Sweet Little Lies

"tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies, tell me lies..."

There is no Santa! I have fought long and hard to believe, but I am throwing in the towel on the mythology of Father Christmas this year!

Once again my few wishes were unanswered (screw you Garth Brooks!)!

All I asked for were four simple gifts:

1. Patience to deal with all these stupid holiday shoppers
2. ESP
3. A high tolerance for alcohol and drunk friends
4. A vodka tonic with a lime

Yep. Only one showed up and that was a day late. And trust me, Santa didn't pour the puppy I was handed! That's what bartender friends are for!

Since I did not get ESP, all my "late" gifts to friends are comprised of 2 liter Diet Cokes, McDonald's gift certificates, Burger King cologne and BBQ cornnuts. It's the thought that counts, right?

Exactly!

A critical note: had the vodka tonic showed up earlier in the week, and then I was granted gift number three, gifts one and two would have easily fallen into line...but no Virgina, there was no VT until the day after Christmas!

Ode of the 2008 Seattle Sports fan

Yes it absolutely sucked to be a Seattle Sports fan and this clip helps put the year in perspective- painfully.

"I DON'T!!!"

"I don't!I don't!I don't!I don't!I don't!I don't!I don't!I don't!"


It may not matter what my rational, logical and sober mind thinks because I wouldn't be caught dead contemplating marriage vows, in an LA courthouse no less (Proposition 8 be damned), to Spencer Pratt (Hell-to-the-no to a bromance!) , but it apparently does matter to Heidi Blaire Montag.

I do think she heard me, even though in my mind there was must have been a simultaneous cacophony of screams aimed at TV's across North America as "Speidi" stumbled through their vows...almost, chanting, "I don't!"

Make no mistake, just because the Wolfman Spencer didn't go through with the vows doesn't make him decent- he's still a douche! That was all done just to get more air time.

Question: does Heidi own a TV and ever watch this damn show to see what Spencer does to everyone around her? Apparently not.

I do say, "well done!" to MTV for helping me keep off any holiday pounds that might have be created by eating all those damn holiday cookies and candy by playing that Montag-Pratt montage, with Jessica Simpson's, "I wanna love you forever" (gag) on "the after-hills". Whitney may be moving to "The City," but that little video took me straight to Puke City!

WWJT? (What Would Jared Throw?)

Perhaps the end of the world will be ushered in with a whimper instead of bang...
take that Keanu and "The Day the Earth Stood Still" fans (not like there were too many of you out there this weekend buying up tickets at your local Cinema Paradiso)!

Ever since the Cold War and Kennedy, atomic and nuclear weapons have been the instruments of mass destruction that constantly threaten the survival of man on Earth. Correct, there are occasional cases of very stupid people doing ridiculously dumb things that have hastened their way into the next realm, like getting a lap dance from Anna Nicole Smith during her heavier weight days or a priest who aimed to fly, bundled in balloons, but forgot to consider how to land, but by and large, most people's fears lie in wars being raged with deadly weapons and force.

So imagine ("and you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one") how calming it is to see that feuds are now being scaled back (perhaps a positive result of the economic down turn?) and waged with weapons of no-destruction: sandwiches and shoes.

In the past week there have been two separate assaults in Florida where the culprit was a subway sandwich and one highly publicized incident in Iraq where a certain world leader had shoes thrown at him.

I don't preach violence, but if one had to throw something at another, how much more peaceful of a protest can you wish for when the offending weapon is a tuna fish sandwich or a hush puppy (Naomi and Russell, you taking notes on this?)? Of course, it may not have the impact you'd like if you really were aiming to do some damage beyond mayo and mustard stains.

Death Be Not Proud

Ask not, oh mighty "Historical South", for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for Thee!

The "New South" is rising faster than you can say, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" Heck, Obama and a Democratic Senator both almost won in Georgia- if that doesn't cause the Mason-Dixon line some serious shrinkage, I don't know what will (besides more cold rainy weather)!

And in its wake crumbles the pillars of the "Old South".

Sweeping changes are coming: the glory days of the South, the "Dukes of Hazzard" lifestyle and clothing, Rebel flags waving across the state capitol building, UGA being ranked preseason #1 in college football, "English" spoken in a native-sounding tongue with a mouth full of marbles and the slight straining melody of "dueling banjos" faintly heard as background noise are about as good as gone as Dale Earnhardt Sr., bless his heart and NASCAR winnings!

Hip-Hop, high-rises, Donald Trump and clean porches are paving the way to the New South. Yes, clean porches I said!

Down yonder a ways from Atlanta, a tranquil little town known as Albany, a city that claims a share to the "Home of Ray Charles" fame, recently passed a law that makes it illegal to keep couches on your porch. Well "Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care 'cause my master went away" what is happening here? How un-Southern and insidious of a law is that? Why doesn't someone just burn down Atlanta, again, if they want to change the ways of the South?

Why not make moonshine sweet tea, "the table wine of the South" illegal and serve up latte's instead? A hound dog, a porch and a couch are staples of the South! Add a truck, gun rack, a shotgun wedding and Trisha Yearwood and you've got a hit country single!

Will they try to take away our "Billy Beer" next?

I say to the South, "gather ye rosebuds magnolias while ye may; old time is still a-flying; and the same flower city that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying!"

Hang on to your Lazee Boyz, sofas and BRQ-O-Loungers, Albany! Don't ditch the couch for modern trappings and pride; hold fast to those eye sore sofas!

You gotta fight, for your right, to blight!

The Curious Case of "Maverick"

Where have all the Mavericks gone? Two months ago there was a maverick on every street corner and newspaper headline; I couldn't string two sentences together without the pleasant sensation of "ma-ma-maverick" rolling over my tongue and between my lips, to then waif gingerly through the atmosphere until it reached the sweet lobes of an other's ears. A simple little shutter, a nervous giggle, upon reception of the word, let both the sender and recipient know, we both had been touched by a Maverick!

"Maverick" was to October 2008 what "Pet Rocks" were to a generation in the 70's. So where'd it go? There's been more transparency in how the governor planned to fill the Illinois Senate seat than visibility of the Maverick lately!

Come out, come out, where ever you are!

Now, nary can I find one to save my Maverick-less life! I couldn't even get a sip off of my drink, playing the "Maverick drinking game" last weekend; I ending up being the designated driver! Just two months ago, I was seeing sweet Jesus in the base of a lovely cool-watered porcelain toilet by 9PM when the game was played (that image of Jesus is currently for sale on ebay)!

Maverick, Maverick, wherefore art though Maverick?

I have attempted to fill the void with repeated viewings of "Maverick", the Jodie Foster version, but that shoe don't fit! "Top Gun" leaves me cold as Iceman, and I just don't care for Mark Cuban's version of the word, so I have let Dallas basketball play on without my eyeballs. In the illustrious words of Bonnie Tyler, "I'm holding out for a hero Maverick."

Perhaps if I am a good boy, Santa will fill my stocking with, "Tales of Beedle the Bard", a good moisturizer, "Annie Lennox's" Greatest Hits CD, and a Maverick.

George Lucas brought back the Jedi's, I want a return of the Mack Maverick!

Grammy's can you hear me?

Finally someone in Grammy land is listening!

Sorry lambs, no Grammy nods this year for Mariah "touch my body" Carey!
I couldn't be happier, and neither could Duffy, Adele, Leona, Sarah, Pink, or....Katy? Whats up with the cherry chapstick sneaking in and kissing the recording academy?

Every year about this time, I channel Terry McMillan, breath held until all the Grammy nominations are announced, and then I exhale; usually it's a sigh of disappointment, acknowledging that my favorite musicians have been overlooked for overwrought artists with huge publicity machines, but this year I am almost okay with the whole slate of nominees- almost.

A "no mention" for Mariah is almost as good as a nod for Annie Lennox- almost(and yes, to all you haters, 2 well placed nods to Madge makes me smile!).
While really enjoying many of the female nominations in pop, I do regret when one of my all-time favorite voices, Ms. Lennox, who is eligible to be nominated this year, is overlooked by someone who kissed a girl. Really? Perhaps this will give hope to Katie Holmes come Oscar nominations time or Heidi Montag Emmy time? No really, I kid!

I'm holding out for Tia Carrere ("Wayne's World, party on, Cassandra is so hot!") to kick ass and clean up in the Best Hawaiian Music Album!

I am NOT...Sasha Fierce

I'm Britney, bitch!

Yippee and welcome back Britter's!
It's official, today is the relaunch of Britney Spears, V3.0.

At the tender age of 27, (Happy B-day!), we have had the rare, and often times unwanted, intrusion of her personal struggles dumped into our TV viewing laps! During the span of a single year we've watched the warbling songbird go from sweet and sassy to cuckoo for cocoa nuts to dijonaisse, and become an auntie to boot!

No longer is she not a girl, not yet a woman...she's an institute!

Today is the international "Re-Love Britney Day"; catch her singing on Good Morning America, wish her a happy birthday by buying her new CD, "Circus", or donate an hour and a half of your busy schedule to really get to understanding her by viewing, "Britney- For the Record (sales)".

Share the love and help re-establish this emotional roller coaster onto the stability highway! Get on down with her on the "freeway of loving her...one more time!"


Admit it, you want to (oops)...do it again!

Chinese Democracy

Guns-N-Roses forces Nebraska to rewrite their safe-haven laws.

With Guns-N-Roses finally releasing their 14 years in the making "Chinese Democracy" CD/album/8track, state legislators in Nebraska moved swiftly to change a controversial safe-haven law by restricting the age under which unwanted crap in the making music teenagers could be dumped left at hospitals without parents facing prosecution.

"This is a case where moving swiftly has most-likely kept us from having to house millions of unwanted CD's", said one unnamed critic who has heard the CD and wished he hadn't. "We can't take away the harm from those exposed to this, but we can hope to stem the damage by not allowing it in the first place! And who would want to be responsible for Axl Rose anyhow?"

Another person said that the G-N-R CD should help pave the way for abortion-rights activists in the future, "As if The Spaghetti Incident wasn't bad enough, talk about something that should have been aborted a long time ago... well, this and Paula Abdul and MC Scat Kat collaborations!"

Mo' money, mo' problems

As if chronicling the "desperate for publicity housewives of Atlanta" wasn't enough to scare common-sensed people off from pursuing the "elite" lifestyle that the Atlanta women claimed to be a part of, Michael Jackson rears his ugly-head (and I say "ugly head" only in jest since his masks don't allow one to be critical of his real appearance), dogged by yet another legal issue surrounding money, to remind us just how costly fame can be.

It must be difficult to live in a world where you can't tell the difference between a business loan and a gift- to the tune of $7M! Seems to me it should be pretty "black and white".

Who lives in this kind of world? Dr. Seuss, Daddy Warbucks and Big Poppa? How can one not know the difference, a $7 million dollar difference, between a gift and a loan? That is simply mind-boggling! Was a birthday card presented and inside it said, "Sorry Michael, I couldn't think of what surgery to get you, I hope you can forgive me for just gifting you $7 million dollars. Love, the Sheikh."

Sadly, Michael claims to be too ill to travel to London for the lawsuit- it'll be interesting to see how this one plays out; I doubt a new cd will emerge from the ashes of this business venture, Mr. Sheikh. Perhaps the Jackson lad's financial troubles could become part of the bailout plan? A new way to save Motown!

But seriously, how the heck is this man solvent? I've watched the "TLC" VH-1 story on how to go broke (poor lefty eye) and cried along with Toni Braxton (unbreak her bank account) while trying to keep her Grammy awards from the IRS. And yet MJ still has some Benjamin's to roll with? Maybe he should be the one dispensing those $700 billion bucks to save the USA! Or make a charity record, "We R the Brokedown World" USA4USA! Oh wait, that's where this whole $7million dollar issue started- making records!

too much time on one's hands?

I've been slightly busy lately: shopping for Sarah Palin's concession speech outfit and all is no easy task...what, she hasn't yet quit running? Nevermind. OK, busy helping Barack Obama measure the drapes and try and get the smear stains out of the carpet- what does get them stubborn stains out? Retooling the image of Britney Spears just about wore me out; I was ready to shave my head at times! I just finally had to wash my hands of the "Publicity Desperate Houswives of Atlanta" after several of them couldn't grasp basic math and spelling; talk about trying to teach bitches a new trick! And then there's the $700 billion I have been asked to spend for America (okay, you got me, so I've only spent that infamous $150,000 so far) but not tell anyone how I am doing it- stealth shopping is hard work! Probably shouldn't spend it on a foreign car purchase huh?

So here's someone who obviously has too much time on his hands...amazing, though!

Just caught this great little invention- why didn't i think of it? And just in time for Halloween! This would have helped growing up in a large food obsessed (possessed) family!

Waldo...

Of course I am traveling the week cold and rain permeate the the city...
Might have to hold off on my Bill Ayer's seminar and ACORN rally I keep hearing about- it's like you can't answer the phone without fear of another call. Just think how big Jesus could have been if he had "robocalling!" Perhaps I'll just hunker down with Oprah or read Sarah Palin's book of the month, "Are u there god, it's me Caribou Barbie, trying to put lipstick on a shitty campaign but Colin Powell keeps smearing it off"...



...or not.

What really caused Nancy to fall...

The Real Whore-able Wives of Atlanta

"Five women doing more damage to Atlanta than Sherman did on his March to the Sea!"

Atlanta, a city developed because of the trains that went through the city, seems the most aptly located of the "Real Housewives" series because they are in fact, a horrific train wreck; in the words of Shirley and Company, "shame! shame! shame!"

The women wealthy enough to "qualify" for this faux-ensemble go from dreadful to do-well, with the cast a bit heavier on the dreadful.
First up is "ILoveNewYork"- I swore last we saw Tiffany she was heading to LA to make it big, but apparently she wasn't on someones guest-list and landed in Atlanta instead. Irony number one, "guest lists"; these women would be nothing without one, because they just aren't that important (to anyone but themselves), bemoan the need for one and then use them to feel important. Not content to be embarassed at a party she (shows up to Flava-flav's pad,) oops I mean goes to sons college and embarrasses him to no end on tour of campus visit, DFCS calling.
"She-Devil in Shoes", character number 2 (who couldn't break herself away from her shoes long enough to help her daughter open a car door- I hope a DFCS rep and her ex's lawyer is watching!) throws herself a party with a strict guest list then mumbles the next day about all "the randoms" she had in her house- nice touch, bitch; ILOVENYC couldn't get in but randoms could...

Then there's tragic "Trisha Yawnwood", sadly having to grow-up "middle class" and hoping her kids don't suffer like she did (guess Obama won't get her vote), so she throws an 18K party for her(self), 11 year old daughter. DFCS action number 2: Mom leaves squealing little girls in hotel room while hitting the bar by 2pm. Irony number two: only mommy needed the expensive party to feel self-important, her daughter wishes "not everything was such a big deal" but spending money means she is loved, so spend Mommy must (note: has a sugar-daddy off-screen taking care of her till she makes it big in country music...she's close to making it big in something, but I wouldn't say c-o-u-n-t-r-y...maybe drop a letter or two.

"Charity Lady" seems pretty cool and grounded, one of two who seem to pull their own weight and do something besides spend other's money. She can't seem to hire well and might be inflating her ego a tad with the "high profile" label she puts on her family. Yeah the hubby is in sports, but so are like a thousand other men; unless your last name is Bryant, Hill or Brady...your not that high profile. And her assessment about "making it" because with their wealth there aren't racial issues of whites and blacks- wow. Irony number 3. The color that speaks is green baby. Don't fool yourself into calling it acceptance; money wouldn't matter if it were true acceptance- but apparently, at their level, it still does.

"Ivana" is the best of the group, pulling her weight, selling real estate and letting her hubby take care of her when she's sick; Have I not seen her drop a dime so far? Wow! Irony #4- not spending and still on the show!

What Bravo is introducing the rest of the world to is A-town's unique form of trash, bruised and sour peaches all made up, but ugly underneath, and infanticide, mothers who will eat their own for TV time and shoes, they make the Kardashians look classy...bless their hearts.

Blame it on Paris

You know, she's pretty damn good at taking... a joke.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

bumper sticker

Regardless of political affiliations, this bumper sticker made me laugh...

One little issue with the debate: Riddle me this Gwen, why can Sarah talk about her past record as an indication of her future success, but Biden can't discuss McCain's past record without being deemed "stuck in the past?"

Can-Canned

Dear Kim,

It appears your ass is bigger than your star; back to Beverly Hills for you my dear! Perhaps cable reality tv will be kinder to you than broadcast network audiences- where's Ryan and Reggie when you need them most? And, if the rumors are true, this ain't what you should act like an inconsolable loser over, save that drama for your sisters and the next fight you get in with them on your own show.

Perhaps you should take notes from Sarah Pallin; she has set the bar so low for herself, she can't help but beat expectation tomorrow. You aimed high and fell low- good thing ya got a lot to fall back on...

Paso doble right past ya...
Cloris

Color me surprised!

Wow! When I heard this news my face must have revealed as much shock and surprise as Joan River's does after a trip to botox land! REEEAAALLLYYYY.

I'm experiencing more emotions (dread) over the new Pussycat Dolls cd, "Doll Domination" than I can muster for Aiken's true confessions.

What next? Lindsey Lohan admits to dating a girl???? Golly, is it Friday already because it sure is freaky! What next, reveal Sarah Palin has no real foreign policy experience?

Hey "People Magazine" how about doing something crazy and cutting edge, like printing the winning numbers to a lottery before it's played, not like a year after the ticket was bought...next!

The World (created by McCain)

For those purist in theology, God made the world in 7 days; apparently that is too slow for John McCain. McCain has decided to quit toiling in the garden of Eden so as to recreate the world (economy) in just 4 days. Who really cares where most of the Middle East ends up on the map, so long as you can see it from your house(s) front porches? And just do away with China and Russia, pesky foreigners, just give us your oil!

It's freaky to think that Mr McCain, a self acknowledged "weak on economy" candidate, wants to stop Halloween, Day Light savings, creation of the blackberry, resolving the feud between Lauren and Heidi and suspend (buy time for Palin) his campaign until he completes a rehaul of the US economy...over the weekend. Did he pick up "Economics 101 for Dummies" and now feels more competent in solving this financial fiasco than all those people who do study the economy on a regular basis?

Does anyone out there really believe anyone on Capitol Hill knows what to do? Will $700 billion be all it costs to patch-and-fix the economy's blow-out?

Given that the two Senators angling to be be the next Prez. have been out on the trail and not present in day-to-day activities in the Senate for quite some time, what makes either think they can do any good now?

I think the dudes from "The Big Bang Theory" should be called in to resolve this mess and not "The House-husbands of Capitol Hill".

Is it sad to note that the only bailout for us from the non-stop campaign of 2007-2008 is a collapse of the economy- why couldn't it have happened sooner?

Now where's Paris when you need her economic savvy?

on my radar: Heart 101

An article on the web caught my attention, it asks how much do you know about your heart.

Heart 101:
Over a 70-year lifetime the average heart will beat 2.5 billion times. Each day the heart pumps out 2,000 gallons of blood through the body. Diet, exercise, blood pressure and genetics all play a role in keeping this hard working muscle in tip-top shape!

My interpretation:
Heart 101: band from Bellevue, Washington, led by sisters Anne and Nancy Wilson- big in the 80's and 90's with hits like "Crazy on You", "Alone", "All I Wanna Do is Make love to You"- with the popular video that promotes male-date rape and keeping children from knowing who their daddy is, and currently unhappy with McCain (and un-Able) for using "barracuda" as a theme song at the RNC.

Over a 70-year span the average heart will beat 2.5 billion times, unless you are Edward Cullen, have met Buffy the Vampire Slayer or are named Dick Cheney (there's no valid proof he has one). 2,000 gallons of blood a day? Where does it all come from? Given that a gallon of water weighs 8+ pounds...that means that about 16,000 pounds of blood moves through you a day! Imagine what it must be like for Drew Carey!
Diet, exercise and blood pressure keep it in tip top shape? How ever is Hulk Hogan still alive? And I thought Angelina Jolie was the hardest working muscle around!

Evil abrewin'

All was quiet this dark and cloudy evening at Hogwarts, but the silence did not equate to innocence and slumber, for not all were sleeping this night.
Evil had threatened this sanct and hollowed learning ground for young witches and wizards, and where, in the past, evil got so close to winning, good still prevailed- but make no mistake, evil was still abrewin'.

Here at Hogwarts it has always been believed that the "strength of good" buoyed the children through those dreadful years, but in the camps of some (mostly the House of Slytherin), murmurs were heard that it was simply the act of "praying the bad away" that brought prosperity; truly an irony (that Slytherin would be praying) not lost on those who lived through the years of "He Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken", aka "Dick Cheney (or Dan Quayle)".

But on this night a silence was enveloping the grounds, a silence that betrayed its self, so deafening were the awkward pauses. Slight was the breeze, but on it rode a few light whispers, whispers that would have sent chills down the spine of Professor Trelawney had she heard them and recalled her visions from years prior. But her mind is now murky and only a few pieces fall into place, "The one with the power to vanquish approaches...the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives..." and so Trelawney goes forth, not knowing, but sensing, an evil emerging once more. What is for certain is that this evil speaks with the parsfaltongue...

The Republican Party Surprise

What's a party if there isn't a surprise thrown in?

While eagerly awaiting the speech of Sarah Palin, Republican delegates were feted with a lavish feast: pasta, veggies, wine, bread, pork loin and a guest appearance/performance by Lindsay Lohan. Despite failing to hit the same "public awareness" that Chris Crocker achieved on youtube by requesting that we "leave Britney alone!", it seems Lindsay's blogging about leaving Jamie Lynn Spears, oops, I mean, Bristol Palin, resonated with the McCain party planners and they invited her. The surprise? The pasta was delivered by a Pizza Hut employee, none other than Bristol's husband to be, Levi Johnston.

I'm hoping Heidi and Spencer are somewhere there filming their experience for use on a show at some later date, then I won't have to miss the Williamses tennis match and catch the highlights in a few months when it runs on MTV.

Explain to me how "kids are off limits" and yet the whole damn clan is pranced out in front of the media?

Other than uncommonly long lines at the men's restrooms, and no signs of Larry Craig, delegates have had few issues to complain about- outside of their candidate.
And the Bush video conference and Cheney's presence.

Oh yeah, and the crab grass.

Politically Incorrect Olympics

So the "Bay-Jing" Oly's have come to a close and all of China is now sleeping and nervously calculating how to pay for the $44B games, perhaps they will sell off Tibet or annex Japan?

As I sat riveted to the 17-day coverage, fleeting moments of humor would flash through my brain as I contemplated, furrowed brow and curled-up lip, on how I could compete in the trampoline or race-walk events; 18 years of bouncing on a bed or 39 years of walking has to come in handy at some point in my life, why not as an Olympic sporting event?

The other thought that managed to escape the Chinese mind-meld of coverage in my brain (was I turning into the "NBC-Tiananmen Candidate"?) was, "if I created my own "Dream Team" what and who would it be?"...thus my VERY politically incorrect Olympic Dream Team was born...stop now if you don't want to be offended...

Open Ceremonies: Heidi Montag entertains
Any throwing contest: Naomi Campbell (she doesn't appear to ever miss a target)
Boxing: DaBrat
Fencing: University of Miami officials
Sailing: Natalie Wood
Equestrian: Christopher Reeves
US Rowers: anyone living in Flordia after Fay
Shooting: Dick Cheney
Steeple (and Evangelicals) Chase: John McCain
US women's 400 relay: Hillary's campaign team (dq'd for dropping the baton)
Gymnastic Judges: Discredited Clayton County (GA.) school officials
Tug-of-War: Russia vs. USA and Georgia
Chinese Gymnastics Team (women): my niece's day care class

Closing Ceremonies: Amy Winehouse to accept the Olympic flag going to London.

...more like 'ho's!

The leaking of the probable "Dancing with the (D-list)Stars"
has me rethinking the TV show's name!

Several celebs rumored to be on the show:
Susan (All My Tangoes) Lucci
Mark (I just wanna look fly) McGrath
Lance (I kissed a boy) Bass
Brooke (does TJ need a Hooker) Burke

and...

Kim (oh my god, becky, look at her butt, it's so big and round) Kardashian

tick-tock tick-tock...time is running out on the show with this cast!

My Sport- GO USA!

Once every four years an amazing thing happens- people are exposed to, and appreciate, sports where the players have to make a living doing a "real" job to afford their passion. How mighty it is to have a swimmer so applauded amongst all the highly-over paid professional athletes. Kinda like a happy David and Goliath story, if you're into that kinda thing. As a long time swimmer and water polo player I welcome the Olympics like MTV does the return of "The Hills"...

Go USA water polo!

I've got to imagine out there somewhere, a trampolinist is saying the exact damn thing!

Bush to protect Atlanta during the invasion of Georgia

George Bush has been in town all week trying to secure the withdrawal of Russian troops from Georgia. Twice he has been in Centennial Park and has yet to see a single troop come through the city. He is raving mad- the Russians are not following the peace treaty that they signed over the weekend.

I am proud of Bush's commitment to the South, and his efforts to free us all and to influence swing votes for McCain come November. He was quoted saying that, "never again will Atlantans starve as god is his witness" and that he will do "all he can to prevent Putin and troops of re-enacting the March to the Sea that Sherman did to Georgia back during the American Revolution." It is his belief that cities should not be taken over and destroyed frankly because someone doesn't give a damn (as long they are outside of the Middle East).

Bush also said Peachtree Street would stay free of troops and traffic as long as he was in-charge and went on to compliment the designers of the city and their very sneaky way of confusing invading troops (and tourists) by naming 37 different street some form of "Peachtree"- that must be why he hasn't seen any Russians- they are lost and may be close to invading Birmingham instead.

Beijing Hostage Crisis

Can't tear away from the Olympics...
thank god for pre-packaged foods, microwaves and online watching.
After tomorrow, when swimming and tennis are done, the whole shebang is about over in my world...then I hope to be released from this bondage (no, I'm not wearing one of the new LZR swimsuits...).


Why do I watch?

on my radar: idiot

Dear Brooke,
No, you don't know best!

You show about as much common sense as Joan Rivers does selecting a monologue for a group of Girl Scouts; how many times is just the right amount of times to call the girls "a bunch of whores?" Someone won't get any Thin Mint offers next year!

Ok, Brooke, compared to who, your family? Wow, I guess you might win that argument, but that's almost a Pyrrhic victory! That's like claiming you're the "smartester person" riding a short bus (or in the Bush clan), or the brightest PussyCat Doll.

You and Ali Lohan have got the luck of being "the talent" (I blush just typing those words) in your family- yippee! Now how much will that make you outside of a stripper bar in Vegas? You staying out of jail makes you the Hogan that knows best, but fraudulent claims against Daddie could put you in the slammer, along with your brother; false accusations, where'd you learn that trick, Denise Richards? Golly, your family might rack up more jail time then the Gotti's; who knows best?

What you've demonstrated in your infamous quotes (knocking women's progress back at least 30 years) and on your show is that you have the insight of a two-year old fortune cookie and are about as inspiring as a Heidi-Spencer music video. Even the Brett Favre fiasco is more stimulating than you (and boy is THAT old already). Hopped up on Sugar Smacks and parading around on a show that is as "uncensored reality" as the Chinese Internet and claiming you know best just simply doesn't become you. Lets be clear: knowing best means you don't tell your father where you are going, why you are going, and what hotel you are staying at when it comes to celebrating Spring Break (not like you are in school...)

I think Brett Michaels, Shari Sheppard, infact even The Girls Next Door (including Kendra) know better than you!

Sincerely,
Bo "knows" Jackson

on my radar: Paris Strikes Back!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Never a big fan, but this certainly makes me appreciate her sense of humor!

on my radar: Roy-less

If you haven't seen this video, well, heck...it's so sweet friends won't be able to figure out why I posted it. But, it'll make ya feel good going into the weekend, want to kick Michael Vick's ass, again, and help remove that nasty taste from the home foreclosure that was posted. It's kinda like chewing on an Orbitz piece of gum- with your brain. All refreshed and mushy for the weekend...

extreme make-over: foreclosure edition

This story so irked me! Good deeds once again get punished. AND, the nerve of the columnist to insinuate that the home foreclosure was another sign of the times (oh how not Princely of him!)! Crappy owners squandered everyones gifts on a business venture he didn't even have the knowledge to run! The father was not a business man, but thought he'd try his hand at construction....

LAKE CITY, Ga. (July ) - More than 1,800 people helped demolish the Harper family's decrepit home and replace it with a sparkling four-bedroom mini-mansion that towered over ranch and split-level homes in their Clayton County neighborhood.

But three years later, the Harper's home has become the latest victim of the foreclosure crisis after the family used it as collateral for a $450,000 loan. The two-level home is set to go to auction on the steps of the Clayton County Courthouse Aug. 5.

The couple did not return phone calls Monday, but they told WSB-TV they received the loan for a construction business that failed.

The house was built in January 2005, when Atlanta-based Beazer Homes USA and ABC's "Extreme Makeover" demolished their old home and its faulty septic system. Within six days, construction crews and hoards of volunteers had completed work on the largest home that the television program had yet built.

The finished product was a four-bedroom house with decorative rock walls and a three-car garage. The home's door opened into a lobby that featured four fireplaces, a solarium, a music room and a plush new office.

The couple, which ABC chose from some 15,000 applicants, spent the week on vacation in Disneyland while their home was being revamped.

Materials and labor were donated for the home, which would have cost about $450,000 to build. Beazer Homes' employees and company partners also raised $250,000 in contributions for the family, including scholarships for the couple's three children and a home maintenance fund.

A Beazer representative did not immediately return a telephone call seeking comment Monday.

ABC said in a statement that it advises each family to consult a financial planner after they get their new home. "Ultimately, financial matters are personal, and we work to respect the privacy of the families," the network said.

Neighbors said the Harpers opened the home to friends and described the family as quiet and friendly. Meanwhile, some of the volunteers who helped build the house are infuriated.

Lake City Mayor Willie Oswalt was among a handful of volunteers who helped vault a massive beam into place in the Harper's living room. He's less than thrilled with the couple's financial decisions.

"It's aggravating," he told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "It just makes you mad. You do that much work, and they just squander it."

on my radar: crane damage

What's up with all the falling cranes lately? Another one fell today in Oklahoma(where the wind goes whipping down the cranes...). In the past year there have been a couple accidents in NYC, as well as Denver and Seattle (and I'm not counting Kelsey Grammar's collapse as one) to note a few. They seem to be falling about as fast and often as a Miss Universe contestant from the USA, only with a heck of a lot more damage (and sadly, deaths).

That is not the way I want to go! One minute sitting at work, the next, a damn crane crashing through the ceiling, forever immortalizing my final few moments entangled in some stupid Outlook delay. That would really piss me off, or being on the phone, waiting for Comcast to help me (answer) and having the roof crash down on me.

I don't wish ill on anyone, but if a crane has to fall, couldn't it be on the recording studio of the 10-legged 'ho, aka "Danity Kane" "...do you got a first aide kit handy? ...baby I'm damaged." Don't they know it! Oh, joke for you. What do you get when you cross a reality person (Heidi Montag) with a presidential candidate (John McCain)? Danity McKane (reference the 'ho part of Danity). Or possibly hit the "House of Hogan". Why won't someone smite them? They need serious help that no TV should cover (unless with Dr. Drew). Someone drop a crane on them!

on my radar: family matters

Where's Urkel when you need someone to sort things out?

After surprising assault claims were filed by the sister and mother of "Batman" star Christian Bale, family members are now declining to discuss the case, stating "it's a family matter." Um, oh no it's not- when charges are filed it becomes a legal and very public matter- especially when the man charged stars in the biggest frickin' movie of the year! So I'm wondering, do the Welsh raise boys to assault their family members or do the Welsh not understand what publicity means? Something has got to give. Sure Wales toils under the popularity of England and gets less press, but come on! I think the claims are a tad "batty", and given the propensity of the English to use words that seem to be bigger than life (or is it that we Americans have simply diluted them?) perhaps the charge of "assault" there is not as severe as a charge of assault in the US is.

It goes something like this, say he spilled a drink, threw a drink, tossed their jackets, pushed by them to leave, threw napkins at them "making it rain" or something to that ilk, those could all technically be assault. Of course, hitting, kicking, biting, beating and clubbing them sense-less could also count. Au paires from England have had a few nasty run-ins with the laws stateside, perhaps too much shaking going on?

It's troubling that Batman just saved Gotham city and is still a looking like a bad guy (life imitating the movies?). Maybe he just ate some bad jalapenos or was under the hard candy influence of MaDonna and her Kabbalah magic or the she-devil Sienna Miller, she gives bad press a pretty face!

Say it ain't so Batman? Is he taking a hit for Two-face?

UPDATE: Speculation is that the "assault" charges surround an action that might be either a "push" or "shove" done to the estranged and inebriated family members who showed up uninvited to Bale's hotel asking for money...
Even superheros have family issues.

The count down is on for The Hills!

Get Ready For Season 4 of The Hills!

on my radar: don't be a dick

With a rap sheet that most gangster hip-hop artists would kill for (figuratively speaking, except for maybe lil' Kim), Andy Dick is fast cementing himself as the number menace to society and comedy patrons across the nation.

Having given up on dominating the airwaves with his dweebesque comedic persona, Andy's making himself a name on police rap sheets all over the place; not to mention creating a mug shot that only Mel Gibson, Nick Nolte or SideShow Bob would want.

Just look at some of his recent offenses and charges (excluding what he's done in the name of "entertainment"):
felony drug charges
sexual battery
causing a public disturbance
public indecency
urinating in public
misdemeanor marijuana possession

Beyond this it has also been noted that, "Dick has a reputation for crude behavior. He has been reported to have exposed himself to audiences at least twice. He was forcibly removed from the set of the show "Jimmy Kimmel Live" last year after he repeatedly touched guest Ivanka Trump without her permission.

Also last year, Dick was cited in Columbus, Ohio, for urinating on the sidewalk. A comedy club owner in the city said the actor also made inappropriate comments while onstage, groped patrons, took women into the men's room and urinated on the floor and on at least one person.

In 1999, Dick was arrested for possession of cocaine and marijuana after driving his car into a telephone pole in Hollywood, California. He pleaded guilty but the charges were dismissed after he went into a diversion program.

Does it enhance or distract from his image that the most recent claims comes from pulling down the tube top of a 17 year old female outside of a "Buffalo Wild Wings"?

And to top everything else off, just last week he got into a bitch fight with Jon Lovitz at a comedy club because Andy claimed to Jon he put the "Phil Hartman Hex" on Jon, saying Jon was going to die soon; Jon beat him up because of the comment (and apparently put a successful "Joesph Francis Jailbird Hex" on Andy to boot)!

musician + role model

Here's someone who has chosen to use her powers for good...bravo! Too bad the Kardashian's of the world can't follow suit- that tacky earthquake aide video did nothing to boost their image. Now maybe Khloe can sing along with Feist to determine how many days she'll be in jail...1,2,3,4...

on my radar: losing flavre ("flavor")

Why can't people who quit just stay quitters?

I know there are some things that, despite every best effort, you just can't quit:
Like Amy Winehouse and bad press, Kate Hudson and married men, Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, or Carrie Bradshaw and shoe shopping, but when it come to sports legends finally hanging the jockstrap up, why do some choose to lose the admiration and support from their fans when they jump back into the arena less than 4 months later? Clemens, Jordan, now Bret Favre- just quit and stay quit! The one exception, Dara Torres, who is proving so much by reclaiming a spot on the US swimming team at the plucky age of 41; but somehow her retirement and re-entering the sports fold seems nothing close to being the pathetic process Bret's new need to be playing ball feels like. Hell, two years ago he went through the whole act of debating staying or going and ended up staying and doing well, but once he decided to retire this year, he should let the team, the fans, and the sport move on!

Now he's acting like a true fan- a cheesehead and putting his fans through more ups and downs than a Miss USA contestant at the Miss Universe pageant.

on my radar: Ode to the Brinkley's

Uptown guy,
He's been living in an Uptown lie
I bet he never thought he'd cry
I bet his lawyer never told him why

He went and tried for an Uptown girl
She'd been living in her Hampton's world
As long as anyone with hot blood can
She was looking for hubby #4
That's what he was

And when he knows what
He wants from her time
And when he wakes up
And makes up his mind

She'll see he's not up to snuff
Just because
He's in love with a toy store girl
He met her in his uptown world
She was sexy there playing with toys
And all he thought was, "oh my, oh boy"
He bought her toys

Uptown girl
You know he can't afford the suit they're in
But maybe someday when the truth comes out
Everyone will understand the guy he's been
And then she'll win

And when she testifying
She's looking so fine
And when he's lying
She'll say that the kids are mine

She'll say I'm not so smart
Just because
I'm in love
With a toy store clerk
Now I'm acting like the classic jerk
Suing her for stuff I never owned
Because of the chick I boned
Thats what I am

Uptown Girl
She was my uptown girl
You know I'm not in love
With my uptown girl

a little too ironic, dontcha think?

Speaking of patriotism: 2 new laws began to be enforceable yesterday, one in NYC and one in Georgia. You, the witty and educated blogosphere, I hope you don't miss the irony...

Georgians with carry licenses can tote their concealed guns on public transportation, in restaurants that serve alcohol and in state parks under legislation signed by Gov. Sonny Perdue Wednesday.


NEW YORK - The Board of Health voted Tuesday to make New York the nation’s first city to ban artery-clogging artificial trans fats at restaurants — from the corner pizzeria to high-end bakeries.

The board, which passed the ban unanimously, did give restaurants a slight break by relaxing what had been considered a tight deadline for compliance. Restaurants will be barred from using most frying oils containing artificial trans fats by July and will have to eliminate the artificial trans fats from all of their foods by July 2008.

Apparently it's not guns that kill people, it's trans fat! And lobbyist groups...

on my radar: patriotism

Just what is a Patriot? The march towards 1600 Penn., the 4th of July and the Olympics got me all Michelle Obama as an adult!

What defines a Patriot most?

Must you wear more American flair on your lapel than a trainee waiter at TGIFridays?
Would all the metal that you brandish cause security delays trying to pass through a metal detector at school/work/airport? Do you need to wake-up an hour earlier just to get all your merchandise on?

Should the clothes you wear be only in hues of red, white and blue? Or should you look like one of Ralph Lauren's "Polo" models lounging poolside at some huge mansion in the Hampton's, or trekking across a dune in search of the perfect photo op/picnic place to break bread with the Kennedy's? Nothing speaks of Americana more than POLO and Kennedy's (unless you favor Calvin Klein, Republicans, or Mary Jo Kopechne).

If I whistle Estelle's "American Boy" all day, would that do the trick, or must I add "American Pie", "Coming to America", "Born in the USA", and "Little Pink Houses" (Mr Cougar so speaks to the heartland and Chevy truck owners)?

I could paint my face like a rabid soccer fan, but that's not quite an American sport (sorry Becks old chap) and I would lose credibility.

Perhaps I write a play, and call it "The Patriot Act", would that do the trick or would I be plagiarizing (not GWB, but "The Crucible")?

It's just so hard to know how to prove I am a Patriot, good thing to know I have politicians who can do that for me! Viva la American!

Maybe I'll just wear a Tom Brady jersey...

on my radar: starlets secret pact

Hollywood shook, like Amy Winehouse "two days sober", yesterday when a secret pact between 17 of Hollywood's up and coming starlets was revealed. Noting a rather alarming rate of young Hollywood actresses NOT becoming pregnant in the last few years (note: Jamie Lynn Spears and a botoxed Denise Richards don't count) famed sleuth "Fred", of the infamous Scooby gang, took it upon himself to slip out of the Mystery Van and do a little solo investigation work. "As much as I love my team, I just couldn't risk Daphne, aka "danger prone", jeopardizing my work," Fred stated.
Rumors are rampant that none other than the "big cheese" is footing the bill for the exclusive report and is planning a 3rd Scooby sequel (and a ton of scooby snacks) as a way to smooth over the ruffled feathers of "the gang".

The report itself, due to be released mid-sweeps, is said to contain damaging evidence that proves that these 17 young women all agreed to actually abstain from sex. Dakota Fanning has spoken out, vehemently denying the accusation and implying that on many occasions she has tried to sleep with the Jonas Brothers, only to end up with Dylan Sprouse, aka Zack, from "The Suite life of Zack and Joey". Abigail Breslin might have spilled the beans on what really transpired with these "'tween chicks", "we just wanted to apply ourselves to our schooling, and while in pursuit of our GED's, we quit having unsafe sex, and thus a lower pregnancy rate became the by-product, it's not like we meant to quit sleeping around; we all still really look up to Jamie Lynn! There was no secret pact!"

on my radar: living the lohan loca!

Dina, Lindsay and Ali
On a routine attention-grabbing excursion
One of the greatest celeb-family disasters ever known
High on whatever they were on
It struck their feeble egos
and plunged them to the lowest of lows

To the land of "Living Lohan"
The land of the "Living Lohan"
The land of the Lost!

What a bunch of crap that show is! Why isn't DFAC's watching this show and then getting the kids away from this ill-equipped single parent household? I thought prostitution was still illegal in most places, and pimping your kids out for money seems to qualify for prostitution! The mere fact that Dina would let a camera crew shoot pictures of a dog (one of 5 in the house) on the dinner table shows failure of judgement! What does Dina do to support her kids? Oh, she is the "star" of a reality show that pays her to be a mother driving a second daughter towards fame and stardom-because the first one turned out so well! Dina's parenting skillz are strictly from the world of hyena's ("I will eat my own to survive")and seem to be closer to the witch that tried to eat Hansel and Gretel than Fran Drescher's "Nanny" (and that's not saying much!); Tommie Lee and Pamela (round #801) create a more stable environment for kids than Dina does! If only they could make Spencer and Heidi babysitters, you'd have one heck of a show, but seeing how Speidi's rates for appearances are "delusional", I guess all Dina can afford is Nana. The sad part about the show is it appears that Roseanne and Anne Welles were role models for Dina; Dina just doesn't comprehend that Anne ended up strung out on painkillers and Roseanne's world isn't real-of course, neither is the world Dina roams.

at least someone admits it...

This is an excerpt from a news story. Read it and weep. Clinton was bashed about receiving votes from racist white people and publicly urged to refute them...

WASHINGTON (AP) — Black conservative talk show host Armstrong Williams has never voted for a Democrat for president. That could change this year with Barack Obama as the Democratic Party's nominee.

"I don't necessarily like his policies; I don't like much that he advocates, but for the first time in my life, history thrusts me to really seriously think about it," Williams said. "I can honestly say I have no idea who I'm going to pull that lever for in November. And to me, that's incredible."

Just as Obama has touched black Democratic voters, he has engendered conflicting emotions among black Republicans. They revel over the possibility of a black president but wrestle with the thought that Obama doesn't sit beside them ideologically.

"Among black conservatives," Williams said, "they tell me privately, it would be very hard to vote against him in November."

on my radar: hold the tomatoes

If it wasn't hard enough to get kids to eat tomatoes in the first place, along comes an outbreak to scare everyone away! We need our lycopene! I guess the "love apples" must be experiencing feelings somewhat akin to how Tonya Harding felt after that nasty bout of jealousy! The rational side of me says, "hey, just in time for beach season- a small bout of salmonella will help me fit into that damn suit!" But the Lauren Hutton side of me says, well...the Lauren Hutton side of me says crazy-ass crap that makes no sense but somehow includes guacamole and guac has tomatoes in it so that must be what's gone to her head! She needs sleeps! I get the impression she woke up (like 4 days ago) on the Sean Young side of the bed!

Me thinks it's about time Mr. McMahon puts his own name into the "Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes" drawing...it's hard to muster ANY sympathy for someone who is struggling to make the payments on a $7.5 Million dollar home; sell the damn thing and get out from under it already, or stark hawking more Breathe Assure and quit divorcing so many women!

I'd recommend that maybe Miss Hutton, Mr. McMahon and Miss Heigl should go on a PR tour to do some spin control, but I'm afraid people would just throw tomatoes at them! I know three people who could use a pocketful of sunshine right about now!

on my radar: Career Moves

One woman's loss is a choreographer's gain.

Not letting the recent election-bid failure stop her bigger than life aspirations, Hillary Clinton has announced her next career move. It appears that the beltway's loss is going to be the Great White Way's gain. Yes, it is true, Hillary will now be stumping for votes while singing her way through "Positive" and "So Much Better", vying to be the next Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, the Musical. This magic moment is almost as historic as when one guy's peanut butter ran into another guy's chocolate!

Think of the parallels of these two icons: Elle Woods, fighting to get into law school then kicking ass in Chanel and the courtroom- that could have been Hillary just a few decades ago! So why can't Hillary now be the woman "portraying that younger Rodham"? There ain't nothing some stage make-up and lighting can't do to make Hillary look mid-20's again! Heck, look what it does for Nathan Lane and Kim Catrall!

This may not be the career option many of you would have guessed she'd pursue, but did you really think she'd just go home an start watching "Martha" and learn to bake cookies? Or start swilling Cosmo's (although it would make for a better photo op than that whiskey shot picture) with Liddy Dole, Pelosi and Laura Bush, doing their version of the "Political Golden Girls in DC?"

So start tuning into "The Search for Elle Woods" and vote as frequently and often as they did in American Idol, with a little help, we can keep Hillary in a job...as Tim Gunn might say, "get Hill work!"

And given her penchant to "keep fighting", if Elle doesn't work out, she's got auditions planned for "American Gladiators", "Dancing with the Stars", and "Trading Spouses"- in no particular order.

on my radar: don't pop the top!

I've got the fever for the flavor of a Pringle!

Not willing to go down without a revolution, the inventor of the Pringle's can died recently, and, per his wishes, was partially entombed in...a Pringles can! So proud of his invention, Dr. Fredric J. Baur requested that he be cremated and half of his ashes were to be buried inside of his invention.

"i've gotta Pringle's can, a Pringles can full of sunshine, oh, oh, oh, oh"

So the $64,000.00 question is, "If you were to be buried in a Pringles can, which can would you be?"

"With a can can can! Everybody can-can!"

Just imagine how business would have been different for the Fisher clan if Six Feet Under was all about selling small cylinder cans! I think I'd like to order one that says, "RIP Hillary's 2008 Presidential campaign." Of course, once ya pop one Pringle, you just can't stop- me thinks Hillary has the same notion.

on my radar: uncontacted tribes surface

One of the few remaining American uncontacted tribes was photographed yesterday by Annie Lebowitz, and a handful of press photographers, on the outskirts of largely impenetrable, previously unexplored, ranch in Crawford, Texas.

The compound is considered to have been out of touch with all other Americans for over the past 50 years, or so.

The "Bush-men" were sighted in an Ethno-Environmental Protected Area (meaning only old white oil-owning clans can live on the ranch) along the North Tonk Creek, in flights over remote Acre state, where Dick Cheney likes to hunt for McClellan clans.

Annie said she photographed "strong and healthy" warriors, six huts, lots of springer spaniels, young girls in bed sheets and large oil fields adjacent to a wedding chapel. It was not known to which tribe they belonged- some guess Warren Jeffs, others think the Bushes and some said the Hannah Montana's.

"Four distinct isolated peoples exist in this region, whom we have accompanied for 20 years," The Waco folks have been previously contacted, the Jeffs are currently detained and housed by the government, so that leaves just the George and George W's left.

The tribe sighted recently is one of the last not to be contacted by officials nor fazed by any official policies or procedures. Most opt to not make contact with such tribes and defer decision-making to lo-country boils and moonshine festivals.

Survival International said the Bushes are in danger from illegally running an economy and government into the ground. Former employees are also proving to be a threat to their isolation.

There are more than 100 uncontacted "tribes" nationwide, most of them are Republicans and in office", a recent census showed.
"These pictures are further evidence that uncontacted tribes really do exist," Survival director Hillary Clinton said.

"The world needs to wake up to this, and ensure that their territory (especially Michigan and Florida)is protected in accordance with international law. But if the laws don't protect them, we can always create new ones that do, otherwise, they will soon be made extinct." Ahem!

laughs for the long weekend

I'm off for a nice long weekend- enjoy yourselves and enjoy a few laughs on me, via "Ugly Betty"! Cheers!

on my radar: you're only beautiful if you read it in People

The beauty shop is open and the bitchiness is back- take a number!

Momma always said, "beauty is in the eye of the (remote control) holder", for they rule the roost and only allow us to watch what catches their eye- thank god in my family my sister was the one who usually won the fight!

People magazine has once again reminded me of how amazingly beautiful people can be when airbrushed, framed right, photo shopped and are camera ready to promote a new movie, book, cd, video, or has CAA repping for them! Wow! 100 BEAUTIFUL people- sounds like a circus show! What happened, did ET and Extra run out of publicity time for Hollywood and People got the exclusive? Kate Hudson as the most beautiful? Who is she sleeping with to get the crown? Oh yeah, Lance Armstrong. Ok, she seems like a ho, but then I got to thinking, so does he. Lance seems to sleep with quite a few women and no one gives him any grief- double standard to go with that double shot latte? I might have to hire Nancy Drew to investigate the case of the "Disappearing Drew Barrymore off the Magazine Rack (from cover to nothing in a single bound!)," who'd she quit sleeping with, Ben Affleck or Jimmy Kimmel?

And talking about double standards, where does the journalist prick David Gergen get off telling Hillary she must renounce racist votes? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??? Did he make the same statement to Obama? Hey, what about the sexist vote, or is being sexist ok? Shouldn't Obama apologize for men who won't vote for women or vice versa and make Hillary recant those feminist votes, too? And McCain, does he need to get rid of all the white male voters (gosh, where did the Republican party go?)who won't vote for a black or female? I didn't hear Mr Gergen address any of those issues; guess it's just Hillary who has to apologize for her supporters...what a crock!! Recuse those votes? Really? Have you forgotten 2000 so soon? We struggle counting votes that have been cast; how do you propose we get rid of the "bad ones."

Reality check! This country is full of racist, bigoted (begot?), sexist, ugly, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful and thoughtful people. Whether you like it our not, that's the character of our country and you can't make legitimate candidates apologize for what fringe groups choose to support them (unless you are Ferraro, Rev. Wright, or Haggee)- you don't need to endorse those views (if a candidate is pandering to that fringe group, then possibly, but I have yet to hear Hillary say, "give me your tired, weary, your racists votes..."), but you can't take away a persons right (or wrong) to be that way...or we'd be China or North Korea or Burma/Constantinople. The right to freedom does come at a cost- only Wal-Mart can give it to you at discount prices!

Reality check- size 10 isn't fat! Yippee for Whitney winning ANTM! As Tyra said, she shouldn't be called full-figured, she should just be called beautiful. Hating on the nay-sayers who say it's fixed- because even if it is, what a great platform to promote all shapes of beautiful (that Dove marketing campaign sucked), because People magazine won't do it unless you got something to hawk!

And that takes us right back to where we started...who's next?

Take us out James Blunt..."you're beautiful it's true, I saw your face, on People magazine, so it time to face the truth, I can never be with you and beauty will always be what the media tells us to be true"

on my radar: The Vagina Monologues

There appears to be no escaping chatter about the womb and things that occur within it this week, and that's to put it mildly...

Way to go Babs! Who knew the Queen of TV News was down and out with jungle fever way before Spike Lee ever had the lines "please baby, please baby, please baby please" uttered on film? Knowing about Barbra Walters sex life is about as titillating as thinking about my grandparents knocking it out while looking at the Kama Sutra Sex book- icky!! Yeah, "Sex in the City" happens, but that's not the kind that'll let me roll over and sleep after a cigarette; "The View" I get is me wide-eyed, staring at the ceiling, trying to think of puppy dogs and quiet alpine escapes yet constantly drawn back (kicking and screaming) to a vision of two delicate white hands, grasping tightly to two firm black cheeks, and a strange accent being overheard, "begging for more"... People want to read about it! "Auditions" is the #1 book!

Then there's Starr's Reynold's soon-to-be-ex Al, talking all about his manliness; whatever! The only monologue happening in that household was about Pilates, good dieting and why they both like the same type of man...Oh yes I did! Don't be telling stories that a bunch of boys in a hotel lobby can refute Mr. Reynolds- the closest he was getting to any action was with the butler, yet he still wants to be all that and a bag of chips to the ladies.

The blather (and hat) that heard round the world whips up the ladies from Manhattan: Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte, into our face, as the premiere for "Sex and the City" lights up Cannes. If there's ever going to be a discussion about sex, it's going to happen in this movie! Rumors to a death in the movie and bad advance screenings may require a tad bit more lube to get the juices flowing out of this story!

Not to mention the news of a 2nd young girl, from the FLDS, giving birth to a child- WTF!!! Kids having kids!!

And that's where I'm going to end it, not even mentioning the nasty rumor about McCain's errant and crude remark about his wife (and that derogatory term would fit in this post!), purportedly made, in public, BACK IN 92, because some stories should have an expiration date (or the sharing of them- Barbara!).

on my radar: strangeness

I have actually heard of this medical condition before, but not in such an extreme case. You may not want to read about this on a full tummy, but it is very fascinating (not gross, just odd). And here's a hint, if you have read Stephen King's, "The Dark Half," this malady is a major plot point.

Finally there's an answer to, "what's eating Gilbert Grape"...appears it was his sister!<

on my radar: the Mad Hatter's Other Ball

I'm hoping to get exclusive rights to SJP's hat, it is so versatile- I could use it for a table center piece, or a late Mother's Day bouquet, or a graveside floral arrangement, or send it to Heidi Montag in condolence of losing her job and sticking with "him". Wait, I'm not sure if she lost her job, but she should have- would any of you kept a job after behaving like she did? What was her job anyways (I could swear it was to get camera time for Bolthouse and SBE)? Did I see her taking notes and saying "OK" over and over, as if her notes would be anything more than "remember to reapply lipstick every twenty minutes and fiddle with hair whenever being filmed."

So now there's just wait till August (or read the rags daily) to find out what's next for "the other" 90210 gang. At least I can now focus on LOST!

on my radar: Wedding Bell Blues

I wonder if Jenna Bush will be using a Topsy Tale, the very clever hair braiding tool, as seen on TV, for her big 'do on her big day? Will she wear all-white and have just a seam of grey threading on her dress or will she think that we've all forgot her fake-ID ways and believe she made it through wilderness (better than Bear Gryllis), some how she made it through, conquering her bouts of feeling beat, incomplete; overcoming the fits of being sad and blue and still a virgin at the chapel?? Will the wedding rival Luke and Laura's? Or will it be fiascoesque like Amanda's was on "Dynasty" (the Moldavian massacre)- okay, I don't mean that in a morbid sense, but the wedding is in Crawford, Texas, so that's got to be somewhat depressing enough. Maybe they local authorities could put all the confiscated children from the Yearning for Zion polygamist ranch to work as flower girls and ring bearers- wouldn't they be adorable in muted colors and matching outfits! Or would they distract from the wedding program when Barbara Bush freaks out thinking "the children of the damned village" just got loose? Next thing you know you've got the scene from Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang ("our fine four fender friend") with little children everywhere and the adults scampering to get away from them. Guess it's best not to bring those kids to the wedding- they've seen enough within the compound already!

I'm so tired of second-guessing "WWJD", thank god her wedding day is finally here and all speculation will cease!

Do you think Dick Cheney was invited, and will they let him bring a gun to the reception? Will they allow his lesbian daughter, Mary, and her significant other, (but not in the eyes of any red-blooded Republican) to be present and seated next to one another? Do you think the first father-daughter dance will be "Isn't She Lovely" or will they go for something more hip and upbeat, like "Low". No, my mistake, scratch that, this wedding is in Texas, not the cellar of a house in Austria. Maybe it'll be the Ting-Ting's new song, "shut up and let me go", really, a great choice if you ask me. Do you think daddy has asked Jenna what she plans to spend her tax check on, or did she blow it on the wedding announcements already- no new money being pumped into the economy!

My closing thoughts, do you think the McCains sent a gift, and if so, will Cindy ever disclose what it is, a keg of beer and some steins perhaps? And finally, will daddy fall off the wagon when his little girl gets hitched, will he kick a few back and bring an eight ball to the reception, like in the old days?

on my radar: Primary Colors

Given the state of the things, I'm thinking the colors are black and blue and people seeing red all over.

Ah, another refreshing, self-induced, Democrat-bashing Tuesday; how do I celebrate thee? One can only hope that this "Primary Tuesday" will, for once and for all, resolve the "Never ending Story (the presidential version)." Deliberating on my most patriotic ways of celebrating the day, I recalled my Constitutionally-given freedom of clothing expression. Opting to not wear my Madonna wedding dress and gasket jewelry (although it does hark back to a more innocent time in politics), but still believing I've got a few minutes to save the world, I carefully selected what I thought would be the outfit that would make my smartest-ever political statement; I went for something a bit more contemporary. So I jumped through the shower and began to dress myself: opting away from my baggy sweat pants and my Reebok's with the straps, I put on my most favorite pair of apple bottom jeans and my boots with the fur (I know my co-workers will all be looking at me)! A twirl past the mirror said, "hell yeah!" I was ready to go!

I'm going to try and keep my composure through this very long day. Heck, if it's like the other primaries, we won't know answers till the wee hours of the morning, so there's no need freaking out now. Infact, the last time I freaked out, I just kept lookin' down, I st-st-stuttered when asked what I was thinkin' 'bout. It felt as if I couldn't breathe (you know, like being out in the water so deep with no air), someone asked what's wrong with me, my best friend said, Oh, he's just bein' silly. Oh, I can't wait for the votes to come in!

On the other side of the fence, the Republicans are looking at today as just another manic, oil guzzling Tuesday. While most American's are zipping to work, pumping more of the black gold "gin and juice" into their vehicles, draining their savings accounts while they are at it, McCain is basking in all the love he is receiving from his (country) club. As he gradually addresses the day, he chats up Cindy about last nights episode of "The Hills," trying to comprehend who it is that is supporting him (Heidi), why Lo is being so divisive with Audrina and Lauren, and how on earth did Justin Bobby become the sage of the show? Then he'll tackle the Myanmar("OH, Burma") issue.

on my radar: Playa haters

You know, if the Democrats ran the world (and that is still somewhat a hopeful notion),the New England Patriots would have had an undefeated season and been Superbowl champs this year.

Oh yeah, a crazy little thing called "regulation play" got in the way and the NY Giants won in the closing moments (hhmmm...political foreshadowing?) and the super Boston season went down in flames! Maybe we should shorten the game to 55 minutes to ensure that doesn't happen again, god forbid someone use all the time they are granted to pull a victory together and burst everyone else's bubble.

And so begins a rant about the Democratic Party. First, I would remove the notion that any delegates are "super" if they are bitching about the process they created and now don't like it! What a wanker that Joe Andrew is! Joe Andrews, the former head of the DNC had the audacity to claim, "a vote for Hillary Clinton is a vote to continue" a long, self-destructive Democratic campaign." Well hell, don't hate the playa, hate the game in which they have to play!

The Democrats can control what has turned into a mess! This primary process sucks and now they have to deal with it. If you don't want a dragged out process then set up a primary season that ends sooner (oops, Michigan and Florida did that and look what happened), or just get rid of the states you just don't like: tell Indiana and NC that "we don't really care what you say because you vote so late in the year!" The mere fact that states, who have rarely ever had a voice, for once matter, is being lost for a quick-fix solution to a problem the "leaders' of the party created: you want to dub them "Super"? Not me!

So it's damning to hear the leadership decry what's going on- a good old fashion democratic process; a vote for one, or another candidate, should represent that alone, not a vote for whether the process is lame or not!

Why should the people of NC or Indiana (or any state yet to vote) have to correct, through a symbolic gesture about the process, what they didn't screw up? Let their vote be for the person- not the process.

Don't like the outcome of dumb rules, fix them before the next game, but not midstream!