Titillating

Move over "Red Bull," "Jolt," "Reload," and "Vault," America needs to make room for another energy drink in the beverage aisle and Hooter's is proud to provide it! Hooter's thinks, "Why stay confined to the old business model of beer and wings and jet service when we can expand our reach to include the growing needs of young Americans thirst for a boost?"

Think how crafty the designers can be when it comes to shaping the container! What a can't miss product! What nice cans! Why sell six-packs when you can market a full rack-pack! Although, it seems Hooter's stands at a distinct disadvantage, name recognition, when it comes to beverages; who thinks of an energy drink when looking at a Hooter's girl or vice-versa? Sure, Hooter's girls cause stimulation, but that's not quite what they are now trying to sell.

Why not just go straight to the source when looking for an energy boost and breasts, reach for a jug(s) of milk, nature's (and momma's) original milkshake...and that will bring the boys to your yard sale!

Fumble!

Safe-sex is so declasse these days.

What's the harm when frisky critters decide to do an assault on the birds and the bees and throw all caution (and protection) to the wind when getting down and doing the nasty? It's like sexually transmitted diseases and Dannielynn never happened! If you're gonna play, be prepared to pay the toll.

I'm befuddled by the fact that both Tom Brady and Matt Leinart are in the throws of impending fatherhood by chicks that aren't their wives. I'm not old-fashion, I know sex happens, and children are born everyday out of wedlock, but professional athletes have got to realize they have a target on their back that screams "BABY'S DADDY AND SECURITY FOR LIFE!" to any woman who can bed them. Why aren't theses boys, know for dressing up in uniforms every weekend, not dressing up the most important member of their team? Disregarding the risk of disease transmission (which is really nothing to scoff at in-and-of itself), going in unprotected is an easy way to paternity bli$$- you'd think it would be common sense to wear a condom, especially to Mr. Leinart who just finished playing college football at school whose mascot is a Trojan!

Smell not!

Hey you, drunk and throwing up all over yourself, what's that sexy and beguiling perfume you're wearing? Is that teen spirit or young adult angst? Despite the fact that you are a mess, appear not to be able to keep your balance, tend to disregard the wearing of panties, reek an awful lot like baby puke and nasty white rapper ass (akin to diaper rash?), I want to emulate you and your scent, can I smell like you?

I bet the Estee Lauder corporation wishes it could jump into a wormhole and go back in time a couple years and cash in their Britney lottery ticket before it turned into a bad egg!

Is this the scent you'd let your teen daughter wear? It's called "Curious" and look what it did to Britney! Don't be shocked if she drags K-Fed home with her then!

Over and out

Stevie Wonder, at the Grammy's, used about 11 different words starting with the preposition "over" when introducing an artist; ironically, two "over" uses he didn't utilize were "overcompensated", as in winning the pop-vocal collaboration award over U2 and Mary J Blige, and "overfed."

On the othe hand, "over the hedge" would have been a dandy way to describe Imogen Heap's nod to Mother Nature.

Model Behavior?

Tonight I've got a bone to pick with those who over-inflate the English lexicon in what are, essentially, manipulative tactics to get attention or ratings. Mr Bush does it all the time, but hey, he's the President and no one really holds politicians accountable to their words, so I'll give him a pass, but I won't be so kind to reality television.

"American Idol" is proving to be pretty genuine in terms of success for those who win or come close, and thus "idol" really isn't a malapropism, but damn it, Miss Banks, tossing around the non-de' plum of "America's Next Top Model" is down right bullshit!

Tyra Banks, let me start gnawing on that (big) bone; "ANTM" has yet to actually create a "top" model...unless you count one of them actually posing in a halter top as a "top model." This show has been on TV for what, eight is enough editions? One was enough! All those silly episodes and not one "real" model to show for it! I mean, when you call someone "America's next top model", something should happen...and it's not just getting a contract- thousands have a contract. We know many models by a name, "Kate, Twiggy, Cindy, Heidi, etc..." but who has ANTM given us? Hell, the only top model to have surfaced from the show is the reinvention of Janice Dickinson.

So, until they can prove their words, "ANTM" needs to change the show's name to better reflect the "reality" of it, say, "America's Next Flopped Model."

Death Succombs Her

You'd think it was the second coming and going of Princess Diana the way the media has jumped all over Anna Nicole Smith's death. What's even freakier is how quickly Larry King could pull together a tribute show, I mean it's not like she was Mother Theresa or Nancy Reagan and everyone was placing bets in the dead pool on when she was going to OD, then again, it was Anna and maybe they were! She's been an Amtrak train traveling down loose ties these past several years, so even by her sister's admission, "this isn't a surprise." But how morbid is it that a show could be pulled together in a matters of hours?

How does one give the Playboy Playmate her due respect, given that the reality show that was "Anna's vida loca" was orchestrated and filmed, allowing for everyone to catch her in all her absurdities . She thrived on being in the media, but trust this, death is not her last hurrah. The myriad of issues that her death creates is more pondersome than trying to figure out how long after the expiration date a carton of eggs is good for! How'd she die? Did she get offed? Who's her babies daddy? What happens to all the money? Was she legally married? What's Howard going to do? Who will interview Bobby Trendy first? What are the legal ramifications of her death? Will Howard handle it all? Is Trimspa involved?

Now we just have to wait for Quincy and the CSI team to do their investigation, let the media do their endless spinning and over-evaluation and finally see if the truth eeks it's way out somehow. Until another astronaut goes crazy, or Miss USA falls off the wagon....

NB-Gay!

Today the sports buzz is all about the "coming out" of former NBAer John Amaechi. Now it is refreshing to see that this news isn't "THE" news story of the day, it appears the slow news week has continued to keep NASA and diapers as the focus, but it is still a top ten.

It's amazing, and so telling, that only six male athletes (from the 4 major sports leagues) have ever come out, and all of them did it once their career was over. Even if the "perpetually gay-maligned" sport of figure skating was thrown into the mix, the "out" would not hit a dozen. What gives? You know there are more out there, but has Snickers scared them back into the closet?

Might someone, like the addition of Mr. Beckham to the U.S. sports conscious, help shift America's puritanical views? Not to say David is gay, not that there'd be anything wrong with that, but might he bring to our shores a new level of male sexuality that hasn't really been aligned with our male sports stars? Could he be the great "gayish" hope that finally relaxes our jock psyche? Well, before he gets hyp"TOM"ized into Scientology that is, then all bets are off!

I can't imagine that a rush of male athletes coming out is going to end sports as we know them, nor would it have team uniforms changing colors to pastels and relocating to Provincetown, although there might be a niche market for Burberry and Diesel to exploit! So, I congratulate Mr. Amaechi and hope his steps can create a path for others to follow, Martina can't do it alone!

DUH!

You can't be gay if no man will sleep with you!

So Ted Haggard is a cured "total heterosexual," oh happy day for the gays! No more Gay Days for Teddy bear! At least that means Orlando will be a Ted-free zone this year!

I question that he is cured, but like any gay man in their right mind is going to attempt to challenge that assertion, so the "diagnosis" stands by default? Maybe Ted should be doing a "Femmespa" commercial, (or Snickers) "give us three weeks and we'll take off your gayness and get your groove back with the babes!"

Sorry ladies, this is one man we ain't trying to keep on our team! Why keep someone who'd only ride the bench and never see any action on the field?"

**picture caption, "after 3 weeks of no sex it's tightened back down to this size, I must be straight, or out of jail!"

Klumpy

Catch the new movie that's got Eddie Murphy wishing it didn't come out two weeks before the Oscars and Tyra Banks claiming that there were 8 camera's on her (and each camera puts on 10 pounds...), "Norbit"

The true co$t of love: jail bond$

UPDATE:
"Judge sets bond at $10,000 for NASA astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak at a Florida court hearing where she was charged with attempting to murder an alleged love rival."

I've just got to wonder, is it really that bad out there, or was this guy that good, to lead to all these shenanigans? Is the NASA dating pool that shallow?I wish Carrie and Samantha were still around to explain how this happens, but since they aren't I'm trying to speed dial Amy Fisher.

Snicker at the gays

No more watching the straight men kiss...

"The Snickers kiss" ad has been spanked and put to bed, with no goodnight kiss! After an outcry from "various groups" Masterfoods' has pulled the ad campaign, but not before justifying it's marketing strategy...

"Masterfoods, which has discontinued the ad campaign, said the intent of the ad was not to offend, and noted that feedback from its target audience had been positive."

Wow! That must feel good- the repugnance of men kissing hit it's target audience, the 18-25 male... and scored with them, go figure! I guess applying Masterfoods' logic we should allow the KKK to run promo spots during Michael Richards upcoming comedy shows.

Just because people approve, doesn't make it right...need I remind folks of Andrew "Dice" Clay, Milli Vanilli and their Grammy, or the Macarana? 'Nuf said!

If they had someone cute, like say, um, Tom Brady and Brady Quinn in the commercial, would people have felt the same way?

I want your sex!

One can only wonder if the makers of Viagra or Cialis are behind this CRAAZZZY campaign?

"OLYMPIA -- Proponents of same-sex marriage have introduced an initiative that would put a whole new twist on traditional unions between men and women: It would require heterosexual couples to have children within three years or else have their marriages annulled."

Essentially this law aims to "get it on, or be gone!"

Talk about a "no child left behind" law!

Burn hazzards

Tired of waiting for that damn light bulb to cook your cupcake?
Wonder why little Sharon is throwing a hissy-fit before her tea party with the stuffed animals?

"Nearly 1 million toy ovens recalled. About 985,000 Easy-Bake Ovens sold since last May have been recalled on Tuesday because children can get their hands or fingers caught in the oven's opening, which poses an entrapment or burn hazard."

Does this help explain why the missus' (or mister's) cooking taste like crap?

What hurts the most

Good Golly Miss Molly!

Thank god Jessica Simpson ain't a rocket scientist, or things could have been a whole lot worse when she and Nicky split. Seems them smart NASA types like to get down with abductions and pepper spray when it comes to fighting over a man. It's a relief to know that our "Mission to Mars" team is human and can suffer from the same symptoms Mary MacGregor did when she found herself "torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool". Notice she felt "like a fool", not all "burning, irritated, tearing and pain in the eyes" type of love. I guess Mary didn't know about pepper spray back then-love was so much mellower in the 70's! It's good to note that that space shuttle captain must sure have some strong rocket boosters to be handling two astronaut women at once!

Now back to Miss Jessica. She has stated that, "what hurt the most" after SHE dumped Nicky, "was how quickly he started to date someone else." Nothing is fair in love and war my sweet nothing, and all bets are off for sympathy points when 'tis the one who dumped the milk who now cries over the mess!

Was there any subtle message to be read into her Superbowl "Pizza Hut" commercial, the one where she said her first true love was "cheesy-filled pizza crust?" Wasn't her last true love also cheesy-filled?

I think what hurts the most is biting into the cheese and getting burnt by it!

Bush's popularity rating

This temperature reading was taken during the Democratic session when Mr. Bush stated he would still be deploying a surge of troops to Iraq.

Dad of the Year

It's pretty earlier in the year to be giving out awards , unless they account for last years performances, but this might be a tough one to beat, of course, it is just February so I may have to renege on this later.

After years of living in obscurity, and never really overcoming the movie "So Fine" (who could?), Ryan O'Neal jumps back into the headlines with assault charges. First, while dressed as Chewbacca, he attacked unsuspecting (when are they really suspecting to be assaulted?) tourists on Hollywood Blvd.. failing to procure anything but an arrest, bad publicity and a shitty photo,O'Neal was taken to a police station where he was booked, and then released. Sadly, the police failed to remove all weapons from him. They might have taken any guns and sling-shots he had on him, but the LAPD failed to notice the light saber, which he turned on his son later that same weekend. It's nice to know Ryan has changed his habits, from beating women to now just taking it out on his children. Ryan O'Neal was arrested and accused of assault with a deadly weapon (obviously the light saber), against his adult son, Griffin.

Perhaps an anger management class (and new agent) might be in the works?

Super secret union

The aggressive tactics of "nazi-razzis"is making it harder and harder to keep secrets from the press these days (unless you are trying to promote your Cartoon Network with edgy marketing strategies- then no one knows till it's too late), which makes it all the more fascinating to learn about how one "public figure" (pun intended) kept her lesbian relationship under wraps until recently.

Tyra Banks announced that she quietly eloped with her girlfriend while on a visit to a Massachusetts bakery last month. The press release has taken many fans by surprise considering she hadn't been linked to anyone person, better yet a woman, in quite some time. And, known for the stunts she airs on her self-titled talk show, loyal viewers are wondering why she didn't just get hitched on her show (apparently, it wouldn't have been legal)?

How did this development go unnoticed? Did her weight gain blind us to her bling?Over the past few weeks, a higher level of scrutiny has been placed on Ms. Banks hips and thighs, especially after photos of a "more than size 4" Tyra in a swimsuit made the Internet rounds. Well now it all makes sense! A happily married woman, just like a man, is likely to gain weight as she celebrates her new found love and devotion to one another with food and drink (unless the couple happens to be gay males)!

Close friends fear this is a relationship without much legs; given Tyra's propensity for snacking at night, "Little Debbie" might not last it past the foreplay.

Miss America Trumped!

The Miss America pageant might be suffering from the Jan Brady complex, only this time, the uglier, news hog sister is getting all the press, "Tara! Tara! Tara!" Riddle me this pretty ladies from Oklahoma, "what do you do when ya throw a pageant and no one even knows it is on?" It's hard to find an audience when you are buried on cable-TVs CMT, better yet any press; especially when your sister, the Miss. USA, is garnering press everyday from Trump, Rosie, and AA, and the pageant is still months away! Some might cast a wary eye at the whole Miss USA debacle and question "ratings ploy?" From Donald Trump? Naw! He wouldn't, would he, throw a young drunk from Kentucky under the AA wheels just to get some ratings for a bad investment?

Despite the fact that Oklahoma has now taken the title two years running, if Miss America wants to stand a fighting and remain "America's first reality show", Lauren Nelson should claim that she was the coke dealer that supplied Tara Connor's with the stuff! Now that's a headline!