on my radar: lumps of coal

The annual phenomena known as "accounting for one's behavior" hits a frenzied pace as the minutes tick closer to midnight (of Dec. 24th). The next few hours will be the crucial litmus test that will clearly identify if one's actions were really appreciated by others, or if you have been sadly misunderstood; yep, them lumps of coal lets you know that you, and only you, found more good, and less evil, in your actions, then anybody else. How nice would it be to feel "got"?

So the awkward shape in my stocking gave me a moment's pause- surely Santa knew when I was (and wasn't) joking. Could he really discern my sense of humor at anything Britney Spears related this year and not mistake me for a mean spirited Perez Hilton or TMZ? Was I to be the recipient of coal for lack of another's understanding (wow, my very own Isaiah Washington moment)? Consider for the moment getting a lump of coal; if I had a heating bill issue I might find the gift rewarding, but seeing how I'm electric, coal was not a good omen.

After pondering the shape of the object in my stocking for another minute, with dread building inside, I took the plunge (like a child being coaxed into it's first dive into the deep end of the pool) reached my hand into the stocking and pulled out the present.

And what to my wondering eyes did appear, but a gift, no longer gift-wrapped with fear. I could tell right away that this was no ordinary lump of coal, in fact, it wasn't coal at all! I rejoiced and relaxed, knowing my Christmas would be saved, because Santa "got" me and didn't bequeath to me twelve new months of generosity and groveling to make the point for Xmas 08, in the shape of coal. Instead I was handsomely rewarded with... a nose?

Swaddled, like nothing but the baby Jesus, lay a nose, tightly bound in gauze. What the hell was this I found; explain to me why this is what I was given! But wait, this nose was distinctly familiar to me- I had seen it before, on TV, if my total recall was intact. Yes, I know this nose! More clear than the pictures of Britney's vagina was my new appreciation for the humor of Santa. With this nose I learned that not only did Santa have a sense of humor, but he was also a regifter!! This was not a random nose that was cut off despite it's face, this was the old nose of Ashley Tisdale!

My humor was able to remain intact and my spirits quickly lifted,
all because Santa regifted.

Christmas 2007 was saved by a nose!

on my radar: Christmas Cheer

Happy Holidays!

on my radar: Christmas sing-a-long

As traditional as uneaten fruitcake and bad Christmas sweaters, it is once again time to whip up your hair in a Sanjaya kinda way, strike up the choir (go team LaBelle!) and sing out loud, this year to the tune of "Grandma got run over by a reindeer"...

Jamie Lynn got knocked up by her boyfriend
Playing doctor late one Friday eve
Momma Spears may say she's a great parent
But Disney and Nickelodeon don't believe!

She'd been drinking too many Frappachino's
She should have just said "No!"
And she didn't use protection
Now a baby bump is starting to show

When she confessed the other morning
Ah, the media did attack
So much pushing and shoving for a photo
Auntie Britney growled, "Y'all get the "effe" back!

Jamie Lynn got knocked up by her boyfriend
Playing doctor late one Friday eve
Momma Spears may say she's a great parent
But Disney and Nickelodeon don't believe!

Now were all proud of the paternal grandparents
Admitting the news has left them less than thrilled
They just shook their heads and wondered
Where were the condoms and the pill?

It's no surprise about the baby
"Zoey 101" is about to fade to black
And you just can't help but wonder
Can anything ever get the Spears clan back on track?

Jamie Lynn got knocked up by her boyfriend
Playing doctor late one Friday eve
Momma Spears may say she's a great parent
But Disney and Nickelodeon don't believe!

Now the bun is in the oven
Only 6 more months to go
And the gossips begin to wonder
Is there any lower this family can go?

Nickelodeon warned its friends and neighbors
Better talk to your kids
They should never use the Spears as role models
Or they'll be singing, "dang y'all, oops, look what i done did!"

Jamie Lynn got knocked up by her boyfriend
Playing doctor late one Friday eve
Momma Spears may say she's a great parent
But Disney and Nickelodeon don't believe!

on my radar: Run Zoey Run!

Thank heavens for the Spears family! I look at them and feel even more proud of the children my mother had, realizing how thing might have gone. I feel sorry for the state of Louisiana, though; darn if that family isn't setting the state's reputation back even further! If I were the Governor I'd offer the whole lot of them one-way tickets to Alabama or Oklahoma or North Dakota, where it wouldn't be so easy to sneak back into town.

Where the hell was Nanny McPhee when she was needed to beat the crap out of Lynne Spears all those years ago? Those damn au paires just aren't reliable to shake the right children theses days! Guess that book about parenting that Lynne Spears was authoring is going to have to be written by some other, better, Hollywood parent; right now David Hasselhoff, Michael Jackson and Momma Winehouse must feel a slight sense of opportunity!

So I'm just wondering, what 101 class was Zoey taking? Apparently it wasn't Sex Ed, or she is following, in her barefeet, after her sister and flubbed it royally! What is Nickelodeon to do, start running Public Service messages warning that their 16 year old star got pregnant and you can too? Maybe they should adapt their biggest hit, "Spongebob Squarepants" to this new audience as "Bob, the Sponge."

Hey y'all, I'm pregnant! That's just how we do things in the South!

on my radar: Mitchell's List

Boy do I feel like an amateur not making "George Mitchell's List" (Like "Schindler's" only more salacious, less fatal)! Just when I thought I was big time, I was deflated, like Barry Bonds, 2 weeks after his last injection!

What is interesting to note is what else was mentioned in the report that somehow has been overlooked by the media:

On the 13th day of December, George Mitchell told me (there were):

12 former presidents were found to be adulterous
11 Golden Globe nominee's were shooting up
10 Striking writers freelancing
9 candidates still in the running whose names nobody knows
8 is still enough
7 (of ten voters) thinking Obama is black enough
6 World Wide Wrestling Women with more testosterone than OJ
5 rings of coke on Amy Winehouse's nose
4 Osmonds in rehab
3 sports unions still denying steroid problems (NFL, MLB, NBA)
2 "Dancing with the Stars" champs still living life in spandex
1 still really messed up BCS selection process

on my radar: charity

Dear General Public (not the band, but asking for your tenderness, never the less),

It's Christmas time and there's no need to be stingy when it comes to donating to needy causes, that is why I am asking you to donate to my charity, the "Help Drew Peterson Fund". Yes, there is a war raging, children starving, and something in Darfur and a broken A/C in the polar ice caps, and they get attention year round, but what about those in need, here in the USA, during the holidays? No, not all those with subprime loans or MLB players named in George Mitchell's steroid report, I'm talking about me! Times (alimony) have been hard for me, as my four (three, two) ex-wives can attest to. Some may say I'm a lady killer; I think it's my moustache that oozes charm (like blood from a knife wound) that women can't resist (and if they do, well, lets not go there, or there, or into the garage without a search warrant).

A recent spurt of bad publicity has made it hard for me to work and now I need to ask for your help. Can anyone lend a hand (to help me move a few blue barrels from my garage), and donate a $100 to my bank funds? I promise, when my wife returns, I will pay you back (just as soon as I can).

Don't worry about me as a security risk (they took my passport), I am a sound investment( like a bank stock)! And I am smart (smarter than Kelli Pickler atleast) I have gotten rid of several wives and no one has caught me yet! I'm like a modern day OJ, misunderstood (and guilty as hell).

Please, won't you donate?

Cheers (and gone fishing),

Drew (not Scott) Peterson

on my radar: A-town and 77 degrees!

Atlanta is warm and dry this 10th day of December; way too warm and way too dry, neither being a good thing considering the drought! Where there should be tens of feet of water in the lakes that feed our water supply we are currently barely ankle-shallow in agua to keep the city hydrated, and now we get temperatures in the upper 70's! As smashing as a tan looks in December, this tropical spell isn't going to help keep the water around! Apparently all those prayers got lost somewhere in the stratosphere or god just said no.

I wonder if god applies a triage policy to all of his incoming calls? Maybe Huckabee needed the boost to his campaign more than Atlantan's need water? Dogs across the metro area must have some pull with the powers that be (is god a dog person?) seeing how Michael Vick got a nasty 23month sentence today- although it would irk me a little bit if PETA is so well connected!

Whatever the case may be, and as lovely as this weather is, if you are there god, it ain't Margaret calling, just me- but don't you know that already (prayer ID or something like that)...how about just cooling the weather down 10 degrees or so...and a smattering of rain, (and a Seahawk super bowl, and a 8 win UW football season next year)...cheers!

No, this just doesn't feel right. Those are not my top requests...yes to the Seahawks and UW football, but could ya do something to get Sherri Shepard off the air, end the writers strike and make Bush and the war go away? Cheney too! That's more realistic.

on my radar: tornadoes

Since we aren't the government and don't have easy access to destroying evidence we prefer not to be accountable for, wouldn't it be nice if we could have the power to drop down a tornado (or two) amongst our messes in life and tidy things up for us, so to speak? Wysteria Lane got one in just the nick of time, writer's strike be damned! (I want to know who died!) Now we can clean up those messy little plot points that are going nowhere, and storylines that drive us crazy, with a little help from the ultimate desperate housewife, Mother Nature! How convenient is it for Gabby that her enraged husband just happened to be impaled by a picket fence? Done with that boring plot line! Whoosh! A big suction of air and Sylvia is sucked out of the house and Katherine's life forever!

Of course weather in the real world is never so tidy as it is on tv- funny that! TV makes it looks so g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s (oh the flossy flossy) and easy to clean. Somehow I think Wysteria Lane will be back in business (sans that crappy metal fountain and tree house) faster than New Orlean's Orlean Parrish.

So, if I ran the weather, or happened to be Storm, I would target "The View", aiming squarely at Sherri Shepard. She is an affront to (educated) people striving to make ends meet! How did this idiot get to where she is? Stupid and ignorant; two of the most dangerous "competencies" for someone on the air! First she doesn't know if the world is flat or not, and now she believes "nothing predates Jesus." Hullo? Ever heard of time referred to as "BC"? How can she be so stupid?

Sadly, there are people who just blindly follow the crowd and never even question what they are doing ("incisioned-people" in the "Golden Compass" world), to the point they are ignorant to basic facts. I would aim a tornado at them next! One doesn't have to be smarter than a fifth grader to know life existed before Jesus Christ, or that the world is spherical. Look at the Grammy's...Justin Timberlake again? Nice "follow the crowd" mentality! What else would explain the snub of Annie Lennox's cd in the grammy nominations? Lemmings I say! Funnel cloud headed their way, too!

And if I got one more, I'd aim it towards DC and see if the gov't could be cleaned up...ha ha...where's FEMA now?