on my radar: 2006

It's a week before Christmas, oh crap what to do?
(If I were in the Seattle Airport challenged by a Jew
I'd take down the trees and not get sued!)
But me, I'll procrastinate more whilst I consider 2006 in review.

Mel Gibson, hung over, caught on a Malibu road
He's not anti-Semitic, except for what the TMZ.com video told.
Michael Richards struggled with a few jeering heads,
Unleashing a racial tirade, helping confirm his career is dead.

Nancy Pelosi, brimming with good cheer,
Santa came early to her house this year.
On the TV there arose such a clatter,
I turned on "The View" to see what was the matter.

Britney with no panties, across the web she was flashed,
With, or without, K-Fed, she still acted like trash.
Even Linsey was in on this show,
All the world had been show their bare "objects below".

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,
Dick Cheney jumped out with his firing stick,
And shot off a few rounds at who must be St. Nick.

More rapid than nukes from North Korea troubles came,
All around the world more conflicts were named:
Thai coups, the middle east, Afghanistan all need fixing
Yet the headlines are dominated by Angelina, that vixen!

Ted Haggert fell and Rep. Mark Foley cried,
They both wanted Lance Bass, who told Reichen, "Bye, Bye, Bye"
Anna Nicole, now what's that girl to do?
A birth, death, and marriage all in a week, or was it two?

And then, in a twinkling, Madonna tried to adopt
Paperwork, protests, and legalese is where she got caught.
A bundle of e coli was spread through the land,
In spinach, lettuce, strawberries, and Taco Bell brands.

The next time I'm told to eat healthy I'll jeer,
"Why, do you want me to croak before next year?"

And so the year has come to an end; like Castro, Rumsfeld, Anniston and Vaughn,
Much of the news just made me yawn.
But I heard Bush exclaim as 2006 flew out of sight,
I'm staying in Iraq, and maybe in 2007 I'll get it right!

on my radar: christmas carol's

Ah, it's the most wonderful time of the year! Not yet December and I'm already sick of Christmas carols! As I was frantically reaching to twist the dial before another rendition of "White Christmas" could escape the woofers and tweeters, I found myself reinterpreting the lyrics to the classic, "Do they know it's Christmas?"...with a "current events" spin...

"It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid (unless you are an 88 year old woman in ATL or a groom-to-be in Queens, NYC).
At Christmas time, we let in Democrats yet Kerry's 2008 hopes fade
And with Iraq's bounty of oil, we can spread a smile of joy, as gas prices soar at Christmas time!

But say a prayer (cuz Britney's single again)
At Christmas time it's hard when your war has come undone
There's a world outside your window (for orphans being whisked from Malawi)
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of Falcon's fan tears
And the Christmas bells that ring are Kid Rock's wedding bell blues
Well tonight thank God it's Pamela Anderson instead of you!

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time (it's all in Seattle)
The greatest gift Iraqi's will gets this year is life
Where nothing ever grows (but our budget deficit)
No rain or rivers flow (except for in Seattle)
Do Borat's relatives celebrate Christmas time?

Here's to Clay raise a glass (and clean hand) for everyone
Here's to Kelly wondering where it's been
Does Rosie knows it's Christmas time at all?

Feed Nicole Richie
Feed the supermodels

Feed Nicole Richie
Let them know it's mealtime again!"