on my radar: 2012 end of days

Quick Janet, hide, here come the Roper's; Jack got a date! Chrissy, you explain to them he's gay...

Insipid is as insipid does and once again the world believes a farce of "Three's Company" proportions...

...as the world shudders with the frightful predictions of that long ago patron saint of doom and gloom (not Larry King), Nostradamus. How fricken stupid must people be to believe this crap? Oh, that's right, people once thought Liberace was just flamboyant and another Bush presidency was all the country needed. Well, going oh-for-two ain't so bad (just ask the Colorado Rockies) until you realize there is something riding on it. Why are people giving any credence to the (Y2K anybody?) predictions of this guy? He wrote these prophecies in such broad sweeping strokes that even a midget (hey New York!) t-baller could get a hit off of his pitches. And, if at first you don't succeed, just keep predicting; he's predicted the end of the world in '84, '99, '00 , and now 2012. Sooner or later he'll get it right, heck, even Ricky Martin can find a hit once in awhile.

"Nosty", as I affectionately refer to the old guy, is just damn lucky he ain't alive today to face the media and their scrutiny regarding his predictions (side note, did he predict his own death correctly?). How could he ever get a Starbuck's coffee and get back into his car with the throngs of paparazzi screaming at him about the end of the world? Got to admit, that Britney sure is talented in that department; she may hit reporters and cars and drop her children, but she never spills a drip of her frappichino! Of course, the ace up Nosty's sleeve (did he have sleeves or just toga's?) would be to look the reporters in the eye and say, "you're gonna die today...is this how you want to spend your last hours?", and watch them all scramble to find Lohan. What paparazzi in their right mind would die covering Nosty when they could be covering Lindsy?

My parting salvo...I loved the interpretation of "fire from the skies"from one of his earlier predictions; everyone thought it was 9/11 foretold. EXCUSE me? There was never fire in the sky if I recall correctly. Didn't the fires happen when the planes crashed into the buildings? There was no flying ball of fire- maybe the real interpretation of a ball of fire was the fiery remains of the Van Halen reunion tour!

on my radar: flatlining

Trivia time...

What do these all have in common?

1. The Roman Empire

2. 2007 Cleveland Indians

3. The ratings for Viva Mclaughlin

4. Britney's hope for custody of her children

5. Minneapolis Bridge

6. Marie Osmond

What are famous collapses?

It seems that collapsing is all the rage this week, whether it be the cancellation of CBS's "Viva McLaughlin" after just two episodes and flat ratings, the epic fold on the ball diamond that has many wondering if the Cleveland team seems better poised to be relocated and renamed "the Minneapolis Bridges", the inability of Ms. Spears to take note of her court appointed overseer, leaving the appointee to claim she was treated like a "house plant"; too bad for Britney, this plant is about to become a nightmare cactus prickling her right in the ass (as in cu"ass"tudy of her kids) and flatten her hopes at getting the kids back, or the "dance till ya drop" philosophy that Marie Osmond took literally on Monday's "Dancing with the Stars", collapsing after her performance, on live TV.

What to do about this nasty trend? Go to the movies and support your Hollywood stars! The past two weeks have brutal for the big names (yes, a collapse at the box office started it all...) and it's as plain as the supenders on Larry King's pants that what happens in Hollywood spreads to everywhere...so go see a movie to stop the demise of all that is still standing...

on my radar: scattered smothered and booked

Kid Rock helps perpetuate the fabled Waffle House chain restaurant’s reputation as “the low-rent roadside café featuring waffles” after being arrested early Monday morning, in Atlanta, after an altercation at the restaurant. Who better than Kid Rock (Rick Solomon maybe) to help reinforce a low-rent image? Perhaps Waffle House might want to sue for “The Kid” for defamation of character? Right now Gladys Knight is breathing a big sigh of relief (oops, a southern reference to her “Chicken and Waffles” joint in A-town) that her place closes early on Sundays!

Apparently, the fight broke out in the restaurant and then carried over into the parking lot after a customer insulted a groupie hanging with Mr. Rock. With neither Pamela Anderson nor Tommy Lee present, police were baffled at whom the “other party” might be. Initial reports, that spread faster than a California wildfire, indicated that the fight revolved around hash browns being requested “smothered”, but being served “covered and capped.” It was only later clarified that the fight was, in fact, over a woman hanging with the band and that the references to “smothered” “covered” and “capped’ were purely sexual in nature and recently performed on the bus on the way to the restaurant; it is not know if Paris or Britney were on the bus at that time.

Cementing the ringing endorsement of the restaurant, it appears Kid Rock did his best to salute the chain with his mug shot, appearing “scattered” “all the way.”

on my radar: gun sales

Since when does Walgreen's sell machine guns without offering a coupon?

Atlanta's an exciting city these days: "drought of ages" (Def Leppard song maybe?), BET Awards, Trump Towers being built and FBI activity daily, but there is one place that's just hopping in the "City of Peachtree Streets" and that's the Walgreen's at Piedmont and North. Just days ago, Rapper TI was arrested attempting to purchase machine guns and silencers in the parking lot in front of the Walgreen's. What the hell!!!

I could see it happening at a Walmart or Costco, where you'll always find low prices or volume discounts, but a Walgreens? How un-hip is that for the "King of the South" to be doing "the drop" at a Walgreens? My friendly neighbor Carol Wright sends me coupons weekly to go out and give my hard earned dollars to local merchants, but even she doesn't promote Walgreen's; maybe she will now.

Is there mailing list, or FBI list, that gets me access to machine guns? Can I find silencers on eBay, or must I post on Craig'sGunList? I'm just wondering and trying to keep my shopping options open; I hate having to give all my business to Walmart when I can go elsewhere, or at least shop around. Maybe I will ask TI how he heard about the sale...

It is reassuring to know that machine guns and silencers are still easy to come by...

Anyone able to answer me how a Columbine or VTech massacre can happen?

on my radar: hindsight

How many New Yorkers would give me a hug if I was screaming at them on Broadway? Would anybody, anywhere, bother to give me anything but the finger or tell me to shut up or just call the cops? As tragic as the death of Carol Anne Gotbaum was, I find it sad that her husband has chosen to say all she needed was "some tenderness, a hug instead of handcuffs." You are from New York buddy- who in their right mind is going to give someone the time of day, better yet a hug, when they are acting all Anne Heche circa 2001? Sure it's a simple cure, but it ain't going to happen. Hell, A-Rod can't catch a break, why would she?

Hindsight says that "tenderness" would have been the right panacea, but if she went all postal and stabbed, bit, or otherwise attacked anyone who approached her, who'd be the fool? And in this day and age, those behaviors are about as likely to happen as a celebrity's going to rehab or jail.

Think what her agitated mental state was at the time of the incident...ponies coming at her from the sky, not a drink for days, no plane ride for her....not the person I'd think to say, "Can I give you a squeeze?" without her treating me to a "Monster's Ball" dance with bruises.

Yes, her death, while in custody at the Phoenix Airport, is quite bizarre and tragic, but to wish it away with trips to Fantasy land wont make things better and only create a false sense of blame and delay the healing.

that explains the smile!

Mr. Potato Head in ecstasy bust

Upon opening the parcel, the officers were greeted with the smiling face of the popular children's toy, which features a potato-like head and removable facial features. But when they removed a panel from the back of the toy, the officers found 10.34 ounces of ecstasy in a plastic bag.

Bursting Bubbles One by One (sorry Glinda): stupid questions

On occasion, something, or someone, or something someone has said will hit me in a funny way; not so much a funny "ha ha" kind of way; more like a "WTF?" "that is so annoying" kind of way. It's usually nothing earth shattering like seeing Amy Winehouse eating at a McDonald's, or Courtney Love looking a hell of a lot like Michael Jackson; it's usually much more subtle in the "did anyone else catch that besides me" kind of way. Once I have noticed it, it can't be ignored, like a mosquito bite (but not a west nile one)- it keeps "itching" at me and my sensibilities (note: "MY" sensibilities, I'm taking some huge leeway here) and finally something has to give, and that's where this space comes in. Here's some venting space...

The first bubble I'd like to burst is the idiotic notion that there are, "no dumb questions." No dumb question? Kiss Mo'Nique's ass! And that's a lot of ass! I'm calling "bullshit!" You know it and I know it, so just quit saying it! Yes Virgina, there are, in fact, insipid questions!

Here's a sample: when some one wakes you from a nap and asks, "why are you napping?" or "did I wake you?" or when you eat something that tastes spoiled and they want you to tell them "does this taste bad to you?" Or, is Steven Seagal the best actor of our time...Is the world flat? Does Bush know what he's talking about? Does the war make sense...

Yep...the proof of the pudding is in the eating...chow down on dumb questions!

on my radar: career moves

Britney Spears is answering the call! No, she's not Broadway-bound to star in "The Vagina Monologues"; after a flurry of job interviews this past week (and a stop off at Kevin's with the kids) it has been announced by Britney herself (since she has fired everyone around her)that she will no longer pursue a career in drunkenness, debauchery, motherhood, or singing; she is planning on focusing her time and energy on nunnery (it was too hard to become a Scientologist). She has pledged to spend her time in the Sisterhood of the Traveling NoPanties Covenant and hopes to spread the word of God through animal sounds and rhythmic movements.

Inspired by a night out of partying and then endless viewings of "The Sound of Music", Britney truly believes she can be the next Maria von Trappe; she just needs more children to look after, and thus she shed her two tykes in hopes of gaining 6 more, slightly older, kids. Friends close to the musician, who question her mental stability believe she is more likely to become the next Mary Kay Leturneau before she becomes a saint. Just released court documents bolster those friends concerns, revealing that Britney had hoped to give her kids to anyone but Kevin Federline, with her preference being Maury and Connie, Paris and Nicole, and Sarah Silverman.

Now that's just crazy!