted? Ironically, for OJ, murder isn't what will get you locked up, but busting in to a hotel room, stealing your (or someone elses- it's not really clear) shit with weapons drawn and holding some sports memorabilia collectors hostage might do what a damn bloody knife and ill-fitting glove couldn't do...give him a life behind bars. Ain't that something! Poetic Justice?

The beauty of OJ's circumstance is the statement made by his lawyer, asserting that "it is only because of who OJ is that he is still behind bars, anyone else would have been granted bail and been released with in hours". No shit Sherlock! "Anyone else" hasn't been up for murder and tried to flee in a white Bronco...talk about a flight risk!

The perfect "lovely bones" twist to this crime would be a pan away from the incarcerated OJ and see Nicole Simpson's angel flying over the Nevada desert dumping the "missing stolen" goods!

Comedienne killed the videostar?

Anyone who watched the news today was reminded of the dreadful act that was committed on our country's soil 48 hours ago. Yes, it has been 48 hours since the Britney bomb went off, and General Petraeus couldn't be happier. Didn't Hilary Clinton say the Republicans would benefit from another bombing? She was right! While some news was dedicated to the Iraq report presented to Congress by Gen. Petraeus, a good portion of the news was still focusing on the aftermath of the debacle known as Ms. Spears.

Who to blame? The comedienne Sarah Silverman was the first target. Rep's claim Britter was so upset about the comedy act that was to go on after her, poking fun at her children, that Britney couldn't perform (boy that was obvious- even to Stevie Wonder!). Hmm, seeing how Sarah said no one knew her material prior to her delivery, I'd have to strike that one off the list. And we know Britney ain't a psychic or she never would have: left JT, had a 24 hour quickie marriage, starred in Crossroads, met KFed, 2 kids, party with Paris, shave her head or wear Lohan's stripper outfit to the VMA's), so she couldn't have known the material ahead of time.

Next best guess: a government conspiracy to distract us from the real news; a failing war report. I think it worked! My only damning proof is the eerily similar timing of another catastrophic bombing 6 years ago, the release of Mariah's "Glitter" CD. That bomb hit hard on Sept. 11th 2001, and 6 years later, we all still talk about where we were when that bomb was dropped.

Can someone open an X-File on this? Mulder? Scully?

on my radar: going nuts over football (ouch!)

Not for the faint -hearted....but too strange to be fiction

OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) -- To some Oklahoma football fans, there are things that just aren't done in the heart of Sooner Nation, and one of them is to walk into a bar wearing a Texas Longhorns T-shirt.
That's exactly what touched off a bloody skirmish that left a Texas-shirt-wearing fan nearly castrated and an Oklahoma fan facing aggravated assault charges that could put him in prison for up to five years.
The shocking case has set off a raging debate in this football-crazed region about the extreme passions behind a bitter rivalry. Some legal observers have even questioned whether this case could ever truly have an impartial jury.
"I've actually heard callers on talk radio say that this guy deserved what he got for wearing a Texas T-shirt into a bar in the middle of Sooner country," said Irven Box, an attorney in this city 20 miles from Oklahoma's campus in Norman.
According to police, 32-year-old Texas fan Brian Christopher Thomas walked into Henry Hudson's Pub on June 17 wearing a Longhorns T-shirt and quickly became the focus of football "trash talk" from another regular, 53-year-old Oklahoma fan Allen Michael Beckett.
Thomas told police that when he decided to leave and went to the bar to pay his tab, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn't let go, even as bar patrons tried to break it up. When the two men were separated, Thomas looked down and realized the extent of his injuries.
"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."
It took more than 60 stitches to close the wound, and police interviewed Thomas at a nearby hospital emergency room.

on my radar: effing bore!

WTF was up with Britney???

The VMA's started out like an old Lawrence Welk show...tediously slow, crappy music, and incredibly lame dancing. Oh wait, at least Lawrence's show had sparkle from the bubble-making machine; Britney was flatter than Shelley Duvall or three-day old champagne!

Was this her first day of sober dance rehearsals? She stepped like a pregnant cow, looked barely thinner than a hefer, and appeared horribly unprepared to do the number. Trista Sutter looked more certain of her dance step when she hoofed it on "Dancing with the Stars" (and she was the first to be eliminated in Season One). Mo'Nique could bust out more moves and look more graceful than B-list Spears! A real officer of the people should have pulled over this wreck of a performance and cited her with a DUI, "dancing un-inspired."

Apparently Brit's been so busy trying to remember her children's names that she didn't have time to learn the words to her own song! It probably didn't help her cause that she was up till 6AM partying Sunday morning with Diddy and just saying "no no no" to her rehab stint with grey goose and red bull cocktails.

And as for the "barely there" outfit; the only way that 2-piece looked good on her was if she was using a circus mirror or she did a 3-year time rewind-God that would be good for her!

If I could rewrite the lyrics they would definitely incorporate the words "what a bore, what a bore! Give me less, quit looking like a whore...." Anesthesia, Britney be thy name.

Kanye had it right when he bitched that she shouldn't open the show, she just about put it to sleep! She's just lucky Michael Vick wasn't in the audience with that dog of a performance!

on my radar: Fall

Farewell my summer love! Summer loving, had me a blast!

Dido and I must get the sand out of my shoe and head into Fall...after a week at the beach I'm a'peelin!

Have been beaching it...I will blog again!

on my radar: the "wide stance" defense

Shot to the heart and you're to blame,

Republicans are giving homosexuals a bad name!

Talk about a quandary! On one side you have these men (lately they've been high ranking Republicans: Larry Craig, Bob Allen, and Mark Foley) who spout hate and propose laws to oppress minorities but then get caught with their pants down in public restrooms (or chat rooms) with other men. These men deny any wrong doing, but are caught in the act of homosexual activities (the very same stuff they are writing laws against), most news watching people then determine these men are "closeted" gays and whitewash a whole segment of the population (the gay community) talking about "deviant behaviors", and yet these "exposed" men (save George Michael) don't profess to being gay...and so the people who suffer from the behavior of these men are the gays.

And thus you get to the other side of the issue; why does the gay community take a hit every time a Republican gets busted for inappropriate homosexual activity? It's kinda like an alcoholic Senator who pushes for prohibition and then gets caught drunk at a speakeasy...kinda.

My favorite quote from the story (from CNN) "When the police interviewed him later, the senator said that "he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom" and that was why his foot may have touched the officer's, the report said."

Stand back, he's got a wide stance!!!! Hate to know what's he's having for lunch...

on my radar: an act of contrition?

Lying beside you, here in the dark (prison cell)

Feeling your heart beat with mine

Softly you whisper, you're so sincere (they'll forget in a year)

How could our fans be so blind

We sailed on together (dog fighting ring)

We drifted apart (when the Fed's found out)

And here you are by my side (busted!)

So now I come to you (my fans, NFL, Arthur Blank), with open arms

Nothing to hide, believe what I say (this time around)

So here I am with open arms

Hoping you'll see what your love (money) means to me

Open arms (and I found Jesus, by the way...)

Living without you, living alone (no contracts or endorsements)

This empty (dog)house seems so cold

Wanting to choke you, wanting you near

How much I wanted you home (but not where the dogs were dug up)

But now that you've come back (don't call it a comeback!)

Turned night into day

I need you to "stay" (perform well or I will kill you!).

on my radar: "witch fight"

Apparently, it's still too hot in Georgia so the devil made a U-turn and high-tailed it to Salem instead; thus leading the locals into a "witch fight". No, seriously. Is this what happens when good witches go bad?

"SALEM, Mass. (Aug. 23) - A self-proclaimed high priestess of Salem witches and a second person were accused of tossing raccoon parts on the doorsteps of businesses, allegedly as part of a Wiccan community feud. Sharon Graham, 46, and a fellow Wiccan, Frederick Purtz, 22, pleaded not guilty Wednesday to charges of littering and malicious destruction of property. Graham also was charged with intimidating a witness. They were accused of putting a raccoon head and entrails on the doorsteps of Angelica of the Angels and the Goddess' Treasure Chest in May."

This reads like a low-rent version of the "Witches of Eastwick", just no cherry pits.

It's good to know that in this technological world of computers and reality checks, that witches still do exist...and that they use their powers not to heal the world, but to dismember nocturnal mammals and leave them on the doorsteps of their enemies, like a postal-wiccan Amway salesperson ; calling Dr. Bombay, come right away!

Someone get the Charmed Ones to help referee this magical Hatfield's-McCoy before they make Michael Vick look pet friendly! Witches fighting is so not fetch!

on my radar: W(why)TF????!!!!

Oh my eyes!!! They BURN!!!

Haven't we suffered enough?

First she bombed us on Sept. 11th, 2001 with her "Glitter" cd,

Next we had to run off to the pawnshop to offload her "Charmbracelet" at discount prices,

Then Universal Music Group records chose to Emancipate Mimi onto an unsuspecting crowd,

Now Willy is killing us all with a rumored duet...but this hits a new low

Stevie Wonder doesn't know how lucky he is to not have to see this sight! Someone protect the kids and the cow she's hiding....

on my radar: Hotel California

Well bust my buttons and ring all the bells...

The"Queen of Mean" is dead, or "the wicked bitch" if you're nasty!

Come out, come out, where ever you are, Mrs. Hemsely has left the premises for a location a tad more toasty! I wouldn't be so cruel, but she was! She was mean to everyone around her...nightmarish tales of abuse and ill-behavior that would make even Stephen King shudder! The horrible ways in which she treated her staff and her employees, you'd swear she was the role model for Naomi Campbell! And, as a business owner of hotels no less, to publicly denounce the patrons of your hotel while they are there....is crazy! And to throw in spicy derogatory remarks (at the gay tourists) just makes her the lowest of low class...hasn't she heard of the gay Mafia? She certainly was risking bad hair and make-up appointments for the rest of her life! But, by looking at her pictures, it looks like a few gay mafioso's got to her! Is it Leona or the Joker?

So it is only fitting to assume that she has passed out of this world and is now running the Hotel California in another...

on my radar: splitting (nappy) hairs

While reading the news today, I had a "Mirror Glass" moment that made me think I had stumbled through the paper and ended up in "Ally McBeal" land. No, this had nothing to do with too skinny people, it had to do with zany, frivolous lawsuits.

If I were to ask yo who Kia Vaughn is, who could answer? Anyone? Anyone?

Here's the answer:

Kia Vaughn is a member of the Rutgers women’s basketball team who is now suing Don Imus and CBS, claiming the radio personality’s sexist and racist comments about the team damaged her reputation. Vaughn’s lawsuit, believed to be the first by a player in the case, says Imus and his former co-host Bernard McGuirk, along with CBS Corp. and CBS Radio, are legally responsible for damage done to her character and reputation. There is no dollar amount listed in the suit

Excuse me? Me thinks a tad bit of ego and a lot of foolish advise has gone to her head!
How can someone, who 99/100 people have no clue who she is, better yet recollect and align Imus' comments to her specifically, claim defamation and damage to character? Who knows her character, and more honestly, who cares? And brutually, who follows Imus?

Did he say her specifically? I think not! She outed herself on Oprah as a spokesperson for the team, but that was after the fact; she the one who made herself a "face" for the team. Trust me, before they spoke up, outside of close friends and family, nobody knew who Rutger's players were.

Now, granted the comments were just stupid, but we all have a right to stupidity under the 1st Bush Amendment; and she has a right to stand up and call him out for his foolishness, but me thinks nobody ever took 2 cents to Imus' words and went out and treated any of the women, or Kia specifically, different than they would have before the comments were made. This just sounds like an ill-fated attempt to "get even"...hadn't most everyone all ready forgotten the whole thing? Could anyone outside of Rutger's remember what team Imus' referenced?

I wonder, does Kia have a dad who lost his pants at a dry cleaner in DC?

on my radar: fallen stars

It humbles me to admit (or is it a badge of pride) that I have never seen any of the follow-up movies to "Star Wars"; humbles me because it kinda takes me down a notch when I claim to be so on the know of most things pop culture. I would never claim to be "Stephen Kingly" connected, because he is just freakishly on the hook with everything, but I think I could pass a random quiz if I had to....just don't make me pick Star Wars categories.

So, I'm just wondering, since I didn't watch those other movies, did things get so bad for the evil empire: death star blowing up and all, Jedi's exacting revenge, making us (you, not me) deal with Jar-Jar, sending Sith's out to do a man's job, and attacking clowns (or was that a Judy Collins song?) that Darth Vader had to do his own shopping back here on Earth? I mean, even without a home planet, I could swear the technology they had could have atleast "beamed" something to him! How sad must it have been to crush galaxies, bust still have to wait in the 7-11 line? And what's with Coke? I so would have guessed him to be a Pepper!

Just another reason why Star Wars fans (geeks) get their arses kicked by Harry Potter people at the conventions!

on my radar: 756

Finally!

Why did the fool have to drag this damn thing on for so darn long?

It seems like "the chase" has been run longer than a Senate Filibuster! And just as boring!

The only reason to be thrilled that a cheater has now claimed the title (and I'm not talking about the Tour de France winner) is the hope that all the media surrounding "the event" will now cease and we can all get back to whatever was being preempted! No more split-screens like "The View"- that just gave me a headache, shutting whichever eye aligned to the half of the television screen that was suddenly forced to witness another "at bat" moment....there's a "Precious Moments" figurine that I doubt will be cast!

Hang in there Hank...I'm sure an asterisk will be inserted shortly!!

on my radar: guilty pleasures

Could the "KFC" trial in Texas simply be about folks who wanted a "KFC Bowl" and were told "No"?

I don't mean to make light of a ghastly crime, but that old tangential mind of mine started strolling the minute I saw those three fattening letters, "KFC", in the evening news; and where pray tell did I stroll? To the land of corn, mashed potatoes (buttered, of course!), chicken, extra gravy and heaps of fat; ah, the infamous KFCBowl!

Sure there is enough fat in one bowl to make Nicole Richie look healthy, but oh is that one tasty 3-meal replacement dish! You only need to run a marathon to burn off the calories!

The concept is so clever: mix everything you might ever want in a "comfort food" meal together in a bowl, try to market it in Sanjaya's (who?) hair, advertise it as complete dinner and viola; every lazy red-blooded American has just spoon feed themselves their next orgasm!

Next time you have sex, skip the cigarette and dig into "the Bowl"...and if you keep at it, soon you won't want (or get) the sex.

Screw being thin, this year, sin is in! And KFC has it by the bowlful!

on my radar: OZ

While I was wittling away the hours, consulting with the flowers...awaiting my plane
I caught a funny notion, that put my mind in motion and handly Bush's administration it did explain!
It had to do with people in the government arena
who make me wanna screama...

A recasting of "The Wizard of Odds"....
Dick Cheney as the man who lacks a heart
Alberto Gonzales as the man who lacks the nerve
And good old Bush as the one who lacks the brains
Condi can be the wicked witch

Sadly, we, lost in this administration, could all be Dorothy- just seeking to get home? Or is that the US soldiers?

And true to the story, in this version, there's no real wizard to help save the day...until November 2008 Or James and the Giant Impeachment!

on my radar: the truth about cats

There are dog lovers and there are cat lovers, and betwixt the two, the twain shall never meet!

I count myself amongst those most hallowed (and smart) of fellow pet people, I like dogs; and this damn cat, Oscar, has done nothing to change my mind, in fact, it has encouraged me to hold fast to my beliefs. Cats to me, and I know these be fighting words, are left best to Asian comics in "Hello Kitty" form and maybe for posters that say "hang in their baby", otherwise, I don't buy them!

So imagine my thrill when I learned that the Grim Reaper now masquerades as a furry pussy; proof, right there in a medical journal, that they are evil! Evil I say! Out damn Oscar, out I say!

Oscar hangs out at a nursing home in Providence, R.I., and then curls up with people who die within 4 hours...cheery cat; like that's what I want to be stuck with before dying, a damn cat! And, imagine how you might feel if Oscar wanders into your room; might as well up the morphine if Oscars comes slinking in! So much for having nine lives! Anybody ever suspect the cat might be a killer? They do that kind of thing to mice, maybe Oscar just snuck out of the Pet Cemetery and has a thirst for human flesh and blood!

I hope, since Oscar keeps killing his friends, that if and when it gets adopted, there is a owner disclosure about life expectancy!

"Don't fear the Calico reaper!"

onmy radar: the unbearable lightness of truth

~the lightning crashes, and a young man cries

his innocents falls to floor

the FCC opens it's eyes

the confusion sets in

before TV viewers change the channel once more~~

Damn! Damn I say! Who can you believe in these days when it comes to TV? What reality is reality TV? My frustration comes from the fact that the Discovery show I was getting hooked on has now been "Emporized", as in the Emperor's new clothes, being revealed to be nothing but a sham.

"Man vs. Wild", with host and survivor extraordinaire Bear Grylls, was created with a simple premise, dump Bear somewhere in the wilds and see how he makes it out on his own. I watched him drink his own pee, squeeze water from crap, eat salmon raw (kinda like sushi), and chow down on a host of bugs and nasty critters...all to save him and allow him to get out safely. The show strongly creates the impression (illusion I guess) of him on his own, camera crew not interfering, just out there till he can get to the roads of safety.

Now it has been learned that much of that is staged, with him staying in hotels some nights and eating during the breaks from filming! In the name of James Frey, what is going on here!!

This so bums me out! It changes the whole outlook of the show! Damn! Another one bites the dust! Next I bet there's never going to be a golden ticket in my Wonka bar wrapper!

on my radar: terminator tactics

Holy Crap!! That Lindsay knows how to kill her own career...ironic her new movie is titled, "I know who killed me?" Yes, we all know!

Was she gunning for the role of the Terminator? The way she was chasing down her ex-assistant's mom in an SUV it sounded like she was hunting down Sarah Connor!

And would ya look at that mug shot, "turn around bright eyes!"

She simply amazes me with the sad level of stupidity she has shown ( I don't want to be a stupid girl). I doubt Promises will use her as a spokesperson any time soon- and everyone was so singing her praises for being out and sober for the past 5 days...she makes Britney look like Mama Theresa!

I'd love to count the ways I find her amusing, but since she can't even get to twelve(steps) why start? Maybe I'll just keep it to .012 or.014, her breathalyzer results!

Carry on my wayward daughter...don't you drive no more!

on my radar: Cruella DeVick

Ironic how his dogs are treated:

"With dogs that don't win, it's not uncommon for them to be electrocuted, shot, hung or burned." But what troubles her even more is "the way the dogs are maintained, kept out in the mud on a short chain, a lifetime of that." That behavior to humans was outlawed with the Civil War!

Seeing how he has been a loser on the fields, should he be treated like his losing dogs?

Cruella De Vick, Cruella De Vick

If he doesn't scare you no evil thing will

To see his doghouse is to take a sudden chill

Cruella, Cruella

The curl in his lips

The ice in his stare

The innocent puppies better be ware

He's an NFL QB, a waste draft pick

Look out forCruella De Vick

At first you think Cruells is a devil

But after time has worn away the shock

You come to realize you've seen his kind of eyes

Watching you from underneath a rock

This vampire bat, this inhuman beast

He ought to be locked up and never released!

on my radar: aunty Emmy

Ask not for whom the Emmy tolls, it tolls for thee (Tony Soprano).

With my best prognosis, Emmy shall in just a few moment bequeath the nominations for the 2007 TV season. Shall the convulted finale of "The Soprano's "(he died!) carry the show to lead all nominations, or will something like "Tori and Dean's Inn Love" reality show rule the roost?

I place high bets on LOST, but fear for the first time, Emmy will award the best drama to a show that has ended it's run, "The Soprano's". The irony of that would be it's finale, which left most viewers dazed and confused and scrambling for answers and was so detested by most viewers, will be what get's it the nominations (and win).

on my radar: St Swithun's Day

Forget Milli Vanilli...there's now, officially, someone else to blame for London's wet weather: St. Swithun!

St. Swithin (or more properly, Swithun) was a Saxon Bishop of Winchester and legend says that as he lay on his deathbed, he asked to be buried out of doors, where he would be trodden on and rained on. For nine years, his wishes were followed, but then, the monks of Winchester attempted to remove his remains to a splendid shrine inside the cathedral on 15 July 971. According to legend there was a heavy rain storm either during the ceremony or on its anniversary.

Wow! That clears up a lot! I'm just left wondering, what kind of crappy Saint is that? Seems to me that the connection with rotten weather would be more likely attached to a sinner! Where's birds singing or nun's flying? Instead you get an Ark worthy bounty of rain? No wonder folks here lean to the Protestant's!

on my radar: d'l'eau!

With all respect to the French and Homer Simpson: d' l'eau! It's hella raining in London!
The rain in Spain has fallen mainly on jolly old England!
It's as if I found myself in Seattle, but everyone was speaking funny, and it wasn't Canadian! There is the comfort of a Starbuck's on every corner and the coverage of Beckham everywhere...and then all the rain. It's like I never really left Seattle. Maybe this is just a wet dream? The children, muggles every one of them, do have striking resemblances to Mr. Potter, and damn if this city is not atwitter as to the fate of the youngster!

I had the fortune to come into the city via Victoria Station...every tourist is smacking their head walking into Platform 9 3/4th...sadly these kids must not realize that they actually need to be at King's Cross Station, then they would get somewhere!

I'd much rather be running around with Rihanna or Mary Poppin's at this moment since she has the magic um-ber-ella! ella ella ella!

on my radar: glamour shots

Donald Trump announced today that all beauty contestants in the TEEN, MISS and Universe competitions will be forbidden from participating in any photo shoot, unless it is done by "Glamour Shots". Following the scandalous pictures that have plague contestants over the past few years, Trump has said enough. He believes by tightening the reigns on the shoots, he can stop the embarrassing leaks of photos that have tripped up Miss New Jersey, Nevada, and others. "If there are going to be lecherous people trying to make a quick buck off of these young ladies, then I want it to be me!", he said.

The decision to use Glamour Shots was a tough one, the final two candidates were Annie Lebowitz and GS, but after a short chat with The Queen, Trump realized there could be only one diva at the shoots, and that was him!

In other news, Donald Trump announced the purchase of all Glamour Shot stores and kiosk's today.

on my radar: code pink

Dear Mr. Chertoff,

The next time you have a "gut feeling" about possible terrorist activity in the USA, take some Pepto-Bismal and keep your mouth shut! How stupid was it for him to say, "I just have a gut feeling we might be attacked?" Poll the American population, virtually everyone thinks something will happen here, again, at some point....that ain't rocket science; that's called hedging your bets!

How much are we paying you for those brilliant, gov't funded hunches? Nostradamus did the same crap for free...and with a little leeway, everything he said can be interpreted to being correct. It's been 6 years since the last major attack, it would come as no surprise if another happened any day, but will Chertoff be dubbed a genius because he "felt" something might happen?

Why should the US spend millions (trillions) on all our "intelligence gathering networks"(and see how far that stuff got us) when we can just check to see if Chertoff saw his shadow to guess what will happen next?

Oh wait, I'm prognosing something...when the world series comes around, either an ALS team will win the championship, or they will lose it. Just a gut feeling...or is it bad gas?

Love,

Sybill Trelawney

on my radar: clone wars

Vapid is as vapid does.

Why does TV always seem to launch shows in pairs? Why isn't there an original idea out there that can be developed without another network offering virtually the same thing, at the same time? I am sitting here watching promos for this new show, "The Singing Bee" when I realized that Joey Fatone must have gotten "The Price is Right" gig because they have replaced him with another guy...one of the Wayan brothers (oops, it's a Brady)? But no, it's not "The Singing Bee" promo, it something about "remembering the lyrics".

Wow, two "Name That Tune" spin-offs in the same week...after about 10 years of nothing! What gives? Is music "hot" again? Why now, and why so eerily similar launches?

That got me thinking about the past few years of television where the viewing audience has been offered double dips of swapping spouses, alien invasions, medical dramas, and annoying kids...again I ask, how does this happen? I might need to call Inspector Gadget to help with this crime, because someone is ripping off someone. But next time big network executive, if you're gonna steal, steal the good stuff!

As I prepare for my jaunt to London, I can't wait to see how many of our TV programs are recognizable as replica's of British programming...Big Brother, American Idol, blah, blah, blah...

Blessed be Natalie Merchant for whom I butcher...
"they say I must be one of the wonders..." but let's stick to man's own creation and leave God out of it...and thus the "New" Seven Wonders were unveiled Saturday night; yes, on 07/07/07....a perfect wedding date for the millions of men who will now have no reason to forget their anniversary!

So after millions of votes, there are now a new group of seven wonders of the world; stuff like the Great Wall (I can build a wall), Petra, Pyramids, and statues all made the list...but I have a better list.

Here's my picks for true wonders, in no particular order(and easily debatable and changeable):

1. How to make authentic Thai coconut soup- I do something wrong every time!
2. The acting career of Nicolas Cage
3. The reunion of Van Halen (is it sponsored by Promises)?
4. Models marrying (not pretty) rock stars
5. W. Bush's second term
6. Pauly Shore
7. Soduko

on my radar: box of rocks

A slight lapse of reason found me watching "The Girls Next Door" last night. First off, they do not live next door to me...there's not that much peroxide and kaolin in the south to keep those 3 in their "natural color."

I think there are quarries of granite that have higher IQ's than these 3 put together, but obviously, smarts aren't their best attributes. Actually, two of them don't seem to be that dumb, it's just that one, Kendra, is so ABSOLUTELY dumb, she drags the others down, or, maybe she makes them look brighter...you choose!

So the "concept" is film the 3 girls Hugh Hefner dates and see what happens when women wear little or no clothes all day. I think that's about it. Oh wait, they pose for photographers and plan Hef's day...wow!!! How do they juggle it all and stay so blond? Oh, wait, Bridget showed her parent the striptease she had planned for Hef's 80th B-day. It was only SLIGHTLY creepy watching the girl's dad watch his daughter strip down to pasties and panties then clap enthusiastically. You gotta think there's something going through proud pops head thinking, "a man older than me is getting this...lucky SOB! Oh, that's MY daughter!"

Now Hef; there's someone who keeps Viagra's stock "surging". This show, in it's THIRD season (where have I been?) is like a train wreck, but so easy to gawk at! And the irony of it all...apparently the demographics skewer to a gay male audience, considering the ads shown during the episode were for gay men's chat lines...I guess I was supposed to be watching it all along!