on my radar: new legislation

Washington-
Now back after a break, and swinging like Barry Bonds on steroids (redundant?), Congress is hustling to pass new legislation. The first bill to reach the floor was the new "George Washington" law, which holds all members of Congress to a new level of accountability; they are no longer able to tell lies. The silence is deafening!

Passage of this bill has made it extremely difficult to get any other legislation passed. The testimony of Alberto Gonzalez was canceled due to the new law, and apparently there will be no more updates from Iraq or any presidential "State of the Union" addresses.

Of course, for all fans of Monday night television (and there aren't that many of them), this is good news; there will no longer be any concerns for breaking news from the government or preempting of "Two and a Half Men." It is true that C-SPAN went to black until they were able to broadcast the movie, "Liar, Liar" consistently.

No members of Congress were able to comment on this law, based the new rules.

Needless to say, Capitol Hill ground to a stop faster than Howard K.Stern can file a lawsuit and so something had to be done. After two days of silence and not a single issue resolved Ms. Pelosi acknowledged the efficaciousness of the law, but then confirmed (after referencing wikipedia) that the whole "I can not tell a lie" story was infact, a lie, and the law was instantly revoked, with only a minor amount of pork attached to the bill left to be doled out.

Empire Falls

Lawyer Jumps From Empire State Building- (now people are lining up to buy Karl Rove a ticket to see the view from the top) AP.

NEW YORK (April 14) - Bystanders watched in shock as a young lawyer leaped to his death from the Empire State Building's 69th floor and part of his body plummeted to the pavement, according to witnesses and police.

Has anyone checked into the whereabouts of Howard K Stern lately? Can E.T. be far behind?


"I cried and got sick to my stomach," said Theresa Colon, 46, a tourist from Virginia. "I pray he knew who God was." Police identified the man as Moshe Kanovsky, a lawyer in his 30s. He jumped out a law office window, they said. Witnesses said some bystanders screamed and ran - either to flee or to look -as Kanovsky's leg fell to the sidewalk on West 33rd Street at about 3 p.m. Friday. His body was later found on a landing on the 30th floor, police said.

Although it is speculative, a few people have claimed to have seen Heather Mills lingering around the scene of the accident and asking if anyone knew which leg it was that had been recovered.

Freedom!

Hey exonerated Duke players....now that the charges have been dropped, how ya gonna celebrate? We gonna find some "nappy haired ho" and party all-night with The Pac-man! Nothing bad ever happens to players in the NFL! Wait, wasn't getting down with nappy haired ho's what gotcha into trouble in the first place?

'cuse me..."nappy haired ho" isn't a necessarily a racist comment...several folks can fill them shoes...

Baby's Daddy?

There were sooo many good rumors- and a heck of a lot of other options that would have lead to GREAT television moments: one rumor had it that Anna was pregger's with her dead oilman's baby...wouldn't that have been a crafty way to keep the inheritance alive! A couple of fools claims for attention put either OJ or Zsa Zsa "Prince hubby" at the crime scene and screaming for paternity, but in the end, devout youngster Larry Birkhead goes the distance and wins the "baby daddy" title. He does realize who the kids grandmother will always be, right? My favorite rumor was the one that had Anna's dead son as the father and that the birth of the daughter drove the son to depression (having to share momma's love with a his daughter/sister) and Howard was the hero who was trying to protect the family from its incestuous ways. Stern the hero in this updated Oedipus tragedy!

The way things have been going these past few weeks, I wouldn't have been surprised if Sanjaya was named the papa...

Happy Easter!

Yep, you stupid crying bitch, there ain't gonna be a basket at your door this year, Pete is dead!

The Bush girls emerge...

Daddy's job approval is in the dumper, so what's daddy's little girls to to to help bolster support?

How about a magazine cover! Let's just doll them up a bit, maybe put on a fake wig, and presto...the Bush girls are ready to take on the Taliban!!! Watch out Osama, Bab's and Jenna are gunning for you!

Tubthumping the night away!

Europeans music tastes have shifted in the past few years, with the sales of hip-hop music suffering huge declines in popularity and airplay. Although rumors of its death are highly overrated, white people around the UK have been seen openly celebrating the news and cheering on the recent customs and immigration rejection of Snoop Dogg into the country. The English are secretly wondering, could a Beatles reunion be far behind and might Linda and Paul rekindle their relationship?

Tired of campers and smores?

The success of Quizno's new marketing has reached new highs, not only are their sandwiches outselling Subway's, but they appear to be a big hit with the animal kingdom too! What's Jared gonna say about this?

Quizno's new marketing jingle, "our double-meat brings all the coyote's to the cooler, and they're like it's better than Jared's".

In case you were wondering...

Hip-hop just bebopped down the rock-n-roll trail and ended up in a cave for three days, but on the fourth day, it had arisen...thanks for the clarification. Too bad gaudy jewelry ain't died yet!

Sweet Jesus

What to do with Hershey's mixes with Christianity?

The holiday egg hunt is being postponed this week so that I may search for an even more important symbol of Easter- Christ himself! Somewhere in the vast city we call New York, there resides a statue of Jesus, but he is being hidden from view because he is depicted "anatomically correct." Ah, the blasphemy of casting Jesus in man's own image...right down to his genitalia, "how dare they make him a mere mortal?" This piece of art(done by a student) was to hang in a hotel during the Easter week, but complaints by religious folks prompted the hotel to temporarily store Jesus in a refrigerated storage. Man, he was born in a stable and now is stuck in a refrigerator- you'd think being Jesus would get a man a break! What's even more odd about the complaints at this art show is that no one seems to take issue with the "Obama as Jesus" piece; false prophet versus chocolate prophet?

Now there is a bonus to this "search and report out" mission: if I find the Jesus, and I am hungry, I could take a little nibble out of the guy, seeing how this statute is made out of chocolate. I'm placing bets that if i do this, the chocolate will magically (miraculously perhaps?) repair itself, allowing for everyone who finds it the opportunity to symbolically eat the flesh of Jesus- no nasty wafers this Easter season!

What is it that people are all up in arms about? There are plenty of chocolates available that depict Jesus, so it can't be that; could it be that it was a dark chocolate (even though it is more than certain Jesus was dark skinned) statue, or is it because they made him, "a man" (penis envy)?

8 Ain't Enough

With the ink barely dry from adopting their fourth child, Angelina and Brad have shocked their close family and friends by revealing, over the past weekend, their intentions to further add to their brood.

Not ones to do things commonly, Brad and Angelina have decided to step into the fray of the Anna Nicole train-wreck and adopt little Dannielynn from the Bahamian government and give this soap opera a conclusion. Of course they anticipate another round of legal maneuvers by Howard Stern to keep the identity of Dannielynn's daddy secret, further delaying his ability to go out and find a job...and come to think of it, if he is a lawyer, why doesn't he do his own work?
It seems Vergie was able to get Larry to secretly agree to let the Jolie-Pitt family adopt Dannielynn so long as they guarantee that there will no longer be any Anna Nicole coverage on Entertainment Tonight and that both Vergie and Larry remain guardians of the child; thus keeping Howard out of the family portrait and news media, just as soon as his lawsuits have dried up.

One might think that delving into the whole A-N fiasco would slow down Brangelina, or any sensible person, but they are pushing forward with one more addition; they also plan to adopt the Miss America pageant. Country Music Television doesn't want the show, NBC has passed on it, even Trump has said no, so Angelina decided she should take the show in. Now, what would seem like every man's fantasy actually has Brad nervous, given Angelina's past "ambiguous relationships"; while Angelina might be out with the girls, Brad would be stuck home babysitting the kids; while he's giving the kids pony rides, she's giving lap dances to the Misses!

Check back next week to see if there are any new additions to this "updated" Addam's family!