If only she would stick to singing, then I wouldn’t have to…
Jump on in when you know the chorus…
“The doors of Whitney’s rehab clinic go round and round,
Round and round, Round and round,
‘cause her crack pipe was found.
Bobby knows how to roll joints big and round,
Big and round, Big and round,
Bobby rolls them big and round when Dionne Warwick’s in town.
Whitney’s musical career has come crashing down,
Crashing down, crashing down,
Whitney’s singing has slow down- she hasn’t made a sound.
A gravelly voice from coke and tokes
Coke and tokes, coke and tokes
She made her life a real mess, she’s the butt of Leno’s jokes.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Tuesday's Madness in March
Unlike the Michael Jackson trial, this email has been sent to you on time. No “Tuesday” staffers will be leaving due to “personal reasons” and then signing on with P-Diddy. No children, satanic turtles (buy it on eBay!), rain forests, or kin of Joan Crawford were harmed in the writing of this email. Slight blows to one’s ego (or Hall of Fame chances) might occur as we begin our initial dissent; please dispose of all needles and deny any use of steroids while under oath. Please fasten your seat belts on you and any passenger’s who might be traveling in your vehicle in case Paula Abdul is in your town and driving next to you. This email has been approved by the official “Tuesday” committee, which was called into legislation way after midnight and signed by President Bush after the said author began to refuse food because he really believe major league baseball was clean. At no time, upon any marriage, will I attempt to change my title from “Her Highness the Duchess of Cornwall (what did Cornwall do wrong to get the honor?) to simply “Queen Cammy” even though in London it appears it is legal for her to become queen. All women wishing to marry Scott Peterson should have to go on a “dinner date” with Robert Blake first. New Yorkers who “won” only to “lose” their lottery claims will be compensated $8.50/day plus travel to Alameda County, California, to fill in for the black and Jewish folks who have been kept off juries in capital cases, unless President Bush plans to intervene on said cases.
Phew!!! Are we still in March?
Oh yeah…go Washington Huskies!!!!
Phew!!! Are we still in March?
Oh yeah…go Washington Huskies!!!!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Tuesday's Loss of Southern Virginity
Reader’s Note:
No animals and no squealing like a pig were involved in this experience, nor were any relatives or in-laws or children…that’s all part of the Michael Jackson trial.
There are many ways in which we can poke fun at people from the South—Jeff Foxworthy has made a career of it and the “Dukes of Hazzard” has immortalized it on TV/film. Having now lived here for 7 years, I have always felt I was “above the fray”; I was merely a west-coaster residing in the land of Dixie and NASCAR, until last weekend…that’s when it happened. Yes, I have enjoyed grits without anything but butter and pepper, I have spent plenty a weekends in a small Georgia town taming the fire ants and seeing all the stars come out at night, I’ve blended “you all” quite Southernly into “all y’alls” while teaching classes (much to my embarrassment once I heard the contraction spill forth from my lips), I’ve begun “fixin’” things when nothing is actually broken or needs fixing and I’ve even gone and rooted for UGA during football season. Yes, I have at least 2 cowboy hats and know the difference of when to wear each, I’ve been to the rodeo (by choice), I know the difference between Shania and Martina McBride, I’ve had a shot or two of moonshine, I’ve stood alongside friends at a backyard bonfire and I’ve found hidden churches down long red dirt roads that inspired silence.
But, with all this said and done, I still didn’t think I was actually a “Southerner” until I did the one thing that forever had me crossing “the line (not to be confused with the Mason-Dixon)”…I wore clothing with “John Deere” on it, and liked it! It may just be a ball cap, but it’s still a “Deere”. And that was when I realized I had lost my southern virginity!
Next up: overall’s from WalMart!
No animals and no squealing like a pig were involved in this experience, nor were any relatives or in-laws or children…that’s all part of the Michael Jackson trial.
There are many ways in which we can poke fun at people from the South—Jeff Foxworthy has made a career of it and the “Dukes of Hazzard” has immortalized it on TV/film. Having now lived here for 7 years, I have always felt I was “above the fray”; I was merely a west-coaster residing in the land of Dixie and NASCAR, until last weekend…that’s when it happened. Yes, I have enjoyed grits without anything but butter and pepper, I have spent plenty a weekends in a small Georgia town taming the fire ants and seeing all the stars come out at night, I’ve blended “you all” quite Southernly into “all y’alls” while teaching classes (much to my embarrassment once I heard the contraction spill forth from my lips), I’ve begun “fixin’” things when nothing is actually broken or needs fixing and I’ve even gone and rooted for UGA during football season. Yes, I have at least 2 cowboy hats and know the difference of when to wear each, I’ve been to the rodeo (by choice), I know the difference between Shania and Martina McBride, I’ve had a shot or two of moonshine, I’ve stood alongside friends at a backyard bonfire and I’ve found hidden churches down long red dirt roads that inspired silence.
But, with all this said and done, I still didn’t think I was actually a “Southerner” until I did the one thing that forever had me crossing “the line (not to be confused with the Mason-Dixon)”…I wore clothing with “John Deere” on it, and liked it! It may just be a ball cap, but it’s still a “Deere”. And that was when I realized I had lost my southern virginity!
Next up: overall’s from WalMart!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Tuesday's with Carlos Irwin Estevez
Who the heck is Carlos, you may ask? Well, he is none other than the wild and crazy Charlie Sheen!
There is much to do about Charlie lately. His wife of two years, the delightful (to look at but atrocious to watch act) Denise Richards, has filed for divorce…while she is six months pregnant with what most would presume to be their second child. HHmm, where did this marriage go wrong? What possibly could have happened six months into a pregnancy that would have Denise filing for d-i-v-o-r-c-e? This really has me stumped! Irreconcilable differences my ass!!!! I would like to pity this past “Bond girl”, but…
What was she thinking to marry him in the first place??? He’s Charlie Sheen for gosh sakes!!!! She knew he was a bad boy, so what makes her think he changed his ways? Did she do a background check? Let’s look at the facts:
Accidentally shoots fiancée in arm, engagement broken, 1990.
Dates porn star Ginger Lynn Allen 1990-1995
Marries model for 5 months in 1995-96
On going “work relationship” with Heidi Fleiss
Did I forget the assault record and rehab stints?
So, who really dropped the ball on this union? I’m thinking it’s Denise’s fault for ever going there! Charlie’s resume speaks for itself!!! May be she is just illiterate and could read the “writing on the wall” or all his legal paperwork.
There is much to do about Charlie lately. His wife of two years, the delightful (to look at but atrocious to watch act) Denise Richards, has filed for divorce…while she is six months pregnant with what most would presume to be their second child. HHmm, where did this marriage go wrong? What possibly could have happened six months into a pregnancy that would have Denise filing for d-i-v-o-r-c-e? This really has me stumped! Irreconcilable differences my ass!!!! I would like to pity this past “Bond girl”, but…
What was she thinking to marry him in the first place??? He’s Charlie Sheen for gosh sakes!!!! She knew he was a bad boy, so what makes her think he changed his ways? Did she do a background check? Let’s look at the facts:
Accidentally shoots fiancée in arm, engagement broken, 1990.
Dates porn star Ginger Lynn Allen 1990-1995
Marries model for 5 months in 1995-96
On going “work relationship” with Heidi Fleiss
Did I forget the assault record and rehab stints?
So, who really dropped the ball on this union? I’m thinking it’s Denise’s fault for ever going there! Charlie’s resume speaks for itself!!! May be she is just illiterate and could read the “writing on the wall” or all his legal paperwork.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Tuesday's Lost and Found Celebrity
The recent hacking of Paris Hilton’s cell phone, “Sidekick” (not the type of press T-Mobile hopes for, but with Paris, what would you expect?) has not only uncovered the numbers of such friends as Eminem, Christina Augillera and Lindsey Lohan but has also shed light on a long-rumored famous Hollywood family secret: the missing Gabor sister!
For years rumors have persisted that there was a fourth Gabor sister; one that was not quite as glamorous as Magda, Eva or Zsa Zsa and so she was kept hidden. Stories circulated that she was born premature and was said to be a sickly child, often very ill and bed-ridden. Real or not, this girl was rarely seen by others. In time people simply forgot about the girl and she took on the persona of yet another Hollywood myth. It wasn’t until years later, when the sisters made their way to Hollywood and began making films, that the fable of the 4th sister began to be retold. As the old Hollywood legends go, whenever a stunt-double was needed for one of the sisters, the same woman was always hired; a woman who looked remarkably similar to them and even spoke with the same Hungarian accent, but rarely could people ever gain access to her—she was always kept in the trailer. Whenever one of the sisters was asked about this “fourth” sibling, they always feigned not understanding the question and stepped away to make-up. As time marched and the Gabor sisters slowly faded from front page news (besides the odd bitch-slapping cops and drunk driving incidents), interest has waned around the family mystery—until now!
The hackers who posted Paris’ black book on the web included information on a “Na Zsa Gabor (pronounced “Nausea”)”. Paparazzi have been stationed near this woman address, but rarely has she been seen. When spotted, it’s usually when she is in the bathroom throwing up. The few photo-ops that ever caught her usually had her down on all fours, looking up at the camera with spittle running down her chin, and someone behind her, holding up her hair (hhmm…kinda sounds like Paris, too, come to think of it or a 21st birthday party). She doesn’t seem to ever leave her home, except on rare occasion to by vodka, cigarettes, spam and Dramamine. A neighbor of hers was quoted as saying, “she’s always seemed so ill- she’s about as healthy as the pope”.
Currently, that is all we have to report, but we will keep you posted if any new information comes our way or if Zsa Zsa gets another speeding ticket.
For years rumors have persisted that there was a fourth Gabor sister; one that was not quite as glamorous as Magda, Eva or Zsa Zsa and so she was kept hidden. Stories circulated that she was born premature and was said to be a sickly child, often very ill and bed-ridden. Real or not, this girl was rarely seen by others. In time people simply forgot about the girl and she took on the persona of yet another Hollywood myth. It wasn’t until years later, when the sisters made their way to Hollywood and began making films, that the fable of the 4th sister began to be retold. As the old Hollywood legends go, whenever a stunt-double was needed for one of the sisters, the same woman was always hired; a woman who looked remarkably similar to them and even spoke with the same Hungarian accent, but rarely could people ever gain access to her—she was always kept in the trailer. Whenever one of the sisters was asked about this “fourth” sibling, they always feigned not understanding the question and stepped away to make-up. As time marched and the Gabor sisters slowly faded from front page news (besides the odd bitch-slapping cops and drunk driving incidents), interest has waned around the family mystery—until now!
The hackers who posted Paris’ black book on the web included information on a “Na Zsa Gabor (pronounced “Nausea”)”. Paparazzi have been stationed near this woman address, but rarely has she been seen. When spotted, it’s usually when she is in the bathroom throwing up. The few photo-ops that ever caught her usually had her down on all fours, looking up at the camera with spittle running down her chin, and someone behind her, holding up her hair (hhmm…kinda sounds like Paris, too, come to think of it or a 21st birthday party). She doesn’t seem to ever leave her home, except on rare occasion to by vodka, cigarettes, spam and Dramamine. A neighbor of hers was quoted as saying, “she’s always seemed so ill- she’s about as healthy as the pope”.
Currently, that is all we have to report, but we will keep you posted if any new information comes our way or if Zsa Zsa gets another speeding ticket.
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