Wednesday, January 16, 2008

on my radar: Somewhere Over the Rambo


When Hollywood gives you lemon actors, America gets Rambo movies.
Aren't we tired of getting squeezed and screwed!

Catching the preview for yet another Sylvester Stallone movie, I experienced an "anesthesia awareness" moment; the sheer stupidity of "Rambo" (part "far too many") being produced caused me go numb, I couldn't move, yet I was feeling so much pain inside- could anyone hear my internal scream? I would rather watch the "Golden Girls" wrestle nude, in mud, or run a cheese grater over my shins, than be caught paying to see this movie! For the sake of "The English Patient" or "The Secret Lives of Others" (or "Fletch" for that matter), why is celluloid ever committed to a project with Sly's name attached? Couldn't Sally Struthers be fed for a week for the same cost of the making this movie? I'd rather see "Sally the Hut" fed than another xenophobic "Rambo" shoot'em up get made! "Mama's Family" plots are more intricate and intelligent than a Rambo script!

I used to be against waterboarding, but I'm rethinking that position with the stipulation that it only be used in extreme emergencies that would keep the US safe from terror attacks, and for the people who finance Sylvester Stallone movies, because really, unleashing another Stallone movie into theaters is a terrorist attack.

Possibly, while Congress is taking on the steroid/hgh issue with baseball players, Rep. Waxman could just lump Stallone (and 50 Cent and Mary J Blige) in with the others being call forth to testify, and force Stallone (why not make him the poster boy for what happens to people who use them drugs- that's scare me shitless!) to appear on Capitol Hill, far far away from the hills of Hollywood; by the time Stallone strings together enough monosyllabic words to form a lucid sentence, it would be 2009 or 2010 and no "Crouching Rambo, Hidden Asian" movie could be release because Stallone wasn't available to promote it! Brilliant!

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