The Bathroom Monitor

Reports claim that up to 2 million more jobs may be lost in the US in 2009; I can only hope Elizabeth Hasselbeck's, Sarah Palin's and Heidi and Spencer's (if he had one!) jobs are among them!

I kid.

(No, I don't.)

I do have an "occupation," (and I use that term as lightly as I use describing Amy Winehouse's current condition as, "all cleaned up and sober,") in mind that I'd nominate for elimination: the attendant at the bathrooms in clubs. Those people bother me something (Sasha) fierce! Even in prison the restrooms aren't guarded (from what I have seen depicted in movies...). Seriously, who wants this job? Peeping Toms or peeps who enjoy working mere feet away from fecal matter (trying hard...not...to...judge...)?

"Quit watching me go pee!"
"No, I don't want any candy ("bought in the restroom- icky! What's that hair on my tootsie roll?")!"
"If I can pee all by myself, I'm gonna guess I can turn on the water all by myself too, Thank you very much!"
"I can get my own paper towels!"

"Oh, you want a tip?"

Here's a tip, get out of the bathroom! Don't hoard and hover over the paper towels, or glare when I don't use your "services!" It makes me want to go all Norma Rae on you; swiping the paper towels from your clutches and throwing the stack of (guarded) towels into the air and showering ("make it rain baby") the room and patrons with Brawny wipes, tip and guilt-free!