on my radar: 56$K a day!

Who gets the last laugh now, beyetches?

Someone will have to amend the quote, "crime doesn't pay" to, "crime doesn't pay, but doing jailtime does!"
After adding up the purported price tags various media outlet will be paying for time with Paris post-jail, it is rumored that Miss Hilton will make approximately 56K for each day she was incarcerated!

Now what message are we sending to the youths of America? After decades of the message to rid neighborhoods of crime, suddenly there's incentive to get busted for doing something; I'm all about being a criminal if the payday is similar to Paris' (and no one gets hurt). And that I have a private cell (or atleast someone pretty). Imagine how much money the Titan's Pac-Man Jones could make if his felony charges stick! Maybe Michael Jackson could clear up his financial troubles doing some hard time!

So there's a lesson in here: who needs a high school diploma when the school of hard knocks pays better dividends?

on my radar: vengence

After realizing how difficult (and ugly) nightly news could be, Katie Couric goes after Meredith for her old morning gig....or is that bridezilla Star stopping by to say hi out of make-up?

on my radar: celebrity death-match

Welcome one and all to the latest round of celebrity death match!

Today's competition should be one of the most exciting challenges since Princess Diana was pitted against Camilla Bowles and a French Tunnel! We have decided to set the challenge in a most unique place, the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood, Ca.! Yes, that's right, we are bringing the action to Paris' summer home. Not only are we bringing the action to her, but she's going to be a part of the competition!

We didn't scrimp on the entertainment for this match, no sirree! We could have gone soft and thrown in Lindsey or Britney or Larry Birkhead or Anna Nicole (she should be down to about the 120 lbs. weight by now), but we wanted more bang for the buck, and so we went from one cellblock to another to find just the right contestant! Yep, that's right, today's challenger, fresh from his flight from Denver and a wee bit of surgery, is Atlanta's favorite lawyer and TB outpatient, Mr. Andrew Speaker!

It's hard to wager who will win this epic battle; Paris, already having found god, has him on her side, plus she has for years successfully managed to not be devoured by the wild paparazzi beast; a skill not even "The Hoff" can claim! But she'll no longer play dumb and that's gotta hurt her chances here! Mr. Speaker has avoided being run over by the ambulances he chases, but when it comes to handling the media he resembles a deer caught in the limelight; will he choke, or will he find that spark that drove him to be wed, humans be damned? This is a tough call!

Oh my! In what must be a most shocking turn of events, Miss Hilton has already seduced and strangled Mr. Speaker (with video tape no less!!!) before the opening bell could be rung. Wow!!! Paris certainly has learned fast from her days with Rick Solomon! That one tape will never make it to video! Paris wins! Or did she? While chatting with Barbara Walter post-fight, it finally struck Paris that she may now be infected with TB and will never leave this cell...I guess we all win in that case!

on my radar: babycakes

When did condoms go out of style?

I'm just a wee bit confused these days when you hear about the string of paternity situations that are, pardon the pun, arising. What's going on papa's? Did ya forget how babies are made? Yep, there's the pill to avoid pregnancy, but what about the guys taking some responsibility?

Let's start with Miss Anna Nicole Smith (rest her weary Trimspa soul): just how many guys stepped forward to claim they were the father, like 5 or 6? So for every guy who claimed they were the father, doesn't that pretty much mean they were having unprotected sex? Yuck! That thought might need a few beers to be rinsed from my brain! And not a one of them used a Trojan (even OJ!).

Shar/Britney: if the rumors are true (how much do we trust the National Enquirer?) K-fed is up to baby number 5 (Shar is supposedly preggers again). I don't get what they see in him, but at least zip-lock it! Why is it that the most fertile men are the ones that should be shooting blanks? Think Brit will take him back now that he's gone back to his former girlfriend?

Elijah Duke: a 22-year old baseball player for Tampa Bay, on to baby number 5 with mother number 4! He's going to need to play ball till he's 50 to afford his brood, and yet spending a buck would have been so much cheaper!

And let's not forget Tom Brady. When you're that hot and everybody wants to have your baby- protect yourself, because the others see dollar signs and diapers when they look at you.

So please, if you need to let your little red corvette out for a test run, don't take the wrapping off until you're sure you can afford the payments and the sitters!

Next week: baby skills 101: how to tie your child up properly when you want leave them in the car and eat in peace at the local Cracker Barrel; available on audio, narrated by Alec Baldwin.

Diary pt. 6: REM

I don't care what they say elsewhere, but it sure is hard in here for a pimp! Jail isn't cool!

I've been good to momma, why isn't momma being good to me? Oh yeah, because people are trying to make my family wait to come and see me- how stupid is that? They aren't the people who broke the law, so why shouldn't they receive preferential treatment?

I am not sure if it is the lack of REM sleep, but I found that losing my religion has helped me to find god! Amazing but true, the reason why folks can't locate him is because, just like love, they've been looking in the wrong places; he ain't in church's, mosques and such, he right here in jail! I'm just happy I found him early during my incarceration, thus I could fairly divvy up the work responsibilities between the two of us- I can't save everyone who askes for my help!

Time for my shower!

Diary of Rich White Inmate pt. 5: weekend plans

Are you there God? It's me Paris!

So this was my first weekend in jail:

Eat cereal, cry, eat bread, barely sleep, cry, find religion (pray that my spray-on tan, which I got during my "housebreak", that should only last 7-10 days lasts for a miraculous 45 days), cry, call mom, talk to Barbara Walters (I called her collect- I am so ashamed), cry, sleep some, eat cereal, see sis and Nic, give up trying to tan in my room because the bars cause horrible lines, sleep some, have an epiphany and become a changed woman.

Now what will I do with the next 30 days? Build an ark? Nope, I'm going to give up the "dumb blonde" act...seeing how this Loreal coloring won't make it through my incarceration I might as well turn over a new leaf and become a real role model to young girls who face a life of crime...like Bonnie Parker of Bonnie and Clyde fame!

DWRI:pt.4. I fought the law...

Boo Hoo!!!

I'm going back to jail, to jail, I'm going back to jail...heigh-ho!

This is a travesty of justice! I have been yank around more in the last 24-hours than Rick's penis was during our entire porn video!

Please friends and hired help, if you believe in me, clap your hands! Save me and Tinkerbell! And to all you bitches who wrote to complain about my reassignment, may you stay dirt poor and in Motel 6's! I bet 3 of the emails were from Britney and her kids!

Nicole, if you are reading this, run for the Canadian, Spanish or Mexican border while you can still escape! Okay, that was pretty funny- even in my emotional state....Nicole running ANYWHERE aint gonna happen...drive fast (but don't get caught or drive the wrong way)...I recommend a white Ford Bronco to getaway in!

I'm spent, no more writing for now!

DRWI: pt. 3: Confusion!

Hi Diary:

I am so confused, what swimsuit looks good with a ankle monitor?

3000 feet is sooo much better than 98! I have to see the judge again today- guess someone isn't happy with my early release (I thought only women experienced that disappointment with bad lovers!). I don't get what all the fuss is about- look at George Michael, he's been caught lots and still doesn't have to do jail time! Wouldn't that be cool if we were ruled by England? Then I wouldn't need that ugly passport picture to visit Spain!

Ok, I must get ready for the judge- do i do my hair up or not? make-up or not?

I don't want to go back to prison, it all ready taught me a lot.. maybe I can be on "Dancing with the Stars" and perform the Cellblock Tango!

"DRWI" pt.2- Gender Reassignment

Holy Smokes and Tinkerbell too!

After 5 (new math according to prison peeps) whole days behind bars I'm free!!

It's because of a nasty rash I got 6 days ago (from Seth Rogan) at the MTV Movie Awards, but it only began to show up yesterday- lucky (itchy scrathy) me! Hope I'm not "Knocked Up!" Now I'm gonna surf the net for Martha's tips on removing an ankle bracelet! Maybe I can slip it on Nicole and let her practice for her sentencing! We should really think hard about making a move about us, maybe something like "Dumb and Dumber" or "Legally Blonde" or something like that...that'd be hot!

They say they have reassigned my gender, or something to that nature...I don't know what that means, but since I get to be home, I don't care!

Diary of a rich white inmate pt. 1

I know why the jailbird sings...because it is so boring in here without my Bose speakers and ipod! Now I understand "Chained Heat"...girls could go crazy in a place like this!!

I have been incaptivity for almost 2 days and i can't imagine how a lion lives with this! At least zoo animals get food thrown at them, kinda like what people do to Nicole when she walks by in a bikini...:-)

Prison is so not like even aHilton Garden Inn or Doubletree or Embassy Suite (not like I have stayed at any of them, but I am told), not that we care what other countries embassy's are designed like, unless it's our in Iraq and someone (Lohan I bet) is posting the prints online, right next to pictures of her with knives...and she sucked in "Georgia's Rule".

Wow, too much thinking, I need a nap.

I

on my radar: Paris sings!

The Sweet Escape:

If I could escape,

I would, but first of all let me say

It's very hard to count down 23 days!

My cell smells like sour milk fell on the floor

My thin mattress is giving me bed sores

My blanket does nothing to keep away the cold

If I could escape

And recreate the world as my "Simple Life"

And I could be your favorite wife

Forever, perfectly together

Tell me Nicole, wouldn't that be sweet?

If I could be sweet

I know I've been a real bad girl

I dind't mean for Britney to get hurt

Forever, we can make your hair better

Tell me Brit, now wouldn't that be sweet?

Sweet escape!

I'm in a paper gown

I'm at my lowest paparazzi point

Come help me out

I need to get me out of this joint

Come on, lets flee

Counting on you to get me out

I need to get Tinkerbell out for a pee!

So baby, my lifes been a little crazy,

Drinking and driving got me a little hazy

Now I'm waiting for you to come save me

Why the world so angry?

By the way they treat me

Don't be so mean to me

I didn't fly around with TB!

If I could escape

And sleep in a bed, not a cot

And I could play in a porn movie

Forever, perfectly together

Wouldn't that be so hot?

on my radar: rosie

Just when you thought it was safe to revisit the Rosie-less airwaves...

Did "The View" go off the air? It just seems like there's no news these days without Rosie being splashed (or splattered, according to your "view") somewhere across a headline. At least when she was yapping, I could stay somewhat abreast of the current events and conspiracy theories that were making news. Now I feel so isolated and uninformed; once again I ponder, did "The View" go off the air? Does Elizabeth have anything to spar about these days or is she on maternity leave already? Now, you might scoff at this, but think about it, Rosie had put "The View" back into mainstream media awareness- you were ALWAYS hearing about something, now, less than 2 weeks after her departure, it's as if it never existed at all. It's like mr. Trump waved his magic wand and said, "View be gone", and poof! It was (just like his "Apprentice" and "Ms. Universe" ratings).

What has supplanted real news and Rosie? Crazy-assed baseball managers!! Managers (adult men) who are kicking, screaming, throwing bases and crawling on their bellies all in the line of duty! Could you do this at your work place and get away with it? Not even the ladies of "The View" ever got this bad, once Starr left. Maybe Rosie's next career move should be as a baseball manager- she'd be a perfect fit! Watch out Mr. Torre!

on my radar: decison-making skills

The NBA needs a make-over! The players need to remember proper pine floor etiquette, "thou shalt not fight with each other or the fans", their uniforms could be amended seeing how they currently take up enough material to clothe a small orphanage, and nobody seems to be able to stand behind a decision.

Making "wise decisions" seems to be a skill set of the past. I recall, in my days of yore and pre-Shrek, being taught the value of sound decision-making and the wisdom to keep your trap shut until you are ready to stand behind that choice. Not so much in the NBA. Lately, the skill to "thinking before you speak" seems to be a talent regulated to 4th tier status, right next to David Hasselhoff's acting abilities.

Kobe Bryant boldly states he's, "leaving the Laker's and there's nothing anyone can do about it", and yet a day later he's backing away from that statement and saying how he wants to remain a Laker till he retires. What's up with the change of heart? All he accomplished was to whine in public and then renege on his statement. Shouldn't he have just kept his mouth shut till he talked to the owners before making these statements? And now Billy Donovan announces his leaving of Florida to coach the Orlando Magic, and then has second thoughts. Again, why not think it through before opening your mouth? Is that asking so much? Or is it just something about being associated with the NBA that makes one wishy-washy? Heck, how many times did MJ retire? Or Barkley or Rodman threaten un-retiring?

In a sport that could use some good press as much as Paris Hilton could, can't someone stand behind a decision they make? Is that asking too much? Heck, at least Paris is following through. How many of us could get away with the reckless statements and actions that the NBA people continue to make and keep the jobs we diss?

Damn! I need to start working on my 3-point shot!