Where there’s white smoke, there must be a new pope!
Gosh, it all happened so fast! Now what am I going to do with the incredibly exciting Pope Match 2005?
Here’s how the brackets were supposed to play out…
Children’s author and provocative poser vs. the UN Goodwill Ambassador and “Billy Bob’s Blood-wearer”…a collagen collapse at the College of Cardinal’s boost Gucci’s girl: Madonna over (or under) Angelina Jolie…Father Tu-tu over the Father of Anti-Aparteid. Spice-husband David Beckham “sinks” Scott Peterson and Martha, with a few hints from Heloise, cleans up against the “real” housewife, Terri Hatcher.
Desmond Tu-tu trumps Madonna and Martha bedazzles the crowd and wins over Beckham….
Of course, a rogue wave swept in and upturned the ballot box, so there is no clear winner so, it will be a joint-papacy! Imagine the good wafers that will now be served with a tasty “grown in the back yard” communion wine.
“Ask not for whom the bells toll; it tolls for “Papa-Ratzi” (all my regrets to J. Donne and GBjr.)…
As “Papa-Ratzi” takes the crown and greets the folks as Benedict the XVI (is this where the Miss America Pageant got the idea to change the winner’s name from the state they represent to Miss America?) I have to question the security of the voting process…who’s checking the ballots if they are burnt? Shouldn’t there be some accounting firm overseeing the results? On second thought, if it’s like the US elections, there may be no clear winner for months! I wonder if another Cardinal in the running can ask for a recount.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Tuesday's Pope Watch 2005 continued...
While the world watches the “Chimney Cam” we take you back to the unofficial Papal election:
In the first round the challengers were:
Camilla Parker-Bowles vs. Madonna: one is the future Queen of England the other the Queen of Pop: both are adulterers and divorcees, but you just can’t become Pope without being Catholic…Madonna wins!
Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Anniston: Oscar winner vs. Emmy winner; home-wrecker vs. America’s “Friend”: Everybody loves a sinner, especially when it’s a Cardinal sin! Beating Rachel by a hair-do, the lips have it…Angelina is on to the next round.
Bono vs. Bob Geldoff: 2 Irishmen: one wants to end 3rd world debt, the other 3rd world hunger. One sings of “Sunday Bloody Sunday”, the other doesn’t like Mondays. In a virtual tie, the winner goes to the one who’s sold more records…Bono.
Desmond Tutu vs. Nelson Mandela: Both African’s, one’s a Priest and Noble Prize Winner vs. one who was a President and a Prisoner. Hard to beat someone who already has God on their side…they say, “Don’t mess with a missionary man he’s got the saints and apostles backin’ up from behind!” Desmond is onto round 2!
Lance Armstrong vs. David Beckham: Both are stars in their respective sports, one has rumors of steroid use chasing him, the other has rumors of infidelity. If Catholics want to strengthen their position with young women and gay’s (oxymoronic one thinks…) the metrosexual moves on!
OJ vs. Scott Peterson: reform is possible. What lengths would they go to keep the Church’s secrets? Sadly, the robes didn’t fit, so OJ had to quit…Scotty moves on!
Oprah vs. Martha Stewart: billionaire vs. billionaire: mogul vs. mogul: but when it comes down to it, cleanliness is what’s next to Godliness! Martha moves on with her ankle bracelet freshly engraved with “WWJD?”
Terri Hatcher vs. Marcia Cross: these two desperate housewives have been going at it in the press! The bible always loves the underdog, so in this meeting of crash and burn careers vs. lesbian rumors, Terri gets the red swimsuit and moves boldly into the second round!
Still no smoke and bells?
Round two pits Madge vs. Angie; Bono vs. Desmond; Beckham vs. Peterson; and Martha vs. Terri
In the first round the challengers were:
Camilla Parker-Bowles vs. Madonna: one is the future Queen of England the other the Queen of Pop: both are adulterers and divorcees, but you just can’t become Pope without being Catholic…Madonna wins!
Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Anniston: Oscar winner vs. Emmy winner; home-wrecker vs. America’s “Friend”: Everybody loves a sinner, especially when it’s a Cardinal sin! Beating Rachel by a hair-do, the lips have it…Angelina is on to the next round.
Bono vs. Bob Geldoff: 2 Irishmen: one wants to end 3rd world debt, the other 3rd world hunger. One sings of “Sunday Bloody Sunday”, the other doesn’t like Mondays. In a virtual tie, the winner goes to the one who’s sold more records…Bono.
Desmond Tutu vs. Nelson Mandela: Both African’s, one’s a Priest and Noble Prize Winner vs. one who was a President and a Prisoner. Hard to beat someone who already has God on their side…they say, “Don’t mess with a missionary man he’s got the saints and apostles backin’ up from behind!” Desmond is onto round 2!
Lance Armstrong vs. David Beckham: Both are stars in their respective sports, one has rumors of steroid use chasing him, the other has rumors of infidelity. If Catholics want to strengthen their position with young women and gay’s (oxymoronic one thinks…) the metrosexual moves on!
OJ vs. Scott Peterson: reform is possible. What lengths would they go to keep the Church’s secrets? Sadly, the robes didn’t fit, so OJ had to quit…Scotty moves on!
Oprah vs. Martha Stewart: billionaire vs. billionaire: mogul vs. mogul: but when it comes down to it, cleanliness is what’s next to Godliness! Martha moves on with her ankle bracelet freshly engraved with “WWJD?”
Terri Hatcher vs. Marcia Cross: these two desperate housewives have been going at it in the press! The bible always loves the underdog, so in this meeting of crash and burn careers vs. lesbian rumors, Terri gets the red swimsuit and moves boldly into the second round!
Still no smoke and bells?
Round two pits Madge vs. Angie; Bono vs. Desmond; Beckham vs. Peterson; and Martha vs. Terri
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Tuesday's on Pope Watch
I’m throwing my pointy hat (NOT to be mistaken for a klan hood!) into St. Peter’s ring (anything to get away from the “Emancipation of Mimi”—she’s back!).
Vote for me for Pope! I promise my reign would last longer than Jane Pauley’s talk show!
All this media coverage about the Pope just has me in the mood! Not that mood! I’m not trying to be a Bishop!! It only takes a simply majority of votes from the College of Cardinals to win. Since there are only 118 qualifying Cardinals, I only need to convince 60 to vote for me. I have fewer skeletons in my closet than they do (counting the Basilica tombs)! Voting starts April 18th, so I only have a limited amount of time to campaign! My platform is simple: “keep selling Pope on a rope soap to increase the coffers and reduce the lawsuits”! So next week, when you see smoke and hear bells, don’t stop, drop and roll or pull over to the side of the street, just know they’ve elected a new Pope.
Seeing how I probably don’t stand a chance, even though one doesn’t have to be a Cardinal to be elected, I’ve created “Pope Match 2005”: we’ll keep them competing till we have a winner.
Here are the preliminary challenges:
Camilla Parker-Bowles vs. Madonna (the singer, not “the Mother” that wouldn’t be fair!)
Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Anniston
Bono vs. Bob Geldoff
Desmund Tutu vs. Nelson Mandela
Lance Armstrong vs. David Beckham
OJ Simpson vs. Scott Peterson (sinners can repent!)
Oprah vs. Martha Stewart (they said Jesus broke the law)
Desperate Housewife (Terri Hatcher) vs Desperate Housewife (Marcia Cross)
Vote for me for Pope! I promise my reign would last longer than Jane Pauley’s talk show!
All this media coverage about the Pope just has me in the mood! Not that mood! I’m not trying to be a Bishop!! It only takes a simply majority of votes from the College of Cardinals to win. Since there are only 118 qualifying Cardinals, I only need to convince 60 to vote for me. I have fewer skeletons in my closet than they do (counting the Basilica tombs)! Voting starts April 18th, so I only have a limited amount of time to campaign! My platform is simple: “keep selling Pope on a rope soap to increase the coffers and reduce the lawsuits”! So next week, when you see smoke and hear bells, don’t stop, drop and roll or pull over to the side of the street, just know they’ve elected a new Pope.
Seeing how I probably don’t stand a chance, even though one doesn’t have to be a Cardinal to be elected, I’ve created “Pope Match 2005”: we’ll keep them competing till we have a winner.
Here are the preliminary challenges:
Camilla Parker-Bowles vs. Madonna (the singer, not “the Mother” that wouldn’t be fair!)
Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Anniston
Bono vs. Bob Geldoff
Desmund Tutu vs. Nelson Mandela
Lance Armstrong vs. David Beckham
OJ Simpson vs. Scott Peterson (sinners can repent!)
Oprah vs. Martha Stewart (they said Jesus broke the law)
Desperate Housewife (Terri Hatcher) vs Desperate Housewife (Marcia Cross)
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Tuesday's March of the Funny Hats
Who decided to have tea party and not invite me???
No, it’s not Boston, but could it be the Mad Hatter?? I mean lately, when I check out the news, all I am seeing is a bunch of funny hats and I’m left wondering, “What gives”—need I make a call to Madonna to find out what’s causing the commotion?
Who knew that religion would be the culprit behind this strange “fedora phenomena”? There are a lot of things that can be said about religion, and most of it will be debatable according to your views, but one thing that has to be noted is religion sure has the market on reasons to wear funny hats!
Let’s just look at current events: Easter, one wedding and a funeral. All of these events happen to have highly religious overtones and wacky hats too boot! What proper lady would dare go off to Easter service and not be wearing a bonnet at least the size of small luggage or Delaware? It’s just not right! The bigger the hat, the better! I think privately the motto must be “the bigger the brim, the closer you get to Him”.
Now, of course the burial of the pope is going to be religious—duh! But what’s up with all the funny pointed hats? I thought the term “10 gallon” had to do with cowboy hats, but when you check out the size and variety of head gear the people of the Vatican are wearing, I say the Vatican must also double as a tent company! The most common refrain coming from The Holy See this week is “I can’t see past the dude’s hat in front of me”.
And, as for the wedding (more about them next week…), poor chaps had to move the date because of the Pope’s burial. But if you have ever been to an English Wedding (or seen one in a movie…) it’s all about the hats. I’d like to think that it’s just a British thing, but after watching all the pomp and circumstance around the Pope, I’m guessing it’s a tradition they picked up from the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Now, please don’t think I have a thing against hats…I love them! Next to pets and children, I think hats make wonderful accessories…but must they be so big and busy? Like kids, aren’t they best to be seen, but not heard? Some of these hats speak volumes!!!
No, it’s not Boston, but could it be the Mad Hatter?? I mean lately, when I check out the news, all I am seeing is a bunch of funny hats and I’m left wondering, “What gives”—need I make a call to Madonna to find out what’s causing the commotion?
Who knew that religion would be the culprit behind this strange “fedora phenomena”? There are a lot of things that can be said about religion, and most of it will be debatable according to your views, but one thing that has to be noted is religion sure has the market on reasons to wear funny hats!
Let’s just look at current events: Easter, one wedding and a funeral. All of these events happen to have highly religious overtones and wacky hats too boot! What proper lady would dare go off to Easter service and not be wearing a bonnet at least the size of small luggage or Delaware? It’s just not right! The bigger the hat, the better! I think privately the motto must be “the bigger the brim, the closer you get to Him”.
Now, of course the burial of the pope is going to be religious—duh! But what’s up with all the funny pointed hats? I thought the term “10 gallon” had to do with cowboy hats, but when you check out the size and variety of head gear the people of the Vatican are wearing, I say the Vatican must also double as a tent company! The most common refrain coming from The Holy See this week is “I can’t see past the dude’s hat in front of me”.
And, as for the wedding (more about them next week…), poor chaps had to move the date because of the Pope’s burial. But if you have ever been to an English Wedding (or seen one in a movie…) it’s all about the hats. I’d like to think that it’s just a British thing, but after watching all the pomp and circumstance around the Pope, I’m guessing it’s a tradition they picked up from the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Now, please don’t think I have a thing against hats…I love them! Next to pets and children, I think hats make wonderful accessories…but must they be so big and busy? Like kids, aren’t they best to be seen, but not heard? Some of these hats speak volumes!!!
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