Hussein says, "American football, I Want You!"

Saddam Hussein, fresh from his execution, hopes to play football for the Dallas Cowboy's next year! A startled, but excited mourner, upon seeing Saddam resurrected, asked the dictator what he planned to do next. Noting the continued failures of the Texas football team in post-league play, Hussein answered, "play American football; death hasn't ended the careers of Tupac, Elvis, or those Olsen Twins, so why should it stop me?" he asked. "Obviously Tony Romo shouldn't be the ball holder for field goal attempts, he said, after overcoming a few heavy coughs that were no doubt caused by a very sore throat. I think there could be a spot for me on that team, plus, if Terrell Owens stays (with the Cowboys), I won't be the most hated player in Dallas!"

Trump says, "she's a fat bitch!"

Certain to keep their feud in the headlines, Donald Trump sent Rosie a box of Slentrol, the recently FDA-approved weight loss drug for obese dogs. He was quoted as saying, "it's perfect for her, why didn't they just name it Rosientrol?"

Good War Hunting

The "thinking man's president" stuns the press core by easily explaining, in his native tongue of guffaws and gobbliegook, how increasing the number of troops in Iraq will help us win the war, with the simple belief that "i've made up so much of the war, why can't I make up this theory for success?"

Banish the Electoral College(even though admission standards are low)!

Watch the show and then vote for your favorite!

This is the niftiest thing since hanging-chads were discovered in Florida! Why can't our government take a page right out of NBC's playbook and hold auditions for the presidency?

Since we can't trust our votes at the ballot box, let's give them over to AT&T to be heard! Maybe I can download "Hail to the Chief" for my new ringtone!

And since we can't trust our own votes, let's enact term limits, too!

Oh yeah, since England did this reality-show idea already we could give them credit for helping found our government!!

Saving all my crap for you!

You can be sho' the devil ain't never gonna be caught wearing this!

Thank you Mizz Houston for airing out your dirttty laudry again! Thankfully, this time, we can pick and choose as to what we bring home...not like I'd want any of that junk in my trunk!

This sale must truly be the greatest love of all for your stylist! Now he/she can go back to dressing "Jason and the Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat" cast. These clothes should put to rest any rumors about Whitney being a lesbian, ain't no girl gonna go out in any of that shit and think she's gonna get laid by another woman; sadly, a man might find these things attractive (explains the whole Bobby Brown thing= lack of taste). I've never seen Oprah wear crap like this!

It just a shame to think that she'd been (not) paying to keep these things stored, does she plan to wear them again? Or does she lie around her house in this stuff? If she does, somebody ought to be call Child Protection for Bobbie Christina!!

Now I know why Baby (Bobbie Christina) cried the day the circus came to town- she was having flash backs!

The rattle of the cattle of a new year!

Like a moth to a flame, a lemming to a cliff, or Wacko Jacko to plastic surgery...

people migrate to January first with high hopes of new habits in hand.

And by January 21st, were back to being the "new" old Christine, only we might have also found ourselves a few pounds heavier and a gym membership poorer.

And so, with so much at stake...I proudly march forth from the pack to reveal my resolves...

1. Not to go along with the group

2. No sweets after midnight

3. Wipe my feet more often before breaking and entering (thanks CSI!)

4. Read more, but recall less (I think that's what I wrote...)

5. Do laundry more often

6. Fold clothes sooner

7. Dot my "i's" and cross my "t's"

8. Don't sweat the small stuff

9. Make no resolution until I mean it- and I'm serious about this one!

10. Have fun (and not always at others expense- I can chip in sarcasm for free)

Can this relationship workout?

The belt says "no", it's too heavy of a burden to bear!...(so is a 41-14 whooping from LSU!)

I wasn't sure if this was a character from the new Tim Burton live action film "The Webbles" or one severly strained belt crying out for help!

on my radar: american icons

Happy New Year!

Alas, it seems that 2007 is looking a lot like 2006 as we kick things off: Rosie and Trump are still at it; it must mean he's got a show to promote or a new casino to bankrupt; Britney, nothing more needs to be said about her since it can all be seen on film or "Youtube". My one question, when is the last time anyone (besides Liza Minelli) ended up "out" on the floor at a party because they "fell to sleep"? Let's hope at some point someone gives them all resolutions to be a bit less visible....which leads me to...

Over the weekend a couple icons were rolled out in front of the television viewing audience; one had no option, the other probably had no idea. How they were handled gets me to wondering, what becomes of a semi-legend most and how should we salute our icons as they age?

When your husband, a former US President passes away, it won't matter how bad off you are looking, you will be shown on TV! Bless that poor Betty Ford, who's getting along remarkable well for 88! She looked like she could crumble at any moment during Gerald's funeral processions- she probably walked more in these past couple days then she has in the past 2 years combined! Kudos' to those who kept her going! And for all that she did in her time; what I wouldn't do to see Laura Bush kick back a few drinks and be interviewed by Barbara Walters (just don't let her drive)!

On the other hand, dressing up Muhammad Ali and literally (golf) carting him onto the football field to kick off the Orange Bowl was a travesty, unless you are making an argument for why boxing shouldn't be allowed ("Rocky's" 2-6 are another good reason). I was hoping to call Lee Iacocca to see if he'd help fund another landmark restoration project! For being only 65, Ali was a sad sight to behold and it's arguable if he even knew what was going on...Betty Ford might have been able to KO him if they'd been together! Ali's legacy might be better served if these appearances were kept out of the media!

It just me shudder to think in 2050 they might be dragging Britney or Rosie out there...

Theme weddings to show you Car(ri)e.

What happens when tradition binds you to pay for something you don't support, like say, the guy your daughter wants to marry? How about expressing your thoughts through a theme wedding? Inspired by the book and ripped from the movie, "Carrie, The Wedding".

What guest won't know your true feeling when this delicious cake is brought out for the ceremonial cutting? You can just stand back and smile, in that Piper Laurie way that says, "yes she's crazy, and I know he's a devil spawn, but what can you do, shoot knives at them?"

And if your point is somehow lost in their marital bliss, want not, for you can also send them "dirty pillows" for their wedding gift!

on my radar: 2006

It's a week before Christmas, oh crap what to do?
(If I were in the Seattle Airport challenged by a Jew
I'd take down the trees and not get sued!)
But me, I'll procrastinate more whilst I consider 2006 in review.

Mel Gibson, hung over, caught on a Malibu road
He's not anti-Semitic, except for what the TMZ.com video told.
Michael Richards struggled with a few jeering heads,
Unleashing a racial tirade, helping confirm his career is dead.

Nancy Pelosi, brimming with good cheer,
Santa came early to her house this year.
On the TV there arose such a clatter,
I turned on "The View" to see what was the matter.

Britney with no panties, across the web she was flashed,
With, or without, K-Fed, she still acted like trash.
Even Linsey was in on this show,
All the world had been show their bare "objects below".

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,
Dick Cheney jumped out with his firing stick,
And shot off a few rounds at who must be St. Nick.

More rapid than nukes from North Korea troubles came,
All around the world more conflicts were named:
Thai coups, the middle east, Afghanistan all need fixing
Yet the headlines are dominated by Angelina, that vixen!

Ted Haggert fell and Rep. Mark Foley cried,
They both wanted Lance Bass, who told Reichen, "Bye, Bye, Bye"
Anna Nicole, now what's that girl to do?
A birth, death, and marriage all in a week, or was it two?

And then, in a twinkling, Madonna tried to adopt
Paperwork, protests, and legalese is where she got caught.
A bundle of e coli was spread through the land,
In spinach, lettuce, strawberries, and Taco Bell brands.

The next time I'm told to eat healthy I'll jeer,
"Why, do you want me to croak before next year?"

And so the year has come to an end; like Castro, Rumsfeld, Anniston and Vaughn,
Much of the news just made me yawn.
But I heard Bush exclaim as 2006 flew out of sight,
I'm staying in Iraq, and maybe in 2007 I'll get it right!

on my radar: christmas carol's

Ah, it's the most wonderful time of the year! Not yet December and I'm already sick of Christmas carols! As I was frantically reaching to twist the dial before another rendition of "White Christmas" could escape the woofers and tweeters, I found myself reinterpreting the lyrics to the classic, "Do they know it's Christmas?"...with a "current events" spin...

"It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid (unless you are an 88 year old woman in ATL or a groom-to-be in Queens, NYC).
At Christmas time, we let in Democrats yet Kerry's 2008 hopes fade
And with Iraq's bounty of oil, we can spread a smile of joy, as gas prices soar at Christmas time!

But say a prayer (cuz Britney's single again)
At Christmas time it's hard when your war has come undone
There's a world outside your window (for orphans being whisked from Malawi)
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of Falcon's fan tears
And the Christmas bells that ring are Kid Rock's wedding bell blues
Well tonight thank God it's Pamela Anderson instead of you!

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time (it's all in Seattle)
The greatest gift Iraqi's will gets this year is life
Where nothing ever grows (but our budget deficit)
No rain or rivers flow (except for in Seattle)
Do Borat's relatives celebrate Christmas time?

Here's to Clay raise a glass (and clean hand) for everyone
Here's to Kelly wondering where it's been
Does Rosie knows it's Christmas time at all?

Feed Nicole Richie
Feed the supermodels

Feed Nicole Richie
Let them know it's mealtime again!"

on my radar: oprah's favorite things

Just in time for the holidays!

Every year new behaviors emerge, some take hold, like expecting a crappy "big name musician" to sing Christmas carols and steal the 10 bucks that it costs to buy the sucker (if you haven't downloaded it already) or suing "Borat" and become traditions, but some just never get the foothold to become a tradition like "cranberries and stuffing" flavored soda to be served with thanksgiving dinner or Justin Guarini becoming a music star, and wither away after just one season.

Older-aged white woman everywhere, Michael Richards, and a few minorities (but not rap artists) mark the end of November as that most Oprah-rific tradition time of the year, when "The Lady O" dons the guise of all three wise-people and imparts the gift of expensive gift giving ideas (but no Hermes scarves!) to her audience around the globe.

This year, Gayle's missus even out did herself, rolling her favorite things episode with her book club recommendation into one crazy show..."Oprah's favorite book and gifts suggestions" show.

Oprah stunned the crowd when she not only announced her new book, but also introduced the author, live on TV, OJ Simpson and his psuedo-biography "If I did it"; "take that James Frey", OJ said a he entered the studio.

After gushing about how "imaginative" OJ must have been to write this book, Oprah introduced, and gave each member of the audience (no Goldman or Brown family member were able to claim prizes. If you can't receive the civil judgement award, why get Oprah's?) "her favorite things" as selected by OJ and featured in the book, such as:

Bruno Magli shoes
leather gloves that don't fit
bloodstained clothes
White Broncos
support letter from Michael Jackson
and some clumps of hair and blood stuck on a knife

When wrapping the show, OJ hinted that this was just the start of a book series he will be writing called..."If...." with future titles like, "If I shot Lincoln", " If I kidnapped the Lindberg baby", If I shot Jack Ruby", and most compelling "If I ran the Zoo" and "If I told the truth".

All featured items can be found on Oprah's website, "Giving OJ wings network".

on my radar: wonderbread

~Save the music, reject the whitebread~

There are countless things in life I don't get; if I had to keep track of them, I'd say I'm nearing the two thousand mark, give or take a few hundred. See, I look up stuff if I don't understand it and I read lots of nerdy things that helps me, more or less, keep my "finger on the pulse" of things, but then I spent several years at Backstreet and that wipes out some of my knowledge, and in a pinch, I make things up, which then may be catalogued as fact in my brain when it's really just a "Bush or Rumsfeld-ism", so when it's all said and done (phew) my math (old math- just fingers and toes) puts me somewhere near the 2,000 mark. Oh yeah, tangents can also distract me from fully counting up to the actual number of things I don't get...one thousand three hundred four, one thousand three hundred five, one thousand...LaLinsey just called Paris a what???!!! Damn, where was I?

See, I just get so damn distracted, but my point is, and I'll starting the counting over again...points 1 and 2 of things I just don't get...John Mayer and (gasp) The Dave Matthews Band (DMB- whatever). No need to defend them, their music pukes for itself.

They say Wonderbread has no value..."Save the Music, reject the whitebread".

on my radar: a fable

Her blood-red nails strummed rapidly against her expansive chin; powdered and overly made-up, her look created a reaction that encouraged others to stay away, thus creating yet another layer between her and the world around her. But what need did she really have for this world? It's not where she belonged; she resided here to find the acceptance she could never obtain from her own people and to defeat the nemesis that refused to be destroyed.

Thus she struggled to fit in: the surroundings, the industry, and chiefly, her skin. She was bothered this night and you could tell. Her glare could melt the flesh of another if she didn't break away her gaze. How tempted she was to unleash that power on the twit that just took her trophy. She felt the rumbling in her stomach; a hunger that had been fed a steady diet of gin and regrets all-night, tempered only by the bitter salty tears that she drank in to quench her thirst and quell her appetite. She was hungry for revenge- she didn't like people taking what she thought was rightfully hers.

With the commercial break over and the audience beckoning, she began the transformation, shifting her shape to fit the image they all still saw, the image she believed would get her the reward she sought, the Grammy. But the spell was breaking, more of her true self was showing, she hoped they'd all just chalk it up to weight gain... Ursula (queen of the world under the sea) once again transfigured into Mariah.

on my radar: the republican way

This week it appears the Democrats are scoring one of their "best weeks ever"; Republicans, not so much. If I may borrow from my sweet Celia, about the only Bush supporter who came out better on Wednesday was Britney Spears; not only did she fight against the Defense of Marriage Act, she now will only use UPS for her shipping needs, seeing how Kevin is now the Fed-ex (sorry Todd).

Other scuttlebutt to deal with since the elections: the White House will only be serving vodka (but none to Laura if she's in a driving mood, or the girls!) now that's there's no more Rummy.
The elections also put a few more (non-Congressional) people out of work, namely liberal comedians. The Daily News was considering switching to Rush Limbaugh (yet another sad attempt to become relevant, seeing how taking on Canadian's with disabilities didn't go over too well) but the honchos figured the Democrats will do enough stupid things to keep John Stewart busy and "Rush" really isn't one without his oxycotin supply (and no one can find that maid to get it filled for him).

And well hey, while talking about winning and losing contests, here's Faith Hill with her tips for losing gracefully while on camera....oops, wait, where'd she go?

on my radar: OEDIPUS RETCHES

Why does Alabama get such a bad rap?
Alabama teen charged with raping his mom

So few words are needed after seeing the headline...YUCK!!!

The key points to this story:
2 brothers are fighting over a girl.
One brother decides to get back at the other brother
He heads home to the trailer park
49 year old mom is passed out drunk on couch...
She wakes up
he's not done
she struggles
he finishes

police are called...

yuck...I need to go wash my typing fingers.

on my radar: pact with the devil

Assessing the landscape of current events and pop culture it appears that there is a new Dorian Grey in our midst's, or is it better to reference this person as the Faust of our day? He can, seemingly, do no wrong and yet everyone who has been around him and left his company, can do no right; one might become suspicious that the devil might be at play with this young'ens career (no, I'm not referring to the creator of Ugg's or a certain "adopted" Malawian child). Has Justin Timberlake sold his soul to the Prada wearing devil for a golden career?

Justin Timberlake seems impervious to misfortune: he's got a hit song and cd, has a hot $20 million-dollar babe of a girlfriend, has several movies coming out, a clothing line, and can even start imitating Wacko-Jacko and not be ridiculed!!! What gives?

Let's look at the facts, while he thrives, his ex's barely survive:

Britney, now with K-joke, enough said.
NSYNC? Where they go? Out of step I'd say.
Lance Bass: first he can't get a shuttle ride to the moon, now he's gay (not that there's anything wrong with it) and stuck with money/publicity hungry Reichen.
And let's not forget Janet (although much of the world appears to have...) On public TV he gets to second base with her and now she can't even get a hit. While Justin has the world singing "Sexyback", Janet's wishing someone would help get her career back.

So you tell me, is it all coincidence, or is there devil's play in God's country?

on my radar: shopping trips

Theologians across the country are watching the criminal proceedings in Utah this week, observing if further erosion of church versus state will occur in the Redd vs. Redd charges.

The accused, Julia and Leumel Redd, parents of the plaintiff, Julianna Redd-Myers, have been charged with the kidnapping of their daughter on the day before her wedding. Mrs. and Mr. Redd fooled Julianna into believing they were going shopping and instead kidnapped her and drove to Colorado in hopes of stopping her from marrying Perry Myers.

The Mormon family has cited freedom from criminal persecution under the division of church and state; they claim there is a little know verse in the book of Mormon that justifies their actions and thus they should be free from the criminal process. The passage, 'thou shall not do stupid things", as interpreted by the Redd's includes kidnapping of-legal age children to enforce their own will. Julianna, 21, capable of making her own decisions has also interpreted the verse and has pressed charges against her parents, stating, "I hope they will get help".

In unrelated news, George H. and Barbara Bush, noting the recent polls, have decided to make a surprise visit to Washington, DC. and visit their son George W.. They say they'd like to take him on a little shopping trip...

on my radar: wham's rap

Rep. Mark Foley denies having written any emails to George Michael. This comes after claims that George Michael was simply awaiting a text message back from Rep. Foley when he fell asleep at the wheel of his car, in a suburb of Northern London last evening; never mind the fact that this is the fourth occurrence of this erratic behavior in the past 8 months. Friends of George Michael secretly fear he is desperately trying to win the role of James Dean in an upcoming Hollywood biography, and thus continues to emulate scenes from Dean's last moments alive. Reality: no such movie is being made.

Regardless of the circumstances of these incidents, Mel Gibson has reached out to George Michael to find out what exactly he has been taking that allows him to go for a drive and then fall asleep before the police find him.

Note: it would have been way too easy to title this "George's friend urge him to wake up before he go-go's."

on my radar: spinach!

Farmer's who grow spinach have decided to repackage their product with a picture of Popeye stating the tag line, "what doesn't kill ya only makes you stronger". Dallas Cowboy's player Terrell Owens had been up for the spokesperson role, but seeing how doctors have just confirmed that his last night's dinner recipe was a spinach and ambient casserole, they have thought better of it. There's currently no proof that the casserole was made by none other than Donovan McNabb's mother; although an empty Chunky Soup label was found in the garbage can at T.O's home.

In other news, the Bush Administration has sent over tons of spinach to Venezuelan President Chavez's and to Fidel Castro, wishing them both good healthy and speedy recoveries