Sweet Little Lies

"tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies, tell me lies..."

There is no Santa! I have fought long and hard to believe, but I am throwing in the towel on the mythology of Father Christmas this year!

Once again my few wishes were unanswered (screw you Garth Brooks!)!

All I asked for were four simple gifts:

1. Patience to deal with all these stupid holiday shoppers
2. ESP
3. A high tolerance for alcohol and drunk friends
4. A vodka tonic with a lime

Yep. Only one showed up and that was a day late. And trust me, Santa didn't pour the puppy I was handed! That's what bartender friends are for!

Since I did not get ESP, all my "late" gifts to friends are comprised of 2 liter Diet Cokes, McDonald's gift certificates, Burger King cologne and BBQ cornnuts. It's the thought that counts, right?

Exactly!

A critical note: had the vodka tonic showed up earlier in the week, and then I was granted gift number three, gifts one and two would have easily fallen into line...but no Virgina, there was no VT until the day after Christmas!

Ode of the 2008 Seattle Sports fan

Yes it absolutely sucked to be a Seattle Sports fan and this clip helps put the year in perspective- painfully.

"I DON'T!!!"

"I don't!I don't!I don't!I don't!I don't!I don't!I don't!I don't!"


It may not matter what my rational, logical and sober mind thinks because I wouldn't be caught dead contemplating marriage vows, in an LA courthouse no less (Proposition 8 be damned), to Spencer Pratt (Hell-to-the-no to a bromance!) , but it apparently does matter to Heidi Blaire Montag.

I do think she heard me, even though in my mind there was must have been a simultaneous cacophony of screams aimed at TV's across North America as "Speidi" stumbled through their vows...almost, chanting, "I don't!"

Make no mistake, just because the Wolfman Spencer didn't go through with the vows doesn't make him decent- he's still a douche! That was all done just to get more air time.

Question: does Heidi own a TV and ever watch this damn show to see what Spencer does to everyone around her? Apparently not.

I do say, "well done!" to MTV for helping me keep off any holiday pounds that might have be created by eating all those damn holiday cookies and candy by playing that Montag-Pratt montage, with Jessica Simpson's, "I wanna love you forever" (gag) on "the after-hills". Whitney may be moving to "The City," but that little video took me straight to Puke City!

WWJT? (What Would Jared Throw?)

Perhaps the end of the world will be ushered in with a whimper instead of bang...
take that Keanu and "The Day the Earth Stood Still" fans (not like there were too many of you out there this weekend buying up tickets at your local Cinema Paradiso)!

Ever since the Cold War and Kennedy, atomic and nuclear weapons have been the instruments of mass destruction that constantly threaten the survival of man on Earth. Correct, there are occasional cases of very stupid people doing ridiculously dumb things that have hastened their way into the next realm, like getting a lap dance from Anna Nicole Smith during her heavier weight days or a priest who aimed to fly, bundled in balloons, but forgot to consider how to land, but by and large, most people's fears lie in wars being raged with deadly weapons and force.

So imagine ("and you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one") how calming it is to see that feuds are now being scaled back (perhaps a positive result of the economic down turn?) and waged with weapons of no-destruction: sandwiches and shoes.

In the past week there have been two separate assaults in Florida where the culprit was a subway sandwich and one highly publicized incident in Iraq where a certain world leader had shoes thrown at him.

I don't preach violence, but if one had to throw something at another, how much more peaceful of a protest can you wish for when the offending weapon is a tuna fish sandwich or a hush puppy (Naomi and Russell, you taking notes on this?)? Of course, it may not have the impact you'd like if you really were aiming to do some damage beyond mayo and mustard stains.

Death Be Not Proud

Ask not, oh mighty "Historical South", for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for Thee!

The "New South" is rising faster than you can say, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" Heck, Obama and a Democratic Senator both almost won in Georgia- if that doesn't cause the Mason-Dixon line some serious shrinkage, I don't know what will (besides more cold rainy weather)!

And in its wake crumbles the pillars of the "Old South".

Sweeping changes are coming: the glory days of the South, the "Dukes of Hazzard" lifestyle and clothing, Rebel flags waving across the state capitol building, UGA being ranked preseason #1 in college football, "English" spoken in a native-sounding tongue with a mouth full of marbles and the slight straining melody of "dueling banjos" faintly heard as background noise are about as good as gone as Dale Earnhardt Sr., bless his heart and NASCAR winnings!

Hip-Hop, high-rises, Donald Trump and clean porches are paving the way to the New South. Yes, clean porches I said!

Down yonder a ways from Atlanta, a tranquil little town known as Albany, a city that claims a share to the "Home of Ray Charles" fame, recently passed a law that makes it illegal to keep couches on your porch. Well "Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care 'cause my master went away" what is happening here? How un-Southern and insidious of a law is that? Why doesn't someone just burn down Atlanta, again, if they want to change the ways of the South?

Why not make moonshine sweet tea, "the table wine of the South" illegal and serve up latte's instead? A hound dog, a porch and a couch are staples of the South! Add a truck, gun rack, a shotgun wedding and Trisha Yearwood and you've got a hit country single!

Will they try to take away our "Billy Beer" next?

I say to the South, "gather ye rosebuds magnolias while ye may; old time is still a-flying; and the same flower city that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying!"

Hang on to your Lazee Boyz, sofas and BRQ-O-Loungers, Albany! Don't ditch the couch for modern trappings and pride; hold fast to those eye sore sofas!

You gotta fight, for your right, to blight!

The Curious Case of "Maverick"

Where have all the Mavericks gone? Two months ago there was a maverick on every street corner and newspaper headline; I couldn't string two sentences together without the pleasant sensation of "ma-ma-maverick" rolling over my tongue and between my lips, to then waif gingerly through the atmosphere until it reached the sweet lobes of an other's ears. A simple little shutter, a nervous giggle, upon reception of the word, let both the sender and recipient know, we both had been touched by a Maverick!

"Maverick" was to October 2008 what "Pet Rocks" were to a generation in the 70's. So where'd it go? There's been more transparency in how the governor planned to fill the Illinois Senate seat than visibility of the Maverick lately!

Come out, come out, where ever you are!

Now, nary can I find one to save my Maverick-less life! I couldn't even get a sip off of my drink, playing the "Maverick drinking game" last weekend; I ending up being the designated driver! Just two months ago, I was seeing sweet Jesus in the base of a lovely cool-watered porcelain toilet by 9PM when the game was played (that image of Jesus is currently for sale on ebay)!

Maverick, Maverick, wherefore art though Maverick?

I have attempted to fill the void with repeated viewings of "Maverick", the Jodie Foster version, but that shoe don't fit! "Top Gun" leaves me cold as Iceman, and I just don't care for Mark Cuban's version of the word, so I have let Dallas basketball play on without my eyeballs. In the illustrious words of Bonnie Tyler, "I'm holding out for a hero Maverick."

Perhaps if I am a good boy, Santa will fill my stocking with, "Tales of Beedle the Bard", a good moisturizer, "Annie Lennox's" Greatest Hits CD, and a Maverick.

George Lucas brought back the Jedi's, I want a return of the Mack Maverick!

Grammy's can you hear me?

Finally someone in Grammy land is listening!

Sorry lambs, no Grammy nods this year for Mariah "touch my body" Carey!
I couldn't be happier, and neither could Duffy, Adele, Leona, Sarah, Pink, or....Katy? Whats up with the cherry chapstick sneaking in and kissing the recording academy?

Every year about this time, I channel Terry McMillan, breath held until all the Grammy nominations are announced, and then I exhale; usually it's a sigh of disappointment, acknowledging that my favorite musicians have been overlooked for overwrought artists with huge publicity machines, but this year I am almost okay with the whole slate of nominees- almost.

A "no mention" for Mariah is almost as good as a nod for Annie Lennox- almost(and yes, to all you haters, 2 well placed nods to Madge makes me smile!).
While really enjoying many of the female nominations in pop, I do regret when one of my all-time favorite voices, Ms. Lennox, who is eligible to be nominated this year, is overlooked by someone who kissed a girl. Really? Perhaps this will give hope to Katie Holmes come Oscar nominations time or Heidi Montag Emmy time? No really, I kid!

I'm holding out for Tia Carrere ("Wayne's World, party on, Cassandra is so hot!") to kick ass and clean up in the Best Hawaiian Music Album!

I am NOT...Sasha Fierce

I'm Britney, bitch!

Yippee and welcome back Britter's!
It's official, today is the relaunch of Britney Spears, V3.0.

At the tender age of 27, (Happy B-day!), we have had the rare, and often times unwanted, intrusion of her personal struggles dumped into our TV viewing laps! During the span of a single year we've watched the warbling songbird go from sweet and sassy to cuckoo for cocoa nuts to dijonaisse, and become an auntie to boot!

No longer is she not a girl, not yet a woman...she's an institute!

Today is the international "Re-Love Britney Day"; catch her singing on Good Morning America, wish her a happy birthday by buying her new CD, "Circus", or donate an hour and a half of your busy schedule to really get to understanding her by viewing, "Britney- For the Record (sales)".

Share the love and help re-establish this emotional roller coaster onto the stability highway! Get on down with her on the "freeway of loving her...one more time!"


Admit it, you want to (oops)...do it again!