Where have all the sequins gone?

Imagine my perplexed state of shock, awe, and disbelief, and then the paralyzing anxiety that settled-in when nary a single sequin, rhinestone or bauble could be found when I was attempting to recreate Aretha's crown this weekend!

Never one to flaunt it in public circles, but the milliner that I am was relying heavily on recreating that "bow-toxed" top in the talent competition of the pageant- my mad hatter skilz were to be my crowning glory (every single pun definitely intended)! With out those jewels, how could I compete? My hopes in winning were like a pack of cigarettes under J-Lo's booty, crushed!

Just deal with it!

And so I did! Bouncing back from this early disappointment, or as it shall always be referred to amongst close friends, "the sequins incident '09," I quickly attempted to move to my back-up talent...spelling (and not the Tori kind)!

Yet suddenly I was incapable of putting into alphabetical order, and then spelling correctly, all 50 United States! What the hell? Amber Atkins had just done it with a flourish and I couldn't even place "A-L-A-S-K-A" before "A-R-I-Z-O-N-A!"

***then I woke up***

Folks, let this be a warning to you all. In lieu of Netflixs and football, don't settle for a weekend of beauty pageants and figure skating championships...the resulting dreams could be disastrous!

A sobering dose of Full House!

Drowsy on all things Obama, I feel like the last one at the Thanksgiving dinner table, still nibbling away at the casseroles and pies long after everyone else has begun to seek temporary refuge, fighting with siblings and cousins, for the right to nestle amongst the couch cushions and pillows, for a short siesta, pet hair be damned!

Yup, I'm the one in "The Meaning of Life- The Autumn Years" attempting to find room in my belly for that one last ever-so-slight wafer thin mint, only my plate runneth over with inaugural coverage.

Thank god ("ok, maybe Heath doesn't have the exact same appreciation"), for the Olsen twins and Bob Saget and the wonderfully underrated comedy, "Full House"- Oops, the underrated funny show was "Arrested Development."

But back to the "healing" powers of "Full House".

"Full House" helped defeat the evil clutches of inertia (does Einstein know about this?), a warm and cozy TV room and the Inauguration coverage that I felt so inclined to watch...and watch...and watch. Somewhere along the way I might have nodded off, no disrespect meant, and in my temporary slumber I managed to (subconsciously perhaps?) change the channel to "Full House." Well, if having to watch Bob Saget doesn't inspire you to get away from the TV set as quickly as possible, maybe you are numb? Immobilized? In a cast? French?

You know, now that I think about it, Whirlpool could create refrigerators that when opened have mini-chips in them that tell Bob Saget jokes, there's a weight loss plan impervious to failure!

So, kicking and screaming, I must tip my hat to "Full House" for helping get me up and away from the TV (...and back to the computer).

*slighty disgusting video that captures my saturation of the inauguration and my feeling towards "Full House"

Gone Baby Gone...

Phew. Survived that one.
Okay, now that the housekeeping has begun, let's get to cleaning up this joint!

If You Seek Amy

Millions of people begin the new years with resolutions:

"Hey, maybe Ill dye my hair,
Maybe I'll move somewhere,
Maybe I'll get a car,
Maybe I'll drive so far
They'll all lose track,
Me, I'll bounce right back,
Maybe I'll sleep real late,
Maybe I'll lose some weight,
Maybe I'll clear my junk,
Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine" (thanks Dolly!)

Maybe* I'll leave Amy Winehouse in 2008.

*past tense (I had every intention to leave her ill-enough alone, but she has proven to be as addictive as Oxycontin to Rush L.)

Twitching and itching and DT's be damned, I had made it ALL THE WAY to the Ides of January, with nary a tale of Winehouse to be told... Until I she broke down. Hang on tramps and thieves, I am going through an Amy relapse worthy of Jeff Conway in "Celebrity Rehab"!

Two days ago, Miss Winehouse, in the middle of her vacation in the Caribbean, chose to chat with journalists, blathering on about her new found sobriety (well, she still drinks, but no drugs), healthy lifestyle and new beau.

Fabulous! Wonderful! She almost sounds articulate and believable! I'm rooting for her!...

AND THEN...a day later, The Press breaks the story (and pictures to back it), "for she (Amy) has been spotted crawling up to holidaymakers and grabbing their drinks after fed-up resort staff refused to serve her." Like a cat pacing outside a fish store hoping to steal scraps, or pigeons huddling near a crazy-lady with bread crumbs to dole out, Amy Winehouse is lurking and crawling around the outsides of bars, trying to steal the drinks of patrons not watching their glasses! How high school!

REALLY AMY???!!!

But, given where she has been, perhaps it's an improvement!

Cue the band, here's a salute to Miss Winehouse (with some help from Tracy Byrd)...


"She grabbed me by the arm said come on let's go
She dipped down spun around and doe-see-doed
She rocked back on her heels dropped down to her knees
Crawled across the floor then she jumped back on her feet
She wiggled and she giggled beat all you ever saw
Said this is how you do the Amy Winehouse crawl

She said we got a hundred gallons of sweet red wine
Stolen from the biggest tourists glasses she could find
Help yourself to some, don't obey the law
If you drink, don't pay, do the Amy Winehouse crawl!"

LOST in emotions!

Ooh baby I'm LOST in emotions!

I’m so excited I might need to wear adult diapers!

“It’s been seven hours and fifteen days, since you took the island away from me…” No, it has been a hell of a lot longer!

LOST is almost found again! After like, over 5 years of being off the air, LOST is coming back next week and, like the good partner I am, I am not asking any questions about where he’s been, “...it’s alright, baby comes back, and I don’t really care where he’s been!” But I do care about where Ben is, and when he is!

Rumor has it that the first couple episodes are slamming and help set us up for quite the trip for the rest of the season.

I can’t wait. Tonight ABC is running the final two ep’s from last year as a prep course for next week’s main course!

Lick it up Heather!

LOST

The Bathroom Monitor

Reports claim that up to 2 million more jobs may be lost in the US in 2009; I can only hope Elizabeth Hasselbeck's, Sarah Palin's and Heidi and Spencer's (if he had one!) jobs are among them!

I kid.

(No, I don't.)

I do have an "occupation," (and I use that term as lightly as I use describing Amy Winehouse's current condition as, "all cleaned up and sober,") in mind that I'd nominate for elimination: the attendant at the bathrooms in clubs. Those people bother me something (Sasha) fierce! Even in prison the restrooms aren't guarded (from what I have seen depicted in movies...). Seriously, who wants this job? Peeping Toms or peeps who enjoy working mere feet away from fecal matter (trying hard...not...to...judge...)?

"Quit watching me go pee!"
"No, I don't want any candy ("bought in the restroom- icky! What's that hair on my tootsie roll?")!"
"If I can pee all by myself, I'm gonna guess I can turn on the water all by myself too, Thank you very much!"
"I can get my own paper towels!"

"Oh, you want a tip?"

Here's a tip, get out of the bathroom! Don't hoard and hover over the paper towels, or glare when I don't use your "services!" It makes me want to go all Norma Rae on you; swiping the paper towels from your clutches and throwing the stack of (guarded) towels into the air and showering ("make it rain baby") the room and patrons with Brawny wipes, tip and guilt-free!

The Lady is a Tramp

Hmmm...
Perhaps I need to be more specific?

The Pussycat Dolls? na na na na
MaDonna?
Britney?
X-tina?
Taylor Swift? (gracious! did I call her out or what?)

All are quite good guesses, but the queen of the heap, top of the pops, tranny mess numero uno is no other than, The Lady GaGa, or shall I say, since all we hear is...Radio GaGa?

Yep! Like a thief in the night, stealing from the "House of Knowles", Miss GaGa has taken over the #1 song in America, (RuPaul bless each and every drag-queen!) from the "Leotarded One"- apparently America has voted, and all the single ladies opted to put a ring on "Just Dance".

Yes that infectious little ditty is all over everything, approximately a year after it was released, but who is keeping track, beside Madonna and X-tina, who must be crying into their penniless coffers, wondering how "Just Dance" did what theirs songs couldn't (ancient Chinese secret, huh?).

But given the smorg-ass-borg of singles Solange's sister is still serving up ("Diva", "Halo", "If I were...", "Single Ladies"), you can believe it won't be long before Beyonce has herself back at the head of the buffet line...

wo oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh ooh oh oh oh

Who ya gonna call, Love Hewitt?

Make no mistake, the loss of a child is a horrible thing (the failure to report one missing for 10 years is a whole other post!), but the unseemly task of parents having to defend the child's death must be tantamount to re-living both Bush presidency's, back-to-back, or worse, paying full price to watch "7 Pounds!"

Given the circus ("all eyes on me, in the center of the ring, just like a...") that the Travolta's have found themselves in the middle of, ever since John joined Scientology ever since their son, Jett's, untimely death, and the secrecy that shrouds the beliefs that the family subscribes to, it's no surprise that other members of Scientology are speaking out and defending the Travolta's, and the church.

Can't you just imagine the inner circle of the Scientologists when the Batphone started ringing...

"...crisis at the highest level; death of a member, what do we do?"

L. Ron (bitch, you know he's alive, that the huge secret! L. Ron did what Disney only dreamed of and then he hogged the recipe!) starts to scroll through the membership Rolodex to see who should be deployed...

"Cruise? No, still in recovery mode"
"Kristie Alley? Too fat for real PR"
"Will Smith? Not publicly a member"
"Presley?" um....well, OK, send out a message from Elvis. What, they don't know yet? Okay then, make it Lisa Marie"

John to L. Ron, "...you chose Lisa Marie? even over Dharma to support us publicly? Wow, this isn't going to gain any sympathy. She married Michael, who sees her as credible? Oh, she has a new album to push next month...oh, OK."
"Can we at least schedule an interview with John Edwards to talk to Jett to prove we didn't do anything wrong?"

Celebrity Fit Test

Every now and then, when I mix amongst the common people ("have to wait in line for that damn Starbucks' concoction"), and opt to hear the plebeians shouting questions at me, (I mean really, do they understand who they are shouting at?) I like to embrace and bestow my altruistic nature upon them, and so I will answer them, "Quit the F@#$! shouting at me!"

No, really, I don't quite say that, my smile says that, and then my publicist cuts me off before I utter a single swear word.

My favorite question is always, how do you know if you are, or are not, a celebrity?

Well, if you have to ask, why not ask that to Kathy Griffin, bitch!

So, for the good of mankind and VH-1 viewers everywhere, and you know who you 8 are, I felt it was incumbent for me to set the world straight with a simple Celebrity Fit test. These simple question will help you identify what your status is:

Celebrity Fit Test:
1. Have you had a pregnancy that resulted in multiple births? Aaron Spelling shines down on pretty people with double the children
2. Is there a scent created/named for you? please don't wear it!
3. Do you talk to people who yell at you with cameras and bright lights in your face? (If TMZ taught me anything, when I watched it, is that real celebs don't answer unless they are drunk or high)
4. Have you been declared dead but just been really drunk?
5. Do friends have to remind you of last weekend before you read about it on the newsstand?
6. Have you guest starred on "30 Rock" or SNL this season?
7. Have you ever been on VH-1?


Answer key:

Answering "YES" to questions 1, 2 and 6 only means you are a B-list celeb (like an A-lister would take this test- their publicist would for them!)
Answering "YES" to any other questions means you may simply be from "The Hills" or are a stalker/drunk or past child star grasping again for glory days and a paycheck from someone besides Applebees and GEICO.

Undeck the Halls

That's right folks, it's time to strip bare the holiday cheer, go back to work and start praying for the winning lotto numbers because credit card bills will be here quicker than another shitty Adam Sandler movie can arrive into the theatre.

It is, after all, already January 5th, high time them lazy folks, and you know who you are, to take down all that is Christmas: ornaments, trees, angels, and lights- they all got to go! Technically, they have a day or two to go, seeing how the "12 days" plays out till Epiphany- well here's an Epiphany from my heart to yours: take that shit down!

Okay, maybe I really only mean this to the one or two tacky displays that make the local neighborhood streets look like an additional runway for the local airport, but for the love of half-inflated 8 feet snowmen, dirtier than a lost shoe at a Green Day mosh pit, let go of the season! Put up an old Farrah Fawcett poster instead if you want to salute an Angel!

Oh, and if my family is reading this (and only one does), Hello- like you can't order things online to get them here in time for the holidays? Just because YOU had more snow than Alaska this year doesn't mean UPS Santa can't deliver on time to the South.