on my radar: pollen

I know all about the “stop drop and roll” if I am on fire (as if I'd be as unprofessional as Richard Pryor if I were freebasing!) and to “duck under my desk” in case of an earthquake, and even to carry newspapers to shield my face when photogs go a ga-ga over seeing me at the Ivy (sorry, I'm not Anderson Cooper, but thanks for blinding me with the flashbulbs ass holes- now I know why Lindsay drives so recklessly), heck, I've even been versed on how to survive falling overboard a cruise ship (I'm taking “their” word on it and will always travel with a savory fat person to distract the sharks, thank you!), But there is one significant piece of knowledge I am lacking, and no one seems to be coughing up any clues, damn you Nancy Drew!…What do I do when pollen attacks?

Pollen is quite the pesky visitor, something akin to an in-law that doesn't realize that “come visit and stay as long as you like” is never meant in earnest and don't ever attempt to take me up on the offer! And, it’s quite a bitch to just try to shake it off. I've tried hosing it down like a busy hooker who hasn't showered in 3 days, but the pollen just seems to come back, like the aforementioned hookers “itchy” condition. What is a city to do when pollen attacks? Can we call in Homeland Security team for this or is Kimberley Clarke all we get? Atlanta is about to host “the Final 4” this weekend, and I'm stockpiling Kleenex because this city is going to be awash in yellow dust and green sneezes! The team that’s going to win is most likely the team with the most sinus relief medicine in the supply kit!

What we need is a big old rain storm to wash it away, but there’s no relief in sight! And where Margaret Mitchell found relief with the wind, pollen is the one thing in Atlanta that ain’t gonna be gone with it!

Salon Therapy

"A cut away from a 30-day stay"

What the heck is going on with rehab these days? It's so damn fashionable and trendy, it's like finding the newest salon in Beverly Hills! I think I might try to enroll just so I can hang with the A(A) crowd; this is the way to win a date with John Tucker (aka Jesse Metcalfe)! If the current trend holds pace, members of rehab centers collectively could surpass the number of WalMart shoppers on Black Friday.

So Britney's now out and about (and cars everywhere need to beware)! What was she really in there for? Has anyone clearly stated what her issue was? After just 30 days and skipping out to the tune of "I am not my hair," I wonder what habit she kicked? I'm thinking she was locked away like a young Rapunzel, destine to do time until she regrew that silky hair with the perky shine. I mean, unless I'm renting "GI Jane" or "V for Vendetta," I'm just not expecting to see a buzz cut on the ex-mouseketterette. Here's my guess: Britney had checked in to rehab for some form of "hairapy." Yes, it would have been just as easy, and less public, to find a local Aveda counter and get some tree moss shampoo and be done with it, but I'm pretty sure Brit went the high-profile route for a 'do rescue. She was seen leaving Promises with mousse, gel, and a 2-pack of Prell and Pert, you do the math! That would also explain why she was seen with Duane Reade bags just days before entering treatment: she tried to do a home perm and ended up screwing it up so much she had to shear her locks and go in for a "hair restoration". Next time just go for a weave till ya feel better!

Next, we will analyze Jesse entrance and Britney's exit exam's: who aced it and who failed!

the frizzies

The answers to the questions of life are out there, you just need to know where to look.

Sadly, for most of us, we don't have the luxury of time to look hard enough to seek out those answers, and so instead, we must forage for our solutions in the company of others. In the realm of legal justice, we revert to the courts and juries to sift through the evidence and to come forth with an answer...hopefully one we can live with (nevermind OJ) and that is what we call "justice being served." So, here we have Mr. Phil Spector, up on charges of murder. I just hope those people hearing this case can see the answer that is so plainly infront of their face...the answer is hidden in the hair style... (note the cd name...)

Bracketology

ESPNU reports that the most common degree declared by college athletes theses days is "Bracketology (and a minor is "Betting")." Sadly, most are still failing, but they are failing with honorable efforts, with a somewhat respectable 54% accuracy rate through the first week. As is the case with most studies, as the season wears on, more students begin to fail, noteworthy here are FSU and Ohio State students, whose majority of student athletes electing bracketology fail to be able to locate their own schools on a map (extra credit is extended for those who can place Butler or Creighton), but usually can name their mascot.

One college's AD lamented that part of the student's failures must blamed on the mistakes of the NCAA to align brackets appropriately within their geographical namesakes. How confusing must it be for a bracketology major to understand the "Midwest region" when you have hosting arenas in Spokane, Buffalo, and New Orleans, or when the "western region" plays in Chicago, Columbus, and Buffalo?

"We try not to ask too much out of these kids, like don't take free money and talk about it to reporters or get busted with drugs on you, or live rent free throughout your college years, but come on, putting Buffalo in the West and expecting kids to know where it really is, that's just not fair!", said one unnamed coach.

ESPNU also reports a vast increase in applications to their school every March, even though no school exists. We see a lot of transfer applications from Tennessee and Ole Miss., which makes us smile- we are glad for the name recognition, just sad we can't offer a legitimate degree!

The Madness of March

The extravaganza that is March Madness is now into it second week, how are your brackets holding up?
After some shocking omissions to the big dance, it seems things are going pretty well as planned.
I know I have my Final Four teams all still alive, but it might get a little tricky this week.

I never anticipated "Team Lohan" to make it this far; but with dad emerging from jail with a nifty new jump shot, he could take his family all the way, so long as they want him on their team. I'd say this is the match-up that Kansas has to be wary of!

If there's a Cinderella story brewing, it has to be the resilience of the "Rehabber's," somehow they've been able to suppress those DT's long enough to be hitting 90% from the free-throw lines. Some of their success must be credited to the continuing growth of their roster- every day it seems they are adding new players like Eddie van Halen and Marc Jacobs. This depth could carry them to the Elite Eightball, but I fear that's where celebratory partying will put them in lock-down and cause failed drug tests. Count them out against UCLA and Promises.

My surprise pick to upend USC is none other than the other LA phenom, "Team Jolie-Pitt." Who doesn't love this upstart, yet ever growing, international squad? Paparazzi can't get enough, and neither can Angelina! Unfortunately, youth and too much uncontrollable dribbling will work against them and they will lose in a heartbreaker against the babysitter's, Georgetown.

Banned in France!

PARIS, France (AP) -- A new law in France makes it a crime -- punishable by up to five years in prison -- for anyone who is not a professional journalist to film real-world violence and distribute the images on the Internet.
Critics call it a clumsy, near-totalitarian effort by authorities to battle "happy slapping" -- the youth fad of filming violent acts -- which most often they have provoked themselves -- and spreading the images on the Web or between mobile phones.

I guess Jerry Lewis and The 3 Stooges are no longer en vogue; sad they couldn't just ban them instead of making up this crazy law to thwart further erosion of credibility at the enjoyment of odd American comics...see ya in Russia!

Pope not dope with Dylan

The current pope, Benedict the XVI, reveals in a memoir that he was not fond of Bob Dylan sharing the stage with Pope John Paul II, during a 1997 rock concert. Pope Benny (and his Jets) felt that it might send the wrong image to Catholics; " da Pope don't ride that way"! I am just wondering, would Madonna or Bono have been more suitable to his tastes? It's so tricky when it comes to images, I mean, here you have a rockers who likes to sing about "knock-knock-knocking on heavens door", in the presence of the Pope, the chief poobah of the religion most closely associated to sex scandals where the clergy men were a "knock-knock-knocking down little boys virginity"....whose image is really taking a hit being seen together? What would Thomas Roberts say about this?

Blame it on the 'Tang

The most likely defense for Miss Crazy Astronaut 2007, Lisa Nowak, would seem to be, "the 'TANG made me do it!" What better excuse is there than to craftily link the government-created Vitamin C power with wacky behavior? There's conspiracy written allover this puppy! Where are Mulder and Scully when we really could use them? Investigating Libby?

As much sense as it might make, I hope they don't blame "being crazy", as in, "Lisa Nowak went crazy when she looked into Bill Oefelin's eyes", as her excuse for her behavior. That just makes crazy sound like it's a bad thing. Must "crazy" be defended (and thus, several of my past relationships)? Hey, who hasn't been able to chalk at least one "ex" up to being "crazy"? And yet (most of us) have stayed out of jail. Crazy isn't always a bad thing. Without it where would those fantastic loves songs, like "Crazy Little Thing Called Love", "Crazy in Love", "Crazy on You", "Mama We're All Crazy Now", "Crazy Frog", "Crazy for You", or just plain "Crazy" be?

Hell, listening to poor old Babs, it's assumptive, but she wasn't dating anyone crazy at the time she sang, "it's raining, it's pouring, my love life is boring me to tears...." apparently Don Johnson was right around the corner.

So stand up for "crazy" love rights, fight the powers that aim to make "crazy" just an excuse for wearing adult diapers, own your own form of "crazy"...don't just let it be tossed around in the court of law like a hooker on "free Fridays"!

Now, if drinking the TANG caused this issue, one can only wonder, "What Would Lance Bass have done (WWLBD) if he gotten to be an astronaut? Hey, maybe the Tang-in-training made him gay! Maybe that's what they weaned poor old Ted Haggard off of to cure him!

So here's Ms. Nowak's new anthem,
"Shot to the heart, and Tang's to blame,
Baby Tang gave love, a bad name"!

Beware: Children!

How do you solve a problem like Britney? How do you take this ex-Mouseketeer and pin down her issues? I kept hearing all about this "post-partying depression" syndrome everyone says she is suffering from and said, "wow," so that's what me and David Lee Roth have been going through all these years! Close-up this unsolved mystery, this ain't no cold case no more! All along I was just feeling the blues like a Black Snake Moans! Then someone (Brooke Shields, no less!) goes and corrects my English and state that it's "post-partum depression" that's got the Britters atitters.

Well that just down right confused the heck out of me! I got the first one except for the part where depression is usually an energy-zapper, not a "puke at parties, dance past dawn, and beat the car with an umbrella" power enhancer, but regardless, I bit that explanation. Brooke's makes no sense! Britney had those kids months ago, and seems not to care for them one bit! Maybe that form of depression is what in the real estate industry folks call "buyer's remorse." Shearing your locks is easy to sum up as "crazy like Courtney before rehabbing herself," and tattoo's, who doesn't love them?

So I was sure confused about all this stuff till Miss Jolie set me straight today when she announced the plans to adopt a Vietnamese orphan. Seems she can't get enough of them children; almost to a basketball team! So I figured, if you don't like the husband of your kids, you get post-partum depressed, but if you're happy with the tykes, you go through "Jolitis", "the mind-altering euphoric state that causes you to have more kids."

That's an awful lot of thinking for a day. I need to go back to People magazine and relax!

Paula Ponders

Paula Abdul's been in talks with her agent about quitting "American Idol." She would like to be taken more seriously as a real actress and show that she has the chops to stand tall(ish) with the rest of Hollywood's leading ladies, like Leeza Gibbons, Markie Post and Debbie Menapausolis (ex-Viewer before Starr left). Her agent is attempting to draft a strategy plan that will allow her to exit her current engagements while increasing her profile for possible future opportunities.

One idea that Paula is floating to several industry exec's is that of a reality TV show host. Paula believes that reality TV is the next big thing and she would like to be a part of it before all of her prescriptions run out and she can't afford to buy any more with Rush Limbaugh's maid's assistance. Ideally, she could become the next Ryan Seacrest, requiring less product and make-up time, or Britney Spears, who found amazing success in her show "Chaotic." If that idea doesn't pan out, perhaps Paula could be the "Next Top Pop-Star to attempt a Heimlich maneuver on their (her) singing career."

At this point, it's all very early in the thinking process, and that can take several weeks for a complete thought to formulate in that Laker Cheerleader brain of hers, so don't expect too much in 2007. But Paula has stressed that she does want to do something that isn't so focused as her current work is, citing the concern that her current job can negatively react with whatever med's she decided to pop the night (or morning) before.

A lesson before dying

When Anna Nicole Smith died, did a lawyer-angel earn it's wings, or is that an oxymoron?

Tho' she taught us little in life that we couldn't learn from The Pussycat Dolls or renting the movie "Showgirls", in death, Miss Smith is hopefully causing a few folks to revisit their wills and probate lawyers.... It's only fitting that her personal sycophant, Howard Stern, is planning an "over the top" funeral for the late Playboy Bunny; it might be the last time he gets to spend her money! Of course, since her death (was it only 3 weeks ago), the best words to describe the past few weeks are "circus-like atmosphere," an over the (big) top burial is seemingly appropriate, but must it happen that way? Apparently, there is no guarantee to death, or a burial, with dignity. Who knew?

So let this be a lesson to all before you die (and yes, it will happen at some point, unless you happen to get drawn into the Rapture ahead of "your time" and you merely vanish or you are a cockroach); clean up your messes, least we allow the courts to do it for us! Wait, isn't that part of the whole "gay marriage" argument?
As hard as it may be, you must videotape yourself railing against anyone who might try to lay a claim to your body, purchase burial plots for you and your kin, have a will, and for good financial measure, sleep with a billionaire whose money you will attempt to inherit and help pay for all your legal fees if none of the previously mentioned ideas secure your proper burial! Living ain't cheap, but it appears, dying ain't either!

As the sun sets in the Bahamas', may Miss A-NS rest in peace, but may she also slip off my radar!