Long ago, in a decade far removed from this one, suave roamed the land. Suave was everywhere, it could be seen in Miami, Milan, NYC, LA, and Rome; but then one day, like TANG, the pet rock craze or Paulie Shore's popularity, it was gone. Silent tears were shed down the faces of linguists everywhere; teenage girls, confused with the marked similarity in names, threw themselves at Rico Suave believing him to be the new suave messiah. Alas, they were wrong (thank god). Where had all the suave gone? Some though it had just relocated into hair care products, but It was so much more than just a brand name shampoo! Suave was a lifestyle word gone awol! So where did it go? What happened to suave?
Police today discovered a bunker out behind Justin Timberlake's backyard. It seems suave was kidnapped somewhere in the early 90's and has been living off of Swanson frozen dinners and Jell-o packets ever since. As best the investigator's can tell, Justin has been plotting and scheming to bring sexy back (also lost for awhile after Rod Stewart's flame extinguished) since leaving the Mickey Mouse Club and Britney Spear's. And by taking suave out of the picture, nothing but bootylicous was gonna stop him
Well, sexy is back, but now that suave has been rescued, Justin's got one pissed suave ready to pounce! And don't be surprised if it shows up in a shopping center near you! Suave does what sexy does, for half the price!
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
on my radar: busted!
Rocked by yet another celebrity arrest, Hollywood is bracing itself for the purported secret-video tape and audio that were filmed during the Paris Hilton DUI pull-over last Wednesday night.
Suspecting the heiress to be under the influence, police administered a sobriety test. Upon placing the breath analyzer tube into Ms. Hilton's mouth she began to rant and rave about the shortcomings of her previous boyfriends. Police attempted to calm her down and get her to unclench her teeth from the tube, but she wouldn't relent. One of the officers at the scene said she looked just like she did in her home video "One Night in Paris", only more sober. Video tape (leaked onto the internet) shows the police finally resorting to force to get her to let go of the tube in her mouth; they sprayed her with water. Climbing on top of the hood of her vehicle, ala her Carl's Jr. hamburger commercial, Paris, drenched, finally spewed the tube from her glossy lips and started into a profanity-laced tirade.
The targets of her attacks were croc shoes and Mel Gibson movies. "Those damn bright red shoes remind me of a naked Linsey Lohan!" she shouted. "Croc's are a crock of fashion crap! No one sane would ever willingly wear them!" she huffed."And all of Mel Gibson's movies suck more than I even do, except for the "Mad Max" and "What Women Want", " she was also quoted as saying.
There have been some rumors that Nicole Richie was seeing driving by and waving to the police, snapping pictures of Paris in cuffs.
Lesson learned for a simple life: stars may be blind, but they best not drive drunk!
Suspecting the heiress to be under the influence, police administered a sobriety test. Upon placing the breath analyzer tube into Ms. Hilton's mouth she began to rant and rave about the shortcomings of her previous boyfriends. Police attempted to calm her down and get her to unclench her teeth from the tube, but she wouldn't relent. One of the officers at the scene said she looked just like she did in her home video "One Night in Paris", only more sober. Video tape (leaked onto the internet) shows the police finally resorting to force to get her to let go of the tube in her mouth; they sprayed her with water. Climbing on top of the hood of her vehicle, ala her Carl's Jr. hamburger commercial, Paris, drenched, finally spewed the tube from her glossy lips and started into a profanity-laced tirade.
The targets of her attacks were croc shoes and Mel Gibson movies. "Those damn bright red shoes remind me of a naked Linsey Lohan!" she shouted. "Croc's are a crock of fashion crap! No one sane would ever willingly wear them!" she huffed."And all of Mel Gibson's movies suck more than I even do, except for the "Mad Max" and "What Women Want", " she was also quoted as saying.
There have been some rumors that Nicole Richie was seeing driving by and waving to the police, snapping pictures of Paris in cuffs.
Lesson learned for a simple life: stars may be blind, but they best not drive drunk!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
on my radar: trade talks
After months of hush-hush negotiations, it appears a deal has been made to resolve the long standing debts of Michael Jackson. Joe and Katherine Jackson announced from their home today that they have just concluded a deal that would trade Michael Jackson, what's left of his music catalogue, and all his debt and legal issues to the Timberlake family in exchange for accepting Justin as their new son.
Rumors have been rampant about some sort of trade in the works; initially it was believed to be a Lance Bass for Michael swap until Reichen showed up on the scene. Insiders have noted that Justin's increasingly eclectic way of dressing, falsetto hitting notes, and tanned skin have made him a shoo-in for the trade. In fact, during Justin's latest photo shoot, in which he wore a hat and polka dotted cravat, many gawkers believed that, having finally achieved the skin bleaching success he has always desired, they were watching Michael, not Justin!
Katherine Jackson couldn't be more pleased, she said, "with Justin in our family, we'll have a new generation of screaming boys playing in our house!"
The only dissenting vote came from LaToya, who moped around, whining about "needing another bleaching and nose job to stay the whitest". Janet couldn't be immediately reached, but her press secretary said it does make the Super Bowl incident feel "a little more normal, now that Justin is family, we've always been tight-knit".
Jermaine is just happy that someone is finally bringing sexy back into the Jackson family!
Don't be surprised if the Cruise-Holmes child is next!
Rumors have been rampant about some sort of trade in the works; initially it was believed to be a Lance Bass for Michael swap until Reichen showed up on the scene. Insiders have noted that Justin's increasingly eclectic way of dressing, falsetto hitting notes, and tanned skin have made him a shoo-in for the trade. In fact, during Justin's latest photo shoot, in which he wore a hat and polka dotted cravat, many gawkers believed that, having finally achieved the skin bleaching success he has always desired, they were watching Michael, not Justin!
Katherine Jackson couldn't be more pleased, she said, "with Justin in our family, we'll have a new generation of screaming boys playing in our house!"
The only dissenting vote came from LaToya, who moped around, whining about "needing another bleaching and nose job to stay the whitest". Janet couldn't be immediately reached, but her press secretary said it does make the Super Bowl incident feel "a little more normal, now that Justin is family, we've always been tight-knit".
Jermaine is just happy that someone is finally bringing sexy back into the Jackson family!
Don't be surprised if the Cruise-Holmes child is next!
Thursday, August 24, 2006
on my radar: snacks on a plane
Do you suffer from any of the following maladies:
-the terror of stale peanut butter crackers and peanut allergies
-the immobilizing panic from broken Sunchips
-Biscoff packaging that can not be broken open by anyone over age 5
-anxiety over what will be left on the tray when the attendants get to row 45
If you said yes to any of the above conditions, then you most likely suffer from airline induced, "snacks on a plane" phobia.
Initially identified in the late 80's with seasoned business travelers, this increasingly diagnosed phobia appears to be striking virtually all airline passengers by 2006. Symptoms can include: growling stomachs, bitchy attitudes, light headedness, and frequent inquiries as to "are we almost there", "is there anything to eat", and "is that all" and the ever present concern of starving before reaching one's destination.
Currently, the only cure appears to be packing a non-liquid meal before you go, fasting in silence, driving your own happy-ass to wherever you need to go, or Samuel L. Jackson being on your flight and demanding to be brought "more m@!*%!f----- snacks on his m-*@-f----ing plane!"
-the terror of stale peanut butter crackers and peanut allergies
-the immobilizing panic from broken Sunchips
-Biscoff packaging that can not be broken open by anyone over age 5
-anxiety over what will be left on the tray when the attendants get to row 45
If you said yes to any of the above conditions, then you most likely suffer from airline induced, "snacks on a plane" phobia.
Initially identified in the late 80's with seasoned business travelers, this increasingly diagnosed phobia appears to be striking virtually all airline passengers by 2006. Symptoms can include: growling stomachs, bitchy attitudes, light headedness, and frequent inquiries as to "are we almost there", "is there anything to eat", and "is that all" and the ever present concern of starving before reaching one's destination.
Currently, the only cure appears to be packing a non-liquid meal before you go, fasting in silence, driving your own happy-ass to wherever you need to go, or Samuel L. Jackson being on your flight and demanding to be brought "more m@!*%!f----- snacks on his m-*@-f----ing plane!"
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
on my radar: drug testing
The International Federation of Political Performance Reviews (IFPPR) has reversed its earlier decision to not drug test US Sec.of State Condelezza Rice over her recent performance during the Middle East crisis. "This should not come as a surprise to anyone," Dr. Uri Taint'd said as he met with journalist earlier today. "Usually every major politician is tested when they perform within the arena of international politics; regardless of the outcome of their performance. Just because Ms. Rice has failed to make any significant improvement to the situation does not preclude her from being under the influence of (political) performance enhancing drugs," Mr. Taint'd said. President Bush has balked at the testing, stating, “Condi hasn’t done a single thing (to warrant testing)!” Recent US polls tend to support him on that assertion, with most American’s agreeing, “..she hasn’t done a single thing…”.
The last known, and uncontested, positive drug-test dates back into the early Sixties when during a stellar performance of pounding his shoe on the podium during a UN meeting, Mr. Khrushchev's blood was found to be way over the legal limit of political testosterone. Because of his failure to pass the drug-test and the mounting cold war between Russia and the US, the US was granted one political coup, which was quickly used less than a year later, during the Cuban Missile crisis, when the US successfully enforced an embargo of Cuba by Soviet ships.
The last known, and uncontested, positive drug-test dates back into the early Sixties when during a stellar performance of pounding his shoe on the podium during a UN meeting, Mr. Khrushchev's blood was found to be way over the legal limit of political testosterone. Because of his failure to pass the drug-test and the mounting cold war between Russia and the US, the US was granted one political coup, which was quickly used less than a year later, during the Cuban Missile crisis, when the US successfully enforced an embargo of Cuba by Soviet ships.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
on my radar: fashion
The devil may wear Prada, but does he look good in it?
Just because Prada makes a $350, non-waterproof, square cut swim suit, does it really mean it should be worn at every aquatic/sunbathing social function? Me thinks not! Or the southern equivalent: owning a cowboy hat is one thing, wearing it all the time is a no-no! And to combine the two “styles” into one look…Edith Head is rolling over in her grave! Thou shalt not dress with a “devil may care” attitude! Fashion waits for no one, she barely explains herself, and rarely does she fit!
There's a huge difference between owning fashion and knowing fashion! I see those Olsen twins on the sidelines of the catwalks all the time, but when they go walking about town wearing grannies handmade afghan blanket as a shawl, it don't make it right! And even if you stuck a Marc Jacobs label on it, thou shalt not make it vogue! Lil' Kim (or, more appropriately Mo'Kim) is a fixture at FashionWeek, but like trying to place a magnet onto enamel, fashion sense just don't stick to her- about the only thing that does are pasties and gangsters. She has pushed fashion backwards in the same way that Calista Flockhart pushes her chair away from a buffet.
So with all this turmoil about what the devil is wearing, just remember,” what looks good to one may not look good on another”…case in point alligator; so ugly in the wild, but so chic on a catwalk…
Just because Prada makes a $350, non-waterproof, square cut swim suit, does it really mean it should be worn at every aquatic/sunbathing social function? Me thinks not! Or the southern equivalent: owning a cowboy hat is one thing, wearing it all the time is a no-no! And to combine the two “styles” into one look…Edith Head is rolling over in her grave! Thou shalt not dress with a “devil may care” attitude! Fashion waits for no one, she barely explains herself, and rarely does she fit!
There's a huge difference between owning fashion and knowing fashion! I see those Olsen twins on the sidelines of the catwalks all the time, but when they go walking about town wearing grannies handmade afghan blanket as a shawl, it don't make it right! And even if you stuck a Marc Jacobs label on it, thou shalt not make it vogue! Lil' Kim (or, more appropriately Mo'Kim) is a fixture at FashionWeek, but like trying to place a magnet onto enamel, fashion sense just don't stick to her- about the only thing that does are pasties and gangsters. She has pushed fashion backwards in the same way that Calista Flockhart pushes her chair away from a buffet.
So with all this turmoil about what the devil is wearing, just remember,” what looks good to one may not look good on another”…case in point alligator; so ugly in the wild, but so chic on a catwalk…
Friday, July 28, 2006
on my radar: gossip
Today President Bush signed an agreement to create an investigative committee to look into the ongoing failure tabloid magazines to break really good gossip. 'We all hate them, but we all read them," he mumbled on his way to Camp Crawford, his playground away from the press and reality."I just don't get how all of a sudden Lance Bass is gay and no one was saying that before; this has really been tearing up Jenna's heart," Bush continued, "she(Jenna) was so into them during the "No String's Attached" days.
The President said, "It's not like we all didn't see the Star Jones thing a mile away, and when I'm not stuck watching the middle east reports, I've watched Oprah enough to know she's gonna say she ain't dating Gayle (we all know Condi is, though...), so that's not news, but where was the tabloid paparazzi when Lance is kissing and fighting with Reichen? Are they too busy filming "bad parent" Britney driving poorly or almost dropping the baby? Those shots are a dime a dozen these days..."
"I know how to eavesdrop on a nation and get away with it, laws be damned!" Mr.Bush concluded, "so why can't the National Enquirer or US Weekly figure it out! That's why I am creating this committee!" Once I get to the bottom of this, I'm going to invade Paris and take on the Tour De France!
The President said, "It's not like we all didn't see the Star Jones thing a mile away, and when I'm not stuck watching the middle east reports, I've watched Oprah enough to know she's gonna say she ain't dating Gayle (we all know Condi is, though...), so that's not news, but where was the tabloid paparazzi when Lance is kissing and fighting with Reichen? Are they too busy filming "bad parent" Britney driving poorly or almost dropping the baby? Those shots are a dime a dozen these days..."
"I know how to eavesdrop on a nation and get away with it, laws be damned!" Mr.Bush concluded, "so why can't the National Enquirer or US Weekly figure it out! That's why I am creating this committee!" Once I get to the bottom of this, I'm going to invade Paris and take on the Tour De France!
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
on my radar: drama queens
Carson Kressley: sashay aside.
Elton John: you’ve been demoted.
Tom Cruise: don’t bother.
Seems like there’s a new crop of drama queens on the scene and they’ve landed in the most unexpected place (besides the new edition of Merriam’s dictionary, along with unibrow and mouse potato for starters): major league sports. No, this ain’t your run of the mill whiner, this is classic grade “A” bad acting, injury faking, scene-stealing, and “dive” taking that can only be found in one place, but oh how common it is in this location, the soccer field. I finally know why a soccer field is dubbed a “pitch”, because once you step onto it, you are almost 100% likely to pitch a fit within the next 90 minutes of regulation play!
The last time I saw someone fake emotions as well as the soccer players faked injuries was when I was watching Michael Jackson kiss Lisa Marie on MTV (and trust me, no one bought that either!). Having just been exposed to World Cup play, I never realized how much acting goes into playing; you can’t get away with that in football (American, that is)! When’s the last time you saw a football player get loaded onto a stretcher only to jump back off it and get back into the game? It was downright amusing to see how these people worked the system to: slow the game, stop momentum, or just get a water break, by way of faking a foul.
Maybe I can try that at work sometime when I am afraid of missing a deadline. I can see it now, I’ll just crumple over and cry till I get an extension. If not, I could always headbutt the person and receive an extra “vacation day”. Good way of getting out of the work.
Other things I learned by watching World Cup: I need to take my clothes off more when I celebrate. Hugging men is okay if done in a sports arena. Tailgating ain’t nothing compared to what soccer fans do. Soccer’s one of the true sports where you have to be in-shape to play. They still have funny rules. Size doesn’t always matter (little countries can pull big upsets)!
Elton John: you’ve been demoted.
Tom Cruise: don’t bother.
Seems like there’s a new crop of drama queens on the scene and they’ve landed in the most unexpected place (besides the new edition of Merriam’s dictionary, along with unibrow and mouse potato for starters): major league sports. No, this ain’t your run of the mill whiner, this is classic grade “A” bad acting, injury faking, scene-stealing, and “dive” taking that can only be found in one place, but oh how common it is in this location, the soccer field. I finally know why a soccer field is dubbed a “pitch”, because once you step onto it, you are almost 100% likely to pitch a fit within the next 90 minutes of regulation play!
The last time I saw someone fake emotions as well as the soccer players faked injuries was when I was watching Michael Jackson kiss Lisa Marie on MTV (and trust me, no one bought that either!). Having just been exposed to World Cup play, I never realized how much acting goes into playing; you can’t get away with that in football (American, that is)! When’s the last time you saw a football player get loaded onto a stretcher only to jump back off it and get back into the game? It was downright amusing to see how these people worked the system to: slow the game, stop momentum, or just get a water break, by way of faking a foul.
Maybe I can try that at work sometime when I am afraid of missing a deadline. I can see it now, I’ll just crumple over and cry till I get an extension. If not, I could always headbutt the person and receive an extra “vacation day”. Good way of getting out of the work.
Other things I learned by watching World Cup: I need to take my clothes off more when I celebrate. Hugging men is okay if done in a sports arena. Tailgating ain’t nothing compared to what soccer fans do. Soccer’s one of the true sports where you have to be in-shape to play. They still have funny rules. Size doesn’t always matter (little countries can pull big upsets)!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Travel tips for Dallas Austin
Traveling tips for hitmaker Dallas Austin:
When traveling to Dubai to celebrate Naomi Campbell’s birthday in the United Arab Emirate’s skeikdom, remember that it’s Kate Moss who likes cocaine! And if you are dumb enough to travel with cocaine, and it’s not going to be given as a present, use it up before entering the country!
If you opt not to follow the directions offered above, pack a few extra clothes! One weekend “blow” out equals two months of jail time (minus a 4-year sentence when pardoned by the ruler).
When apologizing for being caught with cocaine in a foreign nation, realize that when you apologize and say, “I did not mean to break the rules of this country”, drugs are virtually illegal anywhere you might ever visit! And, it’s good to know that although you broke Dubai’s strict drug laws, possession also breaks the US drug laws…but I’m sure he knew that.
If you visit Pakistan with drugs, and get caught, and get thrown into jail, beware: you may wake up with a light bulb in your rectum (true story- not mine!).( Reuters) Updated: 4:40 a.m. ET July 3, 2006, MULTAN, Pakistan - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass light bulb in his anus. No telling how many people it took to screw it in…
If you visit North Korea, stay away from bomb jokes while going through security.( North Korea defends its missile tests and promises more to come, but U.S. officials tell CNN there are no signs that Pyongyang is preparing to launch another long-range Taepodong missile.
If you visit Russia, make sure your belly is clean if you meet with President Putin (he may try to kiss it) (MOSCOW, Russia (Reuters) -- Vladimir Putin's decision to stop a small boy as he walked through the Kremlin and kiss his stomach was prompted by a desire to "touch him like a kitten," the Russian president said on Thursday.
And just in general, don’t hang out with “freebird” Lil’ Kim (although jail time has certainly made “lil” somewhat of a misnomer). Your momma would tell you that much!
When traveling to Dubai to celebrate Naomi Campbell’s birthday in the United Arab Emirate’s skeikdom, remember that it’s Kate Moss who likes cocaine! And if you are dumb enough to travel with cocaine, and it’s not going to be given as a present, use it up before entering the country!
If you opt not to follow the directions offered above, pack a few extra clothes! One weekend “blow” out equals two months of jail time (minus a 4-year sentence when pardoned by the ruler).
When apologizing for being caught with cocaine in a foreign nation, realize that when you apologize and say, “I did not mean to break the rules of this country”, drugs are virtually illegal anywhere you might ever visit! And, it’s good to know that although you broke Dubai’s strict drug laws, possession also breaks the US drug laws…but I’m sure he knew that.
If you visit Pakistan with drugs, and get caught, and get thrown into jail, beware: you may wake up with a light bulb in your rectum (true story- not mine!).( Reuters) Updated: 4:40 a.m. ET July 3, 2006, MULTAN, Pakistan - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass light bulb in his anus. No telling how many people it took to screw it in…
If you visit North Korea, stay away from bomb jokes while going through security.( North Korea defends its missile tests and promises more to come, but U.S. officials tell CNN there are no signs that Pyongyang is preparing to launch another long-range Taepodong missile.
If you visit Russia, make sure your belly is clean if you meet with President Putin (he may try to kiss it) (MOSCOW, Russia (Reuters) -- Vladimir Putin's decision to stop a small boy as he walked through the Kremlin and kiss his stomach was prompted by a desire to "touch him like a kitten," the Russian president said on Thursday.
And just in general, don’t hang out with “freebird” Lil’ Kim (although jail time has certainly made “lil” somewhat of a misnomer). Your momma would tell you that much!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
on my radar: who's that girl?
The enigma of Britney:
Can she be that stupid? Doesn't she know better? Will she ever learn? Is a man's character ok because, "he's got a good heart"- even when he's proving to be an ass over and over?
Like any daytime soap opera, Britney continues to keep you guessing what she'll do, or say, next...it's just alluring enough to keep track of her, but you certainly don't want all the details! Skimming "US" or "People" while you wait in the grocery store line is sufficient reading and engagement of your thoughts while you wait, but god forbid you be caught buying the rag!
Maybe the real reason we seem to still pay (some) attention to her so called life is that she reminds of us of someone; her antics and mishaps touch close enough to home that she reflects what we see in her to that person we know; the one that baffles us as to how they can still be breathing and functioning (and chomping down on that gum!). She's past "our" point of help, but you still watch, wondering if she's going to get it right and pull herself together (and NOT drop the baby!). And yet she just doesn't get it...she acts like she's still in high school, but she's an adult (with a child; best momma plans now for therapy later!)!
And slowly we lose faith(?) and interest in her; you realize money can buy a lot, but it can't buy what she so desperately needs most, "common sense and maturity".
But like she says (while driving with a baby in her lap)..."we do things this way, we're from the South"...and the whole South collectively shudders..."...one more time".
Can she be that stupid? Doesn't she know better? Will she ever learn? Is a man's character ok because, "he's got a good heart"- even when he's proving to be an ass over and over?
Like any daytime soap opera, Britney continues to keep you guessing what she'll do, or say, next...it's just alluring enough to keep track of her, but you certainly don't want all the details! Skimming "US" or "People" while you wait in the grocery store line is sufficient reading and engagement of your thoughts while you wait, but god forbid you be caught buying the rag!
Maybe the real reason we seem to still pay (some) attention to her so called life is that she reminds of us of someone; her antics and mishaps touch close enough to home that she reflects what we see in her to that person we know; the one that baffles us as to how they can still be breathing and functioning (and chomping down on that gum!). She's past "our" point of help, but you still watch, wondering if she's going to get it right and pull herself together (and NOT drop the baby!). And yet she just doesn't get it...she acts like she's still in high school, but she's an adult (with a child; best momma plans now for therapy later!)!
And slowly we lose faith(?) and interest in her; you realize money can buy a lot, but it can't buy what she so desperately needs most, "common sense and maturity".
But like she says (while driving with a baby in her lap)..."we do things this way, we're from the South"...and the whole South collectively shudders..."...one more time".
Thursday, June 15, 2006
on my radar: hannah and her walnuts
The 50 foot woman attacks a 40 foot walnut tree and everybody wins!
Darryl Hannah, direly seeking a hit film, or ounce of publicity, makes a “Splash” as an eco-activist (or more literally, a tree-hugger) in L.A..
Development, once again, has threatened an “urban garden” in the City of Angels (and devils); to protest against the planned destruction, Ms. Hannah deftly climbed into a walnut tree located on the said property and refused to be ‘toppled’ down until she finished her Starbuck’s latte.
Police, fearing another bad rap for how they have handled criminals, agreed to allow Ms. Hannah’s hair and makeup people to attend to her, prior to her arrest. Unique to the rest of the world, but old hat to folks in L.A. was the ability for the semi-star to submit her own glamour shot for her police mug shot. Additionally, her agent was on-hand, “just incase anyone wanted to drop off scripts to the actress”. Her handcuffs will be available on Ebay as a collector’s item shortly.
Of course, this all begs the question, “if a bad actress falls out of a walnut tree and no press is there to capture the footage, does anyone really care?”
Sadly, we will never know
Darryl Hannah, direly seeking a hit film, or ounce of publicity, makes a “Splash” as an eco-activist (or more literally, a tree-hugger) in L.A..
Development, once again, has threatened an “urban garden” in the City of Angels (and devils); to protest against the planned destruction, Ms. Hannah deftly climbed into a walnut tree located on the said property and refused to be ‘toppled’ down until she finished her Starbuck’s latte.
Police, fearing another bad rap for how they have handled criminals, agreed to allow Ms. Hannah’s hair and makeup people to attend to her, prior to her arrest. Unique to the rest of the world, but old hat to folks in L.A. was the ability for the semi-star to submit her own glamour shot for her police mug shot. Additionally, her agent was on-hand, “just incase anyone wanted to drop off scripts to the actress”. Her handcuffs will be available on Ebay as a collector’s item shortly.
Of course, this all begs the question, “if a bad actress falls out of a walnut tree and no press is there to capture the footage, does anyone really care?”
Sadly, we will never know
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
on my radar: hurricane season
Hurricane Season: Does this refer to:
A) Carolina’s Hurricane’s going for the Stanley Cup?
B) Fans of U of Miami cheering on football’s spring training?
C) Something FEMA dreads?
D) Something to do with something not sports or weather related.
E) Happy Hour in New Orleans
The answer is C.
While the rest of the world was basking in the glow of the golden child (Shiloh Pitt) or rooting for their World Cup team, something snuck up the west coast of Florida. No, it’s not Katherine Harris in a new makeover, it Alberto, the first named storm of the 2006 season! This is what puzzles me more than the career of Lindsay Lohan; after such a nasty season last year, hasn't anyone learned how to better predict storms? How does a storm go from not even being called a storm (just a depression- how sad!) yesterday to a virtual hurricane less than 24 hours later? The folks at the Weather Channel seriously doubted that the depression would even reach storm status yesterday…now they are flying the red flags.
Wouldn't it be nice if all of our jobs allowed for the same type of variance when it comes to getting our work done accurately: the realtor who sells you a small condo when you have five kids, the doctor who amputates the whole finger to get at that nasty hang nail, the maintenance man who claims the hotel hot tub was just cleaned and you find a hairball in the drain, or the florist who sends the wrong flowers to wrong address. Why do we have to be so exact? Why don’t they? Is their pay on a sliding-scale based on accuracy?
I've always loved meteors, maybe I should look into becoming a meteorologist!
A) Carolina’s Hurricane’s going for the Stanley Cup?
B) Fans of U of Miami cheering on football’s spring training?
C) Something FEMA dreads?
D) Something to do with something not sports or weather related.
E) Happy Hour in New Orleans
The answer is C.
While the rest of the world was basking in the glow of the golden child (Shiloh Pitt) or rooting for their World Cup team, something snuck up the west coast of Florida. No, it’s not Katherine Harris in a new makeover, it Alberto, the first named storm of the 2006 season! This is what puzzles me more than the career of Lindsay Lohan; after such a nasty season last year, hasn't anyone learned how to better predict storms? How does a storm go from not even being called a storm (just a depression- how sad!) yesterday to a virtual hurricane less than 24 hours later? The folks at the Weather Channel seriously doubted that the depression would even reach storm status yesterday…now they are flying the red flags.
Wouldn't it be nice if all of our jobs allowed for the same type of variance when it comes to getting our work done accurately: the realtor who sells you a small condo when you have five kids, the doctor who amputates the whole finger to get at that nasty hang nail, the maintenance man who claims the hotel hot tub was just cleaned and you find a hairball in the drain, or the florist who sends the wrong flowers to wrong address. Why do we have to be so exact? Why don’t they? Is their pay on a sliding-scale based on accuracy?
I've always loved meteors, maybe I should look into becoming a meteorologist!
Thursday, June 01, 2006
on my radar: ancient ruins
Archeologist are celebrating the discovery of the remains of what appears to be a 3000 year old Roman noblewoman.
Funny, last night I was able to simply turn on CNN and discover the remains of two people who out date the Roman find: Larry King and Elizabeth Taylor. Geologist have confirmed that Larry King is in fact still alive and not related to an ancient dinosaur known as "a relevant reporter". Oprah Winfrey has been rumored to have taken a hit out on the old fella, claiming he is cutting into her main demographics, hip-hop artists and elderly white women. Oprah was quoted as saying, "something has got to give, and up to now, it has been his seven wives...and his memory". Ms. Taylor on the other hand (and some 15 marriages between the two) was confirmed by the American Gemologist Association (and Tom Shane) to be "as old as her Hope Diamond, and just as sparkling!"
It was sad to note that during their interview Larry King made it known that he had no idea what a tiara was (does he even know where he is???). I guess that means he's going to have to start watching Anderson Cooper!
Funny, last night I was able to simply turn on CNN and discover the remains of two people who out date the Roman find: Larry King and Elizabeth Taylor. Geologist have confirmed that Larry King is in fact still alive and not related to an ancient dinosaur known as "a relevant reporter". Oprah Winfrey has been rumored to have taken a hit out on the old fella, claiming he is cutting into her main demographics, hip-hop artists and elderly white women. Oprah was quoted as saying, "something has got to give, and up to now, it has been his seven wives...and his memory". Ms. Taylor on the other hand (and some 15 marriages between the two) was confirmed by the American Gemologist Association (and Tom Shane) to be "as old as her Hope Diamond, and just as sparkling!"
It was sad to note that during their interview Larry King made it known that he had no idea what a tiara was (does he even know where he is???). I guess that means he's going to have to start watching Anderson Cooper!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
on my radar: nobel oprah?
There is a push to get Ms. Winfrey the 2006 Nobel Prize for Peace.
That's nice and everything, but unless she can film the ceremony for a TV special, to be aired at a later date, on ABC, and NOT be bumped for a presidential speech, I don't think it will be a go. Would Halle Berry star as Oprah?
She could invite musical guests (and past nominee's) Bono and Bob Geldoff to serenade her, but don't think for a moment that Fiddy cent, Ice Cube, or Ludarcis will be there in the audience- those seats will be saved for the, "rich white older ladies that she caters to.." or so the latest hip-hop rumor goes. And actually, it'd be Rachel Ray who'd do the catering.
The real question is, does Oprah deserve it? Kristie Alley, live from her newly remodeled home (and Jenny Craig body) says yes! All those folks who have driven away in new car say yes! Dr. Phil says, "now wait just a minute...err, Yes!" Infact, outside of hip-hop stars, Texas beef cattlers, and Hermes employees, all the world says yes! Get off the couch Tom, we see you support her.
Screw "The Color Purple" Tony nominations, just give Oprah the Nobel Peace Prize!
That's nice and everything, but unless she can film the ceremony for a TV special, to be aired at a later date, on ABC, and NOT be bumped for a presidential speech, I don't think it will be a go. Would Halle Berry star as Oprah?
She could invite musical guests (and past nominee's) Bono and Bob Geldoff to serenade her, but don't think for a moment that Fiddy cent, Ice Cube, or Ludarcis will be there in the audience- those seats will be saved for the, "rich white older ladies that she caters to.." or so the latest hip-hop rumor goes. And actually, it'd be Rachel Ray who'd do the catering.
The real question is, does Oprah deserve it? Kristie Alley, live from her newly remodeled home (and Jenny Craig body) says yes! All those folks who have driven away in new car say yes! Dr. Phil says, "now wait just a minute...err, Yes!" Infact, outside of hip-hop stars, Texas beef cattlers, and Hermes employees, all the world says yes! Get off the couch Tom, we see you support her.
Screw "The Color Purple" Tony nominations, just give Oprah the Nobel Peace Prize!
Friday, May 12, 2006
on my radar: keith richards
It's taken a coconut tree to do what no other drug has been able to do: slow Keith Richards down.
The Rolling Stones deny that Richards has suffered any brain damage from his fall. True, I am sure it all happened years before he fell out of the coconut tree. While he is under doctors care, and legal medication (for once), I hope they search to find out what has grown in in the place of his kidney and liver; those organs took a hike a long time ago.
There's no truth to the rumor that during his physical doctors help sedate him by diluting his IV with Jack Daniel's; it was definitely tequila. Doctors did discover the Nelson twins residing in his hair when they were finally able to wash and run a comb through Keith's mangy mane.
Ozzie and Harriet can now rest at ease knowing their grandchildren have been found.
The Rolling Stones deny that Richards has suffered any brain damage from his fall. True, I am sure it all happened years before he fell out of the coconut tree. While he is under doctors care, and legal medication (for once), I hope they search to find out what has grown in in the place of his kidney and liver; those organs took a hike a long time ago.
There's no truth to the rumor that during his physical doctors help sedate him by diluting his IV with Jack Daniel's; it was definitely tequila. Doctors did discover the Nelson twins residing in his hair when they were finally able to wash and run a comb through Keith's mangy mane.
Ozzie and Harriet can now rest at ease knowing their grandchildren have been found.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
bird flu plans
The government is looking out for you when it comes to bird flu; yes, this is the same government that has you covered when disasters happen, so, I feel about as safe and secure as a Mississippi homeowner who lived in the path of Katrina…and is still waiting on assistance.
It is interesting to note that FEMA, the department that is supposed to plan for and react in emergencies, was not the agency that developed the bird flu guidelines. What are they doing these days, trying to hang the ‘Mission Accomplished” banner across the Gulf States?
Regardless, Georgie wants you safe, and so he’s doing something about it! His first efforts to stave off the avian flu are to reduce the number of birds in America; all condors, spotted owls, and bald eagles are off the endangered species list. Additionally, because influenza is so high communicable, he will no longer allow birds to be show in theaters or on television; Daffy Duck, Foghorn Leghorn, Tweety, and Big Bird have all been quarantined till further notice. Government watchdog groups have are also keeping an eye out to see if “W” tries to erase any historical/political references to Dan Quayle’s bungled service under his fathers time in office.
Finally, it is to be noted that the president “really wants the Republicans to win” in the Fall elections or else he will become a lame duck president and be more susceptible to catching the flu.
In related news, the president’s approval ratings have gotten so low that now more people are willing to catch the bird flu than those who approve of the presidents job performance (Laura wasn’t polled).
It is interesting to note that FEMA, the department that is supposed to plan for and react in emergencies, was not the agency that developed the bird flu guidelines. What are they doing these days, trying to hang the ‘Mission Accomplished” banner across the Gulf States?
Regardless, Georgie wants you safe, and so he’s doing something about it! His first efforts to stave off the avian flu are to reduce the number of birds in America; all condors, spotted owls, and bald eagles are off the endangered species list. Additionally, because influenza is so high communicable, he will no longer allow birds to be show in theaters or on television; Daffy Duck, Foghorn Leghorn, Tweety, and Big Bird have all been quarantined till further notice. Government watchdog groups have are also keeping an eye out to see if “W” tries to erase any historical/political references to Dan Quayle’s bungled service under his fathers time in office.
Finally, it is to be noted that the president “really wants the Republicans to win” in the Fall elections or else he will become a lame duck president and be more susceptible to catching the flu.
In related news, the president’s approval ratings have gotten so low that now more people are willing to catch the bird flu than those who approve of the presidents job performance (Laura wasn’t polled).
Friday, April 21, 2006
Can this marriage be saved?
I’m going to bat and I’m using the Defense of Marriage Act as my weapon of choice.
The Bush Administration has to stay together! The Republicans keep fighting to make it harder to get out (or in) of a union, so why not apply that stringency to their own alliance? Why can’t we force the team that’s now got a 33% approval ratings to stick it out? Why are we letting Scott McClelland just cut bait and run? Why not put Brownie back on the dole?
The White House shake-up is ruining the lives of millions (or already has….); think of the children! How many kids are straddling that thin line between life and death; worried about what their two daddy’s and one mommy are going to do (talk about Big Love!)? No fears troops, Pops Rumsfeld and Ma Rice are still hanging with the main “W” homey! For now…
Donny Rumsfeld should be moved in to shore up the press and keep an eye on just who gets journalist credentials. What’s up with Paula Abdul going all postal on Bush and Hu Jintao at the big Chinese greeting yesterday? She had to be off her meds to mistake them stiff suits for Randy and Simon! She sure looked crazy and sounded like she was speaking in tongues; see what working next to Simon can do to you!
Oh, for extra credit, could Laura (or Jenna or Barbara just for kicks) please explain the difference between Taiwan and China to someone at the White House before the next egg roll on the front lawn?
Anyhow, these Republican’s need to keep it together…it’s so much easier to hit a moving (faltering?) target when it’s bigger!
The Bush Administration has to stay together! The Republicans keep fighting to make it harder to get out (or in) of a union, so why not apply that stringency to their own alliance? Why can’t we force the team that’s now got a 33% approval ratings to stick it out? Why are we letting Scott McClelland just cut bait and run? Why not put Brownie back on the dole?
The White House shake-up is ruining the lives of millions (or already has….); think of the children! How many kids are straddling that thin line between life and death; worried about what their two daddy’s and one mommy are going to do (talk about Big Love!)? No fears troops, Pops Rumsfeld and Ma Rice are still hanging with the main “W” homey! For now…
Donny Rumsfeld should be moved in to shore up the press and keep an eye on just who gets journalist credentials. What’s up with Paula Abdul going all postal on Bush and Hu Jintao at the big Chinese greeting yesterday? She had to be off her meds to mistake them stiff suits for Randy and Simon! She sure looked crazy and sounded like she was speaking in tongues; see what working next to Simon can do to you!
Oh, for extra credit, could Laura (or Jenna or Barbara just for kicks) please explain the difference between Taiwan and China to someone at the White House before the next egg roll on the front lawn?
Anyhow, these Republican’s need to keep it together…it’s so much easier to hit a moving (faltering?) target when it’s bigger!
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
on my radar: katie!
Katie Couric is everywhere.
The Homeland Security head even debated raising the threat level to a red at the announcement of Katie’s departure from NBC. “Initial fears that Bryant Gumbel would return to replace her made us briefly consider bringing out the National Guard”, Chertoff was quoted.
In related news, Iran has confirmed it’s capabilities of creating low-grade nuclear energy. Their minister of defense claims that (Iran) is acting within its rights as a sovereign nation to protect itself against the perceived threats from the influences of western culture, namely, Katie Couric. “If you (the US) can’t contain her to early morning TV, why should Iran have to fear for its nightly news?” the Ayatollah asked.
And in other related news, sadly, the White House continues to claim “it never saw this coming, and we know wire tapping!”
The Homeland Security head even debated raising the threat level to a red at the announcement of Katie’s departure from NBC. “Initial fears that Bryant Gumbel would return to replace her made us briefly consider bringing out the National Guard”, Chertoff was quoted.
In related news, Iran has confirmed it’s capabilities of creating low-grade nuclear energy. Their minister of defense claims that (Iran) is acting within its rights as a sovereign nation to protect itself against the perceived threats from the influences of western culture, namely, Katie Couric. “If you (the US) can’t contain her to early morning TV, why should Iran have to fear for its nightly news?” the Ayatollah asked.
And in other related news, sadly, the White House continues to claim “it never saw this coming, and we know wire tapping!”
Thursday, March 30, 2006
on my radar: March Madness
Underachievers and slackers alike bemoan March Madness, version 2006.
For those who have never really amounted to much, the NCAA “dance” allows them to feel like an athlete for 3 weeks without the slightest of efforts. It’s their chance to shine, but not sweat. It’s that month of glory that enables geeks to say, ‘I too can read a sports page and act like I know sports and put a bracket together.”
With the right guesses and ample bottles of beer in the fridge, millions of has-beens can once again feel like a winner without ever having to heed the urge to aim higher, run faster, or go further; all these weekend warriors need is just a little luck (much like the George Mason Patriots). The only irony here is that the little team that could (the George Mason Patriots) has wiped out virtually everybody’s brackets, and now, for all those couch potatoes who dreamt that their bracket choices could turn them into the “3-6-Mafia” of March Madness, instead finds themselves in the shoes of Dolly Parton- a shoo-in as a winner, yet nothing to show for it!
For those who have never really amounted to much, the NCAA “dance” allows them to feel like an athlete for 3 weeks without the slightest of efforts. It’s their chance to shine, but not sweat. It’s that month of glory that enables geeks to say, ‘I too can read a sports page and act like I know sports and put a bracket together.”
With the right guesses and ample bottles of beer in the fridge, millions of has-beens can once again feel like a winner without ever having to heed the urge to aim higher, run faster, or go further; all these weekend warriors need is just a little luck (much like the George Mason Patriots). The only irony here is that the little team that could (the George Mason Patriots) has wiped out virtually everybody’s brackets, and now, for all those couch potatoes who dreamt that their bracket choices could turn them into the “3-6-Mafia” of March Madness, instead finds themselves in the shoes of Dolly Parton- a shoo-in as a winner, yet nothing to show for it!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
My Coke Rewards
Curiosity got the best of me...
If you've been watching March Madness, Coca-Cola has been running ads for their website that links you to "coke rewards". This website, "mycokerewards.com", permits loyal buyers to go and see if they have won instant prizes hidden under the caps of their soda.
When I went to "mycokerewards.com", this is what I found:
The grand prize links you to an ebay account where John Delorean is selling one of his automobiles.
Runner-up prizes include:
1. A copy of Kate Moss's cancelled modeling contracts
2. A signed bankruptcy fore closure notice from Tom Sizemore
3. A list of all of Robert Downey Jr.'s movie credits (two from "Less Than Zero"!)
4. Boy George's frock with "surprise baggies in the pockets"
5. A roster of the NBA and each players police report, courtesy of "thesmokinggun.com"
6. A glass pipe with Whitney Houston's lipstick streaked on it
7. A bloody Kleenex from Axl Rose
Ah, these rewards are "the real thing!"
If you've been watching March Madness, Coca-Cola has been running ads for their website that links you to "coke rewards". This website, "mycokerewards.com", permits loyal buyers to go and see if they have won instant prizes hidden under the caps of their soda.
When I went to "mycokerewards.com", this is what I found:
The grand prize links you to an ebay account where John Delorean is selling one of his automobiles.
Runner-up prizes include:
1. A copy of Kate Moss's cancelled modeling contracts
2. A signed bankruptcy fore closure notice from Tom Sizemore
3. A list of all of Robert Downey Jr.'s movie credits (two from "Less Than Zero"!)
4. Boy George's frock with "surprise baggies in the pockets"
5. A roster of the NBA and each players police report, courtesy of "thesmokinggun.com"
6. A glass pipe with Whitney Houston's lipstick streaked on it
7. A bloody Kleenex from Axl Rose
Ah, these rewards are "the real thing!"
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