If You Seek Amy

Millions of people begin the new years with resolutions:

"Hey, maybe Ill dye my hair,
Maybe I'll move somewhere,
Maybe I'll get a car,
Maybe I'll drive so far
They'll all lose track,
Me, I'll bounce right back,
Maybe I'll sleep real late,
Maybe I'll lose some weight,
Maybe I'll clear my junk,
Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine" (thanks Dolly!)

Maybe* I'll leave Amy Winehouse in 2008.

*past tense (I had every intention to leave her ill-enough alone, but she has proven to be as addictive as Oxycontin to Rush L.)

Twitching and itching and DT's be damned, I had made it ALL THE WAY to the Ides of January, with nary a tale of Winehouse to be told... Until I she broke down. Hang on tramps and thieves, I am going through an Amy relapse worthy of Jeff Conway in "Celebrity Rehab"!

Two days ago, Miss Winehouse, in the middle of her vacation in the Caribbean, chose to chat with journalists, blathering on about her new found sobriety (well, she still drinks, but no drugs), healthy lifestyle and new beau.

Fabulous! Wonderful! She almost sounds articulate and believable! I'm rooting for her!...

AND THEN...a day later, The Press breaks the story (and pictures to back it), "for she (Amy) has been spotted crawling up to holidaymakers and grabbing their drinks after fed-up resort staff refused to serve her." Like a cat pacing outside a fish store hoping to steal scraps, or pigeons huddling near a crazy-lady with bread crumbs to dole out, Amy Winehouse is lurking and crawling around the outsides of bars, trying to steal the drinks of patrons not watching their glasses! How high school!

REALLY AMY???!!!

But, given where she has been, perhaps it's an improvement!

Cue the band, here's a salute to Miss Winehouse (with some help from Tracy Byrd)...


"She grabbed me by the arm said come on let's go
She dipped down spun around and doe-see-doed
She rocked back on her heels dropped down to her knees
Crawled across the floor then she jumped back on her feet
She wiggled and she giggled beat all you ever saw
Said this is how you do the Amy Winehouse crawl

She said we got a hundred gallons of sweet red wine
Stolen from the biggest tourists glasses she could find
Help yourself to some, don't obey the law
If you drink, don't pay, do the Amy Winehouse crawl!"