on my radar: the truth about cats

There are dog lovers and there are cat lovers, and betwixt the two, the twain shall never meet!

I count myself amongst those most hallowed (and smart) of fellow pet people, I like dogs; and this damn cat, Oscar, has done nothing to change my mind, in fact, it has encouraged me to hold fast to my beliefs. Cats to me, and I know these be fighting words, are left best to Asian comics in "Hello Kitty" form and maybe for posters that say "hang in their baby", otherwise, I don't buy them!

So imagine my thrill when I learned that the Grim Reaper now masquerades as a furry pussy; proof, right there in a medical journal, that they are evil! Evil I say! Out damn Oscar, out I say!

Oscar hangs out at a nursing home in Providence, R.I., and then curls up with people who die within 4 hours...cheery cat; like that's what I want to be stuck with before dying, a damn cat! And, imagine how you might feel if Oscar wanders into your room; might as well up the morphine if Oscars comes slinking in! So much for having nine lives! Anybody ever suspect the cat might be a killer? They do that kind of thing to mice, maybe Oscar just snuck out of the Pet Cemetery and has a thirst for human flesh and blood!

I hope, since Oscar keeps killing his friends, that if and when it gets adopted, there is a owner disclosure about life expectancy!

"Don't fear the Calico reaper!"

onmy radar: the unbearable lightness of truth

~the lightning crashes, and a young man cries

his innocents falls to floor

the FCC opens it's eyes

the confusion sets in

before TV viewers change the channel once more~~

Damn! Damn I say! Who can you believe in these days when it comes to TV? What reality is reality TV? My frustration comes from the fact that the Discovery show I was getting hooked on has now been "Emporized", as in the Emperor's new clothes, being revealed to be nothing but a sham.

"Man vs. Wild", with host and survivor extraordinaire Bear Grylls, was created with a simple premise, dump Bear somewhere in the wilds and see how he makes it out on his own. I watched him drink his own pee, squeeze water from crap, eat salmon raw (kinda like sushi), and chow down on a host of bugs and nasty critters...all to save him and allow him to get out safely. The show strongly creates the impression (illusion I guess) of him on his own, camera crew not interfering, just out there till he can get to the roads of safety.

Now it has been learned that much of that is staged, with him staying in hotels some nights and eating during the breaks from filming! In the name of James Frey, what is going on here!!

This so bums me out! It changes the whole outlook of the show! Damn! Another one bites the dust! Next I bet there's never going to be a golden ticket in my Wonka bar wrapper!

on my radar: terminator tactics

Holy Crap!! That Lindsay knows how to kill her own career...ironic her new movie is titled, "I know who killed me?" Yes, we all know!

Was she gunning for the role of the Terminator? The way she was chasing down her ex-assistant's mom in an SUV it sounded like she was hunting down Sarah Connor!

And would ya look at that mug shot, "turn around bright eyes!"

She simply amazes me with the sad level of stupidity she has shown ( I don't want to be a stupid girl). I doubt Promises will use her as a spokesperson any time soon- and everyone was so singing her praises for being out and sober for the past 5 days...she makes Britney look like Mama Theresa!

I'd love to count the ways I find her amusing, but since she can't even get to twelve(steps) why start? Maybe I'll just keep it to .012 or.014, her breathalyzer results!

Carry on my wayward daughter...don't you drive no more!

on my radar: Cruella DeVick

Ironic how his dogs are treated:

"With dogs that don't win, it's not uncommon for them to be electrocuted, shot, hung or burned." But what troubles her even more is "the way the dogs are maintained, kept out in the mud on a short chain, a lifetime of that." That behavior to humans was outlawed with the Civil War!

Seeing how he has been a loser on the fields, should he be treated like his losing dogs?

Cruella De Vick, Cruella De Vick

If he doesn't scare you no evil thing will

To see his doghouse is to take a sudden chill

Cruella, Cruella

The curl in his lips

The ice in his stare

The innocent puppies better be ware

He's an NFL QB, a waste draft pick

Look out forCruella De Vick

At first you think Cruells is a devil

But after time has worn away the shock

You come to realize you've seen his kind of eyes

Watching you from underneath a rock

This vampire bat, this inhuman beast

He ought to be locked up and never released!

on my radar: aunty Emmy

Ask not for whom the Emmy tolls, it tolls for thee (Tony Soprano).

With my best prognosis, Emmy shall in just a few moment bequeath the nominations for the 2007 TV season. Shall the convulted finale of "The Soprano's "(he died!) carry the show to lead all nominations, or will something like "Tori and Dean's Inn Love" reality show rule the roost?

I place high bets on LOST, but fear for the first time, Emmy will award the best drama to a show that has ended it's run, "The Soprano's". The irony of that would be it's finale, which left most viewers dazed and confused and scrambling for answers and was so detested by most viewers, will be what get's it the nominations (and win).

on my radar: St Swithun's Day

Forget Milli Vanilli...there's now, officially, someone else to blame for London's wet weather: St. Swithun!

St. Swithin (or more properly, Swithun) was a Saxon Bishop of Winchester and legend says that as he lay on his deathbed, he asked to be buried out of doors, where he would be trodden on and rained on. For nine years, his wishes were followed, but then, the monks of Winchester attempted to remove his remains to a splendid shrine inside the cathedral on 15 July 971. According to legend there was a heavy rain storm either during the ceremony or on its anniversary.

Wow! That clears up a lot! I'm just left wondering, what kind of crappy Saint is that? Seems to me that the connection with rotten weather would be more likely attached to a sinner! Where's birds singing or nun's flying? Instead you get an Ark worthy bounty of rain? No wonder folks here lean to the Protestant's!

on my radar: d'l'eau!

With all respect to the French and Homer Simpson: d' l'eau! It's hella raining in London!
The rain in Spain has fallen mainly on jolly old England!
It's as if I found myself in Seattle, but everyone was speaking funny, and it wasn't Canadian! There is the comfort of a Starbuck's on every corner and the coverage of Beckham everywhere...and then all the rain. It's like I never really left Seattle. Maybe this is just a wet dream? The children, muggles every one of them, do have striking resemblances to Mr. Potter, and damn if this city is not atwitter as to the fate of the youngster!

I had the fortune to come into the city via Victoria Station...every tourist is smacking their head walking into Platform 9 3/4th...sadly these kids must not realize that they actually need to be at King's Cross Station, then they would get somewhere!

I'd much rather be running around with Rihanna or Mary Poppin's at this moment since she has the magic um-ber-ella! ella ella ella!

on my radar: glamour shots

Donald Trump announced today that all beauty contestants in the TEEN, MISS and Universe competitions will be forbidden from participating in any photo shoot, unless it is done by "Glamour Shots". Following the scandalous pictures that have plague contestants over the past few years, Trump has said enough. He believes by tightening the reigns on the shoots, he can stop the embarrassing leaks of photos that have tripped up Miss New Jersey, Nevada, and others. "If there are going to be lecherous people trying to make a quick buck off of these young ladies, then I want it to be me!", he said.

The decision to use Glamour Shots was a tough one, the final two candidates were Annie Lebowitz and GS, but after a short chat with The Queen, Trump realized there could be only one diva at the shoots, and that was him!

In other news, Donald Trump announced the purchase of all Glamour Shot stores and kiosk's today.

on my radar: code pink

Dear Mr. Chertoff,

The next time you have a "gut feeling" about possible terrorist activity in the USA, take some Pepto-Bismal and keep your mouth shut! How stupid was it for him to say, "I just have a gut feeling we might be attacked?" Poll the American population, virtually everyone thinks something will happen here, again, at some point....that ain't rocket science; that's called hedging your bets!

How much are we paying you for those brilliant, gov't funded hunches? Nostradamus did the same crap for free...and with a little leeway, everything he said can be interpreted to being correct. It's been 6 years since the last major attack, it would come as no surprise if another happened any day, but will Chertoff be dubbed a genius because he "felt" something might happen?

Why should the US spend millions (trillions) on all our "intelligence gathering networks"(and see how far that stuff got us) when we can just check to see if Chertoff saw his shadow to guess what will happen next?

Oh wait, I'm prognosing something...when the world series comes around, either an ALS team will win the championship, or they will lose it. Just a gut feeling...or is it bad gas?

Love,

Sybill Trelawney

on my radar: clone wars

Vapid is as vapid does.

Why does TV always seem to launch shows in pairs? Why isn't there an original idea out there that can be developed without another network offering virtually the same thing, at the same time? I am sitting here watching promos for this new show, "The Singing Bee" when I realized that Joey Fatone must have gotten "The Price is Right" gig because they have replaced him with another guy...one of the Wayan brothers (oops, it's a Brady)? But no, it's not "The Singing Bee" promo, it something about "remembering the lyrics".

Wow, two "Name That Tune" spin-offs in the same week...after about 10 years of nothing! What gives? Is music "hot" again? Why now, and why so eerily similar launches?

That got me thinking about the past few years of television where the viewing audience has been offered double dips of swapping spouses, alien invasions, medical dramas, and annoying kids...again I ask, how does this happen? I might need to call Inspector Gadget to help with this crime, because someone is ripping off someone. But next time big network executive, if you're gonna steal, steal the good stuff!

As I prepare for my jaunt to London, I can't wait to see how many of our TV programs are recognizable as replica's of British programming...Big Brother, American Idol, blah, blah, blah...

Blessed be Natalie Merchant for whom I butcher...
"they say I must be one of the wonders..." but let's stick to man's own creation and leave God out of it...and thus the "New" Seven Wonders were unveiled Saturday night; yes, on 07/07/07....a perfect wedding date for the millions of men who will now have no reason to forget their anniversary!

So after millions of votes, there are now a new group of seven wonders of the world; stuff like the Great Wall (I can build a wall), Petra, Pyramids, and statues all made the list...but I have a better list.

Here's my picks for true wonders, in no particular order(and easily debatable and changeable):

1. How to make authentic Thai coconut soup- I do something wrong every time!
2. The acting career of Nicolas Cage
3. The reunion of Van Halen (is it sponsored by Promises)?
4. Models marrying (not pretty) rock stars
5. W. Bush's second term
6. Pauly Shore
7. Soduko

on my radar: box of rocks

A slight lapse of reason found me watching "The Girls Next Door" last night. First off, they do not live next door to me...there's not that much peroxide and kaolin in the south to keep those 3 in their "natural color."

I think there are quarries of granite that have higher IQ's than these 3 put together, but obviously, smarts aren't their best attributes. Actually, two of them don't seem to be that dumb, it's just that one, Kendra, is so ABSOLUTELY dumb, she drags the others down, or, maybe she makes them look brighter...you choose!

So the "concept" is film the 3 girls Hugh Hefner dates and see what happens when women wear little or no clothes all day. I think that's about it. Oh wait, they pose for photographers and plan Hef's day...wow!!! How do they juggle it all and stay so blond? Oh, wait, Bridget showed her parent the striptease she had planned for Hef's 80th B-day. It was only SLIGHTLY creepy watching the girl's dad watch his daughter strip down to pasties and panties then clap enthusiastically. You gotta think there's something going through proud pops head thinking, "a man older than me is getting this...lucky SOB! Oh, that's MY daughter!"

Now Hef; there's someone who keeps Viagra's stock "surging". This show, in it's THIRD season (where have I been?) is like a train wreck, but so easy to gawk at! And the irony of it all...apparently the demographics skewer to a gay male audience, considering the ads shown during the episode were for gay men's chat lines...I guess I was supposed to be watching it all along!

on my radar: proud to be american

I usually don't wear adult diapers, but I'm glad I had a spare pair, otherwise I would have wet myself ! These days there's not a lot to be proud of when it comes to ringing the Liberty Bell of Americana; yes we have lots, but we are exporting too many jobs, our dollar sucks against virtually every other currency, our gov't isn't held in the highest esteem amongst world powers, and most of our cars are foreign, and run better.... so being all sentimental yesterday, I was certainly ripe for a John McClane "yippeekaiay" moment (NOT the Senator), and there it was!

Watching the "news" of the day, an American set a new record for eating hot dogs...66! In your face Japan! We rule! What a surge of pride (and vomit) I felt, thinking about 66 hot dogs being shoved down my larynx in just 12 minutes! One dog and bun eaten every 10.9 seconds! Linda Lovelace wishes she could be so talented! Funny though, somehow the single chicken burger I was eating became too much for me. Apparently Mr. Chestnut had acquired several people's appetites, while I'd lost mine.

And as the stirring sounds of the "Star Spanglish Banner" played I found my pride in being American...there may be things that we are lacking: recount processes, esteem from other nations, a proven health care and social security system, or even immigration reform bills, but there's something we've got that the others don't, and that's the pride that comes with a new role model for our children, "The Worlds Fastest Hot Dog Eating Champion"...and we wonder why we are fat!

on my radar: define "excessive"

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- The pro wrestler who strangled his wife and son and committed suicide last month bought injectable steroids excessively, according to court papers.

Which part of shocking is this to anyone?

on my radar: robots

Paralyzing thought of the day: How do i know if my boss is a decipticon or not?

Sometimes my workload feels evil and lacking purpose, but is it just because I didn't get enough sleep last night watching Conan or was it because I didn't go to an Ivy League school, or is it because my boss is really trying to take over the world, one boring spreadsheet at a time? She still has braces on, so I am leaning towards believing she is actually an evil mechanical machine....like the xerox! That damn machine is almost single-handly bringing down our whole department! No one can make colored copies and the collating function has never worked properly! I wonder if she is transmitting secrets via the fax machine? It never seems to work right, but it is always making funny noises...OMG! My department has been taken over by decepticons!!! And the leader of this movement...the Iphone! And their secret brainwashing network: "youtube". I used to think the WB was the source of all evil, except for "Charmed" and "Gilmore Girls", but I must revisit that thought and argue "youtube" is the evil network!

Or maybe the mastermind is Mr. Coffee, the coffee machine! Could it be spiking our beverages with extra doses of caffeine to make us work faster and sleep less? I'm beginning to know how Will Smith felt in "I Robot"!

I'd run for cover, but I am afraid the elevator will swallow me whole, like it did to Rosalyn in "LA Law"...such a great end to her character...but now I am a slave to these evil robots.

Maybe my boss is an evil fembot instead? Where is Jamie Sommers when you need her?

on my radar: save a lapdance for me

This Fourth of July, be loud and proud of your rights, do a lap-dance!

Apparently, under an intriguing interpretation of Oregon’s state constitution, the justice system ruled that lap-dances are protected as freedom of speech. Crap, Anna Nicole, might truly have been a Shakespearean scholar if we had just known how to interpret her speech patterns! Maybe she wasn’t just a money-grubbing floozy; she was a fluid conversationalist! Shake that bon-bon!

This brings on a whole new meaning to body language! It’s good to know that there are still sensible folks in judicial positions, what with Bush’s court leaning back to the Stone Age. With some of the recent ruling from the Supreme Court ya might just be expecting Wilma Flintstone to be a justice!

So go out and celebrate and remember to save a lap-dance for the one you love the most! Just remember, those dollar tips now mean you are helping to fund a children’s book!