A HILL-arious spoof!

on my radar: ode to my appendix

It's been 7 hours and 15 days,
Since they my appendix away
They took it out and I slept all day
Since they took my useless organ away
Since it's been gone I can't do whatever I want
I can't see whomever I choose (damn awful daytime tv)
I can't eat in a fancy restaurant
But something
I said something that takes away the blues
Vicodin...
Nothing compares to you!

My intestine's so lonely without you near
Like Tara Reid without a thong
Nothing can stop my "daytime tv doldrums" tears from falling
Tell me Drew Carey where did I go wrong
I can't put my arms around anybody I see
It only causes me pain
I went to my emergency room and guess what they told me
Guess what he told me?
He said boy, it's gotta go
No matter what you do
But that's not cool
'Cause nothing goes
Nothing will go, to where my appendix grew!

All the white blood cells I acquired, mama
In my insides
All died down when it went away
I know that living without you is no big deal
And i don't have to cry
But nothing makes me sadder
Unless they next go for the equally useless gallbladder!

on my radar: bu-bye doll face

Dancing with the Stars just handed down it's 5th season champion, and the Republicans ought to be taking note!

It appears the Mormon vote isn't that threatening in the end, seeing how a hispanic and a black were able to oust the Osmond (I'm a doll designer!) contender. This should bode well for a Obama/Richardson ticket!

on my radar: tidbits of trash

You make the call. Is the picture:

a real life imagining of the ugly stepsister/barmaid in Shrek 3, a drunk Las Vegas groom's nightmare, Larry Craig at his wedding or a terrorist trying out "what it feels like for a girl?" No, that's not Keanu! It's a fleeing insurgent who's about to become very popular during the cell block tango!

Recently, Larry King officially "saw it all" when Dr. Jan Adams walked off of the "Larry King Live" set. "Hello? Larry, could you pick up the phone, line one, Vanity is calling and she won't hang up until you quit!" Just because he's old and tired doesn't make him an expert on everything and just because a tree fell in his forest, doesn't mean we all heard it. The real reason Dr. Adams walked off the show was because he heard that Oprah might be one of the callers; James Frey ring a scaredy cat bell to anyone?

Puerto Ricans are getting vicious when it comes to beauty pageants, spiking make-up and dousing a contestant's gown with pepper spray in order to cause her to break out and be forced to quit (almost sounds like just another day at Pageant Palace). Too bad; although the stuff caused hives, the contestant stayed in and won the damn competition, Drop Dead Gorgeously! Investigators plan to look into the crimes and expose the conspirators, who will then hopefully find employment doing the same work to the ET crew! See ya Mary Hart and Donnie Osmond!

on my radar: rewriting history

The possibility of newly discovered picture of President Lincoln arriving at the stage for the Gettysburg address had historians buzzing this week. Previously it was believed that only one photo image from that era existed, the addition of a second photo is a huge especially considering the significance of that day.

There are four reasons why this photo is so important:

First, it proves for once and for all, if the image is of Lincoln, that he arrived at Gettysburg on horseback, NOT in a Pinto car. Clearly, his stovetop hat would not have been able to fit inside the Pinto- heck, the Pinto barely withstood "Cujo" a century later, how ever would it have withstood unpaved roads? But, if the evidence is only supported by the stovetop hat, might that be Frosty the Snowman?

Secondly, it shows that a chicken, not a turkey was the meal of choice for those wanting to celebrate special events- thus fueling the debate as to what the Pilgrims really ate two century's prior when they broke bread (and spread sexually transmitted diseases) with the Cleveland Indians. Maybe next year it'll be chicken and stuffing for Thanksgiving.

Thirdly, and most importantly, Kodak regains bragging rights over Fuji film for "Best photo from the 1860's" (up till now it had been a pastoral image of Texas' first cattle drive with Laura Bush's great grandmother trampling her boyfriend during the ride).

Fourth, and less significant than the other points, it confirms that Lincoln, sans daisies or roses, was the inspiration for Neil Diamond's song " You Don't Bring Me Flowers."

on my radar: Osmond's go home!

The Osmond clan is everywhere these days- why?

We've got Mit Romney running for President, "Big Love" is an HBO hit and Jeffer's is in jail; in other famous words of Tina Turner, "we don't need another Mormon!" Okay, not another Mormon without some merit, at least!

Donnie and Marie have become as ubiquitous as "Umbrella" was during the summer months, but at least that song was ferschizzle! The Osmond's reappearance into the media world is about as welcome as a pair of high heels in Ellen's shoe closet! Somehow Donnie was shanghaied for ET(exploitation television) and now they are stuffing him down our throat as THE "Dancing with the Stars" expert. Blah Blah Blah! I wish Oprah was eating more, she could have scarfed down half of the family on her special show and still barely made a dent in the numbers!

My special hope is that Marie gets voted off the show and then, **poof** they are gone, but...given the Mormon Nation, she's gonna win...a foreshadowing of the Republican nomination?

Ever since they voted off Sabrina (the real winner) I have been in a most Scissor Sister's mood about the show and Donnie and Marie everywhere has only exacerbated it..."I don't feel like Dancing, no sir no dancing today!"

on my radar: Using My Religion

It has been pretty well documented that there ain't been many rainy nights in Georgia this year, despite what some songs may imply. So what is a state to do when ya love a rainy night but you just don't have any thunder or lightening lighting up the skies? Gov. Sonny Perdue has taken the lyrics of Tina Turner to heart and has determined to, "break all the rules" which essentially is to eliminate any perception that there is such thing as a "separation of church and state" in the South and has scheduled an interfaith "pray for rain" assembly meeting. While the local media is teaching us how to conserve, the Governor has decided to bring on the rain by telling us all to pray(not like it has worked for Alabama).

There's all types of wrong with this approach- far be it from me to point them out, but I do wonder if any rain dancers were invited. If I were to believe that praying and chanting for the cause would work, I would hope Native American rain makers were thought of- I think they would be the most likely to succeed!

What I find interesting, if you buy into this logic, is the simplicity of the answer is what MaDonna, an unlikely beacon of religion, has always preached; wants some rain? It's like a prayer!

Where is St Jude when ya really need him?

So, if you are like that, say a little prayer for rain and keep the devil of a dryspell from staying down in Georgia! Or vote for a new Govenor...either action will have about the same logical impact on our weather!

Is praying for rain on the days the weather forecast includes possible precipitation "praying fair?"

on my radar: childish behavior

Cartoon's and children's stories were thrust into the limelight today when Stewie from the "Family Guy" was caught in the act with 2 of the "old woman who lived in the shoe's" daughters and Old Mother Hubbard's dog leash, in the pantry room, naked and singing "Gimme More."

As expected in most cartoon crimes, the details coming in are a bit sketchy.

A source close to the investigation, who would not go on record with his identity, has told police that although Stewie has had past problems with booze, he has had no prior documented sexual activity and commented, "I think his fingers are just too small to unpin his diapers to really get anything going." Police are still searching for a motive and plan to interview his former baby sitter, Britney Spears, as soon as she gets out of her own court hearing.

In somewhat related news, Ms. Spears has filed a police report charging that someone stole her three Aqua Dot necklaces when she baby sat the other night. There are no current leads.

on my radar: curses!

Hocus Smocus
Let's bring this rumor into focus! 'Dancing' Curse Strikes!

The latest, in a string of recent tragedies, has struck the "Dancing with the Stars" family. Once again it's the Osmond's taking the fall...(every pun intended); sadly, Marie's pops passed away. This comes on the heels of her collapse, Jane Seymoure's mother passing away, Jennifer Lopez having to go bedside for a family member and Gloria Estefan scrapping plans to be on the show for an ailing mother. So everybody is talking about there being a curse for those appearing on the show. Duh! No shit Sherlock! Of course there's a curse, they are on "DWTS" for crying out loud! If they weren't cursed their careers would have kept them as far away from the show as possible! DUH!

You want to talk curses, lets talk about the clothes they make them wear...Real curses, in my humble opinion, are more like: Harry Potter to Voldemort; that's some heavy cursing going on (with a hex or two to boot!)! Hang around a ship full of sailors- you'll hear curses galore.
You want a real curse, be born to Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards- that's some serious bad mojo and a life of therapy! Or Heidi marrying Spencer! As for "Dancing with the (falling)Stars", the current cast might cry"cursed" because: the Peach Pit shut down, depression struck, Dr Quinn quit doing house calls, Ginger called it quits (for a few years) or a flat tire ruined a race. Not one of these mishaps achieve a real cursed standard!

What viewers will be faced with shortly is the worst of all curses, a "Dancing" spin-off show!
They shoot spin-offs, don't they?

on my radar: croc-oh-die! flops

With this news coming in today, I'm certainly rethinking my belief in a god.

Crocs Shares Plummet on Results - AOL Money & Finance

Hallelujah! I was so sure that one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse was the invention of these shoes(along with Demi Moore giving birth to a soulless child, of course); their demise might just be the thing that makes me feel safe again! Could it have been that their indestructible rubber lost them repeat customers? Might the "garish shades of yuck" finally been found to only flatter clown apparel? The only thing that could have ever brought these shoes any lower in my eyes was if Britney might have been wearing them while waltzing into her local Malibu Starbucks and and lost one of them amongst the throng of the overzealous paparazzi and been handed it back by a TMZ reporter. That's pretty low!

I dub these things a "croc o' shitty taste!"