It Lives! Shazam! Ta-dah!

Perhaps all it took was the decline of an icon to get me back in the game- that poor Florence Henderson was robbed! Shame on the "House of Palin" for remaining upright when it kept collapsing during the show!

Maybe just too much coffee late in the day, and a slow down at the office, has my storytelling fingers itchy ?

Just what has moved me to rekindle an old flame almost a year removed from our last date? Change, and not the kind that you voted for in 2008!

Perhap blogging while working at a very large media empire (with a famous news network or two) creates a sense of fear when there is a company policy to manuever around to avoid getting spanked; or just a real busy schedule keeping my hands tied and away from the blogosphere. Is blogging still happening?

Never the less, in the immortal words of many fun dance songs (Howard Jones, Lisa Stansfield, Jesse McCartney, et al), "i'm leaving".

Yep- after 10.5 years of working in one place I am uprooting to go work at another place (how eloquent, eh?). I have loved my job, company and all it has provided for me along my professional career. The opportunity for growth internally wasn't clear or currently present, so I have found it elsewhere.  I leave with only great feeling and some sadness for those I will miss- and yet a new group awaits!

Like Liz Lemon says...

"Dealbreakers..."

If you don't watch a performance but act offended by it, you don't get to complain. If you are a network that puts on the said performance and leaves it unedited from East to West coast feeds, you can't claim you've been fouled. You can't claim ignorance either when you promote the performance as "outrageous" and  schedule it after the all awards have been given out and the local news is nipping at your heels- just in case people tune out. Dealbreaker! If you are offended yet too lazy to click the remote...dealbreaker!

No complaining about healthcare if you are overweight or a smoker- you are the very thing that is burdening the system. Dealbreaker!

Divorced people can't fight for the defense of marriage- they are who mock the institute. Protect marriage- don't divorce!

And, you can't support a candidate if you don't know why you support them...

The American Music Awards in review

Awards season is kicking into gear and if the AMA is a bellwether of what's to come, well then you better start a crackin' to stock up on gauze, hairspray, "I love Taylor Swift" posters and any discarded Mad Max and the Thunderdome outfits you can find. Although Alicia Keyes may have already beaten you to all the chainmail tops, it seems there's no end to the supply of barbed shoulders. And Jlo, I'd leave the "Louboutins" and start over with some "fresh out of the oven" music if you want to be a contender in a comeback role!

Speaking of comebacks, "what up, Whitney?" Seems like Dick Clark needed to create an award for the "comeback of the year", so why not call her "Int'l Artist of the Year?"- not like anyone really believes it, but it gave The Preacher's Wife a chance to reclaim the stage-too bad she can't sing any more. That was just an okay, talk-along approach, without hitting any notes. You could see the sighs of relief in the crowd when she finished and hadn't pulled a Britney, circa 2008, VMA's!

Question- why didn't Elvis, Nat King Cole or the Beatles get nominated? Oh yeah, cause they are dead and don't have new material...so...Michael...why was he nominated? The act of dying is not a category! Just because he died doesn't mean you throw him into categories he doesn't qualify for! Give him his props with an honorary award, but don't put him on the ballot! It just make the whole evening and awards seem cheap...speaking of Adam Lambert's performance- could someone return Paula Abdul's "Cold-Hearted Snake" props when they are done? The mirror goes back to Michael's Neverland ranch.

I think Rihanna stole Toni Braxon's outfit from the Grammy's years ago- or King Tut and repurposed it. That resourceful Lady GaGa then took it and made outfits for all of her dancers out of it! Now, add a dash of zombie dance moves, fire, broken glass, christmas lights and the stage is set for her perfect performance; Lady G's, not Riri's.

Why does Perez show up? And why does anyone give him a mic?

Thank goodness for Mary J and Carrie Underwood for keeping the joint classy!

And well, props to Taylor Swift who stayed up really late to accept her awards! Way to go! I hope she doesn't have to perform today!

By the end of the night, I think the only thing feeling more spent than Taylor Swift's acceptance speeches were the censors working the Eminem and 50 Cent performance or Adam Lambert's stylist.

Like I never left...

Yo Zombie Jesus, when I fall asleep at the wheel blog, I thought you were supposed to take over! I should have known country music lyrics were just a bunch of lies, unless Taylor Swift sings them!

Apparently nobody was ghost-writing while I fiddled, maybe they were too busy watching TV?

What brings me out of my shell? That dumb woman Carrie Prejean and Jon minus 8....why won't they just shut up and go away? Is anybody listening? Wait a sec- aren't these the same stupid people I was blogging about 2 months ago, and they still haven't left the building?

Well, now I know why I fell asleep at the wheel- they bore me to sleep! I'd rather listen to the band members of Aerosmith argue about if they have broken up or not than give an audience to Jon "what's his claim to fame"? And as for CP- she'd sell more book with less publicity, she's giving her "Christian" self a bad name! Shut up already!

Is anyone excited about seeing Levi Johnson naked? How frickin' arbitrary is that? WTF? And yet he gets media reporting on this- this is treated as breaking news! The only thing breaking appears to be his zipper and his panty's elastic waistband that causes them to fall down- no need to send a satelite car & crew over for reporting about the shlong...and honestly, if it is so impressive, why would you need a satelite truck equipment to see it?

Jon/Kate, Carrie/Pageants, or Levi/Sarah and the media...The only person who seems to have been able to sum up these folks and their relationships appropriately is Gaga..."call it a bad romance."

The Sizzle!!

Washington upended USC, 16-13,...the Dawgs are the sizzle!

And that's all I'm going to say about that- nothing worse than a poor winner, despite having so few wins to celebrate over the past 3 years.

How did they pull off the win? Perhaps it was the Dick Butkus pep talk? Spending the night at a Holiday Inn Express? Drinking milk? Who knows, let's just hope it's the start of things to come!

I was afraid to go to sleep last night, for fear it would all be just a dream and in the morning it would still be Saturday AM and the game would have yet to be played. Although the win is still there on the record books, my fears were well founded about going to sleep. I had a nightmare that right when Washington kicked the winning field goal, one of the refs turned into Kayne West and decided that USC was usually a much better team and so we don't get to celebrate our win, even though the kick counted. He chased everyone off the field, but was taken down by an errant goalpost falling over.

It was like one of those Geico commercials, when the cave men are finally enjoying themselves, whether at the beach or in a bowling alley, and then suddenly a Geico ad pops up and ruins the whole day! I know why the cave man cries!

After 2 years of watching other teams celebrate victory after victory, and quietly wishing (in my best Liz Lemon voice) "I want to go to there"...."there" finally got here! Not that I counted, but it had been 741 days since the last time a Dawg fan got to celebrate back-back wins...I'm just saying.

Well, the win was real...yippee!!

13,260

No, those are not my winning lottery numbers or how you measure a year- it's what you make in a month.

What would you do if you received $13,260/month?

That's like paying off a year of college tuition and still putting a down payment on a car, in just one month! I guess next months stipend goes to a crazy party at Chuck E. Cheese and purchasing more Hannah Montana crap then 20 screaming 10 year old girls could devour at All-American Girl (well, if they were to sell Hannah there)!!

$13,260 is the amount each one of Michael Jackson's kids receives monthly. "Blanket" has become a lot more expensive than a Snuggy- he's a cashmere quilt!
Hell, I bet Lourdes Ciccione is wishing she could have been adopted! Momma Madonna seems to be much more grounded in granting her special privileges.

Given how much money that is and how young these kids are, if Katherine doesn't do something to help them along, I guessing we are about to witness the slow development of the next Danny Bonaduce, Corey Feldman and Dana Plato in the making- I can only hope they aspire to be Paris!

Treason!

Now I know why other countries hate us!

First we offer up 2 servings of George W.
Then we dish out this??

How can America succeed in stemming the tide of ill-will when we dump this shit on the world, without so much as a warning? People were upset about the Valdez oil spill...what about this toxic waste?

With so many options to choose from, this is what they came up with? What, did Samantha Fox cancel at the last minute and LaToya wasn't available?

You know, it serves NBC right that they should wallow away in crappy ratings- apparently they signed some deal with the devil Sylar and now they are paying for it! And I'm not referring to Seasons 2 and 3 of "Heroes"!

The Bahama's should sue for slander because this "performance" shenanigan violates their motto, "it's better in the Bahama's" something fierce!

Testing my patience

For a society that, on the whole, seems to abhor anything close to standardized testing (whether it be the SAT's, ACT's, IQ, blood, who's your daddy, Chlamydia, or emergency broadcasting systems) there sure are a helluva lot of tests you can take on Facebook- and people are not only taking them, but they are sharing their answers with everyone...and thinking you should take the same tests too!

How keen is it that the city we both should live in is Phoenix (ouch, that hurts!)
or that my closest "Sex in the City" persona is Carrie (yeah, we type about the same number of words per minute) or if I were a superhero I'd be the Flash (the red spandex and spanx are quite fetching!)?

Maybe it is because I was that "one of those" people who rather enjoyed taking tests through out school that I have such a disdain for the random crap that is such malarkey and has no foot in reality or value. "Like I'm really closest to Julie on the Love Boat" and my best pet should be a turtle"!

So the latest, and close to lamest, test to wander down the pike has to be, "If you were a Jonas Brother, which would you be?" I quickly answered, "the one without the ring..." but when the answer came back, "Eric Dane" I realized maybe there was something to this...

Does a rose smell as sweet?

"What about the smell?" is all I keep thinking of when I hear that Michael, THE Michael, has yet to be laid to rest.

I mean, do they have him secured in a human-size Ziploc baggy or something?
I know how a pair of feet can smell in a day or two with no washings, but add armpits (he still did have those, right?), decaying skin and musty death-breath and you got some major funk going on! If CSI has taught me anything, it's that dead bodies can create some major Febreeze moments! If he thought Diana was dirty, imagine what she's saying about him, right about now!

Lay the poor man to rest already! You know anything that has to do with MJ is still going to be a 3 ring circus, so have with it and move on to all the legal disputes that will go on infinitely. It's not just the music that will make MJ immortal, it's also the litany of lawsuits that will stretch from here to the end of time.

Memoirs of an Imperfect Angle

I hate wrapping Christmas presents!

No, we are not anywhere near the season of church-driven giving (it ain't charity sweetie!), but I figured I might as well get that rant off my chest during the dog days of summer when everyone is a bit grouchy because of the darn heat and humidity; complaining just seems to blend better during summer's muggy-ness than in winter's chills. Like how smoking a cigarette seems more chic in winter when those tendrils of nicotine-exhaust waif out of your mouth, than during the 100 degrees days of summer where it looks as enjoyable smoking as it does wearing a gas mask jogging.

I know that there were people who, while growing up, belonged to certain ("DECA, DECA anyone?") high school groups that would not only teach you how to wrap presents in a manner that would make you look like an expert, but that would also then hawk those skills at the local malls for a few bucks to help your said school organization. This skill wasn't for me. I was too busy doing sports and learning real life talents, like integers and chemistry equations. I preferred to wrap my presents like I wrapped my text books, place them in a bag; VIOLA!...or if I went fancy, I cut that brown grocery bag open and wrapped the book up with a new surface for future doodling.

Fast forward to the future...

Now I am a broken man, embarrassed by the sad displays of perverted colored origami (that I paid dearly for at the local Hallmark store) molesting a box, trying to pass it off as eclectic wrapping talents. I typically acknowledge the "blooming skills" of my young children who wanted to "help daddy". That only gets awkward when gift recipients realize I have no children. The thing is, when it comes to wrapping, I can't get a darn angle to work with me! I fold one side too short, the other was cut wrong and I end up with something as disheveled as Oscar Madison from the Odd Couple! And what's worse? My partner is an EXPERT at this shit (not that I am competitive about these things...). Every gift he wraps not only looks commercial ready for Tiffany's or Bloomingdale's (even Martha needs to step back!),he even nails the darn ribbons...that he makes! I sit there sticking on as many of those pre-made puppies as I can, to hide the paper tragedy, and he's there making his own....and they look good. I silently curse paper cuts on him that just don't come while I fiddle with yet another crappy angle of wrapping paper to finesse into something more than it will ever be, like Tonya Harding's dreams of making it into the big time.

My closing thought on this, "Thank you for gift bags..."

Hughes? Hughes? Hughes?

For many, the day "the Earth stood still", was merely a month ago when Michael Jackson was declared dead (and not the Keanu movie remake), as I have made clear, that day was not so tragic in my eyes- he'd been a ghost of himself for over a decade; but the news today, of another 80's icon passing, did bum me out.

During a walk in Central Park, director John Hughes suffered a fatal heart attack.

If MJ provided the music to many people's childhood, John Hughes provided the movies. Growing up with the Breakfast Club (and desiring to start my own, only not detention-themed), the fear of being forgotten on my sweet 16, left home alone while the family vacations (I guess there's a plus for staycations) or crashing my father's car after skipping school (like I got to drive!), John Hughes wrote and directed the movies my generation was raised on. Too bad he had "Curly Sue" as his last effort, but where would "The Office" be if JH hadn't helped find Steve Carroll?

At least his efforts will forever (don't you worry about us forgetting about you, don't don't don't) be available via Blockbuster Netflixs.

Perhaps fitting, what came to mind when I heard of his death, were lyrics to an old OMD song from "Pretty in Pink", "If You Leave".

"...We’ve always had time on our sides
Now it’s fading fast
Every second, every moment
We’ve got to, We’ve got to make it last..."

Thanks for the movies, Mr Hughes...

I Learned it from Reality TV

Everything important in life, I learned from TV.

ok, more precisely, i learned the real critical stuff from reality tv

My lesson of the summer is two-fold; "don't mess with the big balls, just take a time penalty" and "men don't leave". Ladies, I hope you are taking notes! You ought to be taking notes!

So the "nothing to watch on Monday nights" complaint is finally over, now that "True Blood" repeats Sunday night's episode at the much more friendly hour of 8pm.
But I did get mildly hooked on the Bachelorette (finally concluding this week)- it's such a well written show! The plot lines are quite addictive.

After watching this hapless woman narrow down her suitors-to-be, I found myself asking, are (straight) men always this way? Not once or twice, but three times now men have left, just to show back up...and twice they were asked to leave. What's up with the "men don't leave" mentality? I can't imagine this translates well with future possible mates who have observed these guys not being able to take directions. I hope those who have to deal with men learn to lock their doors and change locks frequently! There's nothing more pathetic than a guy who's been dumped coming back for more...can I get an amen (and a restraining order)?

Years ago Jessica Lange has a movie about this phenomena, but I thought Lorena Bobbitt helped put an end to this; apparently not.

As for the big balls...well, that just goes without saying.

I Survived A Senate Hearing Gameshow

"dim all the lights (sweet darling) and cue the audience."
"placards in place to tell when to hoot and whistle and cheer and boo."

bring out the contestants

"stock the challenge booth with lots of water and ginseng, to help refresh the person and their memories."

First question, (for a potential seat in the big courthouse), "what EXACTLY did you mean, when 22 years ago, you said, "damn, he's hot!"

"To the best of my recollection, while watching a "6 Million Dollar Man" rerun, I noted that, while saving a disabled person, the actor, Lee Majors, looked hot in his t-shirt."

"Could you please clarify that statement? The American people have right to know where you stood on the appearance of Lee Majors (20 years ago), and if, by claiming he "was hot" did you discriminate against a lesser handsome person and trample over someones rights to non-discrimination based on appearance? So you believed Lee Majors to be hot?"

"At the time I thought that was an appropriate response. Yes."

"And do you still feel that way?"

"No."

"So you have changed your position on something you said just 22 years ago?"

cue the boo and hiss cards

Nothing further, next contestant please...

HP6: Magically Delicious!

Hip-hip-hooray!

I caught a premiere showing of Harry Potter last night and thoroughly enjoyed it!
Yes, this is from the same person who is enjoying this seasons Bachelorette, but don't hate on that! I know it's just fluff! It's not rocket science like Wipeout!

To help set the record straight, I didn't wait up past midnight to catch it, I got a sneak peek- and the only reason why I clarify that is to help prove I am impartial; as much as I may like Madonna, I'm not afraid to call out her in Body of Evidence, Shanghai Surprise , Who's that Girl, Speed the Plow her movie choices SweptAway. I'm not one of the crazy ones who dress up and and wait for hours/days in line to catch the Half-Blood Prince at the striking of midnight, or counted down the days till the final book came out.

Ok, getting the Deathly Hollows, at Waterstones, in London, on July 20th, 2007, way past midnight, on what is otherwise known as "opening night of sales" is a totally different story! (Tom) Riddle me this...Where were you when the final book came out?

Anywho...the movie is great, but advice for the book lover, don't brush up on the storyline before you go- there are some deviations from the book that may disappoint some of the "true hearts". But taken as its own movie, it's a wonderful adventure and has you primed for the final two installments...2010 and 2011 can't come soon enough!

Re-Joyce!

Nothing screams, "MOVE THAT BUS!", like a bad mug shot!
The latest entry into the "I'm a drunk celebrity- get me an extreme makeover" is none other than the lovable and laughable Janet. What she wouldn't do to have Mr. Roper bail her out of this one!

"well yeah, Three's Company was on 3 decades ago, but hey...who's counting?" Apparently, neither Joyce nor the Regal Beagle bartender, but the Breathalyzer certainly was!

There really should be someone running a "GlamorMug Shot" service to the stars- they'd certainly stay in business. Given how TMZ is all over everyone's shit before the cops are, perhaps they could add it to their line of services. At least then someone might agree to an interview or regard them somewhat favorably.

Here's hoping Joyce DeWitt pulls that mug back together, it's way too close to looking like Norman Fell!

Is that it?

Beggars can't be choosers, but I felt this action was just the tip of the iceberg.

Given the crap that we as a radio listening audience have had to put up with over the years, I would think Mimi could have been a bit longer in her apology. Yes, it is a great first step towards acknowledging the s&$t she squatted out and dumped on the world, but it makes me think that she doesn't realize that is how she always sounds!

And, while she is apologizing, what about the dress she wore...?

So I have seen the dessert, "Death by Chocolate", on many a fine restaurants menus, but after reading this I just kept thinking about poor Augusta in Willy Wonka. This is not the way I want to go. MJ is my new role model for going out quick and easy, but with a big splash! Just no Mariah, please!

Stealing Salutations

Merry 3rd of July to all and to all a good fireworks show!

Something as big as the USA's birthday deserves more than just a mere day to celebrate (and who couldn't use another day off work), so I'm pushing to get a "4th of July Birthday Eve" added to our grouping of federal holidays. Note, that is "grouping", not "groping"; one needs not wait for a federal holiday to be groped, if you're lucky! Hello, separation of church and state? We "technically" aren't a religious country, but Jesus gets an "eve" thrown his way (and it's not even the real birth date, if you follow those things), so why can't Uncle Sam? Let the debate begin!

So Michael is dead and now he's a saint; funny what death can do to an image. Perhaps Perez should take note? Bet he's glad June is over! It's almost blasphemous now to refer to MJ as "wacko jacko", but less than two weeks ago he was irrelevant, bizarre and losing Neverland Ranch, again. Strip away his music credentials and he was a creepy man who would most likely have been locked up for a variety of reasons, least of all the cavorting around with a monkey. But now...need I say more?

A tribute to the Governor of South Carolina

A little ditty about the Governor of South Carolina...to the tune of the Black Eyed Peas, "where is the love"...

What's wrong with SC mama?
Daddy's living like aint got no mamas
I think politicians are addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas travellin'
Not explaining where he's been
Claims he's been hikin'
On the Appalachian
But it's frontin' for another woman
Yet marriages he will support to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's the lies he perpetrates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all

People cheatin' people lying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the Gov?(where is the Govx3)(the Gov2x)

Now the wife already sez he's changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Then trips to Argentina don't belong
Now the Governor drops a bomb
For months it's been going on
Away on Father's Day
What do you have to say
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy Argentine lover
Disappeared with the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the Gov y'all?(I don't know)
What's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the Gov y'all?

People cheatin people lying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the Gov?(where is the Govx3)(the Govx2)

Quote of the Day: anti-Twilight (again)

39-year-old actor Stephen Moyer, who plays Bill Compton, a 173-year-old Southern vampire on HBO's True Blood had this to say about Twilight's Robert Pattinson,

"He's a pussy! He's the Slim-Fast, Diet Coke of vampires."

It's hilarious, vamps dissing one another. I wonder what Spike or Angel would have to say? I bet Drusilla would like the young one and so would Eric.

Dear Stephanie...

Dear Stephanie Pratt,

I am so sorry to hear about your weight challenges while on The Hills. Given what being on that show did to you, it makes sense you've moved on. Your health is most important!

Oh, but you haven't moved on.

So who is to blame? You say the show, i say, "Why blame just one show when you could blame the whole city of L.A., the entertainment industry or the state of California? Go big or go home!"

Oops, bad advice. I'm sure that's something like what they said, "get big and go home! We only like reality stars that look thin, not real!"

I'm not sure if just being on a show can actually make you thinner.
NEWS FLASH...you may have had something to do with it; call it bad eating habits, drinking habits, always filming at a bar or coffee shop habits, binging habits, puking habits, smoking habits, coffee habits...or your stupid brother's habit of stressing you out.

The Usual Suspects.

I'm not a believer that being on a skinny-girl show creates your osmosis of bulimia to be skinny. I have watched plenty of America's Funniest Home Video's and never found Bob Saget to be funny. Anna Paquin doesn't have ESP in real life and Heather Locklear is no sharp shooter ala TJ Hooker!

I'm not saying, I'm just saying...