on my radar: trade talks

After months of hush-hush negotiations, it appears a deal has been made to resolve the long standing debts of Michael Jackson. Joe and Katherine Jackson announced from their home today that they have just concluded a deal that would trade Michael Jackson, what's left of his music catalogue, and all his debt and legal issues to the Timberlake family in exchange for accepting Justin as their new son.

Rumors have been rampant about some sort of trade in the works; initially it was believed to be a Lance Bass for Michael swap until Reichen showed up on the scene. Insiders have noted that Justin's increasingly eclectic way of dressing, falsetto hitting notes, and tanned skin have made him a shoo-in for the trade. In fact, during Justin's latest photo shoot, in which he wore a hat and polka dotted cravat, many gawkers believed that, having finally achieved the skin bleaching success he has always desired, they were watching Michael, not Justin!

Katherine Jackson couldn't be more pleased, she said, "with Justin in our family, we'll have a new generation of screaming boys playing in our house!"

The only dissenting vote came from LaToya, who moped around, whining about "needing another bleaching and nose job to stay the whitest". Janet couldn't be immediately reached, but her press secretary said it does make the Super Bowl incident feel "a little more normal, now that Justin is family, we've always been tight-knit".

Jermaine is just happy that someone is finally bringing sexy back into the Jackson family!

Don't be surprised if the Cruise-Holmes child is next!

on my radar: snacks on a plane

Do you suffer from any of the following maladies:

-the terror of stale peanut butter crackers and peanut allergies
-the immobilizing panic from broken Sunchips
-Biscoff packaging that can not be broken open by anyone over age 5
-anxiety over what will be left on the tray when the attendants get to row 45

If you said yes to any of the above conditions, then you most likely suffer from airline induced, "snacks on a plane" phobia.

Initially identified in the late 80's with seasoned business travelers, this increasingly diagnosed phobia appears to be striking virtually all airline passengers by 2006. Symptoms can include: growling stomachs, bitchy attitudes, light headedness, and frequent inquiries as to "are we almost there", "is there anything to eat", and "is that all" and the ever present concern of starving before reaching one's destination.

Currently, the only cure appears to be packing a non-liquid meal before you go, fasting in silence, driving your own happy-ass to wherever you need to go, or Samuel L. Jackson being on your flight and demanding to be brought "more m@!*%!f----- snacks on his m-*@-f----ing plane!"

on my radar: drug testing

The International Federation of Political Performance Reviews (IFPPR) has reversed its earlier decision to not drug test US Sec.of State Condelezza Rice over her recent performance during the Middle East crisis. "This should not come as a surprise to anyone," Dr. Uri Taint'd said as he met with journalist earlier today. "Usually every major politician is tested when they perform within the arena of international politics; regardless of the outcome of their performance. Just because Ms. Rice has failed to make any significant improvement to the situation does not preclude her from being under the influence of (political) performance enhancing drugs," Mr. Taint'd said. President Bush has balked at the testing, stating, “Condi hasn’t done a single thing (to warrant testing)!” Recent US polls tend to support him on that assertion, with most American’s agreeing, “..she hasn’t done a single thing…”.

The last known, and uncontested, positive drug-test dates back into the early Sixties when during a stellar performance of pounding his shoe on the podium during a UN meeting, Mr. Khrushchev's blood was found to be way over the legal limit of political testosterone. Because of his failure to pass the drug-test and the mounting cold war between Russia and the US, the US was granted one political coup, which was quickly used less than a year later, during the Cuban Missile crisis, when the US successfully enforced an embargo of Cuba by Soviet ships.

on my radar: fashion

The devil may wear Prada, but does he look good in it?

Just because Prada makes a $350, non-waterproof, square cut swim suit, does it really mean it should be worn at every aquatic/sunbathing social function? Me thinks not! Or the southern equivalent: owning a cowboy hat is one thing, wearing it all the time is a no-no! And to combine the two “styles” into one look…Edith Head is rolling over in her grave! Thou shalt not dress with a “devil may care” attitude! Fashion waits for no one, she barely explains herself, and rarely does she fit!

There's a huge difference between owning fashion and knowing fashion! I see those Olsen twins on the sidelines of the catwalks all the time, but when they go walking about town wearing grannies handmade afghan blanket as a shawl, it don't make it right! And even if you stuck a Marc Jacobs label on it, thou shalt not make it vogue! Lil' Kim (or, more appropriately Mo'Kim) is a fixture at FashionWeek, but like trying to place a magnet onto enamel, fashion sense just don't stick to her- about the only thing that does are pasties and gangsters. She has pushed fashion backwards in the same way that Calista Flockhart pushes her chair away from a buffet.

So with all this turmoil about what the devil is wearing, just remember,” what looks good to one may not look good on another”…case in point alligator; so ugly in the wild, but so chic on a catwalk…