Ah yes, it’s that time again…summer is about here and pressure to play for the company softball team is starting to gain momentum…
Or is tennis the sport you love to play alone?
Do friends recommend you play on Jerry Lewis’ golf team?
Are sports just not your thing, but you can’t escape them?
Or are you just tired of always losing to someone better than you?
NO PROBLEM!!! Let us do the dirty work for you at the”TONYA HARDING CENTER FOR OPPONENT NEUTRALIZATION”
That's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim,dismember, paralyze or even kill that person or persons whoare blocking your path to athletic success.Check out our price list (I doubt Wal-Mart can beat these prices, unless Jeff Gillooly is working for them!):
Blow to the knee $ 99.95
Blow to both knees (a better buy) $149.95
Blow to the head $124.95
Knife in the back (tennis players only) $ 49.95
Kick to the groin (male athletes only) $ 9.95
Poking out one eye $ 49.95
Poking out both eyes (three stooges style) $ 79.95
Gun shot to the knee $199.95
Gun shot to both knees $299.95
Gun shot to the head $499.95
Impalement in a public place $999.95
Remember WEDNESDAYS are bonus days. Order one act of violence and receive another at 50 percent off!
With every order over $300.00, you automatically receive a collapsible hard-plastic baton personally signed by Tonya herself - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.
Order now and receive absolutely free the Lorena Bobbitt Home Castration Kit. Sex-crazed husband not included.
To order, call toll-free at 1-800-JUST-WIN.
Tonya Harding Center for Opponent Neutralization is an equal opportunity employer.
No comments:
Post a Comment