How to bomb without really trying

Step aside Jack Bauer, terrorism has new hero and it's no one currently on "Heroes"; it's the Boston Police! Back off CTU, this threat won't be seen on any broadcast channel, it has "made for cable-TV" written all over it (Cartoon Network specifically)! Boston upped their forces and eradicated all the evil that Mojo Jojo and the other enemies of Townsville threw at them today! So, maybe the "evil devices" were just a few electronic light boards, but who's to say that they didn't flash negative images, like "don't watch Spongebob?"

Better yet, who could have guessed that a marketing promo for "Adult Swim" would end up shutting down bridges and tunnels around Boston today? I don't think Ted did! Where are the Power Puff Girls, and a good PR person, when you need to do some explaining, quickly? I bet if Scooby was on the scene this never would have happened!

If we are lucky, as a form of apology, Turner Broadcasting will keep Nancy Grace off the air for a week! We can only hope...

A boy and a horse

While the sports world puts one horse down, another rises in the entertainment industry.

Parents of "Harry Potter-loving children" are complaining about new photos, of Daniel Radcliffe and a horse, that have been made public for the promotion of the play, "Equus." The story of a boy and his horse (and a certain element of bestiality) apparently doesn't sit well with those whose children prefer to imagine Mr. Radcliffe as the spell-inducing Hogwart's teenager. This becomes somewhat ironic when there are the parents who don't like their kids getting "seduced into the occult" by reading Harry Potter books and protest them; now it's the parent who defend the books, who use the "it's not real" claim, have somehow forgotten that same logic when protesting the play and its marketing!

Seems to me you can't have it both ways, or is that just a horse of a different color?

They shoot horses, don't they?

"Recording Artist and Grammy Award winner Mariah Carey was put down today after complications from her gruesome breakdown last year after the Grammy ceremony, ending a multi-year ordeal that prompted millions of fans to endure high-pitched wails and crappy movie appearances from the once well-regarded diva. The fans just reached a point where it was going to be too difficult for them to bear witness to her next publicity stumble (Playboy magazine) without pain, anguish and needless suffering. Although the action comes a few years too late to some ex-Carey fans (who felt that the music video of her fighting herself was a new low point) at least they know now that they can rest in peace and that Mariah won't have to deal with the whole "Jenny Craig, Trimspa, and happy being as large as Aretha Franklin" stages of her life.

The news did come as a shock to fans who believed that "Mimi" was on top of her game and "back"...well, that's what many thought about Barbaro, too.

So, to both those horses, a fond adieu!

We will not forget about you,

Especially when scrap booking and reach for the "Elmer's Glue."

Sticks and Stones

While the controversies over the use of the "n" and the "f" words continue to gain mainstream press coverage, apparently, there are a few other offenses that are being dished out; did you miss them?

A commercial being shot for the SuperBowl was scrapped after people complained about the content; apparently, the use of K-Fed as a fast-food employee was perceived as such a slam against the thousands of those who actually make a living in the industry, that the ad has been killed. When your image becomes so synonymous with "loser" that people balk at you depicting them, that's got to hurt! I wonder if K-Fed could get away with being cast as a car dealer?

But what's even crueler is the following:

"A Fox News spokeswoman, Irena Briganti, said CNN was mainly looking for publicity in attacking its higher-rated rival. Of Mr. Cooper’s comment, she said, “Yet another cry for attention by the Paris Hilton of television news, Anderson Cooper.”

OUCH!!!

Atlanta* has a whorehouse in it!

Atlanta has a whorehouse in it, lord have mercy on our souls!

I'll be damned if we can't buy booze on Sunday, but we can rassle up some loving on the Sabbath!

The Sugarloaf Madame should have kept a quieter henhouse and all would have been fine, but noise, parties, and men coming and going (no pun...) at all hours drove the 'hood to complaining.

She says there was "nothing dirty going on", maybe not dirty, but Naughty Nikki was serving up something to afford that million-dollar mansion and I have a feeling it was more than just her scrambled eggs!

Loosen our bible belt and the pants fall down!

*Gwinnett to be exact.

Cruise on a Cross

To each generation, a religion is born, one that will gradually lay a claim of Supremacy to all others. The Christians have been hanging tough for a few centuries, but watch out, the Scientologist are trying to make a move towards the front of the herd, and they've made Tom Cruise the Grand Marshall of the UFO-themed parade. Correction, they've elevated him to the "Christ-like" figure of the L Ron Hubbardites. The Jews served up Jesus on a cross, the Muslims won't show us Muhammad and Jenna Elfman and Kristie Alley promote "Maverick" on a stick! If there is a sign of an impending Armageddon, this might be it! Apparently, it was just a simple misinterpretation of a "world war" being nascent to the end of times, with Cruise's crappy "War of the Worlds" signaling the demise of mankind. Oops! Yo Moses! You say "Reed Sea", people misinterpret it as "Red Sea".

Can you imagine what people will think centuries from now when they view the "body of Tom's work" in reverence to his "deitiness"? "I never noticed the hidden meaning of life in "Legends," or how was I to know that "Risky Business" was a theological masterpiece masquerading as a comedy?" Was Mimi Rodgers Mary Magdalene or was that Nicole Kidman? Is Oprah a modern day Judas, betraying Mr. Cruise with a couch? So many questions maybe I should call my local Scientology branch for some answers!

Funny, while Delta aims to remove references of god from it's movies, another company hopes to make movie stars into their gods...

"Idol" thoughts

There's a fine line between pleasure and pain: "American Idol" auditions exemplifiy both those feelings. I just keep asking myself, "What looney bin was dumped out on the Fox lot prior to this season's auditions for "American Idol"? The rejects from "Temptation Island" and "So You Think You Can Dance"? These people are crazy! "AI" is a great argument for why lithium is still available in this country! "AI" peels back the veneer of sanity and shows that we've got so many crazy's spread across the country ("from sea to shining sea") that if someone wanted to hold a successful "Hands Across America", all they'd need to do is call up the "AI" rejects! They've got them by the truck full!

Beyond the sheer insanity of the show's contestants ( like the NYC chick who wants to be an Idol but doesn't sing- go figure!), pray tell, what family tortures their child with the heavy expectations of winning this competition (ok-only 5 families can claim this success)? These kids who are told "no" act is if the Child Catcher from "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" is waiting in the wings to ship them off to the prison cells of Vulgaria. You wonder why today's youth or so poorly behaved, just look how they respond to the word "no". Are the expectations really that high? If so, why don't these parents just give them a tennis racket and tell them they need to learn to play in order to save the family name and farm? Aren't the odds for success about the same? Crazy I say!

Fly the quieter skies

AirTran may have just won over the hearts of millions of new customers- if it plays it cards right:

"ORLANDO, Fla. (Jan. 23) - AirTran Airways on Tuesday defended its decision to remove a Massachusetts couple from a flight after their crying 3-year-old daughter refused to take her seat before takeoff. "

BRAVO!!!For every traveler who has endured the tireless tirade of twerps, how refreshing it is to hear that someone finally did something!

AirTran could rush new marketing slogans to capitalize on this:

"The No Cry-High club!"

"Cry-babies Rn't US"

"Shut-up and Sit down!" service

"If you're crying you're not flying"

"The rain does not fall in the plane"

"Cry once more and you're out the door"

"Don't cry on us or we'll leave ya"

Lady Sings the Blues (and misses gold)

Go on with your bad-ass self Miss Be*yotch*once!

If you wanna stike some gold, get back to Miss Foxxxy Cleopatra, but don't be dissing the J-Hu this Oscar season! "Dreamgirls" racks up the Oscar nom's, but read between the lines (of coke Eddie snorts)...Mrs. "Z-2-B" gets no loving: Best Picture-nope!, Best Actress-nope!, credit for best songwriting-nope! Sorry, there's not a single reason for her to step one foot onto the stage to accept an award (but she will sing during the show, TRUST and believe!), all the high profile glamor goes to Jennifer Hudson; and if any of the gossip rags have half of the story right, this has the whole Knowles Clan in a twist. I couldn't be happier! Seeing how Destiny's Child is a virtual updated "Dreamgirls" saga, the snub must leave Beyonce feeling like Farrah or LaToya when they dropped the "Survivor" cd! Here's a thought, next time Beyonce wants to channel Diana Ross, aim for "Lady Sings the Blues", it a solo gig and she got the Oscar nomination- but more than likely, "Miss Independent" will land "Mahogany."

CHA-idi-OTIC!

Somewhere between learning how to SMS somebody (what does that stand for?) and re-uploading lost music from my i-pod, I must have missed a new hybrid of speed-dating etiquette that requires the two parties attempting to hit it off to announce when the dating doesn't work. Phew! Follow all that? Dating is hard work! See, it appears that Britney has announced that she has "split" from one of the guys she been photographed with a couple times (that's about all the acknowledgement he deserves). How exactly do you "split" from a 3-day dating bender? Shower and go home with each agreeing to drive home in their own cars? Do they split the final check? Do any incurred debts and gifts get split, like phone numbers on napkins and hotel bills? Does Britney have a "pre-date" agreement (she won't wear panties if you don't shave?)? What is the proper amount of time to "see" someone to then require an announcement that you are no longer seeing that someone? Making it onto 4 tabloid news covers? Be seen once wearing ugly matching clothes? Gosh, how will Brit's kids do losing their new papa?

Ah, Hollywood kids these days, it makes me yearn for the simpler times of a drunk Drew Barrymore and pothead Adam Rich.

A clue in a shoe?

Shortly before George W. Bush decided to take the U.S. into war with Iraq-Al-Quaeda-Bin laden-Afghanistan-Hussein it has been uncovered, through recently declassified government documents (apparently it's not just phone and banking records that anybody can access these days), that a pair of blood-red shoes landed in the Rose Garden, nearly hitting Jenna Bush square in the ass, as she lied, passed out in the dirt.

It is anyone's guess where these size-7 shoes, slightly chewed by a dog, and having some funky green junk on the heel of one, might have come from. An unnamed White House staffer believes that the discovery of the shoes explains why Condi Rice was seen running through the West Wing of the building, barefoot, just a half hour before. Others speculate that they were forgotten there by Monica Lewinsky's and Jenna was too drunk to realize she fell down next them, instead of vice-versa.

A far more ominous explanation was given by the Interior Secretary (and former attache' from Munchkinland) Dirk Kempthorne. "These shoes mean that a blasted little girl is about to overthrow our government and reign havoc on our foreign policies and totally disrupt our ability to function as a country. Storms will destroy us! Animals will attack (especially flying monkeys and lions)! And the housing market will come crashing to earth!" He was promptly rushed to Walter Reed Hospital for "exhaustion and evaluations."

Most now believe the shoes were simply discarded for flip-flops by one of the women players when the USA Women's soccer team paid the White House a visit, but with Senator Clinton's presidential bid announced, some people believe Sec. Kempthorne might still be right...

An Open Letter

Dear (obtuse, stupid, detached from reality) airline (Airtran) passenger (NFL quarterback),

Long ago (about 6 years ago), in a galaxy far far away (NYC), an evil empire (Fox News, Al-Quaeda, Trump) struck out at the USA. They behaved very badly: blowing up planes and crashing them into buildings; thousands of people were killed in these acts of violence (or millions have been numbed by the televised stupidity that is presented as "fair and balanced news"). Maybe you heard about this? No? Maybe your helmet blocked the noise and has kept you from being aware of the ensuing events that have impacted nearly every American (election) for the past several years and has lead to crappy foreign policies(war) and new regulations at airports. No? Oh, maybe you were too busy getting your STD's checked out at the lab? Well, whatever the case, it is important for you to understand that, under current Federal regulations (think "the government referee's") it's a no-no to carry any liquid (water or perhaps Gatorade?) through security checkpoints. So, if you are going to try to say, smuggle drugs in a water bottle (hypothetically speaking- do you know what hypothetical means? Yes, you do! You went to college!- wait, did you graduate?) doing it at an airport wouldn't be a good idea (play) since no one can bring liquids through security (like have a defensive line no running back can get through)! This is one tackle you couldn't break free from!

Cheers-

A thoughtful ex-fan (one of the many that you flipped off).

ps...like ya can't get your stash in ATL? Yet another insult to this fine city!

Tick-tock

Condi checks her doomsday watch and decides now is the right time for peace (or a new time piece). Apparently, at no other time during the past 60 years has peace really been an appropriate option for the MiddleEast, but this is the right time. Oh wait, damn it, Condi always screws up daylight savings time, she set her watch back an hour! Maybe next year we will work for peace; "on with the nukes race and threats to attack Iran!", Mizz Sec. of State cries out, creating some of the worst wind storms Europe has seen in years.

A Lohan parking job?

Alas, Mother Nature has stepped up her vigilance in taking care of the planet.

If Disney won't quit putting out those darn "Herbie, the Love Bug" movies, damn it, then she will! Of course, Lindsay Lohan was nowhere near the vehicle at the time of the accident (I guess that twelve steps program really has made the streets safer with her off them or was this park job what got her to rehab?), much to that fat walrus (aka Brandon Davis) that Paris hangs out with's chagrin.

So what can be learned from this? Cars don't kill trees, trees kill cars? Don't park on tree-lined streets? Always valet? I'd say, vote for Al Gore and don't piss off 'Mo Nature!

Pot! Kettle! Red, White and Asphyxiated-blue

Here's the press story: "President Bush on Tuesday criticized the handling of Saddam Hussein's execution, saying it looked like "kind of a revenge killing" that had eroded the American public's faith in the Iraqi government."


After receiving criticism from Bush about their handling of the execution of Saddam Hussein and his brother, Iraq's leadership responded with the following statement:

"Talk to the non-severed hand, Mr. USA! Of course it was a revenge killing! It's what you told us to do- you said no one would notice, just like claiming we owned the non-existent weapons of mass (Iraqi) destruction! Now, once you can fix the war and oil prices, stabilize our government, get your troops out of our country then you can bitch about how tight we tie our ropes! At least we follow through with our death penalties in a timely manner!"

Oh yeah, fix your (brother's Florida) execution problems before you complain about ours! and shouldn't you be worried about Americans faith in your government?"

Cheers- Iraq

PS...how are those oil stocks performing?

A game we can all win!

The new television gameshow "Straight, Gay or Married" is billed as "the game you already play." How right they are...contestant number one. Can we pick more than one answer?

Clap 101

Did Paula steal Cher's outfit?

Paula Abdul is getting her own Bravo TV show! Now it can be said that there really are two boobs on TV: Paula on "American Idol" and Paula on Bravo! Gitmo's prisoner's beware, she's going to be haunting you till you break, no more punishment of sitting in front of Judge Hatchett!

The Bravo show will follow Paula around and take us behind the scenes into her arduous life and daily schedule; you can see how Paula practices her unique clapping style for hours infront of a mirror, learn how she files a lawsuit against a dirty nail spa's, see how she gets the numbers of the cute males auditioning for "AI" and see what personal favors she can assist with.

Don't delay, catch the first few episodes, because there probably won't be many more if there is a "Evan Almighty" in Hollywood!

"Boratted"

"B-o-r-a-t-t-e-d": to be duped or mislead in a comedic way, to create a false impression that entices others to act stupid. To be sued multiple times for embarassing people dumb enough to do things on film that they wouldn't normally do sober or among a "mixed crowd."

Riddle me this Batman, how do you get rewarded for doing nothing? Welfare and unemployment checks not withstanding (or Kato Catelin), it seems Borat has been able to, once again, dupe unsuspecting fools; this time it is the Writer's Guild of America, which has just nominated the film for "Best Adapted Screenplay."

The following is the press release for the 2006 WGA Screenwriting nominee's:

"For Cohen's film, fully titled "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan," the WGA nod gives greater legitimacy to a work heralded by many as a breakthrough in the satirical "mockumentary" genre popularized by such films as "This Is Spinal Tap." Chronicling the exploits of the title character's cross-country U.S. road trip, "Borat" is driven by Cohen's largely unscripted, improvised encounters with ordinary people who become his unsuspecting foils."

If "Borat" is "largely unsripted and improvised", how exactly does "Borat" qualify for a writing award? Someone has some 'splaining to do! Is Ashton Kutcher or Borat behind this?

Just in time for Valentine's!

Ever find yourself scratching your head, wondering what to give that certain special someone who cheats at everything? You know you can't give them anything too fancy, or they will just go and hawk it, but you still want to give the gift that says, "yeah, we know and we're telling the world".

Here's the gift for: Tonya Harding, Charlie Sheen, Floyd Landis, Richard Nixon, Barry Bonds, FSU football team, and Anna Kornikova, just to name a few. Okay, you got me on Anna, bless her pretty little tennis charm-bracelet, she didn't ever win a damn thing (but sponsorships and Enrique), If only she knew how to cheat like Sharapova or Henin-Hardienne! Buy these now, or forever regret your procrastination (unless you steal one from someone)!

The evil that men do...

You'd think the label of "man's best friend" would have it perks: walks around the park, someone to feed you, someone to pick up after you, leather collars (if you're into that stuff), and warm fires to lie in front of on wet cold nights. So who the @#$@! decided to punish this poor puppy? Don't it's eyes say everything, "late one night, when you are fast sleep in your bed, I will plod up to your room, hop ontop of that over-stuffed mattress, and shove this damn thing down your throat! And, when you try to run, the first thing you will feel is the ooze of puppy-poo between youe toes! Don't ever put clothes, like a jester's collar on me again, and then take me to the dog park, jackass!"

LISTEN!

History will prove that George W(hatever) Bush was deaf.

"I have heard the people," he says...but yet he continues to not listen.

"I have talked to Generals," he claims, but fails to comprehend what they are saying.

"The voters have spoken. Gosh, sucks for them because I don't like what they have to say!"

Beyonce belts out the tune, "Listen" at her pivotal moment in "Dreamgirls" and it resonates with her decisions that follow. I wish someone would hit up Mr Bush with the same intensity (Ms Sheehan perhaps), but sadly, it probaly won't matter, because he just wont...

Rescue Me!

Madonna cuts through the fray and learns how to save a life, her good friend Roise's. Give the English lady her due- after all this feuding, finally someone calls it like it really is.

Madonna simply stated, "Basically, I mean, she's a stand-up comic. I think all stand-up comics talk about provocative things in their monologues before shows, and I think that's a commonplace thing."

"I don't know exactly the content of what she said," she continued, "but I have a feeling that if every stand-up comic was penalized for saying politically incorrect things or provocative things, I think they'd all be hung in the public square."

Now get back to the recording studio- and don't bring the leg warmers!

"Out damn 'CATS'", I say!

Forgive the confusion, but I want someone to clarify for me, just how many ways are there "to skin a cat"? I hear that there's more than one way, but who really knows? Who is counting? And, I would imagine of most concern, who is trying out all these various methods? A Korean chef? Oh! If a cat has nine lives and is skinned in 4 different ways, does that count separately, or are they collective and still representative of just that one cat? I really need to know who is in charge of keeping track of this statistic! Does the ability to, in obviously more than one way, "skin a cat" spring forth innately once "the cats in the bag"?

Well, one person who has found a way to skin his own "CAT(S)" is Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber, who just this week surpassed his own Broadway record, for longest-running musical (was "CATS") with "The Phantom of the Opera". Now that's something to purr about!

"Pills"-bury Doh! Boy

Here's a shocker, Barry "I've never failed a drug test" Bonds just last season failed a Major League Baseball amphetamines test, and initially blamed it on a teammate. Which is more surprising, that the puffy steroided-mess lied, or that, once again, Bonds tried to finger someone else for the crime? Think about it, a guy who is under the constant glare of scrutiny for being juiced "just randomly borrows a substance from a teammate?" Not very smart- but no one said he was.

Now It Makes Sense!

I rue the day when we have to look back on the year 2006 and discover how ahead of the times Ms. Spears, Lohan, and Hilton were...and that day is almost at hand!! The National Climatic Data Center (I don't think it has anything to do with porn) has just released preliminary data that indicates that 2006 is the warmest year on record for the U.S....

So that's why they weren't wearing panties!

"it's getting hot in herre, so take off all your clothes. I am getting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off"

Uh-hum! A recount, Mr. Blackwell, PLEASE!!

Nicole, is that you?How on earth did Mr. Blackwell overlook all 86 pounds of this fashion suicide?

Maybe because she was standing sideways when he looked? I say, if this was Ms. Ritchie, I think she might have actually peaked at 82 pounds (and not an ounce of taste on her).

An Inconvenient Truth!

President-elect Gore, you're fat!

Yes, global warming is occurring, but before you'll ever get to seeing that last polar ice-cap melt, you'll be more than six feet under, if you don't quit picking up those double patty-melts! Block your door now, the true terrorists who will threaten your well-being are on the way! That's right, the Girl Scouts and their ever so popular (but no trans-fatty= blah) cookies! You need to get a little more Jane Fonda in your day and become a little less fond of trees! Mr. Gore, I have seen "Jared", I've watched countless "Jared" commercials, Mr. Gore, you're no "Jared"- get that ass into Subway, mach schnell! And, if you're really good, maybe this time next year, on Oprah, you can strip down to a speedo! A leaner you and a slighter "milkshake" might bring more environmentalist to your yard! That's right, it's better than yours!

2 out of 3 ain't bad!

1. Ripped Body: check

2. Oral Hygiene: check

3. Face and Hair Product: oops!

Matthew just hates it when Jake G. does the overnight packing, even Lance A. remembers to pack Matt's razor and hair conditioner!

OUCH!

All those damned needles tracks and nothing to show for it! Is this how Courtney Love used to feel?

Oh No! Mr.Bill!

Quick! Who is this? Ok, no, it's not a horrified Ohio State Buckeye fan; there'd be more tears and regret and it's not Yoko's painting of John Lennon. It's the latest salvo in the feud that refuses to die (unlike "The Apprentice", which didn't fare well in the ratings...). I say, beware of an angry lesbian who takes time to make a rendering of you in her art- we all know how much Rosie loves her arts and crafts, and if she's taking the time to paint Trump, I'd guess there's a vodoo doll being crafted somewhere!

on my radar: Scents and the City

NEW YORK (CNN) -- New York officials evacuated a number of buildings and shut down some trains after a mysterious gaslike odor was reported Monday.

Based on the play of the two NYC "professional" football teams, the Giants and the Jets, over the weekend, early suspicions focused on either of those NFL clubhouses as the cause of the stench, but neither panned out.

Also confounding authorities is that neither Rosie nor Donald Trump are currently in New York City, which many had also speculated as the possible origin of the odor.

Meteorologist might have discovered the answer. They noted severe wind gusts were occurring in the greater metropolitan area and that what many local New Yorkers were initially identifying as "foul air" might simply be actually fresh air that's been blown in to the city and has temporarily replaced the cigarette and exhaust smoke that is so familiar to midtown Manhattanites.

One person wondered aloud, "is this what moral decay smells like?" Too which another person piped up,"nope, I've been to New Orleans and it smells nothing like this!"

Let's just agree to blame New Jersey!

Hussein says, "American football, I Want You!"

Saddam Hussein, fresh from his execution, hopes to play football for the Dallas Cowboy's next year! A startled, but excited mourner, upon seeing Saddam resurrected, asked the dictator what he planned to do next. Noting the continued failures of the Texas football team in post-league play, Hussein answered, "play American football; death hasn't ended the careers of Tupac, Elvis, or those Olsen Twins, so why should it stop me?" he asked. "Obviously Tony Romo shouldn't be the ball holder for field goal attempts, he said, after overcoming a few heavy coughs that were no doubt caused by a very sore throat. I think there could be a spot for me on that team, plus, if Terrell Owens stays (with the Cowboys), I won't be the most hated player in Dallas!"

Trump says, "she's a fat bitch!"

Certain to keep their feud in the headlines, Donald Trump sent Rosie a box of Slentrol, the recently FDA-approved weight loss drug for obese dogs. He was quoted as saying, "it's perfect for her, why didn't they just name it Rosientrol?"

Good War Hunting

The "thinking man's president" stuns the press core by easily explaining, in his native tongue of guffaws and gobbliegook, how increasing the number of troops in Iraq will help us win the war, with the simple belief that "i've made up so much of the war, why can't I make up this theory for success?"

Banish the Electoral College(even though admission standards are low)!

Watch the show and then vote for your favorite!

This is the niftiest thing since hanging-chads were discovered in Florida! Why can't our government take a page right out of NBC's playbook and hold auditions for the presidency?

Since we can't trust our votes at the ballot box, let's give them over to AT&T to be heard! Maybe I can download "Hail to the Chief" for my new ringtone!

And since we can't trust our own votes, let's enact term limits, too!

Oh yeah, since England did this reality-show idea already we could give them credit for helping found our government!!

Saving all my crap for you!

You can be sho' the devil ain't never gonna be caught wearing this!

Thank you Mizz Houston for airing out your dirttty laudry again! Thankfully, this time, we can pick and choose as to what we bring home...not like I'd want any of that junk in my trunk!

This sale must truly be the greatest love of all for your stylist! Now he/she can go back to dressing "Jason and the Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat" cast. These clothes should put to rest any rumors about Whitney being a lesbian, ain't no girl gonna go out in any of that shit and think she's gonna get laid by another woman; sadly, a man might find these things attractive (explains the whole Bobby Brown thing= lack of taste). I've never seen Oprah wear crap like this!

It just a shame to think that she'd been (not) paying to keep these things stored, does she plan to wear them again? Or does she lie around her house in this stuff? If she does, somebody ought to be call Child Protection for Bobbie Christina!!

Now I know why Baby (Bobbie Christina) cried the day the circus came to town- she was having flash backs!

The rattle of the cattle of a new year!

Like a moth to a flame, a lemming to a cliff, or Wacko Jacko to plastic surgery...

people migrate to January first with high hopes of new habits in hand.

And by January 21st, were back to being the "new" old Christine, only we might have also found ourselves a few pounds heavier and a gym membership poorer.

And so, with so much at stake...I proudly march forth from the pack to reveal my resolves...

1. Not to go along with the group

2. No sweets after midnight

3. Wipe my feet more often before breaking and entering (thanks CSI!)

4. Read more, but recall less (I think that's what I wrote...)

5. Do laundry more often

6. Fold clothes sooner

7. Dot my "i's" and cross my "t's"

8. Don't sweat the small stuff

9. Make no resolution until I mean it- and I'm serious about this one!

10. Have fun (and not always at others expense- I can chip in sarcasm for free)

Can this relationship workout?

The belt says "no", it's too heavy of a burden to bear!...(so is a 41-14 whooping from LSU!)

I wasn't sure if this was a character from the new Tim Burton live action film "The Webbles" or one severly strained belt crying out for help!

on my radar: american icons

Happy New Year!

Alas, it seems that 2007 is looking a lot like 2006 as we kick things off: Rosie and Trump are still at it; it must mean he's got a show to promote or a new casino to bankrupt; Britney, nothing more needs to be said about her since it can all be seen on film or "Youtube". My one question, when is the last time anyone (besides Liza Minelli) ended up "out" on the floor at a party because they "fell to sleep"? Let's hope at some point someone gives them all resolutions to be a bit less visible....which leads me to...

Over the weekend a couple icons were rolled out in front of the television viewing audience; one had no option, the other probably had no idea. How they were handled gets me to wondering, what becomes of a semi-legend most and how should we salute our icons as they age?

When your husband, a former US President passes away, it won't matter how bad off you are looking, you will be shown on TV! Bless that poor Betty Ford, who's getting along remarkable well for 88! She looked like she could crumble at any moment during Gerald's funeral processions- she probably walked more in these past couple days then she has in the past 2 years combined! Kudos' to those who kept her going! And for all that she did in her time; what I wouldn't do to see Laura Bush kick back a few drinks and be interviewed by Barbara Walters (just don't let her drive)!

On the other hand, dressing up Muhammad Ali and literally (golf) carting him onto the football field to kick off the Orange Bowl was a travesty, unless you are making an argument for why boxing shouldn't be allowed ("Rocky's" 2-6 are another good reason). I was hoping to call Lee Iacocca to see if he'd help fund another landmark restoration project! For being only 65, Ali was a sad sight to behold and it's arguable if he even knew what was going on...Betty Ford might have been able to KO him if they'd been together! Ali's legacy might be better served if these appearances were kept out of the media!

It just me shudder to think in 2050 they might be dragging Britney or Rosie out there...

Theme weddings to show you Car(ri)e.

What happens when tradition binds you to pay for something you don't support, like say, the guy your daughter wants to marry? How about expressing your thoughts through a theme wedding? Inspired by the book and ripped from the movie, "Carrie, The Wedding".

What guest won't know your true feeling when this delicious cake is brought out for the ceremonial cutting? You can just stand back and smile, in that Piper Laurie way that says, "yes she's crazy, and I know he's a devil spawn, but what can you do, shoot knives at them?"

And if your point is somehow lost in their marital bliss, want not, for you can also send them "dirty pillows" for their wedding gift!