Tuesday's with the Almighty

Apparently God is listening in!

After centuries of questioning if God really exists, God has chosen now as the time to reveal that not only does he exist, but in fact he is a “LOST” and “Desperate Housewives” fan!

Beginning with the tsunami of last year, and the horrible ravages of Mother Nature this year, many believers foretold the second coming of Jesus, but with all this commotion about “Christmas” versus “holiday”, George W. using his name for political gains, and religious groups shutting down churches on Christmas Sunday, Jesus has asked his father to step in.

God was not very forthcoming about any prior, existing, or scheduled disasters, but he was willing to not only prove his existence but to also show his hipness to American radio when he flexed his powers and afflicted Ashlee Simpson and Bo Brice with maladies that have now kept them from being able to perform at the Radio Music Awards. Instead, one of his favorite bands, the Goo-Goo Dolls, will now be performing.

When asked about his musical preferences and befalling the two performers with illnesses, God said, “(regarding Bo Brice) what did I say about worshiping false idols?” As for Ashlee Simpson, “Heck, anyone can tell crap when they hear it!”

Tuesday's Shocking Break-Up!

Say it ain’t so! I feel so violated and naïve! Who ever would have thought that they weren’t going to make it!
Yes, it is true, after only a short month-long engagement, Talan and Kimberly Stewart have called off their wedding. I’m finding this hard to accept! I just won’t be able to watch Laguna Beach anymore!

Something else you might not have missed:
Jessica Simpson announced nothing newsworthy today- thus bringing her streak of non-newsworthy press conferences to a rousing 63 for the year; barely out distancing Michael Jackson and President Bush. Jessica did want to remind everyone that Thanksgiving is traditionally celebrated in her household whenever she, her sister, or her husband don’t make the cover of a gossip or weekly tabloid magazine. After her “non-announcement” she seemed to think there was something else she was supposed to tell the press, but apparently couldn’t remember what it was. When “egged on” by the press about her relationship with Nick Lachey, she simply said that the two of them were still happily married and looking forward to celebrating the holidays apart, again. One reporter then queried the “blonde” singer about her own press report announcing the split between her and Nick. Jessica replied that she doesn’t read what people write about her, nor does she believe her own press.

If those two had not parted ways, then my hunch is that the following, “ripped from the headlines” story, might have been about Nick…”man beat family to death on Thanksgiving”.

Tuesday's with Mike in Kitchen

Mike Tyson has finally retired from boxing, again.

Following in the footsteps of George Foreman, Mike Tyson is venturing off into a new career opportunity in the kitchen. Mike Tyson will be hosting a cooking program! Just when NBC cancels Martha Stewart and her television show, “The Apprentice”, another rogue with run-ins with the law steps up to take her place. No longer will you have to read about him pushing away those unruly camera men, unless they get too close during his crème brulee segments!

Some of the recipes intended to be highlighted on his show come from his mother, his sister, the guy that was two cellblocks down while Mike did time in prison, and a few inspired by his career in boxing. Given his propensity for cannibalism, it is expected that Mike will debut a tasty hors d’ oeuvres recipe made entirely from bits from Evander Holyfield’s ear; dipped in a spicy guacamole sauce, who could resist? Also expect to see the secret ingredients to his “Hansel and Gretel” soup. Plucked fresh from the arms of Lennox Lewis (no easy task to do!) you simply drop Lennox’s children into the same vat of hot water that Mike usually found himself in. After coming to a nice rolling boil- like Mike did so often in his career as a fighter, you set the dish aside to chill, for about 3 years, at your local prison. Serve with a dollop of sour cream…ooh la la! What Robin Givens wouldn’t give for a bowl of this!

Again, like Mr. Foreman, Mike Tyson also plans to launch an appliance to help get some of you most difficult work done easily; he’s calling it: “Mike Tyson’s 12 pack ice cube tray”. Because honesty, that’s about the only recipe he can ever get right, as long as it is 12 cubes or less…

Tuesday's Love Letter

The Washington Post has issued a retraction today regarding a story they broke last week.

Last Thursday news broke that purported that access to emails, that the former FEMA chief Michael Brown (“Brownie” if you’re the President) wrote to other FEMA employees during the midst of Hurricane Katrina, had been obtained by a congressional investigative committee. These emails contained statements like, “Can I quit now?”, “can I come home now?” and “I’m trapped, please rescue me”. Quite damaging when you realize how flippant and aloof these comments were in such a time of crisis…but now, under further investigation, the Washington Post believes that Michael Brown does not appear to be the person who actually wrote these emails; it appears these comments were actually attributable to either Harriett Miers or the President himself.

In other news, it appears that George W. Bush, recognizing a lame duck president when he looks in the mirror, will nominate himself for the post of Supreme Court Justice. He was heard saying to Dick Cheney, “heck, if a couple of girls can do it, why can’t me?”

And finally, ultra-conservatives have adopted a new motto that espouses their commitment to Jesus and politics. “Love The Man, not His word” .

Tuesday's Family Secrets

Janet Jackson announced today that she couldn’t remember if she had a daughter or not.
“I’m not sure why theses stories are coming to light right now, I have no new album to promote or perfume to market”, she quipped to a local reporter.
Janet’s ex-husband’s brother ignited the flames of this story by claiming that Rebbie Jackson is raising Janet’s 18-year old daughter. All this really goes to show you is if you can’t sing in the Jackson family, you’re gonna get stuck with the kids! Census workers have been brought in to count heads in the Jackson household, but fear they won’t be able to get an accurate number because they can’t keep track of all the kids in Neverland Ranch; are they family or dates? Speculation is growing that President Bush, in order to shore up the waning support of his presidency, will name a special prosecutor to oversee the investigation. “The question of whether or not Ms. Jackson (when she is nasty) has a child appears to be of more public interest than anything I have been doing lately”, Bush was quoted as saying. With nothing to do, and 3 more years to do it in, it is widely believed that Mr. Bush himself will lead the investigation.

Tuesday's with Harriet Miers

“Harriet Miers chose Coke over Pepsi (and marijuana when she partied late into the night with George W.) when she took the Pepsi Challenge in 1978!”

More shocking revelations have come from the Senate floor where Harriet Miers has been making her rounds and getting down to win votes!
Looking quite hung over, Ms. Miers met the press this morning, discreetly trying to hide BC Powder and Gatorade, two staples from the Dean Martin Emergency Survival Kit!, in her oversized Cheryl Ladd designed purse. “I don’t know how the hell Ruth or Sandra did this”, she was quoted as saying between dry heaves. “I grew up partying with W. and thought this would be easy; no one said anything about having to do shots with Edward Kennedy!” she bemoaned.

Ms. Miers, seen wearing a “jail Delay” t-shirt bought online at moveon.org, has been repeatedly grilled by the Senators about her stance on key court issues, and, having not sufficiently answered their questions, has brought increased scrutiny onto her past. Other tidbits that have been uncovered: she believed in the tooth fairy until seven, was twice sent to the principles office for daydreaming during home ec. classes, never really got the hang of latch-hook rugs, and she was turned away from the debutante society because she dressed too much like June Cleaver when Jackie O was all the rage. What still remains a mystery is her position on many controversial issues such as: boxers or briefs at sleep-overs, did Clinton inhale, what the REAL meaning of Christmas is, and where exactly in the world is Waldo? Senator Orrin Hatch said that, “until she is more forthright in her answers about theses and other critical questions, we will only approve of her for an ambassadorship position in Sudan or the UN”.

Tuesday's Intelligent Design Trial

Once again the debate rages…
From the dirty South to the dust bowls of Oklahoma to the ash covered islands in the Pacific.
The question that just won’t die! Not even Jesus was resurrected this many times!
The fiery feud that has torn house holds apart (the REAL reason Jennifer and Brad split!!!) and has put high school history text book editors on edge…
The war that continues to divide a nation now FINALLY seems ready to be heard by the Supreme Court (of Merry Maids)…


Which vacuum works better: Bissell or Dyson? One is designed with your needs in mind, while the other one, heavily marketed by a very pompous man (James Dyson), claims you need to know 4 things before you can even buy a vacuum cleaner. Which would you buy? You already know you have a nasty house to clean, so are you going to get the one that knows you have a house full of dirt, dust, and sordid secrets (those carpet stains don’t come up so easily), or the one which took 12 years to design and now says “YOU”, the consumer, need to have more knowledge before you can by a vacuum? Go with the Bissell! Mr. Dyson ought to be selling cars or high-end jewelry! At least with a Bissell you can get the job done; Dyson’s commercials will put you to sleep prior to completing your chores!

I say back the Bissell! And then pass your dutchie on the left hand side…

Tuesday's Virus Alert

The often unexplainable and usually erratic antics of Charlie Sheen have finally been diagnosed. The CDC confirmed today that Charlie Sheen has indeed contracted a computer-virus. The research, lead by Doctors Norton and MacAfee, came back conclusively after Mr. Sheen continuously failed to respond to commands and was finally unlocked when “CTL + ALT +DEL” was typed into his DNA. Doctors have been worrying for quite sometime about the communicability of these highly destructive keyboard transferable diseases. Regarding Mr. Sheen, medics paint a worst-case scenario with Mr. Sheen actually surviving this virus and going on to produce several more seasons of “Two and a Half Men” and 2 more children (not from Denise Richards). Now the medical world is trying to learn just when and where Mr. Sheen first contracted the virus. Early investigations have focused on late night visits to on-line porn sites and Heidi Fleiss. Despite her horrible acting skills and poor selection in husbands, doctors do not believe Mr. Sheen has passed the virus onto Ms. Richards. Doctors have simply diagnosed her as “a bad actress and being stupid”.

Tuesday's with William Bennett

William Bennett, riding his controversial statement around reducing crime by aborting all black babies to new popularity heights, was fed to the lions today during a civil rights rally at the New York Zoo. No one could really ascertain if any crime had been committed or if in fact it was done by anyone black. It was believed that his last words, (possibly a quote from Adolf Hitler???), were, "I don't think people have the right to be angry, if they look at the whole thing. But if they get a selective part of my comment, I can see why they would be angry. If somebody thought I was advocating that, they ought to be angry. I would be angry." Ah, it all makes sense now. If only Mr. Bennett could have made that statement with Kanye West present. Several old-school Roman’s in the crowd remarked how nice it was to get back to the good old days like when Jesus was still around”.
It was not yet clear if President Bush realized the finality of Mr. Bennett’s death, seeing how he had mentioned that Bennett might be a possible Supreme Court Judge nominee.
“Billy has done quite a job of cleaning up crime in America, much like the job Mr. Brown did for FEMA before he quit”, the President was quoted as saying at a puppy pound opening in Ohio. “I’d like to see him on the high court overturning affirmative action laws!”, George W. giggled to the group of 10 year old kids who had gathered for the pet store opening.
The president went on to say (under his breath so that Laura couldn’t hear him) that, “although Sandra Day O’Connor was a hot chick in that black robe, she didn’t seem too really like dressing up for work, I’ll bet she’ll be happier at home barefoot and in the kitchen.”

Tuesday's with Kate Moss

“Get higher baby, and don’t ever come down”

Kate Moss gives supermodels around the world reason to just keep their mouth’s shut! Ok, if you have happened to watch Tyra’s new talk show (I was wide awake at midnight...but not for long!), you’ll know there are at least 2 reasons. Note to Katie “unemployed drug-user” Moss: telling the truth just doesn’t pay! Oh sure, what she admitted to doing is illegal, but hey, these days, who is really getting stuck on the formalities of laws, rules and other bothersome things that need only apply to the common people (and Tara Reid, just because!). You know I wonder, them ladies being “Super” models and all, (as opposed to, say, “average” or “okay” models) I wonder if there is like this Lancome or MAC counter set aside for “SuperModels” in every major shopping mall…kinda like the Justice League of America was there for super-heroes to sit around and B.S. when they weren’t saving the world…only for these “highly gifted” and “special breed” of models the make-up counters would allow them to DISCRETELY powder their noses, inside or outside, smoke cigarettes and drink coffee with out having to go find a stall or something, or ever having to mingle with the perfume samples people.

Oops, back to my point. Kate, just lie like a government official or Martha Stewart! Who cares what the true is? Who ever said the truth shall set you free was a damn good liar! Look at OJ- it wasn’t the truth that set him free (stupid gloves)! And, why ya doing that stuff anyhow? You’re already thin enough to pass as the Corpse Bride- just a little less animated.

One last thing…Riddle me this Ms. Moss: if you’re gonna break the damn law doing them white lines (don’t do it!) why would you ever let someone take a picture of the said illegal act on their cell phone camera? In the words of the Black Eyed Peas, “no no no no baby, no no no no”. Some what of a poetic justice, eh, that a picture ruins a model’s career? Appears that will be the last photo op you get! Pity, if it was a fancy key you were using maybe the car dealer would hire you…or Bic pens.

And when Naomi speaks, this is what she says…”Kate Moss is my friend ... I think it's like everybody is being bad to her," the 35-year-old supermodel told a news conference Sunday. Models should not let models speak. Period (see my opening sentence)." Everyone being bad? Who? The agency who made her wealthy? Her parents for having her? The dealer who fed her habit? Or, could it be Kate that was bad and needs to learn a little lesson called “a-c-c-o-u-n-t-a-b-i-l-i-t-y”?

Tuesday's Amber Alert

An Amber Alert has been issued for a male and female who disappeared sometime during the summer movie season. Initial estimates place the couples disappearance somewhere between “Kingdom of Heaven”, “Herbie: Fully Loaded”, and “The Island”.

The female is a brunette, a little bit taller than the male, maybe a hundred and twenty pounds if thrown into Dawson’s Creek (and add an extra 2lb or 3lbs if she has THAT cold sore on her lip!). When last seen she was fighting against evil along side of Batman, sporting a hefty engagement ring, and whittling away at her “best-friends” list. There were sightings of her in Paris, London and any other place where her movie could be promoted. She is not considered dangerous (or very bright), simply “impressionable”. If Olive Oyl was a real person, she would capture most of her essence. But, due to the erratic behavior of her male traveling partner, any attempts to contact her should be done with holy water and mace and through HIS publicist!
The male is quite a bit older than the female and is prone to fits of freaking out, lashing out, and acting holier than thou. The male does not react well to being squirted with water, questioning his sexuality, asking about his religion, acting outside of very limited range of expression, or being left around furniture while on national TV. He was last seen wearing a t-shirt stating “I’m Complex!”, blue jeans, and a chip on his shoulder the size of Lindsay Lohan.

Anyone who has any information to the whereabouts of this couple is asked to call the Church of Scientology immediately! But please don’t notify the press- we don’t want to see them!

Tuesday's FEMA Efforts

Late Sunday night Washington DC emergency response teams received a frantic call from a tourist who had been near the White House.
Two other calls were received by DC’s 9-1-1 call center within minutes of the first one. Conflicting reports have made unraveling this story difficult, but what is clear is that all 3 reports claimed to have seen suspicious activity and unusual people in, and around, the White House. Each caller gave similar descriptions as to the person they saw lurking about on the White House property. White House Security was able apprehend the suspect and turned him over to the police for arrest. It took over two hours for Laura Bush and Dick Cheney to realize that George W. had been missing. It seems no one is used to seeing him at work, or at the White House.

In related news: although much press has been made about the recalling (and the subsequent resigning) of FEMA Director Browne, from New Orleans back to Washington, the truth of the matter is simply that given the way that the Bush administration has responded to the disaster in the South, there was obviously more need for emergency work back in DC than there was in New Orleans. Director Browne was just going to where emergency response crews were most needed; a Bush cabinet meeting.

There is no truth to the rumor that FEMA will be deployed to salvage Britney Spears’ image or career- they just don’t have enough resources for a rescue mission of that magnitude.

Confessions from the Jury Box

Free at last!

It appears that men aren’t the only ones who lie about length and duration; the government does it too!
After being selected for jury duty and being told it would only take 3-4 days, we just wrapped the cases, 3 weeks later!
Tuesdays have come and gone, and come and gone again, and yet there I was, still listening to a case that really hammers home the lesson, “leave your ex’s alone and don’t come to their home…or someone is gonna die!” Hhmm, I don’t remember that as one of the lessons in “Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” but it is a good one to remember! Maybe I should petition public schools systems to add that “nugget of learning” into the 5-grade sex ed. curriculum!

With the case decided, I can share that it was a murder case (and what “an honor it was” to be selected foreman and have to say “guilty” four times). If only we could have had Jessica Fletcher or Jonathan and Jennifer Hart present I am sure it would have gone faster- they always seemed to be able to solve crimes in a nifty 60 minutes. After witnessing the whole process first-hand, I realized that when people “in the know” refer to the “wheels of justice going ‘round”, they are actually talking about Fred Flintstone’s feet! That’s how fast things moved! Even F.E.M.A. acts faster!

So, my lesson learned was, pick the county you live in wisely! If you ever end up on the wrong side of the law, that ex-drug-dealing granny who lives down the street just might be deemed “your peer” and show up in the jury box, deciding your fate! Sleep well with that fact!

See ya on Tuesday!

Tuesday's who's that girl?

An ode to a certain someone who landed community service (mowing lawns) for her crime:

Her overall’s are dingy grey
Her cold feet were a surprise
Is that the runaway bride in guise?
The lawn mower person’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.
She’ll turn on you
To marry here, you’d have to think twice
She been busted for lying
The lawn-mower person’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.

And she’ll tease you
She’ll unease you
All the better to confuse you
She’s precocious
Her stories are just a bluff
Even cut her hair off
The lawnmower person is in disguise
But she’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes…

She’ll run away from home
She a risk to flight
In a split second she’s gone
Running across the country in guise
She’ll take a tumble on you
Gambling on love is her fiancés vice
She went to Vegas too
She’s got Jennifer Willbank’s eyes

TV exposed her
When she snowed you
With the stories that she told you
She ferocious
All the stories she told were bogus
Even tho’ she pulls her hat down to disguise
We all see those wild Jennifer Willbank’s eyes.

Tuesday's SVU

The following is an actual call received on the Beverly Hills Police Special Victims Unit (SVU) phone line. (Editor’s note: in Beverly Hills, “special” means exactly that; the phone number special people call is “STAR-9-1-1”, because they are one!).

Caller: “Damn it! Is there someone there who can help! Help Me!”
Dispatcher: what is the problem madam?
C: “they are everywhere! They are stalking me!”
D: “Who is madam? Are these people trying to hurt you?”
C: “Yes! They are hurting me worse than bad ratings!”
D: “How are they hurting you?”
C: “I have good days, but then I have some bad days, too…they hurt me most on the bad days!”
D ”Are these people in your home with you?
C: “Yes!! Yes they are! They are everywhere! They are staring right at me, on the cover of “W”, “GQ”, and “Vanity Fair”.

(at this point a n SVU specialist is brought in to handle the crisis)

D: “AM I speaking with Jennifer Anniston?”
C: ”Yes! Yes you are!”
D: “ Jennifer, this is Tom Cruise, and I want to help you!”
C: “NO! No not you! You won’t offer me drugs to relieve my pain!”
D: “ Jennifer, or may I call you Rachel , you sound stressed- what is in your diet these days and how often are you working out? Have you heard of Scientology?”


D: “Hi Jenn- can I call you that, Jenn? This is Paula Abdul working the lines tonight and I am here to help you! I am going to buy you a cell phone so you can always reach me when you need help or drugs to help ease your pain! I am forever your girlfriend!”

(this call was soon terminated when several reports came in (falsely) that Aquaman was sleeping with the fish again….)

Tuesday's Family Plan

It’s seems everybody in the business world is trying to jump onto the “employee discount plan”, where you get the same pricing that employees of the company receive.
Sure that makes sense in the automotive industry, but what would happen if you extended something similar to this to the airline industry? What if we all got to experience the same glamorous workday that a flight attendant lives through?

Imagine your day:
-you may, or may not, end up working- but you have to show up, regardless.
-you may, or may not, get on the flight you hope for
-the journey can start off very bumpy and never smooth out
-all day long you hear that incessant ringing of call buttons going off
-you get to meet the dumbest people on earth, over and over again, as you try to explain why they do not “own” the overhead compartment and why that oversized luggage won’t fit (hello, it’s too damn big!)
-you experience first hand the uncanny ability of adults being rude (you don’t just get that in a deli line) and/or childish
-lunch is one of 4 items: cheese and crackers, sunchips, peanuts, or animal crackers
-your beverage is a product of the coca-cola company
-your liquor cabinet at home has only mini-bottles in it
-you cheerfully face each day under the threat of bankruptcy or job-loss
-and you never know which face of crazy is going to show up at your work: be it drunk, angry, sad or otherwise


Ah, the glamour of the travel industry!

Tuesday's Payola Scam

Here is your $10 million question:
If I don't buy it, and you don't request it, why does Jennifer Lopez's music still get played?

The answer:
Because SONY BMG pays dj's to "spin" her records on the radio!

Sony is now paying a $10 million dollar fine for this payola scam. Shouldn't this become a class action lawsuit?
Who hasn't been harmed by the tunes: "Get Right", "Jenny from the Block" (...don't be fooled by the airplay that's been bought...she's as talented as a blood clot....) or "Play"? Hasn't the conscience of the American public been stunted by her? I think I might try for reparations for the damage she has caused me: loss of hair (from pulling it out trying to "get" her popularity), damage to my vocal cords (attempting to hit the same off-notes she does at karioke night at "The Sizzler"), my therapists/plastic surgeon bills (but I think my ass is too small...I want one as big as Jenny's!), and so on...but what I really will need help doing is sleeping at night. Now all I do is lie awake and wonder: "who else has designed from the J-lo line of "the emperor's new clothing".

Who else was I right about? Who else has no talent but is being falsely made into a star?... Britney Murphy? Tara Reid? Wilson Philip? Pauly Shore? Charlie Sheen?....gosh....this list could go on and on.....

Tuesday's with Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney went in for his routine medical check-up this past week. Although for the most part he was given a “clean bill of health”<> for a man his age, a few things did show up that his doctors refused comment on; fortunately, Karl Rove was there, and so we have the report:

-a slight irritation around his heart initially puzzled the doctors because it had been widely speculated that he, in fact, had no heart, just a lump of coal left over from the last energy shortage. They were able to determine that most of the cause of the irritation stems from the democrats and their constant desire for doing things, ”the democratic way”.

-a slight rash around his calves is apparently from the endless chafing he receives from pulling cowboy boots on and off when goes out to Crawford, Texas, to explain policies to George W….who is out on the ranch “riding horsies”.

-bruising along his right arm is from trying to ram a failed Iraq war policy onto the Iraqi people. The swelling should come down as soon as he creates an exit plan for the US military.

-and finally, the burn marks on his buttocks resulted from the spontaneous combustion of the jeans he was wearing. The technical diagnosis is “liar liar pants on fire” syndrome.

There is, however, no truth to the rumor that he is going to go to Canada for insurance purposes and to receive his prescriptions at a cheaper rate than those given to politicians here in the US.

Tuesday's Homage to Gwen

“Coming clean with Whitney Houston”. The reality craze that has Bobby Brown back on tv, showing America (or those 3-4 viewers who are actually watching his show)every little misstep he takes, has inspired Whitney to create her own reality series, tentatively called, “Desperately Seeking (my name is not Susan) Sanity”.
This premise of this show is that the viewer gets to follow Whitney through her daily routine:
From waking up late, hung-over, to crashing her car into school buses, to her rehab visits to crashing out on the couch with a doobie before lunch. It’s all there for those discerning viewers who like to drive by accidents slowly.

As for the ever important theme song, Whitney gives a nod to Gwen Stefani with a remake of Gwen’s hugely popular “Hollaback Girl”, renamed, “I can’t say no to crack Girrrrl”. Here are the lyrics:

~~Hey, that my sh*t, can you get it (Bobby)?
Ooh this my sh*t, this my sh*t

I heard that you were talking smack
Jawin’ on about how my life is whack
People hear ya talking like that it gets Bobby really fired up
So he’s ready to attack, after we smoke some crack
Gotta get a glass pipe, then we’ll scream and shout
That’s right cancel my rehab check-up, get the bongs all fired up!

A few times I’ve been hooked on crack
So my addiction won’t disappear like that
“cause I’m a can’t say no to crack, girl
Can’t say no to crack girl

Ooh, this is good sh*t, it’s good sh*t!

So that’s right dude, me and Bobby’s really crude
We got no principles or receipt keepers
Both of us wanna be winners, ‘cause his reality show’s a dud
So I’m gonna fight, gonna give it my all
Gonna make Bobby fall, gonna sock it to him!
That’s right I’m the last crack whore with a craving, another one bites the dust.

A few times I’ve been hooked on crack
So my addiction won’t disappear like that
“cause I’m a can’t say no to crack, girl
Can’t say no to crack girl

Let me hear ya say small baggies be bananas
c-r-a-z-i-e
Rehab is for quitters “Q-I-T-H-A-R-Z”

Tuesday's Wanton Disregard for Discretion

Charley Pride put it best, “…and when we get behind closed doors”. “Behind closed doors”; there are just some things in life that do not need to be shared outside of the privacy of one’s own home. Reality TV has certainly pushed the envelop on what “should vs. is” shared to an audience. Do we really need to know all the ins and outs of someone like Anna Nicole or Kathy Hilton’s life? Not so much! Shouldn’t someone like Britney leave well enough alone and leave something to the imagination of her adoring fans instead of revealing to us all that yes, she is in fact a true trailer park princess? “The Chaotic life of Britney and Kevin”? Not really- try “Idiotic” next time. Now, as for the proverbial “recipe for disaster” that we all hear about, but have failed to locate in any Betty Crocker cookbook, look no further than Bobby and Whitney new “share all” reality tv show. Who in their right mind would ever share with the world that, when constipated, Bobby helped Whitney “unclog” herself? Get Ex-lax, Mylanta or something…but please don’t do it manually! And yes, this is what they admitted to on their show! Such a wanton disregard for discretion!

And I just thought Tom Cruise was crazy when he said there was no such thing as a chemical imbalance, yet is living proof of one! Hey Tom, look in the mirror, there’s a chemical imbalance looking back at you!

Tuesday's Cruise Control

Emergency procedures are being developed to reign in the mega star, Tom Cruise, who appears to be close to spiraling out of orbit.
Specialists who have watched Mr. Cruise’s behavior on recent talk show interviews believe that one of four things has occurred:
He slept at a Holiday Inn and now has divined the answers to everything in life and is not afraid to tell you- watch out Brooke Shields!
At age 42, he finally got some action (see antics of jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch)! He acts like a de-virginized 16 year old!
He really believes aliens are about to invade the planet (in the guise of Scientology members).
He looked at his checkbook and realized he had enough money to start acting like a crazy man, and get away with it.

Additionally, handlers of Katie Holmes are growing increasingly nervous as she continues to act like a “Stepford wife”. They are closely monitoring the whites around her eyes. If she begins to look too much like Jennifer Willbanks, she will be admitted for therapy. No one wants to have another runaway bride fiasco!

Tuesday's Jackson Update

My LA motto: “shaken, but not disturbed”



LA- Reuters:

Jermaine Jackson, apparently the official mouthpiece (everything else on Michaels body is fake, so why not this too?) for Michael, announced that Michael just needs some rest and time to think about getting things back to normal. When was the last time he ever thought about being normal? 1973? Sources close to Michael (but none under 15 years of age) claim he is considering moving out of the country; he does have several open-ended tickets for Brazil at his disposal. His passport, which was taken from him months ago, was inadvertently returned to Latoya Jackson. Apparently, he no longer resembles the man in the mirror, or in the photo. Additionally, to “butch” up his image Michael Jackson enrolled in a military training academy. On his first day, when told to drop and do twenty, he refused, stating he never dates anyone over 16. After being expelled, he went home, went to his room, turned on the early warning sensors, drew a bubble bath and refused to eat anything but Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches (once the crust was cut-off by Bubbles). And then he thought about being normal.

In unrelated news, Atlanta police have begun stopping cars with tinted glass to ensure that the windows aren’t too dark. Using their new measuring device, dubbed the “Jackson-5 –meter” Police are ticketing those drivers who windows are too dark. Tint ratings are: “Jermaine” or “Tito” are too dark, “Janet” and “LaToya” are passing, while Michael is untinted.

Tuesday's Beleaguered Bull Syndrome

Dear Old MacDonald,

Do any of the following descriptions apply to your current cattle?
Unhappy Holstein?
Bad-mood Bovine?
Cranky Calf?
Grumpy Grazer?

If you said yes to any of the above you may have an “Elsie” just a few frayed nerves away from Mad Cow Disease! But have no fear, help is near! Before you find out that you have more than just a “bummed steer” send your cattle to the new stress reduction course developed by McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s (mad-cows make bad beef!), “Anger Management for Cows on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown”. This class is highly recommended by the USDA and is considered a Top Choice!

Symptoms for cows on the verge can be:
- sour milkshakes that don’t bring any boys to the yard
- hostility shown during the round-up, also known as “round-up rage”
- mooing that almost sounds maniacal (bad “moo’s” is bad news for business!)
- curdled cottage cheese
- constant cud chewing (it’s a nervous tick!)

So, before it’s too late and the beef can’t be saved, rattle your cattle to the call of the bad beef battle! “Anger Management for Cows on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown”…watch for it, it’s coming to a farm near you!

All failing cows are sent to finishing school at McDonald’s University.

Sincerely Yours,
The Chic-fil-A Folks!

Monday's Wacko Jacko Extra!

Call it clichéd, but we all seem to walk with a song in our heart…
Now, as Michael walks along that lonely road (say hi to Charles Manson), far far away from Abbey Road or Neverland, I can only imagine what songs he was singing:
He will need to raise cash for his defense fund, so he is making a greatest hits/duets cd to help get the cash flowing again. Currently, his song selection is:

Side A:
Boulevard of Broken Dream (Green Day)
Oops, I did it again (Chaotic Britney)
Guilty (Babs Streisand)
Love is a Crime (Anastacia)
Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Joan Jett)
I Touch Myself (The Divinyls)
Maneater (Hall and Oats)
Jailhouse Rock (Lisa Marie Presley)
Dangerously in Love (Beyonce)


SIDE B:
Beat It
Smooth Criminal
Free Bird
I’m Free (Soup Dragons)
Living on a Prayer (Bon Jovi)
(I Am) An Innocent Man (Billy Joel)
Innocent World (iggy Pop)
Keep it in the Closet

Tuesday's Answer for the Summer Sportsfan

Ah yes, it’s that time again…summer is about here and pressure to play for the company softball team is starting to gain momentum…

Or is tennis the sport you love to play alone?
Do friends recommend you play on Jerry Lewis’ golf team?
Are sports just not your thing, but you can’t escape them?
Or are you just tired of always losing to someone better than you?

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Kick to the groin (male athletes only) $ 9.95
Poking out one eye $ 49.95
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Gun shot to the knee $199.95
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Tuesday's with the Sith at the Lancome Counter

Even the baddest of bad guys cares about how they look in the heat of the battle!!

Killing good people and destroying universes can be extremely taxing on one’s nerves, not to mention ones complexion!

True fact: The Sith were the original inventors of facial masks!
Yes it’s true! While in exiled, and plotting their revenge on far distant planets, the Sith also fretted over how the blazing suns of Tatooine and other conquered planets were creating wrinkles prematurely. Over the years, and when they returned from battle, they began experimenting with different aloes and minerals; each creation aiming to be the perfect masque for healing their toasty and wrinkled skin. Some just didn’t appear work as was the case for Darth Sidious (who’s got more wrinkles than him: Vincent Price or a Sharpei puppy?)- now we know why he kept himself under wraps! Then you get those that downright backfired; Darth Maul jumps to mind! If he weren’t so hellbent on killing all the Jedi Knights and Senators, he could have tried to work with them to pass some new legislation around facial crèmes and SPF! Finally it was Darth Vader who figured it out! He just wrapped himself in a hard plastic shell; but what he didn’t realize was the damage he was doing by not removing the mask periodically to exfoliate. Well!!! For those who saw Star Wars 6, let that be a lesson to you! You still need to moisturize and let your skin breathe!

Just remember acne and wrinkles don’t care if you are Jabba the Hutt or a Mandolorian named Boba Fett…get yourself some moisturizer! Besides the Force, it seems like that knowledge (along with a gift certificate from the Lancome counter) was what Darth Vader was able to pass onto his fairly complexed children!

Tuesday's with Forever Your Girl

Maybe she should have just kept to blowing kisses in the wind and stayed seated behind the judge’s table.
Sure, it’s advice that in hindsight makes perfect sense, but when opposites attract, it’s hard to talk sense to anyone!
Now all she has on her hands is a cold-hearted snake trying to sell a book. If she would have just looked him in the eyes she would have realized his love was not for real!
So, here’s the conundrum, Ms. Paula “robbing the crunk cradle” Abdul might have compromised herself with more than just the way that she loved one contestant; what if the show’s integrity (oxymoron?) has been compromised? There are folks out there (mainly the losers who didn’t make the finals) calling for her dismissal! What would we (America) do to replace her? And with whom? Could they hold an American Idol-esque competition to select a new judge? Would a casting couch be involved (again)?

Interesting question: Who would replace her? Who needs a job these days? What has been celebrity needs a chance to wash ashore on Comeback Island?
Kathy Lee-Gifford?, Tara Reid?, Cojo?, Whitney fresh from rehab?, One of the Cardinals that didn’t win Pope?, Hey, what about Jennifer Wilkins? I guess I would have to cast my vote for William Hung.

Tuesday's Wedding March

All apologies to the lovely and talented Deborah Cox…(although no outright apologies have come from Jennifer Wilbanks)…here’s my rendering of “Nobody’s Supposed to be Here”…..

“She spent half her life
On a search to find,
14 friends who will to commit to wearing burgundy
Who’ll all lend in on her day of need,
But when they turned around,
She’s nowhere to be found
John’s heart got broke
Oh it hurt so bad
It’s sad to say cold feet win again
Jennifer had placed her ass on a greyhound bus
To take some time to think about all the fuss
And John turned around she wasn’t standing there.

How did she get there? The wedding supposed to be here!
She trying psychotherapy for the first time
Good fashion sense says, “NO NO”
Nobody wears a blanket on their hair
But dad came along and took her back home…

“I was abducted! It’s true!”
But if only she knew
How many people searched the woods through
To come up with some hair, but nary a clue
Now she admits she lied
Duluth debates if she should be tried
She took a bus to Las Vegas to spread her wings
Impending weddings make you do some crazy things
So they placed the wedding ceremony on delay
To take some time to take care of her
But when she turned around the DA is still standing there

How did she get there? The wedding supposed to be here!
She trying psychotherapy for the first time
Good fashion sense says, “NO NO”
Nobody wears a blanket on their hair
But dad came along and took her back home…

Next week we put together the ultimate “Runaway’s Bride’s Guide to the Alter and Beyond…..” Always pack something that will look good on your head if you need to hide it later….like a simple veil, or train….not grandma’s 45 year old afghan!” and don’t forget “Teddy Ruxtpin” for the flight home!

Tuesday's Rogue Wave

Where there’s white smoke, there must be a new pope!

Gosh, it all happened so fast! Now what am I going to do with the incredibly exciting Pope Match 2005?

Here’s how the brackets were supposed to play out…
Children’s author and provocative poser vs. the UN Goodwill Ambassador and “Billy Bob’s Blood-wearer”…a collagen collapse at the College of Cardinal’s boost Gucci’s girl: Madonna over (or under) Angelina Jolie…Father Tu-tu over the Father of Anti-Aparteid. Spice-husband David Beckham “sinks” Scott Peterson and Martha, with a few hints from Heloise, cleans up against the “real” housewife, Terri Hatcher.

Desmond Tu-tu trumps Madonna and Martha bedazzles the crowd and wins over Beckham….

Of course, a rogue wave swept in and upturned the ballot box, so there is no clear winner so, it will be a joint-papacy! Imagine the good wafers that will now be served with a tasty “grown in the back yard” communion wine.


“Ask not for whom the bells toll; it tolls for “Papa-Ratzi” (all my regrets to J. Donne and GBjr.)…
As “Papa-Ratzi” takes the crown and greets the folks as Benedict the XVI (is this where the Miss America Pageant got the idea to change the winner’s name from the state they represent to Miss America?) I have to question the security of the voting process…who’s checking the ballots if they are burnt? Shouldn’t there be some accounting firm overseeing the results? On second thought, if it’s like the US elections, there may be no clear winner for months! I wonder if another Cardinal in the running can ask for a recount.

Tuesday's Pope Watch 2005 continued...

While the world watches the “Chimney Cam” we take you back to the unofficial Papal election:
In the first round the challengers were:

Camilla Parker-Bowles vs. Madonna: one is the future Queen of England the other the Queen of Pop: both are adulterers and divorcees, but you just can’t become Pope without being Catholic…Madonna wins!

Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Anniston: Oscar winner vs. Emmy winner; home-wrecker vs. America’s “Friend”: Everybody loves a sinner, especially when it’s a Cardinal sin! Beating Rachel by a hair-do, the lips have it…Angelina is on to the next round.

Bono vs. Bob Geldoff: 2 Irishmen: one wants to end 3rd world debt, the other 3rd world hunger. One sings of “Sunday Bloody Sunday”, the other doesn’t like Mondays. In a virtual tie, the winner goes to the one who’s sold more records…Bono.

Desmond Tutu vs. Nelson Mandela: Both African’s, one’s a Priest and Noble Prize Winner vs. one who was a President and a Prisoner. Hard to beat someone who already has God on their side…they say, “Don’t mess with a missionary man he’s got the saints and apostles backin’ up from behind!” Desmond is onto round 2!

Lance Armstrong vs. David Beckham: Both are stars in their respective sports, one has rumors of steroid use chasing him, the other has rumors of infidelity. If Catholics want to strengthen their position with young women and gay’s (oxymoronic one thinks…) the metrosexual moves on!

OJ vs. Scott Peterson: reform is possible. What lengths would they go to keep the Church’s secrets? Sadly, the robes didn’t fit, so OJ had to quit…Scotty moves on!

Oprah vs. Martha Stewart: billionaire vs. billionaire: mogul vs. mogul: but when it comes down to it, cleanliness is what’s next to Godliness! Martha moves on with her ankle bracelet freshly engraved with “WWJD?”

Terri Hatcher vs. Marcia Cross: these two desperate housewives have been going at it in the press! The bible always loves the underdog, so in this meeting of crash and burn careers vs. lesbian rumors, Terri gets the red swimsuit and moves boldly into the second round!


Still no smoke and bells?

Round two pits Madge vs. Angie; Bono vs. Desmond; Beckham vs. Peterson; and Martha vs. Terri

Tuesday's on Pope Watch

I’m throwing my pointy hat (NOT to be mistaken for a klan hood!) into St. Peter’s ring (anything to get away from the “Emancipation of Mimi”—she’s back!).
Vote for me for Pope! I promise my reign would last longer than Jane Pauley’s talk show!
All this media coverage about the Pope just has me in the mood! Not that mood! I’m not trying to be a Bishop!! It only takes a simply majority of votes from the College of Cardinals to win. Since there are only 118 qualifying Cardinals, I only need to convince 60 to vote for me. I have fewer skeletons in my closet than they do (counting the Basilica tombs)! Voting starts April 18th, so I only have a limited amount of time to campaign! My platform is simple: “keep selling Pope on a rope soap to increase the coffers and reduce the lawsuits”! So next week, when you see smoke and hear bells, don’t stop, drop and roll or pull over to the side of the street, just know they’ve elected a new Pope.

Seeing how I probably don’t stand a chance, even though one doesn’t have to be a Cardinal to be elected, I’ve created “Pope Match 2005”: we’ll keep them competing till we have a winner.

Here are the preliminary challenges:

Camilla Parker-Bowles vs. Madonna (the singer, not “the Mother” that wouldn’t be fair!)
Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Anniston
Bono vs. Bob Geldoff
Desmund Tutu vs. Nelson Mandela
Lance Armstrong vs. David Beckham
OJ Simpson vs. Scott Peterson (sinners can repent!)
Oprah vs. Martha Stewart (they said Jesus broke the law)
Desperate Housewife (Terri Hatcher) vs Desperate Housewife (Marcia Cross)

Tuesday's March of the Funny Hats

Who decided to have tea party and not invite me???
No, it’s not Boston, but could it be the Mad Hatter?? I mean lately, when I check out the news, all I am seeing is a bunch of funny hats and I’m left wondering, “What gives”—need I make a call to Madonna to find out what’s causing the commotion?

Who knew that religion would be the culprit behind this strange “fedora phenomena”? There are a lot of things that can be said about religion, and most of it will be debatable according to your views, but one thing that has to be noted is religion sure has the market on reasons to wear funny hats!

Let’s just look at current events: Easter, one wedding and a funeral. All of these events happen to have highly religious overtones and wacky hats too boot! What proper lady would dare go off to Easter service and not be wearing a bonnet at least the size of small luggage or Delaware? It’s just not right! The bigger the hat, the better! I think privately the motto must be “the bigger the brim, the closer you get to Him”.

Now, of course the burial of the pope is going to be religious—duh! But what’s up with all the funny pointed hats? I thought the term “10 gallon” had to do with cowboy hats, but when you check out the size and variety of head gear the people of the Vatican are wearing, I say the Vatican must also double as a tent company! The most common refrain coming from The Holy See this week is “I can’t see past the dude’s hat in front of me”.

And, as for the wedding (more about them next week…), poor chaps had to move the date because of the Pope’s burial. But if you have ever been to an English Wedding (or seen one in a movie…) it’s all about the hats. I’d like to think that it’s just a British thing, but after watching all the pomp and circumstance around the Pope, I’m guessing it’s a tradition they picked up from the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Now, please don’t think I have a thing against hats…I love them! Next to pets and children, I think hats make wonderful accessories…but must they be so big and busy? Like kids, aren’t they best to be seen, but not heard? Some of these hats speak volumes!!!

Tuesday's with just Whitney

If only she would stick to singing, then I wouldn’t have to…
Jump on in when you know the chorus…

“The doors of Whitney’s rehab clinic go round and round,
Round and round, Round and round,
‘cause her crack pipe was found.

Bobby knows how to roll joints big and round,
Big and round, Big and round,
Bobby rolls them big and round when Dionne Warwick’s in town.

Whitney’s musical career has come crashing down,
Crashing down, crashing down,
Whitney’s singing has slow down- she hasn’t made a sound.

A gravelly voice from coke and tokes
Coke and tokes, coke and tokes
She made her life a real mess, she’s the butt of Leno’s jokes.

Tuesday's Madness in March

Unlike the Michael Jackson trial, this email has been sent to you on time. No “Tuesday” staffers will be leaving due to “personal reasons” and then signing on with P-Diddy. No children, satanic turtles (buy it on eBay!), rain forests, or kin of Joan Crawford were harmed in the writing of this email. Slight blows to one’s ego (or Hall of Fame chances) might occur as we begin our initial dissent; please dispose of all needles and deny any use of steroids while under oath. Please fasten your seat belts on you and any passenger’s who might be traveling in your vehicle in case Paula Abdul is in your town and driving next to you. This email has been approved by the official “Tuesday” committee, which was called into legislation way after midnight and signed by President Bush after the said author began to refuse food because he really believe major league baseball was clean. At no time, upon any marriage, will I attempt to change my title from “Her Highness the Duchess of Cornwall (what did Cornwall do wrong to get the honor?) to simply “Queen Cammy” even though in London it appears it is legal for her to become queen. All women wishing to marry Scott Peterson should have to go on a “dinner date” with Robert Blake first. New Yorkers who “won” only to “lose” their lottery claims will be compensated $8.50/day plus travel to Alameda County, California, to fill in for the black and Jewish folks who have been kept off juries in capital cases, unless President Bush plans to intervene on said cases.

Phew!!! Are we still in March?

Oh yeah…go Washington Huskies!!!!

Tuesday's Loss of Southern Virginity

Reader’s Note:
No animals and no squealing like a pig were involved in this experience, nor were any relatives or in-laws or children…that’s all part of the Michael Jackson trial.

There are many ways in which we can poke fun at people from the South—Jeff Foxworthy has made a career of it and the “Dukes of Hazzard” has immortalized it on TV/film. Having now lived here for 7 years, I have always felt I was “above the fray”; I was merely a west-coaster residing in the land of Dixie and NASCAR, until last weekend…that’s when it happened. Yes, I have enjoyed grits without anything but butter and pepper, I have spent plenty a weekends in a small Georgia town taming the fire ants and seeing all the stars come out at night, I’ve blended “you all” quite Southernly into “all y’alls” while teaching classes (much to my embarrassment once I heard the contraction spill forth from my lips), I’ve begun “fixin’” things when nothing is actually broken or needs fixing and I’ve even gone and rooted for UGA during football season. Yes, I have at least 2 cowboy hats and know the difference of when to wear each, I’ve been to the rodeo (by choice), I know the difference between Shania and Martina McBride, I’ve had a shot or two of moonshine, I’ve stood alongside friends at a backyard bonfire and I’ve found hidden churches down long red dirt roads that inspired silence.
But, with all this said and done, I still didn’t think I was actually a “Southerner” until I did the one thing that forever had me crossing “the line (not to be confused with the Mason-Dixon)”…I wore clothing with “John Deere” on it, and liked it! It may just be a ball cap, but it’s still a “Deere”. And that was when I realized I had lost my southern virginity!

Next up: overall’s from WalMart!

Tuesday's with Carlos Irwin Estevez

Who the heck is Carlos, you may ask? Well, he is none other than the wild and crazy Charlie Sheen!
There is much to do about Charlie lately. His wife of two years, the delightful (to look at but atrocious to watch act) Denise Richards, has filed for divorce…while she is six months pregnant with what most would presume to be their second child. HHmm, where did this marriage go wrong? What possibly could have happened six months into a pregnancy that would have Denise filing for d-i-v-o-r-c-e? This really has me stumped! Irreconcilable differences my ass!!!! I would like to pity this past “Bond girl”, but…

What was she thinking to marry him in the first place??? He’s Charlie Sheen for gosh sakes!!!! She knew he was a bad boy, so what makes her think he changed his ways? Did she do a background check? Let’s look at the facts:
Accidentally shoots fiancée in arm, engagement broken, 1990.
Dates porn star Ginger Lynn Allen 1990-1995
Marries model for 5 months in 1995-96
On going “work relationship” with Heidi Fleiss
Did I forget the assault record and rehab stints?

So, who really dropped the ball on this union? I’m thinking it’s Denise’s fault for ever going there! Charlie’s resume speaks for itself!!! May be she is just illiterate and could read the “writing on the wall” or all his legal paperwork.

Tuesday's Lost and Found Celebrity

The recent hacking of Paris Hilton’s cell phone, “Sidekick” (not the type of press T-Mobile hopes for, but with Paris, what would you expect?) has not only uncovered the numbers of such friends as Eminem, Christina Augillera and Lindsey Lohan but has also shed light on a long-rumored famous Hollywood family secret: the missing Gabor sister!

For years rumors have persisted that there was a fourth Gabor sister; one that was not quite as glamorous as Magda, Eva or Zsa Zsa and so she was kept hidden. Stories circulated that she was born premature and was said to be a sickly child, often very ill and bed-ridden. Real or not, this girl was rarely seen by others. In time people simply forgot about the girl and she took on the persona of yet another Hollywood myth. It wasn’t until years later, when the sisters made their way to Hollywood and began making films, that the fable of the 4th sister began to be retold. As the old Hollywood legends go, whenever a stunt-double was needed for one of the sisters, the same woman was always hired; a woman who looked remarkably similar to them and even spoke with the same Hungarian accent, but rarely could people ever gain access to her—she was always kept in the trailer. Whenever one of the sisters was asked about this “fourth” sibling, they always feigned not understanding the question and stepped away to make-up. As time marched and the Gabor sisters slowly faded from front page news (besides the odd bitch-slapping cops and drunk driving incidents), interest has waned around the family mystery—until now!

The hackers who posted Paris’ black book on the web included information on a “Na Zsa Gabor (pronounced “Nausea”)”. Paparazzi have been stationed near this woman address, but rarely has she been seen. When spotted, it’s usually when she is in the bathroom throwing up. The few photo-ops that ever caught her usually had her down on all fours, looking up at the camera with spittle running down her chin, and someone behind her, holding up her hair (hhmm…kinda sounds like Paris, too, come to think of it or a 21st birthday party). She doesn’t seem to ever leave her home, except on rare occasion to by vodka, cigarettes, spam and Dramamine. A neighbor of hers was quoted as saying, “she’s always seemed so ill- she’s about as healthy as the pope”.

Currently, that is all we have to report, but we will keep you posted if any new information comes our way or if Zsa Zsa gets another speeding ticket.

Tuesday's with the Supernanny

Can this family be saved?

The children lost their real mother. The new step-monster is not well received by the children. The father is becoming stodgy and boring. The public are watching their every move. Rumors are flying about in-fighting and back-biting! Can Supernanny save this family? And no, it’s not the Royal Family (but they need help too)! It’s the McCartney’s!

The problems appear to reach back into the formative years when the kids (Stella, Mary and James) were still being raised by Linda. She ushered them along and always praised their work—even the crap Stella was putting out! Now, years later and Linda having passed, Paul has remarried, and his new wife, Heather Mills, who’s the same age as his children, sees none of the talent Linda used to heap on Stella, or the others. Did anyone notice that Stella did not have a part in the wedding, nor did she design any of the clothes?

After just 2 days with the family, SuperNanny Jo thinks she has a plan to get things “back to where they once belonged”. The next time Heather and Stella get into an argument, Heather must assert who’s head of the household and put Stella in the “naughty spot” until she behaves! Heather must also institute a firm discipline regiment for Mary and James when they go and hide her prosthetic leg! Heather must eliminate excuses for their bad behavior. Bedtimes must be in forced—no more all-nighters for those two! And if Stella wants play time, she’s got to finish eating all the food on her plate! It all comes down to Heather focusing on the finer details in the techniques she is using and keeping positive.

Now, as for the boring half-time show Mr. McCartney put on, there’s nothing the Supernanny can do about that.

Tuesday's with Cupid

Looks who’s sleeping in the Barq-o-lounger! Grumpy old Cupid has finally nodded off after working his tail off to get out all those Valentine’s. His fingers and arms are covered in bandages—way too many paper cuts from all those cards he had to deliver and “prickings” from the thorns on those roses. Just to correct the song, “every rose had about 50 thorns!” next time go with Tulips!
Poor tuckered-out Cupid is in a chocolate-induced coma! It appears this year there weren’t nearly as many “in-love” couples as expected so Cupid had to eat all the excess! If he would have just listened to the Easter Bunny, and saved those damned receipts, he wouldn’t have been in this mess! Godiva does not accept returned items with bites taken out of them or without receipts- end of story! Cupid is stuck with all them extra boxes of chocolate—where’s Forrest Gump when you need him? Having leftover chocolates may not seem so dire to the average chocolate fan, but it doesn’t stop there! What about the kinky clothing? When you take into account that Cupid doesn’t have any receipts for his other Valentine’s purchases, it means he is walking around in women’s underwear from today till next year—all courtesy of Victoria’s Secret strict no-return policy! You’d think he would learn his lesson by now—but hey, he’s a man!
Yes, for many, it was just another day of telling that special someone just how much you love them, but for Cupid, it was a job. One might say a “labour of love”, but I think he cusses too much to call it love…it’s a job!

Happy belated Valentines.

Tuesday's Famine Relief part 2: the song

Every good charity deserves a tribute song, why should the “dying to be thinner” Hollywood starlet’s be any different?
Bono and Mick Jagger have joined together to pen the new charity single which will help raise funds to feed the Olsen twins and Lara Flynn Boyle (sure they don’t eat much, but it still can be expensive to just look good going out!).

Hum along to (the tune of We Are the World…) “We are the girls”….

There comes a time when we heed the casting call
When Hollywood women fight to be “the one”
There are agents lying, and women literally dying
It’s time to lend a hand to make them clean their plate
Make sure they ate it all…

We can’t go on pretending day by day
That some director will soon make a change
They don’t want to cast a fat actress
The truth- make them shed it by yesterday!

(chorus)
We are the girls, we are the women
We are the ones who want to land the next big role
So we’ll stop eating
We’re risking our own lives
It’s true we’ll be skinner in a day
If it kills us to look that way

Well, send them some food
So they know someone cares
And their bones will be strong as can be
As Cher has shown us
By taking out a few ribs
You can win an Oscar if you’re just willing to give

(repeat chorus)

When you’re down and out
There seems no hope at all
But if you just believe
There’s no way they can fall
Well, well, well, let’s realize
That change has truly come
When Kristey Alley wins the casting call!

(repeat chorus to fade…..)

Tuesday's Famine Relief Efforts

Mark your calendars and open your checkbooks! It’s time for another fundraiser!

This year has already seen millions of dollars raised for relief and disaster aide, all very worthy causes, but there is still one cause that is overlooked…feeding the needy Hollywood Starlets!

Yes there is disaster all around the globe, but right here, in our own sunny LA backyard, we have a crisis going on! Famous and semi-famous women all over Hollywood are simply starving themselves to afford their Oscar gowns, Emmy outfits, or publicity photo-shoots. They need our help! Do you need that coffee and donut as much as they do? Can’t you afford to skip a meal and send your check for $5 to help them out? Actually, that $5 won’t even come close to paying for their valet service at the Ivy, but won’t you feel better knowing that you have donated to the cause?

Yes, most of these women have more money than god, but since they are too stupid to eat, shouldn’t we treat them with as much tender loving care as we would a child riding on the short bus? True, the shortest thing they will ever ride in is a stretch limo, but don’t hate them for the money they make, pity them for the ribs and bones they bare in those Dior gowns!!!

Can’t you spare $5,000 to $10,000 to ensure Calista gets a good meal at Spago?

All donators receive the used napkin and a publicity photo shot of whichever celebrity they sponsored eating the food item they paid for!!!!

Tuesday's with Oscar

This town, at times, can be overbearing. All alone in the big city makes people do crazy things; for me, it was online dating. Who sits at the other end of that email? What lonely heart or crazed killer keeps sending me notes with happy faces made out of the colon, dash and parenthesis symbols? Will I meet a cartoonist similiar to the "Ziggy" mentality or a "GI Joe" (just don't ask) type? About the only thing I was sure of was that this date would probably end up going SIDEWAYS. We were to meet at this new upscale place, the HOTEL RWANDA, but plans changed at the last minute and so I headed off to RAY'S bar instead.

Damn! who ever said mapquest was easy? Locating RAYS's was like FINDING NEVERLAND-- nearly impossible! Until I saw the North Star beckoning me forward. Once at the bar, I had to try to figure out who this mystery date was. I certainly hoped it wasn't the hippy looking one over at the pooltable! I approached the bar, seeking a drink to loosen my nerves. The bartender chirped out, "hey who's the new fella? You look like a MILLION DOLLAR's, BABY! "Thanks", was all I could reply. After a few minute, and 2 shots, I worked up the nerve to ask the bartender if he knew anyone here named "Liam"? The bartender just grinned and motioned towards a guy sitting in the back of the bar, decked out in a full-on 80's retro outfit and those damn AVIATOR glasses. I smiled, thanked the bartneder, paid for my drinks and promptly headed to the door...
"I'd rather be at home watching the Oscar nominations instead of wasting my time in this bar", I told myself.

Tuesday's with Strangers

What happens when you put a room full of people together, planning to learn how to foster stronger dialogue between one another, for a full week? Doesn't this sound like fun reality TV?

well let me tell ya...(just like what war is good for) ...Absolutely nothing!, say it again, uh!

Gads...it's like hell froze over today, because it felt like I was in hell, and it did snow outside!

here are just a few snippets of the enthralling dialgoue batted around my table:

"is this sweet tea? wow..it is!"
"I like tangy and citrusy teas, not Earl Grey!" "I love Earl Grey!"
"I brought kleenex's: who needs one?" (am i at a preschool?)
"I have hand lotion...hotels always seem dry"..."is it anti-bacterial?"
"this course is so good, they should replace the Gideon's bible with this book in every room!" "Everyone should read it"..."and the bible too!"
"who put the teabags in a glass? that is so clever! now the tablecloth won't be stained!"
"any one catch MTV's Cribs?"...those 20 something hip-hop girls own lots of shoes and game jersey's, but i bet they'll be indebt by 30"

all this before 10 AM!!!!!
Calgon take me away!!!!

Tuesday's Resolutions Role Models

Tick-tock, tick-tock. It’s just one simple week into the new year—how are those resolutions going? Anyone tired of Amber Frey (and Gloria Allred) already?


I’m looking over the annual to-do list and I’m thinking, how can Hollywood help me achieve my resolutions? Then I realized, there are role models everywhere, if you just look hard enough (actually, you barely have to look at all, they will find us)!

1. “I want to help children”—who better than Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to be influencing the next generation? Fox had them lined up to be substitute teachers in the 3rd iteration of “the Simple Life”, until parents complained. Don’t you want your kids to understand the value of $1 million dollars and learn how that pesky home camera works?
2. “Keeping secrets—The Pitts that go split”. They claim for weeks now they have known about their impending separation announcement, but they didn’t want to overshadow the ending of “Friends”, or the premiere of “Oceans 12”. Realizing that is a span of almost 6 months, they certainly knew how to keep their split a super secret!
3. “Earn more money”. Anna Nicole, recently having her lawsuit overturned, suddenly is out $88 million. Her lawyer quickly stated they would fight this grievous betrayl, in court. What a way to earn an honest buck—strip and sue for it!
4. “Be healthier”—George Carlin finally goes in for rehab! Who didn’t see this coming decades ago? Well, now that he’s on the bandwagon, I will be too!
5. “Get more sleep”—I do want to rest more, but I am afraid that if I sleep like Liza Minelli, I won’t be able to afford the doctor’s bill! What’s up with almost inducing a coma when ya fall out of bed asleep?

I hope this helps inspire all of you to keep at those resolutions! If Hollywood can do it, we can to!

Tuesday's with Amber Frey

It's a big day in the book publishing world. Harry Potter won't be out for 6 more months, but Amber "he's gone fry for his lies" Frey's tell-all is now available, "Murder, She Wrote." Just joking! The real book name is very witty and inventive title, "Witness for the Prosecution of Scott Peterson." Ooh! ooh! Who could it be? Their dog who finally broke down and admitted he saw Scott do it?
Chapter headings read like B-movie titles or conversations held during sorority rush. Two examples are: "Isn't that a little twisted, Scott?" and "Oh My God! Laci's baby is due on my birthday!" What, was Amber going to get the baby and herself matching outfits to wear?
In the book, Amber reveals to us some of her deepest thoughts and helps shed light or her inquisitive nature (in which she comes across sounding like Paris Hilton or a Penthouse forum letter); she admits she still thinks about him!!! Wow! Crazy! I can't believe it!!! She also wonders, "...if sometimes he thinks about me?" Wake up Amber! You pretty much got him sentenced to death-- of course he thinks about you...it just probably isn't the way you hope!
Intrigued? If your year is off to a slow start pick up this sure to be best-seller! Remember, all profits will help pay for Amber's escort services. Can you imagine she will ever blind date again?